Having a plan for the festive period is nice - I like knowing what is happening and where and it allows me to be prepared. This year it seemed to go to my plan.
I decided to invite my husband's family for Christmas Eve dinner, I like to make the effort for his Mum who always works like a trooper on Christmas day to feed everyone. Due to the increased number of meals that resemble what is essentially a Sunday lunch I decided to cook something different, something that could offer its own little hug. A form of beef stew with either mash and fresh crunchy bread followed by apple crumble and custard. My other thought was that the children could help by making the bread - keeps them occupied, involved and learning something.
It worked!
They helped me to make the bread, set the table and were generally stars until we sat down to eat.
On Christmas Eve I also needed to make deserts for the big day - my offer of assistance and something that I do enjoy doing. This years offerings include a strawberry cheesecake and missippi mud pie and apple. The one tradition that I hate at Christmas is the puddings (but I know that his mother will have bought a Christmas pudding and mince pies - she does it ever year even when I offer to make some). The cheesecake was made by my husband and the smalls. My pie was a complete disaster. I need to get better at making pastry.
On Christmas morning we were at home - the kids and their presents got to do their thing happily and then we went to enjoy the company of family. It as a Christmas Day that was very different to last year. Last year we stayed home, had no visitors and enjoyed a day for the 4 of us. It was hard persuading the children that they didn't want to take all their new toys to their grandparents house - I tried and limit is to 2 or 3 each but I was not that successful.
Boxing Day I was grateful for nice weather. We all got wrapped up warm and outside. We decided on a local woods with the bikes to blow away the cobwebs and I seemed to do us some good.
Sadly oldest is finding his change of routine really hard. It has meant that his behaviour has not been as good as we would have liked and certainly no where near as good as he can be. It has caused a strain as at times I a m struggling to help him.
Tomorrow we have another treat lined up - the pantomime. We didn't take them last year as we decided that they were too little but this year I am hoping that they enjoy every second of it. Some of my happiest childhood memories include the pantomime.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
Why don't people listen?
Earlier this week we attended our very first 'nativity' performance at school. All the KS1 children at oldest's school banded together to perform a non-standard performance complete with a lot of singing.
As instructed by oldest we sat as close to the front as we could manage (and on the end of the row in case youngest needed a quick escape) and I am not sure that helped as he didn't want to stand and sing with the other children and he appear, for the majority of it, distracted and uninterested. Possibly a side effect of the end-of-term-itis that he currently has along with a cough and cold. To be very fair to the children there were a lot of coughing, sneezing and sniffing going on - the head even admitted that many children were poorly so others had taken on new roles and new lines and they had adapted brilliantly.
What I did note was that the Head was very clear about the taking of photos and videos - she was happy that people could but under no circumstances were they to be placed onto social media. I thought that was fair. Sadly she wasn't listened to, a letter has since come home reminding parents of this and asking for photos on social media are removed immediately. Both in the letter and verbally she reminded people that some children were considered to be vulnerable in that their location can not be public. It frustrates me that other parents are willing to jeopardise the safety of children just to publish a few photos on Facebook.
Christmas Round 1
This weekend we got to enjoy an early Christmas thanks to my parents. My Dad has always been one of these unlucky souls that has to work over Christmas so we have tried to celebrate with him early when possible. This weekend was it.
We travelled the 80 something miles on Friday evening so we could wake up where we wanted to be - the naught Elf currently staying with us had stowed away and covered all the doorways at my parents house with wrapping paper so the kids had great fun bursting through it all! We did the first round of presents - I like to be there to see presents that I have chosen opened and so I always try to open presents with the giver. I also like to spread presents out to enjoy the fun more than just once on Christmas morning.
Anyway. within moments there was wrapping paper knee deep everywhere and so much excitement! Some amazing gifts come forth - an insect house for the garden a pair of massive Hulk hands, games, books and lovely outfit each plus a beautiful jewellery box for me. I do hope people liked the gifts we had chosen and made - the kids spent a lot of time making badges, pictures, wrapping paper and choosing other little things for people around us. The day went from game to game, pausing for an amazing lunch. My parents are both good with food - both having the bits they do best. Dad did a piece of rib beef that was fantastic and Mum is never going to be beaten for Yorkshire puddings. The afternoon moved on and all of sudden it was time to go out - tickets for the ice hockey had been booked as soon as we picked this weekend for our early Christmas as we all enjoy it.
Sunday was a calmer day - more games, colouring and waffles for breakfast but eventually home to leave my parents with some calm (as well as a lot less mess).
In other news we have sought some advice to help oldest with some anger management issues that he has, the visiting social worker hadn't seen us, as a family, for over a year and it was lovely to have her compliment us all from how the children have grown and developed to how well we seem to be working as a family. We are not perfect, not by a very long way, but we try.
Next step is my last 2 days at work for this year and then i can enjoy some time at home with my family enjoying Christmas all over again.
Ding DIng Round 2 . . . .
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Another round
Earlier this week we received another round of correspondence from the children's birth family inclusive of Christmas cards.
The envelope contained another 2 short but lovely letters both thanking us for our letters and the artwork that we include. I almost feel a little guilty that we can't include photos and so I am trying to show how they are progressing with the hand prints, drawings, paintings and writing. What I have noticed is the start of a repetitive pattern. My letters are no better. I write twice a year. My March letter is all the September term, Christmas and the New Year following by one birthday. My September letter covers Easter, the summer and the other birthday. I do try and add as much detail as possible - what they are doing, what they enjoy and any where that they have been. What I don't include is anything about wider family - I am not sure why. Maybe because I don't want to cause any upset by talking about the family that they have which must serve as a reminder that they are no longer a part of life for their birth families. But, on the other hand, I am sure the letters do that on their own.
What has made me a little sad is that we seem to have stopped getting one of the three letters that we agreed to - oldest's birthday father has not written again. I know that I will have to explain this to him in the future, these letters are his and when he wants them he can read them and I will talk to him about them. I am not sure how he will feel about the fact that there is only a single letter from his birth father. I plan to continue writing for a little while, to prove that I made the effort for my son's sake, but eventually I will stop. I can't continue writing letters that get no response.
The envelope contained another 2 short but lovely letters both thanking us for our letters and the artwork that we include. I almost feel a little guilty that we can't include photos and so I am trying to show how they are progressing with the hand prints, drawings, paintings and writing. What I have noticed is the start of a repetitive pattern. My letters are no better. I write twice a year. My March letter is all the September term, Christmas and the New Year following by one birthday. My September letter covers Easter, the summer and the other birthday. I do try and add as much detail as possible - what they are doing, what they enjoy and any where that they have been. What I don't include is anything about wider family - I am not sure why. Maybe because I don't want to cause any upset by talking about the family that they have which must serve as a reminder that they are no longer a part of life for their birth families. But, on the other hand, I am sure the letters do that on their own.
What has made me a little sad is that we seem to have stopped getting one of the three letters that we agreed to - oldest's birthday father has not written again. I know that I will have to explain this to him in the future, these letters are his and when he wants them he can read them and I will talk to him about them. I am not sure how he will feel about the fact that there is only a single letter from his birth father. I plan to continue writing for a little while, to prove that I made the effort for my son's sake, but eventually I will stop. I can't continue writing letters that get no response.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
On with the show . . . . .
My Mum and I had a heated conversation yesterday about whether I could take youngest to the nativity pay at school - the one where oldest has a starring role. We have been allocated 2 tickets for the evening performance (as we requested - the afternoon performance would mean I would need to book an afternoon off work in order to attend) and my plan was always that youngest would sit on a knee for it. It is not going to be a long performance and she is only 3 plus I can take enough to entertain her quietly so that we can enjoy.
Mum, however, told me to check with the school as a the school where she works they do not allow younger siblings in to the evening performance. I find this completely unacceptable - it doesn't support working parents as if this was the case for us either one of us would miss the show or we would have to locate a babysitter.
I will check with the school however my recent communications to them about their lack of support for working parents will hopefully mean that they think about their responses and the needs of the families around the children who attend their school.
Mum, however, told me to check with the school as a the school where she works they do not allow younger siblings in to the evening performance. I find this completely unacceptable - it doesn't support working parents as if this was the case for us either one of us would miss the show or we would have to locate a babysitter.
I will check with the school however my recent communications to them about their lack of support for working parents will hopefully mean that they think about their responses and the needs of the families around the children who attend their school.
Monday, December 8, 2014
A bit too big.
At the weekend we enjoyed our annual trip to see Father Christmas.
It was so different to last year. Instead of 2 scared little people I followed 2 self confident and self assured little monkeys into the room and the proudly told Father Christmas what they would like for Christmas. The photo is amazing as well - they have grown enormously and not only in size. Prior to the actual meeting we traversed the winter wonderland - a massive barn bedecked with as much as possible to alleviate the boredom of the usually epic queue. Arriving moments after opening time helped as the queue was less epic than expected and we travelled through enjoying it all, waiting only a short moment for our turn to take a ride on the train.
