1500 Kids and Counting

I have been watching this series on channel 4 with interest; it shows much of what we saw during our journey through the adoption system but also some insights into the ‘other side’ of it all.

 Episode 1

The focus upon the birth families left me really divided. For one lady my heart broke. It felt like she had tried so hard to get her son back, to do everything that social services asked of her and still her son went for adoption. The other family, the gentleman (I use the term loosely) spent so much time shouting, swearing and generally being unpleasant to the social workers that I had no sympathy for him, only for his partner who seemed resigned to accept the situation. The third family shown really highlighted the problems faced when the NHS and social services don’t work together – something that happens more often that I think is realised.

Episode 2

I enjoyed hearing the perspectives of the social workers involved, I sometimes forget how much they invest in the children they are responsible for and just how much they care. Seeing the social worker’s desperation to find loving homes for the children she was responsible for and then her elation when adopters came forward was really moving.

I was also pleased to see how the foster carers were portrayed as they also invest huge amounts of time, energy and love in the children in their care not only taking them in when are they incredible vulnerable but also in the preparation for the live ahead of them. We were lucky in the foster carers who prepared our children (something I have discussed before) but I have heard of cases where this has not been the case.

Episode 3

The focus turned to the transition between the foster carer and the adoptive placement and this was the bit that I could relate to most – it wasn’t forever ago that I lived it. I remember all too clearly walking into a stranger’s house to meet to tiny, frightened children who had no idea what was going around them. I remember feeling terrified that they wouldn’t like me that we wouldn’t bond, that everything would fall apart. The excitement was also very real. Watching the excitement from the children and their new parents were fabulous but the foster carer’s sadness was also apparent as their charges moved onto their futures.

 I do hope that this series has highlighted the benefits of adoption, the need for adopters to consider older children (despite the added difficulties they can bring) as well for those people considering adoption to take the plunge and go for it.

School Places

I am over the moon at the moment as we have received confirmation that we have a place for our oldest at the primary school of our choice – it is such a relief. We had investigated all of the schools local to us – we talked to other parents, looked at website, visited the buildings and talked to the staff and made the choice on what we thought was best.  

-       Single year group classes.

Lots of the schools around us are smaller village schools and the majority run mixed year group classes (some freely admit that the mix the children based on ability so the brighter younger children are in with the older children that need some catching up). This terrified me as there will not be a school year between our children and I would hate for them to be in the same class as each other.

-       Location

We have chosen the school closest to us. Great for practicalities like the school run, not so much so when you consider the location of the pre school but we figured it was only for a year.

-       Some of his friends from pre school will go with him

We know that the transition will be traumatic for him, we expect it to take him a lot longer than his peers to settle but we are hoping his friends being with him will be helpful

-       The facilities

It felt like a lot of the schools were very similar – nice bright classrooms covered in art work and learning aids, tables and chairs, playgrounds of both grass and concrete, a hall. None of the local schools have a kitchen onsite for school meals so no  matter where he attends these will be shipped in.

The most important thing for us was his choice. We tried to keep him included and he came to every visit. He had a brilliant reaction to the school he will attend and the Head. There was a school which he had an extreme negative reaction to which we also took into account.

I am hoping that he has a positive experience of school, fingers crossed that he remembers his first few days as happy ones.

Peace and Quiet (code name Operation Grandma's sleepover).

It is the middle of the Easter holidays and another first for us.

We are at home and our children are at Grandma’s house. We went visiting to celebrate their wedding anniversary – a whole 35 years! I am so impressed. Anyway, they offered to look after the children for a couple of nights to help us cover the Easter break from preschool and because they love spending the time with them. What is means for me is that I have 2 days of work when Andrew is at work where I don’t have to worry about getting the children ready to be anywhere. I just have to sort myself out and get myself to work and in the evenings I just have to look after me. What I also have is a day to myself whilst Andrew is at work and I have a plan.

Cleaning.

 At least that was the original plan. It quickly changed to some shopping and some crafty stuff. Mainly updated my much ignored scrapbook and making some cards. The things that I struggle to do when they are at home.

It is weird, I miss the children lie crazy but the time to myself is so precious and plan to enjoy every single second.

Forwards and Backwards

With the start of the Easter holidays and a long awaited and needed break from school upon us we have so much planned.

Looking back to my second attempt at Mothers Day I have to confess that it was a bit of a let down. My husband worked a 12 hour shift so I did as any other Sunday, took the children swimming with this grandparents. We had brunch at a nearby supermarket afterwards and the afternoon was spent enjoying the sunshine in the garden. I then cooked tea, played some more, did bath time and my husband arrived home in time for story time and bed time. The only difference was the little pile of cards that the children had made along with a lovely key ring that oldest has made at preschool plus some face cream. Might not be overly glamorous but well needed and gratefully received.

Today, another Sunday, has ben much the same but the cooler and windy weather has meant more inside play and The Little Mermid on DVD. I am really looking forward to tomorrow - the only day over the next 2 weeks that I have booked off especially to spend with them and I have plans to meet a friend and do something - what we do will depend on the weather as we hoped for a day on the farm and some sunshine but we shall wait and see what the morning brings.

I am also really looking forward to visiting my parents next weekend - we are going to try again at letting the children sleep there on their own plus the Easter Weekend itself as we have a couple of fun days booked with various friends - something I always appreciate.

On another note I have been asked to offer support, advise and comfort to other potential adopters by friends as well as our social worker. I am happy to try and help, as much as I can: I just hope that I can.

