Keep your fingers off it, leave it alone

You know it doesn't belong to you.

I feel like a broken record at the moment and this is all I seem to be saying to oldest. He is forever touching - he touches everything he can when we go shopping, if there is something different on the side he has to pick it up and he does the same when we are at other people’s houses.

 The last week has seen 2 incidents;

1)     A razor! He went into a bathroom he was told not to, he had a climb and found a razor. He cut his hand with it. Cue many tears, lots of tissues and a plaster plus a stern talking to about touching things that aren’t his in rooms that he has been asked not to go into.

2)      Last Sunday morning he went to the toilet at a friend’s house. When he was longer than expected I went to check on him to find his hands covered in blue. After my immediate panic I worked out from the smell that it was blue nail varnish. A glance around the bathroom brought into reality that not only was it over all his hands but also the floor, a white wicker drawer set and the sink. A bottle of remover later and the worst of the damage was gone but there had to be a consequence so we left after making him apologise.

 I am so scared that one day he will touch something and cause himself serious harm which means that we surely can’t leave him unsupervised at all – not going to the toilet, not playing in his bedroom or playing in the garden. But, if we do this we are giving him what he craves, undivided attention all of the time. It means youngest looses out when both children are with just the one of us. Plus what implication does that have for her safety.

We have made a real effort to make our environment as safe as possible – the garden is secure and no tools can be reached, everything medicinal is out of sight and out of reach, we have the stair gate for the top of the stairs, scissors are kept away, the kitchen cupboards and drawers all have child locks, the cleaning chemicals are locked away but we wouldn’t and can’t expect this when we are visiting so what do we do? Keep him supervised? If we do that we never give him chance to earn our trust. But in the meantime I am terrified of what he might get his hands on.

 It is hard and the image in my head is of him stood, in his pyjamas, showing me his bright blue hands and saying ‘I didn’t touch anything’

In whose best interests?

I keep asking myself this especially when we have a decision to make. The one that we have on the table is one that we discussed some time ago, we had decided and that choice had been taken from us due to circumstances out of control but things have changed and the option has returned.

Do we meet the children’s birth mum?  

We had always said that we would. I feel strongly that it gives me the opportunity to say to the children, when they are older and when they ask, that we did make the effort to meet her, that she wasn’t a bad person and that she did love them.

When we originally discussed this we were very open to it however the children’s social worker felt that it was not appropriate as their birth mum was not accepting of their adoption, her attendance record was poor and her behaviour was angry and aggressive. This seems to have changed and she is still asking to meet us. Honestly, I can’t blame her for being angry, I would think that had the situation been reversed I would have been angry but I would like to think that I would have turned up for every meeting and every contact session.

I have to confess that I am curious to meet her but I am conscious of how hard it might be for her – professionals deemed her to be unfit to care for her children and those children were given to me by those same professionals. I don’t feel like I am in any way ‘better’ than her – I believe that she has been incredibly unlucky in her background, the people surrounding her and the choices that she has made but that does not make a bad person.

At the moment we have agreed to open discussions , we have to wait for the social workers involved to talk to all and decide whether to facilitate a meeting, After that we have to be prepared but the hope is for sooner rather than later.

Year 2 - Birthdays again.

Last week it was smallest birthday – a whole 3 years old and what a different day to 12 months ago.

This was the post:http://anewroad-vicfish.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/celebrations.html

This year the weather was glorious, she was not poorly, she bounded into our bedroom, climbed into bed and helped herself to the duvet. She knew it was her birthday, that they day would be about her and she was giddy. Everything was different. She was laughing and ripping into her presents rather than watching wide eyed and relying on constant positive encouragement. She was over the moon with her Hulk outfit and her Harry Potter outfit. She was straight on her big girl bike with her helmet on. Her dolly was unboxed, undressed and fed immediately.

The weather was so lovely that we spent most of the day outside. She learnt to peddle and steer her bike and blew thousands of bubbles with her new bubble machine. Sadly at no point during the day did her new jigsaws come out of their boxes but there is always time for that. I am also glad that we blew up some balloons as they are always a great source of amusement and fun. Plus, what is a party if there are no balloons.   

Lunch was the ‘party time’. We had considered a proper party but she still feels too little for something too formal and the likes of parties at soft play centres would be wasted as she is still not quite big enough to get everything out of them. We decided to go for a party at home with family instead and so lunch was lots of the foods that she enjoys – pasta, crisps, dips, spring rolls, chicken satay, popcorn and breadsticks plus a few bits for the grownups!

Her cake was a Grandma special – a tiger face and it was amazing! My mum has a book of cakes which I remember when I was a little girl and it is full of fabulous cakes from the tiger to all the numbers, other animals, houses, sports themed cakes a train and a princess castle. Next year I think we aim for the princess castle!

I have to spare a thought for oldest. Her birthday was incredibly hard for him, He still really struggles when he is not sharing the attention (and has a preference for being the centre of it) and he desperately wanted presents for himself. Youngest tried really hard to share everything with him but it was not always possible (The Hulk outfit being a key one as it was far too small for him to borrow). He was such a good boy, we each tried to take a moment to give him some time and he was also given a spiderman model during the day and, at bed time, to celebrate his achievement he was given an ice hockey bear. The bear promptly replaced his usual bed time cuddle and has remained there ever since. We reminded him that it would be his birthday soon and that we would get the presents, the party, and the cake – he just has to be patient.

 My next task is to encourage the making and sending of the thank you cards.