After this we went to choose a tree - I love a real tree, I love the smell and the fact that they are not regular. We managed to choose a tree together - it didn't look that massive in the garden centre, just bushy. My first hint of the problem to come was when it wouldn't fit into the metal drum they use to wrap the tree. It took 2 men pushing and pulling it to wrestle it through. The second clue was when we tried to get it into the car. It wasn't as tall as last year (that tree had about 3 foot cut off in order to get it into the house) but it was a lot wider. The third clue was Andrew trimming the base in order to get it to fit into our stand,
Once in the house, still wrapped, we were happy with the height. It didn't touch the ceiling. Andrew very slowly unwrapped it from the bottom, trimming out branches here and there and, once uncovered we turned it to fit in its allocation space. So much wider that it seemed in the garden centre. The kids loved it. After leaving it to settle they helped us to cover it in lights, tinsel, decorations and paper chains. It looks amazing.
This tree was a great choice for one more reason - it has no formal 'top'. At the moment we have an old star topper that has been in use for many years but neither of us like it. we have been looking to replace it and struggling to find the right topper. I am not a fan of angels, the star is a bit boring. My dad's topper is the best - a Tasmanian Devil dressed as an angel complete with halo and biker jacket. The search will continue but for this year we can manage without one as they tree has no where to put one. Perfect.
This is only our second Christmas as a family, it is hard to believe that we have been a family for less than 2 years as time has flown and I can barely remember life without them. Christmas this year will be different as we can do more, I am less scared of over facing them and, maybe because they are older, they can cope with a little bit more. We have so many new experiences to enjoy - oldest's first nativity (as a proud shepherd wearing a shepherd's costume and not his Captain America suit as first requested) and the pantonmine plus parties and so much more. We will not get our family day alone this year and I am ok with that.
In other news our visitor, Elvis the naughty elf has not been as good as hoped - more on his antics separately.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Elvis has entered the building.
This year we decided to welcome to our home for the month of December a naughty elf called Elvis. We thought it would be fun for the children as well as for us. So, last night, we set up up with a letter from Father Christmas asking he children to look after him and to teach him how to be a good elf. After the week that oldest had last week we are hoping it can improve them both! My husband had found some carpet freshening powder with a footprint stencil and so these were placed around the elf to prove that Father Christmas had really been.
I am so excited for him to get up to his mischief, it will be so much fun to see their faces in the morning when they get up!
Friday, November 28, 2014
Labels
We have always struggled with jealousy and recently it feel like it is getting a little out of hand. So much so that I have gone back to social services and asked for help. Both children have always been extremely aware of the other - what they are doing, what they are playing with and what interaction they have with people around them. Lately is feels like it is getting worse.
We do try and do things with them both together and on their own but it is hard and I always thought them being in separate educational environments would be helpful. I am no longer all that sure as it seems to have made things worse, especially for oldest. I hate saying it but, when it comes to his sister, he has turned really mean. She will ask for something and he will push her out of the way to get it first, she will ask to do something and the same occurs. If we ask her to do something he pushes past to make sure he does it and now, she is following his example and doing the same to him.
I always make sure that, where possible, I get some time with oldest in an evening. we tend to use it to do his ready book and talk about his day. I also try really hard to talk to each of them in turn, asking the other to listen so they know that they have my full attention. I have worked hard to practise positive reinforcement with them both, to praise the good bits and I know I am not perfect, there are days when one child gets a bit more time than the other - for example youngest being poorly (which she often is) sends him into over drive because all she wants is to be cuddled. Oldest never really asks for cuddles. he will push her out of the way and cuddle me but it feels like he does like to take away from her rather than because he enjoys a cuddle.
I can't help wondering what I am doing wrong, why he feels like this and what I can do to help him feel more secure. That is why I have asked for help as I just don't know. The advice came back to carry on with everything we are doing. I am not sure how helpful that is.
Today has been a rough day for oldest, school had to tell us that he had missed his play time and we put into time out for no listening and messing about especially at lunch time. He is trying to cope with so much - it is not a good time of year for him, he seems to be pushing his boundaries at school as he is really settled and he is really crossed with us because we can't make it to stay and play sessions in his class like other parents can. I hate that I have to work, I feel so guilty because if I didn't work I could be there for those sessions but I just don't have a choice. I have to work, I have to earn the money we need to do all the things we want to.
We have some work to do to help him to understand that some things are beyond our control, I am hoping for a good weekend so we can reinforce the positives with him because he isn't a naughty boy and I don't want him to be labelled as one.
We do try and do things with them both together and on their own but it is hard and I always thought them being in separate educational environments would be helpful. I am no longer all that sure as it seems to have made things worse, especially for oldest. I hate saying it but, when it comes to his sister, he has turned really mean. She will ask for something and he will push her out of the way to get it first, she will ask to do something and the same occurs. If we ask her to do something he pushes past to make sure he does it and now, she is following his example and doing the same to him.
I always make sure that, where possible, I get some time with oldest in an evening. we tend to use it to do his ready book and talk about his day. I also try really hard to talk to each of them in turn, asking the other to listen so they know that they have my full attention. I have worked hard to practise positive reinforcement with them both, to praise the good bits and I know I am not perfect, there are days when one child gets a bit more time than the other - for example youngest being poorly (which she often is) sends him into over drive because all she wants is to be cuddled. Oldest never really asks for cuddles. he will push her out of the way and cuddle me but it feels like he does like to take away from her rather than because he enjoys a cuddle.
I can't help wondering what I am doing wrong, why he feels like this and what I can do to help him feel more secure. That is why I have asked for help as I just don't know. The advice came back to carry on with everything we are doing. I am not sure how helpful that is.
Today has been a rough day for oldest, school had to tell us that he had missed his play time and we put into time out for no listening and messing about especially at lunch time. He is trying to cope with so much - it is not a good time of year for him, he seems to be pushing his boundaries at school as he is really settled and he is really crossed with us because we can't make it to stay and play sessions in his class like other parents can. I hate that I have to work, I feel so guilty because if I didn't work I could be there for those sessions but I just don't have a choice. I have to work, I have to earn the money we need to do all the things we want to.
We have some work to do to help him to understand that some things are beyond our control, I am hoping for a good weekend so we can reinforce the positives with him because he isn't a naughty boy and I don't want him to be labelled as one.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Another application . . . .
for school!
I can not believe it but September will see youngest enter school, just 12 months after oldest. Time really is flying past as it feels like only last month that she came to us, less than 2 years old!
She is excited about going to the big school with her big brother and he is so protective I am sure he will look out for her.
All I have to do now is wait for confirmation that we will get the school we want, whilst I have complete confidence that we will I still like to have it in writing.
I can not believe it but September will see youngest enter school, just 12 months after oldest. Time really is flying past as it feels like only last month that she came to us, less than 2 years old!
She is excited about going to the big school with her big brother and he is so protective I am sure he will look out for her.
All I have to do now is wait for confirmation that we will get the school we want, whilst I have complete confidence that we will I still like to have it in writing.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Halloween + Bonfire Night
Halloween seems to divide the people around me - some love it and take their kids treat and treating with all the costumes and others don't quoting things like 'it's an American tradition' and 'it's begging'.
I am not sure where I sit. I can see the fun. I don't mind where the tradition started, it has been around a long time. But it could be seen as begging and I would never go to house that I didn't know the occupants or that I wasn't expected.
This year the children did get dressed up - a werewolf and a bat based princess type. They love dressing up or all types and so do I so every opportunity has to be encouraged. We visited Nanny and Grandad and that was the total of treat or treat. We also enjoyed pumpkin carving and they loved seeing them all lit up in our garden. But on the weekend we did a little more - a little bonfire to clean some of the garden rubbish, a few little fireworks and some sparklers. I love a sparkler and did partake in writing my name with it (as well as carefully supervising the children) and they loved them as well. I can't remember doing anything last year for them, it might have been that youngest was just too young but hopefully this year made up for it a little bit.
I am not sure where I sit. I can see the fun. I don't mind where the tradition started, it has been around a long time. But it could be seen as begging and I would never go to house that I didn't know the occupants or that I wasn't expected.
This year the children did get dressed up - a werewolf and a bat based princess type. They love dressing up or all types and so do I so every opportunity has to be encouraged. We visited Nanny and Grandad and that was the total of treat or treat. We also enjoyed pumpkin carving and they loved seeing them all lit up in our garden. But on the weekend we did a little more - a little bonfire to clean some of the garden rubbish, a few little fireworks and some sparklers. I love a sparkler and did partake in writing my name with it (as well as carefully supervising the children) and they loved them as well. I can't remember doing anything last year for them, it might have been that youngest was just too young but hopefully this year made up for it a little bit.
It's coming . . . .
I can't hide from it - the shops are covered, the lights are out all over the place and, even though we have yet to mark Halloween or Bonfire night, Christmas really is coming.
I was really stubborn last year. I wanted a quiet day for the 4 of us - our first as a proper family. I got what I wanted and I enjoyed it. This year is different. this year everything is so much more settled and we are in a position that we can do a bit more because we can all cope with the excitement a bit more.
