Number 8 - The Final Countdown

Appointment 8 and the last one! Our homestudy is over and we are now waiting for August and hopefully our panel date.

This week our appointment covered so much material it was a bit of a whirlwind -contact, diversity and clarification on a number of things already previously covered. We also finally got to see the report from the Prep course which we were less than impressed with. Not only has it taken over 4 months to be produced but it was not dated, the signitures could have been anyone and the English was poor. Plus some of the points made were questionable and indicated that the social workers did not interpret points made in the way they were meant. Luckily we clarified everything and our social worker was more than happy.

We do have plenty let to do including a reference list, some more text for our report plus our reference visits need to be done and then we are going to need a second opinion visit from another social worker. I know that our panel date is only provisional but I am really hopeful that everything can be done on time.

Also in the news this week we said a sad farewell to Andrew’s aunt on Monday after she passed away unexpectedly. My thoughts remain with her family and friends.

Lucky Number Seven

For this appointment we didn't have a 2 week break as usual but 3 weeks as our social worker was off on holiday and another prep course. As we have had no homework is has been a long few weeks but I am really glad to be back into it.
This appointment was also about the children and what children we would consider as suitable matches for us. It was really exciting to think that we were making real decisions that could affect our future in such a massive way. The discussions were long and in depth and I am really glad that Andrew and I spent so much time talking and reading about the different things we might face when considering matches. We were really well prepared as well as open about what we want, don't want and are happy to discuss which meant a really interesting, in depth and insightful conversation and our social worker was very complimentary.

The good news from this appointment is that our social worker expects we should be ready for the August panel which is incredibly exiting. We has heard from other couples from our prep course that they were looking to the July panel and I am really pleased we are not that far behind them as it that is the next massive step to complete. She plans to get our reference appointment completed and our PAR (Prospective Adopters Report) completed and then we will have a second opinion visit from another social worker but she expects no problems based on our assessment so far.

Our next session is the middle of next week and is planned to be out last one of this homestudy which is very exciting although there will be plenty of other appointments moving forwards.

What is in a name?

Further to my last post I have spent some more time thinking about what is in a name?

My name was given to be by my parents. I guess it was chosen with great care. But does it define me? Adopted children today tend to keep their names when they are adopted as their name is a link to their past, their roots and their identities. I keep wondering if it is really the best thing for adopted children. Social workers seems to believe so but looking back it used to be normal to change a child's name on adoption. I guess it all depends and I know that in some situations and circumstances names have to be changed but as far as I am aware these are in the rarest of cases and so not something I expect to have direct involvement of. I am disappointed that I will be unable to choose my children's names but I have come to terms with this.

Some people have made the comparison between this and the adopting of a pet - a dog or a cat and how many families will change their names when they come home. I have always tried to keep animals names although only one has ever come to me already named properly (Marmite, one of my current cats). I figured that he already knew his name so it would confuse him to change it. I know you can make parallels between animals and children but changing a child's name would confuse it terribly and probably without due cause.

The article that I linked to in my last post went into names being an indicator of class and how middle class parents don't want to adopt children with names that are not considered 'middle class'. I really do hope this is a pile of rubbish. If a child comes to us with the name Chelsea, Chardonnay or Crystal (with whatever spelling) I would never dream of rejecting them as this name does not define them, it is not the person they are or the person they will be it is just a label (that the child may one day choose to change).
The thing that seems to be repeated time and time again in that the name is a link to identity. I have never really had the need to question my identity but I feel that I need to try as my children will have this to face. My identity is the sum of my experiences - the people and events that have touched my life as well as influence me. So where does my name fit? It is the label that is stamped on me and when some one asks 'who is Victoria' the answer is the given in the terms of experiences?

No matter what occurs, I am Victoria and that is who I am. It is not what I am. As long as my children are proud to stand up, state their name and their pride in the person that they are I will be happy.

What has infertility taken from me?