Keep your fingers off it, leave it alone

You know it doesn't belong to you.

I feel like a broken record at the moment and this is all I seem to be saying to oldest. He is forever touching - he touches everything he can when we go shopping, if there is something different on the side he has to pick it up and he does the same when we are at other people’s houses.

 The last week has seen 2 incidents;

1)     A razor! He went into a bathroom he was told not to, he had a climb and found a razor. He cut his hand with it. Cue many tears, lots of tissues and a plaster plus a stern talking to about touching things that aren’t his in rooms that he has been asked not to go into.

2)      Last Sunday morning he went to the toilet at a friend’s house. When he was longer than expected I went to check on him to find his hands covered in blue. After my immediate panic I worked out from the smell that it was blue nail varnish. A glance around the bathroom brought into reality that not only was it over all his hands but also the floor, a white wicker drawer set and the sink. A bottle of remover later and the worst of the damage was gone but there had to be a consequence so we left after making him apologise.

 I am so scared that one day he will touch something and cause himself serious harm which means that we surely can’t leave him unsupervised at all – not going to the toilet, not playing in his bedroom or playing in the garden. But, if we do this we are giving him what he craves, undivided attention all of the time. It means youngest looses out when both children are with just the one of us. Plus what implication does that have for her safety.

We have made a real effort to make our environment as safe as possible – the garden is secure and no tools can be reached, everything medicinal is out of sight and out of reach, we have the stair gate for the top of the stairs, scissors are kept away, the kitchen cupboards and drawers all have child locks, the cleaning chemicals are locked away but we wouldn’t and can’t expect this when we are visiting so what do we do? Keep him supervised? If we do that we never give him chance to earn our trust. But in the meantime I am terrified of what he might get his hands on.

 It is hard and the image in my head is of him stood, in his pyjamas, showing me his bright blue hands and saying ‘I didn’t touch anything’

In whose best interests?

I keep asking myself this especially when we have a decision to make. The one that we have on the table is one that we discussed some time ago, we had decided and that choice had been taken from us due to circumstances out of control but things have changed and the option has returned.

Do we meet the children’s birth mum?  

We had always said that we would. I feel strongly that it gives me the opportunity to say to the children, when they are older and when they ask, that we did make the effort to meet her, that she wasn’t a bad person and that she did love them.

When we originally discussed this we were very open to it however the children’s social worker felt that it was not appropriate as their birth mum was not accepting of their adoption, her attendance record was poor and her behaviour was angry and aggressive. This seems to have changed and she is still asking to meet us. Honestly, I can’t blame her for being angry, I would think that had the situation been reversed I would have been angry but I would like to think that I would have turned up for every meeting and every contact session.

I have to confess that I am curious to meet her but I am conscious of how hard it might be for her – professionals deemed her to be unfit to care for her children and those children were given to me by those same professionals. I don’t feel like I am in any way ‘better’ than her – I believe that she has been incredibly unlucky in her background, the people surrounding her and the choices that she has made but that does not make a bad person.

At the moment we have agreed to open discussions , we have to wait for the social workers involved to talk to all and decide whether to facilitate a meeting, After that we have to be prepared but the hope is for sooner rather than later.

Year 2 - Birthdays again.

Last week it was smallest birthday – a whole 3 years old and what a different day to 12 months ago.

This was the post:http://anewroad-vicfish.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/celebrations.html

This year the weather was glorious, she was not poorly, she bounded into our bedroom, climbed into bed and helped herself to the duvet. She knew it was her birthday, that they day would be about her and she was giddy. Everything was different. She was laughing and ripping into her presents rather than watching wide eyed and relying on constant positive encouragement. She was over the moon with her Hulk outfit and her Harry Potter outfit. She was straight on her big girl bike with her helmet on. Her dolly was unboxed, undressed and fed immediately.

The weather was so lovely that we spent most of the day outside. She learnt to peddle and steer her bike and blew thousands of bubbles with her new bubble machine. Sadly at no point during the day did her new jigsaws come out of their boxes but there is always time for that. I am also glad that we blew up some balloons as they are always a great source of amusement and fun. Plus, what is a party if there are no balloons.   

Lunch was the ‘party time’. We had considered a proper party but she still feels too little for something too formal and the likes of parties at soft play centres would be wasted as she is still not quite big enough to get everything out of them. We decided to go for a party at home with family instead and so lunch was lots of the foods that she enjoys – pasta, crisps, dips, spring rolls, chicken satay, popcorn and breadsticks plus a few bits for the grownups!

Her cake was a Grandma special – a tiger face and it was amazing! My mum has a book of cakes which I remember when I was a little girl and it is full of fabulous cakes from the tiger to all the numbers, other animals, houses, sports themed cakes a train and a princess castle. Next year I think we aim for the princess castle!

I have to spare a thought for oldest. Her birthday was incredibly hard for him, He still really struggles when he is not sharing the attention (and has a preference for being the centre of it) and he desperately wanted presents for himself. Youngest tried really hard to share everything with him but it was not always possible (The Hulk outfit being a key one as it was far too small for him to borrow). He was such a good boy, we each tried to take a moment to give him some time and he was also given a spiderman model during the day and, at bed time, to celebrate his achievement he was given an ice hockey bear. The bear promptly replaced his usual bed time cuddle and has remained there ever since. We reminded him that it would be his birthday soon and that we would get the presents, the party, and the cake – he just has to be patient.

 My next task is to encourage the making and sending of the thank you cards.