We already have 1 Christmas planned - my parents. Sadly my Dad has to work a lot of the Christmas period so we do it early. This year it will be the weekend before and I am confident that it will be great, even better than last year.
For December 25th I have no idea yet. We will be waking up at home, there will be presents under out tree but other than that I have nothing planned
What I really want for Christmas this year is to be 3 stone lighter - I am already over a third of the way there. I want a family photo which I can look at and actually like my appearance. So far it has been hard work but I am sticking at it and I can start to see the results. In another 8/9 weeks I am really hoping that the camera will be able to see it to.
I was really stubborn last year. I wanted a quiet day for the 4 of us - our first as a proper family. I got what I wanted and I enjoyed it. This year is different. this year everything is so much more settled and we are in a position that we can do a bit more because we can all cope with the excitement a bit more.
We already have 1 Christmas planned - my parents. Sadly my Dad has to work a lot of the Christmas period so we do it early. This year it will be the weekend before and I am confident that it will be great, even better than last year.
For December 25th I have no idea yet. We will be waking up at home, there will be presents under out tree but other than that I have nothing planned
What I really want for Christmas this year is to be 3 stone lighter - I am already over a third of the way there. I want a family photo which I can look at and actually like my appearance. So far it has been hard work but I am sticking at it and I can start to see the results. In another 8/9 weeks I am really hoping that the camera will be able to see it to.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Getting Easier
4 years ago today we said good bye.
Today that feels easier than it did last year.
Today my thoughts and prayers remain with those who had to say good bye too soon.
Today that feels easier than it did last year.
Today my thoughts and prayers remain with those who had to say good bye too soon.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Experience
It is always nice to be asked to share your experiences with other people - even nicer when you are being asked by professionals so I was really honoured to be invited to a third adoption preparation course to share my experiences with a group of prospective adopters.
It was a nice audience (mostly), nicer than the last one (who were either terrified or shy and really didn't want to interact).
I always try to be as open and honest as possible, I know that for some it is harder when the social workers are listening in especially when you are negative about something but I would hope that everyone doing something as important as adopting will get lots of different opinions and experiences and then make their own minds up as they experience the process first hand.
It is weird the way conversations develop - the first group that I talked to were really focused on how the children coped with their adoption, their contact with siblings and attachment, the second were much more focused on the application process. This group were all over the place and wanted information on allsorts from the children's attachment to the application process through introductions and everything else.
It would be nice to be invited back, time will tell but I do hope that in sharing my experiences I can help others to prepare for the hard work ahead of them as well as the joy that it can bring.
It was a nice audience (mostly), nicer than the last one (who were either terrified or shy and really didn't want to interact).
I always try to be as open and honest as possible, I know that for some it is harder when the social workers are listening in especially when you are negative about something but I would hope that everyone doing something as important as adopting will get lots of different opinions and experiences and then make their own minds up as they experience the process first hand.
It is weird the way conversations develop - the first group that I talked to were really focused on how the children coped with their adoption, their contact with siblings and attachment, the second were much more focused on the application process. This group were all over the place and wanted information on allsorts from the children's attachment to the application process through introductions and everything else.
It would be nice to be invited back, time will tell but I do hope that in sharing my experiences I can help others to prepare for the hard work ahead of them as well as the joy that it can bring.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Fancy Dress
I do love a fancy dress party and I think everyone should be encouraged to dress up as much as possible. Last weekend it was to a Disney themed occasion and we were invited as a family to attend.
We have lots of fun getting the children to choose their outfits - oldest insisted on being Batman regardless of theme. Youngest wanted to be a princess but wanted trousers and usually the 2 are not all that compatible. In Aladdin they are! Jasmine wears trousers. That was much easier than I anticipated. The outfits arrived in plenty of time and we allowed a single trying on session before the actual party.
My husband and I were not so easy. We both like to think 'outside the box' and spent ages thinking about all the franchises Disney own including Marvel, Lucasfilm (Star Wars) and Pixar. I wanted classic Disney. I wanted to be a princess too. After many suggestions, mostly of Cruella De Vil I decided on Esmeralda from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It worked well with my re-enactment costume. Ideas my husband had were much wilder - Jedi (his dressing gown essentially), Mowgli (a loin cloth!?!) and the dragon from Pete' Dragon (he would be invisible so not actually there), the list goes on and on. He eventually decided on the easy option - a pirate using his re-enactment costume.
It was fabulous - everyone had made such an effort with the costumes including a purple faced Ursula, green toy soldiers (with feet fastened together), Mr Potato Head, a storm trooper, lots of princesses and pirates as well as scattering of witches plus a few Woody and Jessie outfits.
The nicest part of the party was the people. The party was for the children's last foster carer and full of people who had not seen the children since they moved on. The comments were amazing - plenty of people commenting on how they had grown but also on how confident and happy they were, how sociable they were and crediting it to our skill are parents. It was nice to have complete strangers say such wonderful things about the children, children they knew nearly 2 years ago. To their credit the children were amazing - fazed on occasion by people who knew them but whom they had no memory of which we expected. It made me exceptionally proud to be able to call myself their mummy.
We have lots of fun getting the children to choose their outfits - oldest insisted on being Batman regardless of theme. Youngest wanted to be a princess but wanted trousers and usually the 2 are not all that compatible. In Aladdin they are! Jasmine wears trousers. That was much easier than I anticipated. The outfits arrived in plenty of time and we allowed a single trying on session before the actual party.
My husband and I were not so easy. We both like to think 'outside the box' and spent ages thinking about all the franchises Disney own including Marvel, Lucasfilm (Star Wars) and Pixar. I wanted classic Disney. I wanted to be a princess too. After many suggestions, mostly of Cruella De Vil I decided on Esmeralda from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It worked well with my re-enactment costume. Ideas my husband had were much wilder - Jedi (his dressing gown essentially), Mowgli (a loin cloth!?!) and the dragon from Pete' Dragon (he would be invisible so not actually there), the list goes on and on. He eventually decided on the easy option - a pirate using his re-enactment costume.
It was fabulous - everyone had made such an effort with the costumes including a purple faced Ursula, green toy soldiers (with feet fastened together), Mr Potato Head, a storm trooper, lots of princesses and pirates as well as scattering of witches plus a few Woody and Jessie outfits.
The nicest part of the party was the people. The party was for the children's last foster carer and full of people who had not seen the children since they moved on. The comments were amazing - plenty of people commenting on how they had grown but also on how confident and happy they were, how sociable they were and crediting it to our skill are parents. It was nice to have complete strangers say such wonderful things about the children, children they knew nearly 2 years ago. To their credit the children were amazing - fazed on occasion by people who knew them but whom they had no memory of which we expected. It made me exceptionally proud to be able to call myself their mummy.
Sitting Near The Back
Last weekend we went to a lovely Baptism. We returned to a church we had visited before, first for the wedding and then the baptism of their first child and it was lovely to go back to such a lovely place and be as warmly welcomed as before. This was the second time the children have attended a Baptism that was not their own. We were a lot more prepared and took with us books plus CBBebbies on the pad and phone. For the most part it worked but I am glad that we were sitting near the back.
It is always lovely to attend these family occasions as a family. With our children.
It is always lovely to attend these family occasions as a family. With our children.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Playing Hairdressers
I know you shouldn't laugh but in this instance I couldn't help myself. Excusing myself from all ears I had to laugh. Why? Because my oldest child allowed his younger sister to cut his hair. Just one long stripe of hair from the from of his head with a beard trimmer. Down to mm. When Nanny wasn't looking. He actually sat still whilst she, aged 3 and a half, took a trimmer to his head.
The evidence was under his desk, no attempt had been made to hide it but what I can't work out is how they managed to get the beard trimmer down from the top shelf in the bathroom. I thought it was completely out of reach. Obviously I was wrong. Very, very wrong. The step has been removed from the bathroom as they can both reach the toilet and the sink without it.
I did ask why he stopped a the single stripe - he keeps insisting he wants his hair cut like his daddy's. He wouldn't tell me.
My choices were - leave it to grow out (and leaving him looking ever so slightly silly whilst it does) or shave it all off?
I desperately don't want to shave his hair off, he has lovely hair and he is so handsome with it plus with school photos next week I worry what he will look like. But, on the other hand, he does look silly and that isn't really very nice for him. A shaved head is going to be colder that his head of hair and it could look messy as it grows out.
Tonight I bit the bullet and did it - number 2 all over. I don't like it but it looks neater.
The evidence was under his desk, no attempt had been made to hide it but what I can't work out is how they managed to get the beard trimmer down from the top shelf in the bathroom. I thought it was completely out of reach. Obviously I was wrong. Very, very wrong. The step has been removed from the bathroom as they can both reach the toilet and the sink without it.
I did ask why he stopped a the single stripe - he keeps insisting he wants his hair cut like his daddy's. He wouldn't tell me.
My choices were - leave it to grow out (and leaving him looking ever so slightly silly whilst it does) or shave it all off?