After recent events and then seeing this awful article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2140586/Scandal-babies-parents-wont-adopt-theyre-called-Chrystal-Chardonnay.html

And reading this blog post http://positiveaboutadoption.blogspot.co.uk/

I got thinking about various things including everything I am ‘loosing’ because of my infertility. I made myself a list:

· the excitement of a positive pregnancy test

· the joy of sharing this result with Andrew

· the sharing of such wonderful news with our family and friends

· seeing our baby on the scan screen

· feeling our baby move inside me

· having a bump

· going into labour

· giving birth

· holding our baby in my arms

· our baby’s first smile, cry, nappy, wave, tooth, feed, word, crawl, steps (in no particular order)

· choosing a name for our baby

· registering our baby’s birth

· shopping for our new arrival and choosing Moses baskets, cots, bedding, travel systems, clothes and everything else we might need

·  introducing our baby to family and friends

· having our baby christened

 The list goes on and on because infertility doesn’t give anything but it takes away everything.

I might get some things back from adopting but not everything I wanted from having a child. The more I think about that the more I accept that it is enough. What I get from adopting children will never replace what I have lost but it will be enough. It has to be.

It  has also got me thinking what is in a name?

A Strange 24 hours.

Yesterday we had some good news and some bad news. It has taken me a little time to get my head around this news. I tried writing this post yesterday but really struggled to find the words.

Sadly we found out that Andrew's Aunt had passed away over night. My thoughts and prayers are with her husband and children as well as the rest of her family and friends. She was so very young in my eyes, barely retired and seemed to be well at Easter when we saw her last. It is such a shame and I am sure she will be missed by many.

The better news was the birth of his niece's little girl.

It feels very strange to have such a happy event on the same day as such a sad one but it brought back into focus something that I have heard said but never directly to me - one in, one out. It seems so very wrong to say this, as if the baby couldn't have been born if some one hasn't passed away to 'make room'. I am not sure how I would feel if some one said that to me after the passing of someone very important to me.

I feel so very detached at the moment - almost without emotion. Maybe the last couple of weeks have taken there toll on me and this is how my brain has decided to protect itself. I would normally have been very cross about a couple of things but I have brushed them aside. On the news of the last few births I have needed a moment to grieve what I have lost and re-find acceptance of my circumstances and my jealousy but this time I am numb. My this is the next stage in my own healing process.

Cancelled.

I knew that we would be very lucky to have all our appointments kept without needed to reschedule so I am grateful that it has taken this long for it to happen to us. Tomorrow's appointment has been moved back to the 14th May. It is not a big set back, only a week based on appointments every 2 week, so I have some time to get my head straight.

In the mean time I have submitted the following article for the blog kept by Sew Sweet (http://www.sew-sweet-blog.blogspot.com/) which they will hopefully publish later in year but as this project has been one I have really enjoyed it and am really pleased with the result I thought I would add it here.

After a Facebook request from the nice ladies at Sew Sweet I have kept a blog post of me making their lovely Stocking Advent Calendar but first to introduce myself. I am Victoria, a novice crafter who likes to have a go at lots of different things include card making, cross stitch, sewing and anything else that takes my fancy. Please feel free to visit me at my blog http://anewroad-vicfish.blogspot.co.uk/ which details my journey to becoming an adoptive parent with my husband after a long battle with infertility and miscarriage.

Anyway, so, after a long time of looking I found on Sew Sweet the Advent calendar kit using felt. I have wanted to make something this for ages and have been looking for a nice kit so decided to give it a go.

My box arrived beautifully presented and I was really pleased with the quality of the bits and pieces that were included. 

 It included all the numbers, ribbons and decorative bits – I couldn’t wait to get started. Once I had lain all the bits out I set each stocking up – a front and a back with a number as per the instructions and then cut the ric rac to the right size and laid this out as well. Once laid out I glued everything down with trusty PVA (the instructions say you could also use fabric glue but this not something I have).

On the instructions the next thing to do once sew on the ribbon which I did once it was cut into the right lengths and I decided to sew the buttons on at the same time. I figured it would look neater in the end.

The last job was to sew the stockings together using my trusty sewing machine – I did consider hand sewing them but they are stronger and look at lot neater on the machine. You can see from my photo that my machine had problems getting really close to the button but this does me a nice opening for when I come to filling my stockings with treats.

I am really pleased with the end result and all I hope is that Christmas comes around soon so I have this in a place of pride in my home filled with lovely goodies for the family to enjoy.

I know it is very early but Merry Christmas and happy crafting to all.