I desperately don't want to shave his hair off, he has lovely hair and he is so handsome with it plus with school photos next week I worry what he will look like. But, on the other hand, he does look silly and that isn't really very nice for him. A shaved head is going to be colder that his head of hair and it could look messy as it grows out.
Tonight I bit the bullet and did it - number 2 all over. I don't like it but it looks neater.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Temper
I wanted to dedicate today's post to my oldest. He is not a sulky child, he does not hold grudges but he does have an amazing temper and, when the mood takes, him the capacity to have a serious tantrum.
It was a Saturday morning, he was tired from a long week at school and excited because Grandma was visiting. Haircut time. So we trouped into town and he went second. He was as good as gold and earned his lolly. Walking to the supermarket after I had to ask him repeatedly to walk nicely, it is a busy road and I wanted him to be safe. I warned him that the consequence of not walking nicely would be the loss of his lolly. He lost his lolly. He lost his temper. He screamed, cried and wouldn't hold hands. I gave him a choice - me or Grandma and he chose Grandma.
It is never fun walking anywhere with a screaming child but I refuse to give in to him. So we did what we needed to in the supermarket and walked to the post office - screaming all the way. At the post office Grandma stood outside whilst youngest and I went inside to post the letter. As I was leaving I saw him wrench his hand away and run, at full speed, Grandma chasing him. What happened next will live in my memory forever. An old lady tried to block the path to stop him so he darted in between 2 parked cars and into the road. I thanked God that there were no cars.
Grandma caught him, gave him the telling off of his life and then handed him over to me. I frog marched him back to the car so fast he was jogging to keep up. I sat him in the car and I stood away from the car, where he could see me but with back to him to calm down. Grandma was devastated. She thought he was going to get run over and that it was her fault. All I could do was comfort her. Luckily he was safe.
Not 72 hours after this outburst we attended a meeting with his teacher to discuss how he is settling in and we were amazed at how well he has coped with the transition to school. The teacher was honest, he is an active boy with firm opinions and he can be naughty. But on the whole they were really pleased with him and commented on how helpful and pleasant he can be. They accepted the standing on the loo seats and hiding when he didn't want to join in as normal behaviour. They had no concerns about his behaviour, his development or anything.
I was relived. As well as very proud. Now to tackle the temper.
It was a Saturday morning, he was tired from a long week at school and excited because Grandma was visiting. Haircut time. So we trouped into town and he went second. He was as good as gold and earned his lolly. Walking to the supermarket after I had to ask him repeatedly to walk nicely, it is a busy road and I wanted him to be safe. I warned him that the consequence of not walking nicely would be the loss of his lolly. He lost his lolly. He lost his temper. He screamed, cried and wouldn't hold hands. I gave him a choice - me or Grandma and he chose Grandma.
It is never fun walking anywhere with a screaming child but I refuse to give in to him. So we did what we needed to in the supermarket and walked to the post office - screaming all the way. At the post office Grandma stood outside whilst youngest and I went inside to post the letter. As I was leaving I saw him wrench his hand away and run, at full speed, Grandma chasing him. What happened next will live in my memory forever. An old lady tried to block the path to stop him so he darted in between 2 parked cars and into the road. I thanked God that there were no cars.
Grandma caught him, gave him the telling off of his life and then handed him over to me. I frog marched him back to the car so fast he was jogging to keep up. I sat him in the car and I stood away from the car, where he could see me but with back to him to calm down. Grandma was devastated. She thought he was going to get run over and that it was her fault. All I could do was comfort her. Luckily he was safe.
Not 72 hours after this outburst we attended a meeting with his teacher to discuss how he is settling in and we were amazed at how well he has coped with the transition to school. The teacher was honest, he is an active boy with firm opinions and he can be naughty. But on the whole they were really pleased with him and commented on how helpful and pleasant he can be. They accepted the standing on the loo seats and hiding when he didn't want to join in as normal behaviour. They had no concerns about his behaviour, his development or anything.
I was relived. As well as very proud. Now to tackle the temper.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Keeping Up.
I decided a long time ago that I was not happy in my own skin. I feel 'big'. There is no other way to put it, just 'big'. I also don't want to be the fat mum that can' do everything with her kids. I haven't struggled yet but they are getting faster and faster every day and I can see a day when I do struggle. And I don't want to.
So, earlier this week I decided to take the plunge, be really firm with myself and start a new diet. A serious diet. One of meal replacements rather than me weighing and measuring and removing an element of choice. I can still choice amongst the meals packs that I have - various soups, bars and actual meals from pancakes to carbonara to spag bol. Most are reasonably tasty (with a little salt, pepper or similar seasoning) and portions are not bad either. I have avoided the shakes, I have a mild lactose intolerance and I decided not to risk it.
I have completed day 6 today and I am starting to feel better. My headache has gone, I am not struggling for energy and so far I have not been completely distracted by hunger. What I have not done is weighed myself. The weekly weigh in is a feature in my worst nightmare and I have decided to be kinder to myself and go on my clothes. I would like to drop at least 2 dresses. A 3rd would be my stretch target.
The struggle now is not eating with my family. It is hard when the children eat between 4.30 and 5.00 as usually I am on my way home from work at this time so I enjoyed the weekends for proper family meals however it is hard to explain why I am eating different things, to explain to them that Mummy wants to loose weight - the last thing I would dream of doing is making them self conscious about their own appearances. I have tried: when I have soup for lunch so do they, they don't realise it comes from a different packet. When I have a pancake for breakfast I make them pancakes.
All I can do is stay focused and hope that this is the time that it works.
So, earlier this week I decided to take the plunge, be really firm with myself and start a new diet. A serious diet. One of meal replacements rather than me weighing and measuring and removing an element of choice. I can still choice amongst the meals packs that I have - various soups, bars and actual meals from pancakes to carbonara to spag bol. Most are reasonably tasty (with a little salt, pepper or similar seasoning) and portions are not bad either. I have avoided the shakes, I have a mild lactose intolerance and I decided not to risk it.
I have completed day 6 today and I am starting to feel better. My headache has gone, I am not struggling for energy and so far I have not been completely distracted by hunger. What I have not done is weighed myself. The weekly weigh in is a feature in my worst nightmare and I have decided to be kinder to myself and go on my clothes. I would like to drop at least 2 dresses. A 3rd would be my stretch target.
The struggle now is not eating with my family. It is hard when the children eat between 4.30 and 5.00 as usually I am on my way home from work at this time so I enjoyed the weekends for proper family meals however it is hard to explain why I am eating different things, to explain to them that Mummy wants to loose weight - the last thing I would dream of doing is making them self conscious about their own appearances. I have tried: when I have soup for lunch so do they, they don't realise it comes from a different packet. When I have a pancake for breakfast I make them pancakes.
All I can do is stay focused and hope that this is the time that it works.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Breakfast club
The starting of school is a massive thing for any child. I knew oldest would be exactly the same as any other child when it came to that first day.
We have worked hard to prepare him for the change, knowing that changes do unsettle him and that his behaviour declines because of it. The pre school were brilliant as the new class teacher visited and the children visited their new classroom and school. The school allowed him extra time and even a school meal so he could grasp the concept that a meal would be there for him without him needing to take a lunch box with him.
So, last Thursday Daddy took him to school - resplendent in his shiny new uniform and smart black shoes. He looked so much older than his 5 years which is scary as I know he is the oldest child in his class. He was amazing. He settled into his class with no fuss, no messy and he came home exhausted but full of everything he had done and looking forward to the next day.
Today was a completely different kettle of fish. Today was my turn. Which meant breakfast club. We don't have much choice about breakfast club as it means I can get to work on time (after taking smallest to pre school) so this morning we got ready and headed out of the door. He was already unsettled. He knows that the mornings I drop them off I do so early - they were both used to going to kids club at pre school. I explained that he was having breakfast at school but I don't think he was prepared for the fact that lots of other children use breakfast club and they were all bigger than him.
He was quiet when we went in. He met the support worker in charge and paid his money. He was impressed that the cereals and juice were all laid out - seeing it reassures him that he can have it. The crunch was when I tried to say goodbye and leave. Meltdown. Pure and simple panic at being left, in a different room, with different staff and children. The staff were brilliant, even his teacher came out of the classroom to support him but I had to leave him as he was screaming for me not to leave him and to be taken home and trying to escape out of the gate. My heart broke and I cried all the way to pre school. I dropped smallest off and when asked if I was all right I burst into tears again, I even cried all the way to work. I felt like the evilest of people for leaving him.
Later on in the morning I did call school and was reassured that he was ok, he had calmed down quickly and eaten a mountain of breakfast. He had a good day at school in the end. We talked this evening about how scary it was, how it wasn't as scary as he thought it was going to be and how he needs to go sometimes, but not all the time, and how sometimes his friends will be there as their parents also work and need to drop their children off early.
Tomorrow is the big test as I have to do it all over again.
No mascara for me.
We have worked hard to prepare him for the change, knowing that changes do unsettle him and that his behaviour declines because of it. The pre school were brilliant as the new class teacher visited and the children visited their new classroom and school. The school allowed him extra time and even a school meal so he could grasp the concept that a meal would be there for him without him needing to take a lunch box with him.
So, last Thursday Daddy took him to school - resplendent in his shiny new uniform and smart black shoes. He looked so much older than his 5 years which is scary as I know he is the oldest child in his class. He was amazing. He settled into his class with no fuss, no messy and he came home exhausted but full of everything he had done and looking forward to the next day.
Today was a completely different kettle of fish. Today was my turn. Which meant breakfast club. We don't have much choice about breakfast club as it means I can get to work on time (after taking smallest to pre school) so this morning we got ready and headed out of the door. He was already unsettled. He knows that the mornings I drop them off I do so early - they were both used to going to kids club at pre school. I explained that he was having breakfast at school but I don't think he was prepared for the fact that lots of other children use breakfast club and they were all bigger than him.
He was quiet when we went in. He met the support worker in charge and paid his money. He was impressed that the cereals and juice were all laid out - seeing it reassures him that he can have it. The crunch was when I tried to say goodbye and leave. Meltdown. Pure and simple panic at being left, in a different room, with different staff and children. The staff were brilliant, even his teacher came out of the classroom to support him but I had to leave him as he was screaming for me not to leave him and to be taken home and trying to escape out of the gate. My heart broke and I cried all the way to pre school. I dropped smallest off and when asked if I was all right I burst into tears again, I even cried all the way to work. I felt like the evilest of people for leaving him.
Later on in the morning I did call school and was reassured that he was ok, he had calmed down quickly and eaten a mountain of breakfast. He had a good day at school in the end. We talked this evening about how scary it was, how it wasn't as scary as he thought it was going to be and how he needs to go sometimes, but not all the time, and how sometimes his friends will be there as their parents also work and need to drop their children off early.
Tomorrow is the big test as I have to do it all over again.
No mascara for me.
Monday, September 1, 2014
7 + 5
Today is a special day for 2 reasons.
Today, 7 years ago, I married Andrew. We had our future ahead of us and we planned to enjoy it. On that day we were surrounded by family, and friends - all the people who were important to us at the time. Some of those people have changed - some have moved on, others have been added but many are still the same and for that I am grateful.
7 years doesn't feel like a long time. Sometimes if feels like a lifetime especailly when I remember some of the darker days of our journey to get to today.
Tonight I plan to have a nice dinner once the children are in bed (hopefully at Nanny's) and I want to get the photos out and remember the day that we shared and why we are still battling life hand in hand today and, with any luck, for another 7 years and all the 7s after that.
More importantly today is also our oldest's birthday. 5. He starts school in a few days time but he had a day over the weekend that was all about him and included a party with a bouncy castle and his family and friends. We didn't want his birthday to be the day that he wasn't with us - working meant that it wasn't possible thus we celebrated a couple of days early to make it as special as possible without over loading him by having more than 1 day of birthday-ness.
One of the nicest things at the party was seeing the children's foster carers again and hearing them exclaim as to how much the children have grown and devleoped. This is his second birthday with us and we are hoping that this, and then Christmas, will be the last stages before he can accept that he is really staying with us and that means forever.
Today, 7 years ago, I married Andrew. We had our future ahead of us and we planned to enjoy it. On that day we were surrounded by family, and friends - all the people who were important to us at the time. Some of those people have changed - some have moved on, others have been added but many are still the same and for that I am grateful.
7 years doesn't feel like a long time. Sometimes if feels like a lifetime especailly when I remember some of the darker days of our journey to get to today.
Tonight I plan to have a nice dinner once the children are in bed (hopefully at Nanny's) and I want to get the photos out and remember the day that we shared and why we are still battling life hand in hand today and, with any luck, for another 7 years and all the 7s after that.
More importantly today is also our oldest's birthday. 5. He starts school in a few days time but he had a day over the weekend that was all about him and included a party with a bouncy castle and his family and friends. We didn't want his birthday to be the day that he wasn't with us - working meant that it wasn't possible thus we celebrated a couple of days early to make it as special as possible without over loading him by having more than 1 day of birthday-ness.
One of the nicest things at the party was seeing the children's foster carers again and hearing them exclaim as to how much the children have grown and devleoped. This is his second birthday with us and we are hoping that this, and then Christmas, will be the last stages before he can accept that he is really staying with us and that means forever.
Monday, August 4, 2014
A little sulk.
Last weekend we attended the wedding of 2 friends - a marvellous affair that was really personal to them. (The best type of wedding from my experience)
It highlighted something that has been bothering me for a while. I love spending time with my children, it is wonder time and worth every single second but sometimes I miss being free to spend the time with my friends and I tend to notice it after they are in bed. The wedding was over a weekend meaning 2 nights of fun to enjoy. The first was the more casual of the 2 and the venue was such that there were things for the children to enjoy - a trampoline, a swing plus the DJ has on music and a bubble machine. But they got tired, as children do. So bed time was called and off we went. The were asleep in moments, it was one of those evenings when I looked at their sleeping faces and was grateful that they were a part of my world.
But, as I sat on my own in hearing distance (a fair distance from the party) a little bit of me selfishly wished I could have gone and enjoyed myself. I would never have left them, I would never forgive myself if they woke distressed and alone or if something happened to them and I wasn't there. I was also really silly. My husband went off to enjoy the party and the longer he was gone the more wound up I got and so when he returned just over an hour later I was in a proper sulk. So when he did come back and offer to swap with me I was tired, cold and sulking and so told him to carry on and that I was going to bed.
The next evening was another evening, this time the actual reception and in the same location which the children were really excited by as they had enjoyed themselves the night before. We managed to persuade them into an afternoon sleep (to be honest, I even joined them) with a view to them being allowed to stay up late again. We went, more fun was had with the trampoline and the swing as well as the dancing and the bubbles plus the added fun of a sweetie buffet. They were brilliant, until the tiredness kicked in and once again bed time was called.
Once again they went as good as gold and I was really proud of them but I asked for a change. I asked my husband to sit with them.
I know it is selfish. I know he wants to have his social life as well but I was starting to bemoan the unfairness of him always getting to socialise and spend them time doing whatever he wanted whilst I minded our children. But I needed to let my hair down for 5 minutes. I wanted to be me and not just their mum.
The day had been one of shared time - we played with their stomp rocket, we played bowls, there was colouring in, stories and general running about and all in equal time with Grandparents and various other people joining in. It was lovely to see some friends who we have not seen for some time. It was even nicer when they commented on how much the children have grown in size and confidence as well as how our family had grown especially considering when many of them met the children only a little over a year ago.
In closing I would like to wish our friends the longest and happiest of marriages as well as much joy from their own amazing children.
It highlighted something that has been bothering me for a while. I love spending time with my children, it is wonder time and worth every single second but sometimes I miss being free to spend the time with my friends and I tend to notice it after they are in bed. The wedding was over a weekend meaning 2 nights of fun to enjoy. The first was the more casual of the 2 and the venue was such that there were things for the children to enjoy - a trampoline, a swing plus the DJ has on music and a bubble machine. But they got tired, as children do. So bed time was called and off we went. The were asleep in moments, it was one of those evenings when I looked at their sleeping faces and was grateful that they were a part of my world.
But, as I sat on my own in hearing distance (a fair distance from the party) a little bit of me selfishly wished I could have gone and enjoyed myself. I would never have left them, I would never forgive myself if they woke distressed and alone or if something happened to them and I wasn't there. I was also really silly. My husband went off to enjoy the party and the longer he was gone the more wound up I got and so when he returned just over an hour later I was in a proper sulk. So when he did come back and offer to swap with me I was tired, cold and sulking and so told him to carry on and that I was going to bed.
The next evening was another evening, this time the actual reception and in the same location which the children were really excited by as they had enjoyed themselves the night before. We managed to persuade them into an afternoon sleep (to be honest, I even joined them) with a view to them being allowed to stay up late again. We went, more fun was had with the trampoline and the swing as well as the dancing and the bubbles plus the added fun of a sweetie buffet. They were brilliant, until the tiredness kicked in and once again bed time was called.
Once again they went as good as gold and I was really proud of them but I asked for a change. I asked my husband to sit with them.
I know it is selfish. I know he wants to have his social life as well but I was starting to bemoan the unfairness of him always getting to socialise and spend them time doing whatever he wanted whilst I minded our children. But I needed to let my hair down for 5 minutes. I wanted to be me and not just their mum.
The day had been one of shared time - we played with their stomp rocket, we played bowls, there was colouring in, stories and general running about and all in equal time with Grandparents and various other people joining in. It was lovely to see some friends who we have not seen for some time. It was even nicer when they commented on how much the children have grown in size and confidence as well as how our family had grown especially considering when many of them met the children only a little over a year ago.
In closing I would like to wish our friends the longest and happiest of marriages as well as much joy from their own amazing children.
Monday, July 28, 2014
One year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days.
One year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days.
Tomorrow, that is how long the children have legally been ours.
It feels like much longer. There are days when I struggle to recall life before they entered our lives. There are days when I can't remember when we only used one of the three bedrooms in our house, when the lounge was toy-free, we didn't own plastic crockery and we didn't need a plastic tablecloth. I sometimes struggle to recall the time when I didn't need to make sure that I had wipes, snacks and some form of entertainment.
I do wonder what it might feel like when we have had the children as part of our lives for longer than we spent fighting for them but as that is some time away I will just have to wait and see.
I am looking forward to the next year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. I want to enjoy ever second.
Tomorrow, that is how long the children have legally been ours.
It feels like much longer. There are days when I struggle to recall life before they entered our lives. There are days when I can't remember when we only used one of the three bedrooms in our house, when the lounge was toy-free, we didn't own plastic crockery and we didn't need a plastic tablecloth. I sometimes struggle to recall the time when I didn't need to make sure that I had wipes, snacks and some form of entertainment.
I do wonder what it might feel like when we have had the children as part of our lives for longer than we spent fighting for them but as that is some time away I will just have to wait and see.
I am looking forward to the next year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. I want to enjoy ever second.
Friday, July 18, 2014
A Proper Party
It might sound like a silly thing but the planning of a birthday party, a proper children's birthday party with all the trimmings, has been something that I have only ever dreamed of. Last year, youngest was too little and whilst oldest had a birthday in the school holidays we weren't organised enough (and maybe brave enough) to try and have one for him. This year is different. Youngest was still too young although next year she will have her turn. Oldest however wants a party, He will be 5 and so we have started to make the plans. We have a hall booked. We found a bouncy castle hire company and booked one.
My Mum has offered to make a cake and I am planning sandwiches and other party food plus party bags, balloons and games. I am not sure who is looking forward to it most - me or oldest. I am hoping his friends can all come and with any luck the weather will be fine.
First things first, we need to do the end of term and enjoy the summer holidays.
In other news we have a case of the pox - variety: chicken. Youngest is not a happy sausage but we have calpol, pireton and number skin applications to ease the itching. I am hoping it doesn't last too long.
My Mum has offered to make a cake and I am planning sandwiches and other party food plus party bags, balloons and games. I am not sure who is looking forward to it most - me or oldest. I am hoping his friends can all come and with any luck the weather will be fine.
First things first, we need to do the end of term and enjoy the summer holidays.
In other news we have a case of the pox - variety: chicken. Youngest is not a happy sausage but we have calpol, pireton and number skin applications to ease the itching. I am hoping it doesn't last too long.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
A weekend of sucesses.
Camping is a thing we have always done and always enjoyed. Getting the children to fit in seemed like an easy thing to do when we first talked about it. We focused on the practical. We got a much bigger tent so they had room to sleep as well as room to play if the weather kept us indoors (hasn't yet but the puddlesuits we have are worth their weight in gold). We made sure they had the right bedding to be comfortable and warm in the night. We made sure they had the right clothes from the fleecy onesies to sleep in to the puddlesuits and wellies in case of rain.
What we forgot about was the sheer excitement of it all and the effect that it might have on their ability to sleep.
One of the big things that I have learnt since the children came home is that sleep is vital for us all. I need it, they need and we all need it in a sufficient quantity. It is nice, however, to allow the children a little bit more freedom and they enjoy the occasional 'staying up a bit later'. But it does leave them tired. Our other challenge stems from the fact that, in reality, we bought the wrong tent. Don't get me wrong, it is a good family tent but the children are in sleeping compartments next to each other. The can poke each other through the canvas and they hear every single sound the other makes. Next time we plan for a different format.
Usually at home the go to bed at the same time. The above meant that when we are camping it is not practical as, when we tried it, it took them hours to go to sleep because they kept waking each up. It left me incredibly stressed. We tried putting oldest to bed first, he tends to go to sleep quicker. It failed as youngest woke him when she was put to bed. We tried putting them to bed with a book each and that failed as it ended in the poking and shouting. We tried getting them to sleep whilst sat with us but wrapped up and that failed as they are not used to falling asleep on people and they woke up when we moved them. We tried the other way round - youngest first, with a book. It took her a while to go to sleep but she did and oldest could go to bed (having spent some time sitting with us) and go to sleep quickly. Looks like it might work. Our next challenge is encouraging smallest to go to sleep in less than an hour and a half.
The rest of the weekend was great - they played nicely, made friends and were generally polite and overall I was really proud of them.
What we forgot about was the sheer excitement of it all and the effect that it might have on their ability to sleep.
One of the big things that I have learnt since the children came home is that sleep is vital for us all. I need it, they need and we all need it in a sufficient quantity. It is nice, however, to allow the children a little bit more freedom and they enjoy the occasional 'staying up a bit later'. But it does leave them tired. Our other challenge stems from the fact that, in reality, we bought the wrong tent. Don't get me wrong, it is a good family tent but the children are in sleeping compartments next to each other. The can poke each other through the canvas and they hear every single sound the other makes. Next time we plan for a different format.
Usually at home the go to bed at the same time. The above meant that when we are camping it is not practical as, when we tried it, it took them hours to go to sleep because they kept waking each up. It left me incredibly stressed. We tried putting oldest to bed first, he tends to go to sleep quicker. It failed as youngest woke him when she was put to bed. We tried putting them to bed with a book each and that failed as it ended in the poking and shouting. We tried getting them to sleep whilst sat with us but wrapped up and that failed as they are not used to falling asleep on people and they woke up when we moved them. We tried the other way round - youngest first, with a book. It took her a while to go to sleep but she did and oldest could go to bed (having spent some time sitting with us) and go to sleep quickly. Looks like it might work. Our next challenge is encouraging smallest to go to sleep in less than an hour and a half.
The rest of the weekend was great - they played nicely, made friends and were generally polite and overall I was really proud of them.
Monday, June 16, 2014
A Cull
Yesterday was a terrible day. It didn't start well and it just spiralled out of all control.
Breakfast was relatively easy. I was relieved. I took them swimming, Oldest was obviously tired and whined constantly. He was also over giddy and at times, especially in the car part, dangerously so. He was on a final warning before we even got into the water but I thought that the fun of swimming would distract him enough for us to have some fun. I was wrong. Less than 15 minutes later we were showering and I had to turn off to his tantrum. Home and I settled him into bed on the promise that if he had a sleep we would start again and do something fun. He slept. He understood. His tantrum had destroyed his ability to protest about being put to bed during the day. Smallest and I curled up together on the sofa and even she had an hour fast asleep.
On waking we started again. They helped make lunch of their choosing, we ate and made a plan. We went out and behaviours started to degrade again but distraction worked for bit and bribery (new slippers!) was the ticket. We got out and to the grandparents without incident. We had a lovely Sunday lunch and the children had chance to play. Being tired means that neither of them listen. It is incredibly frustrating.
Once we got home I thought I would be able to survive the rest of the day. I was wrong.
I left them colouring for a minute. 60 seconds. No more. I came back and there was wax crayon drawing all over the carpet and the table. I lost my ability to stay calm. Without speaking I removed the tin of crayons and went to calm down. My scream went out on Facebook. I regained calm and returned. The children were put on the naughty spot and then asked to say sorry. They lost their new slippers as a consequence of their actions. We moved on. I did bath time, we watched some cartoons, we had stories, kisses and cuddles and I settled them down to sleep reminding them that they are loved.
I then sat down with a drink, to have a moment to myself and to catch up with the world and turned Facebook back on. To read that a family member had attacked me because of my earlier scream. I was livid. Angry doesn't cover it. A family member who I have very little to do, who has seen my children once but never interacted with them but to whom my youngest's outgrown clothes go to. I was attacked. Accused of shouting and swearing at my children, accused of depriving them of attention, accused of being a bad parent. In hindsight it was nice to see so many friends sticking up for me, supporting me and offering me ears to listen as well as advise as to how to clean the carpet.
Part of my thought process included finding the root cause of the bad behaviour I had been subjected to. Firstly the tiredness but secondly jealousy. Youngest was clearly jealous that over the weekend another child had been included in our plans and that I had spent time with the child - playing with, talking to and generally including. That child is the child of the family member who attacked me. I had not spent as much time one to one with my daughter so I could include that child.
I made a choice last night, close down my Facebook account, delete everything on there and never return to it. In the calm that followed today I changed my mind. Why should I loose the support of my friends and those family members who have been there for me? I reinstated my account and started a cull. I need to have a greater cull - not only friends and family but also the material I have on there. I plan to remove photos, groups - as much as I can whilst leaving me with the bits that I want, need and enjoy. It is going to take me some time but it will be worth it.
Breakfast was relatively easy. I was relieved. I took them swimming, Oldest was obviously tired and whined constantly. He was also over giddy and at times, especially in the car part, dangerously so. He was on a final warning before we even got into the water but I thought that the fun of swimming would distract him enough for us to have some fun. I was wrong. Less than 15 minutes later we were showering and I had to turn off to his tantrum. Home and I settled him into bed on the promise that if he had a sleep we would start again and do something fun. He slept. He understood. His tantrum had destroyed his ability to protest about being put to bed during the day. Smallest and I curled up together on the sofa and even she had an hour fast asleep.
On waking we started again. They helped make lunch of their choosing, we ate and made a plan. We went out and behaviours started to degrade again but distraction worked for bit and bribery (new slippers!) was the ticket. We got out and to the grandparents without incident. We had a lovely Sunday lunch and the children had chance to play. Being tired means that neither of them listen. It is incredibly frustrating.
Once we got home I thought I would be able to survive the rest of the day. I was wrong.
I left them colouring for a minute. 60 seconds. No more. I came back and there was wax crayon drawing all over the carpet and the table. I lost my ability to stay calm. Without speaking I removed the tin of crayons and went to calm down. My scream went out on Facebook. I regained calm and returned. The children were put on the naughty spot and then asked to say sorry. They lost their new slippers as a consequence of their actions. We moved on. I did bath time, we watched some cartoons, we had stories, kisses and cuddles and I settled them down to sleep reminding them that they are loved.
I then sat down with a drink, to have a moment to myself and to catch up with the world and turned Facebook back on. To read that a family member had attacked me because of my earlier scream. I was livid. Angry doesn't cover it. A family member who I have very little to do, who has seen my children once but never interacted with them but to whom my youngest's outgrown clothes go to. I was attacked. Accused of shouting and swearing at my children, accused of depriving them of attention, accused of being a bad parent. In hindsight it was nice to see so many friends sticking up for me, supporting me and offering me ears to listen as well as advise as to how to clean the carpet.
Part of my thought process included finding the root cause of the bad behaviour I had been subjected to. Firstly the tiredness but secondly jealousy. Youngest was clearly jealous that over the weekend another child had been included in our plans and that I had spent time with the child - playing with, talking to and generally including. That child is the child of the family member who attacked me. I had not spent as much time one to one with my daughter so I could include that child.
I made a choice last night, close down my Facebook account, delete everything on there and never return to it. In the calm that followed today I changed my mind. Why should I loose the support of my friends and those family members who have been there for me? I reinstated my account and started a cull. I need to have a greater cull - not only friends and family but also the material I have on there. I plan to remove photos, groups - as much as I can whilst leaving me with the bits that I want, need and enjoy. It is going to take me some time but it will be worth it.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
School Photographs
I never really thought about it before but this week we had to decline oldest from being pictured on the preschool leavers photo. When I thought about school photos I figured that the children were photographed and their parents/carers could purchase these for their own enjoyment. Class photos never really crossed my mind.
I had to decline his participation in this photo because I have no idea where it will end up. It could go on countless living room mantle pieces. It might even end up on social media sites like Facebook. It will contain identifying information such as his surname, the preschool he attends and ultimately a way to locate him. To protect the identity and location of my child his image can not be 'put out there' in that fashion. He is paramount to my choice. Yet I still feel awful. He will have no record of the children he went to preschool with, especially those going on to different primary schools. His friends of today will not see him when they look back at their class photograph. The school will not see his face in that class line up to remember. I also hate having to exclude him from the things that all his friends and peers are doing because he has a different start in life.
I hope that next year will be different. His physical appearance might have changed enough for him to be included although the remaining risk factors will remain.
I had to decline his participation in this photo because I have no idea where it will end up. It could go on countless living room mantle pieces. It might even end up on social media sites like Facebook. It will contain identifying information such as his surname, the preschool he attends and ultimately a way to locate him. To protect the identity and location of my child his image can not be 'put out there' in that fashion. He is paramount to my choice. Yet I still feel awful. He will have no record of the children he went to preschool with, especially those going on to different primary schools. His friends of today will not see him when they look back at their class photograph. The school will not see his face in that class line up to remember. I also hate having to exclude him from the things that all his friends and peers are doing because he has a different start in life.
I hope that next year will be different. His physical appearance might have changed enough for him to be included although the remaining risk factors will remain.
Contact thoughts.
We recently received another contact letter - the 2nd from this member of the children's birth family and it got me thinking. Nature vs nurture is a long argument with valid point for those sitting on both sides of the fence and I would personally like to believe that a nurturing environment has to play a major role in how children develop.
It was a lovely letter - hand written neatly, very thankful of our last letter and the artwork we included. I decided that with each letter I would send hand and feet prints from each of the children along with some of their more recent artwork. It is the only way I have of showing how the children are growing and developing. The latter is easy to achieve. They bring home mountains from preschool on a weekly basis plus they love drawing, colouring, sticking and painting so these are often things we do at home especially on rainy days when the garden isn't such a tempting distraction. The former is not difficult either, it just takes a bit of organising for example where can they wash all the paint off without covering the house. The garden and the paddling pool were perfect the first time I did these as they could paint, get covered and get washed without even entering the house!
Once a mass of paper is assembled it falls to actually writing the letter to accompany it all. I find it very hard to write to a stranger. I have never met these people and the chances are I may never meet them so trying to include things that they will find interesting or want to know as well as striking the right tone is really hard. I like to make the letters as personal as I can - information about their development, the things they enjoy and any special events.
One piece of advise the contact team give out is to ask questions in the view that it promotes 'conversation' but I have no idea what to ask.
I always print my letters. I know it is less personal that handwriting them but my hand writing is appalling and I have 3 letters to do so I do cut and paste chunks that are common across them all. I do try and use nice writing paper and envelopes - I have some pale blue with birds and butterflies, a funky orange with a book motif and some stunning Beatrix Potter paper with matching envelopes, all bought for these letters specifically. I hope it shows that I care about these letters and that I understand how much they must mean to the children's birth family.
So, I ask. What would you write about? What would you include? If you were a birth family member getting contact letters what would want to hear about? What would you like to receive?
It was a lovely letter - hand written neatly, very thankful of our last letter and the artwork we included. I decided that with each letter I would send hand and feet prints from each of the children along with some of their more recent artwork. It is the only way I have of showing how the children are growing and developing. The latter is easy to achieve. They bring home mountains from preschool on a weekly basis plus they love drawing, colouring, sticking and painting so these are often things we do at home especially on rainy days when the garden isn't such a tempting distraction. The former is not difficult either, it just takes a bit of organising for example where can they wash all the paint off without covering the house. The garden and the paddling pool were perfect the first time I did these as they could paint, get covered and get washed without even entering the house!
Once a mass of paper is assembled it falls to actually writing the letter to accompany it all. I find it very hard to write to a stranger. I have never met these people and the chances are I may never meet them so trying to include things that they will find interesting or want to know as well as striking the right tone is really hard. I like to make the letters as personal as I can - information about their development, the things they enjoy and any special events.
One piece of advise the contact team give out is to ask questions in the view that it promotes 'conversation' but I have no idea what to ask.
I always print my letters. I know it is less personal that handwriting them but my hand writing is appalling and I have 3 letters to do so I do cut and paste chunks that are common across them all. I do try and use nice writing paper and envelopes - I have some pale blue with birds and butterflies, a funky orange with a book motif and some stunning Beatrix Potter paper with matching envelopes, all bought for these letters specifically. I hope it shows that I care about these letters and that I understand how much they must mean to the children's birth family.
So, I ask. What would you write about? What would you include? If you were a birth family member getting contact letters what would want to hear about? What would you like to receive?
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Another year
I have to confess that I was rather apathetic about my birthday this year. Not a big one, nor a mile stone. In the weeks running up to it I had been struggling with life in general.
The morning of my birthday was the same as many others. My husband left for work at dawn but when I woke he had left me 2 gifts and a card on his pillow. There was obviously a lot of thought behind the gifts but sadly my husband struggled with sizing (very unusually if I am honest, he normally gets things like that right) so although I loved my gifts sadly they needed to be changed. A shower and getting ready for work later and I had no choice but to wake the smalls. Both, after a moments remembrance presented me with a carrier bag and proceeding to unwrap my presents for me so they could proudly show me the things that they had chosen for me - a box of chocolates, a lollipop with my name on it, a key ring which was also tiny Wellington boots and a frog for the garden with springs on its arms and legs. It looked like they had a massive amount of fun choosing it all. The most amazing items however were the 2 hand made cards in which the smalls had tried to write their names. I will treasure them.
My day was a normal one - breakfast, take the smalls to pre school and then go to work. I did the standard 'cakes and savouries' for the office and went about my day.
Coming home was where things changed. I picked the smalls up from after school club and we decided on fish and chips for tea - fish me, battered sausage for them and we ate them in the garden, in the sunshine. whilst we were eating my parents arrived for the weekend and brought with them cake - fairy castle cake complete with towers made from ice cream cones. It was a cake that mum made for me when I was a little girl and loved and my smalls also thought it was brilliant.
The weekend was planned to be enjoyed - Saturday was a day for me. Mum and I went shopping. I did spend most of the time sorting out things for the smalls but I also managed a couple of bits for me and the day out was lovely. Sunday was open day at a local farm. It was manic - the sun was shining and the weather was glorious so lots of other families had decided to do the same thing. There was tractor rides, sheep shows, sausage and butter making plus a variety of craft and local produce stalls as well as loads for the smalls to do.
By Sunday evening, when Andrew got home from work, I was shattered. My box of Thorntons was so inviting but I was so tired I went to bed early. Nearly a week later I can look back on what was a good way to mark another year.
The morning of my birthday was the same as many others. My husband left for work at dawn but when I woke he had left me 2 gifts and a card on his pillow. There was obviously a lot of thought behind the gifts but sadly my husband struggled with sizing (very unusually if I am honest, he normally gets things like that right) so although I loved my gifts sadly they needed to be changed. A shower and getting ready for work later and I had no choice but to wake the smalls. Both, after a moments remembrance presented me with a carrier bag and proceeding to unwrap my presents for me so they could proudly show me the things that they had chosen for me - a box of chocolates, a lollipop with my name on it, a key ring which was also tiny Wellington boots and a frog for the garden with springs on its arms and legs. It looked like they had a massive amount of fun choosing it all. The most amazing items however were the 2 hand made cards in which the smalls had tried to write their names. I will treasure them.
My day was a normal one - breakfast, take the smalls to pre school and then go to work. I did the standard 'cakes and savouries' for the office and went about my day.
Coming home was where things changed. I picked the smalls up from after school club and we decided on fish and chips for tea - fish me, battered sausage for them and we ate them in the garden, in the sunshine. whilst we were eating my parents arrived for the weekend and brought with them cake - fairy castle cake complete with towers made from ice cream cones. It was a cake that mum made for me when I was a little girl and loved and my smalls also thought it was brilliant.
The weekend was planned to be enjoyed - Saturday was a day for me. Mum and I went shopping. I did spend most of the time sorting out things for the smalls but I also managed a couple of bits for me and the day out was lovely. Sunday was open day at a local farm. It was manic - the sun was shining and the weather was glorious so lots of other families had decided to do the same thing. There was tractor rides, sheep shows, sausage and butter making plus a variety of craft and local produce stalls as well as loads for the smalls to do.
By Sunday evening, when Andrew got home from work, I was shattered. My box of Thorntons was so inviting but I was so tired I went to bed early. Nearly a week later I can look back on what was a good way to mark another year.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Counting those blessings
The
last few weeks I have been feeling pretty rubbish. I have been letting things
get on top of me and I was losing the fun a lot. Almost completely. This is my selfish moment to moan. To write it
all down and to get it off my chest, I can then pick myself up, brush myself
off and get on with enjoying the life that I have been blessed with.
My
children are children. Normal children. They don’t always listen. They don’t
always eat nicely. They shout at me. I shout at them. They don’t always place
nicely. They have tantrums. They throw toys, break things and mess about. They
are jealous of each other and they both want to be 100% the focus of all
attention, all the time. There is only 1 of me.
My
marriage isn’t perfect, Andrew and I don’t always see eye to eye and I am good
at sulking which means we don’t talk. We are both stubborn and have the
capacity to be pig headed. We both avoid doing things in the hope that the
other person will.
Working
full time with 2 children to look after is exhausting. I feel like I spend my
week chasing round making sure they are in preschool at the right time, that I
am at work on time and that I collect them on time and from the right place. I
struggle with being late, I get really anxious about it and this is really
wearing me down. I always try and start each day fresh but when sleep is
lacking it is hard.
I
am a human being and I get jealous. Since 2014 dawned there have been 7 or 8
births around us and I am jealous. I love my children and I wouldn’t change
them or they way they entered my world but I wanted a birth child and I doubt
that will ever leave me. Finding out that I have a genetic mutation has nailed
that coffin lid firmly shut and the hammering reminded me.
But.
My
children are children. Normal children. We are not experiencing much different to
other parents providing we stick to our routine. Outside of t his comfort zone
we only have ourselves to blame.
Andrew does support me. He helps around the
house and the garden and he will do the shopping when I am work and he is not. He
does what he can, when he can and makes a valid point that he is not a mind
reader – if I don’t tell him then he doesn’t know.
I
have a job. A reasonably paid job with a flexible team leader who has supported
me and doesn’t make a big deal when I am 5 minutes late and end up cutting
short my lunch to cover it.
I
am healthy, ok I am over weight and loosing it would do me no harm but I am
healthy. I can play football with my children, I can chase them, pick them up,
cuddle them and tickle them. I have a genetic mutation but it will not kill me.
At least, not in the foreseeable future.
I have a lot to look forward to. We have plans to go places, to see things and visit people. My little boy is going to 5 in a couple of months and we are working towards a party for him. He will then start school. Before that I have my own birthday to look forward to.
I need to count the blessings that I have and try to work round everything else. Insanity is not an option. Today.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Support Network
Something
that was stressed a great deal during out preparation and assessment for
becoming adopters was our support network. Who was it? Where was it? Could we
access it easily? The social workers were not wrong and I have needed my
support network more than I could have imagined.
Take
this week for example.
Nanny
had oldest as he was too poorly to go to school. I felt terrible as I thought I
should be taking the day off work to look after him but if I did this every
time I would have no annual leave left and it would mean more child care
arrangements during the school holidays. She also, kindly, took him to the
doctors for me for the same reason and at the time I was really uncomfortable
about it. I am not even sure why. There were no problems; he was safe, well
cared for and happy. He did have a moment when I left him but that is not
unusual and I put it down to the change in his usually routine.
Next
the weekend. Separating the children for things is something that we are trying
to do more and more – we have found that smallest gets her chance to shine as she
is no long overshadowed by an older brother who answers to her and tries to her
help all time as well as sometimes acts like the parent in telling her off and
shouting at her – things we are trying to discourage. We also want to give
oldest a chance to do the things that he is old enough to do – sometimes things
that she is still a bit too little for.
This
weekend was the first time we really tried this for any length of time. On
Saturday I went for a girlie day out and took smallest with me – we did some
shopping, had lunch out and generally had a lovely day. She was beautifully
behaved and enjoyed herself and the attention. This day allowed my boys some
time. They did some food shopping but it allowed oldest to get into some
cooking and baking (both things that he really enjoys). When I got home he had
enjoyed his day but he was angry with me for leaving him behind. His behaviour
showed it.
Sunday
we tried again – this time I was on my own so reliant upon the grace of Nanny
(again). I would never have managed on Sunday without Nanny who supported me
taking them swimming and allowed me to focus on oldest a little more. The
afternoon was smallest at Nanny’s (there was make up involved) whilst I took
oldest to a birthday party with his friends. I know that is not quality one to
one time and I know that I need to spend some with him but it was nice to see
him enjoying himself with his peers and being well behaved at the same time. I
also made a massive fuss as he coped really well when he didn’t get a turn at
pass the parcel – something that caused a major meltdown only 12 weeks ago. I
was also very proud of the way he is able to sit and eat nicely. It is
sometimes hard to see how good the good bits are until you have a direct
comparison. My son eats just about anything and does well with cutlery. I am
proud of him for that.
Next
weekend the children get to visit the other side of the family – mine. I find
it much easier to ask my parents and sister for help. Maybe because they are my family and I know them
better – my husband says the same, that it is easier for him to ask his parents
for help. That being said I did another talk for a prepare to adopt course and
it was one of the points that I really tried to hammer home. A good support
network is essential. I would have really struggled without mine.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
1500 Kids and Counting
I
have been watching this series on channel 4 with interest; it shows much of
what we saw during our journey through the adoption system but also some
insights into the ‘other side’ of it all.
The
focus upon the birth families left me really divided. For one lady my heart
broke. It felt like she had tried so hard to get her son back, to do everything
that social services asked of her and still her son went for adoption. The
other family, the gentleman (I use the term loosely) spent so much time
shouting, swearing and generally being unpleasant to the social workers that I
had no sympathy for him, only for his partner who seemed resigned to accept the
situation. The third family shown really highlighted the problems faced when
the NHS and social services don’t work together – something that happens more
often that I think is realised.
Episode
2
I
enjoyed hearing the perspectives of the social workers involved, I sometimes
forget how much they invest in the children they are responsible for and just
how much they care. Seeing the social worker’s desperation to find loving homes
for the children she was responsible for and then her elation when adopters
came forward was really moving.
I
was also pleased to see how the foster carers were portrayed as they also
invest huge amounts of time, energy and love in the children in their care not
only taking them in when are they incredible vulnerable but also in the
preparation for the live ahead of them. We were lucky in the foster carers who
prepared our children (something I have discussed before) but I have heard of
cases where this has not been the case.
Episode
3
The
focus turned to the transition between the foster carer and the adoptive
placement and this was the bit that I could relate to most – it wasn’t forever
ago that I lived it. I remember all too clearly walking into a stranger’s house
to meet to tiny, frightened children who had no idea what was going around
them. I remember feeling terrified that they wouldn’t like me that we wouldn’t
bond, that everything would fall apart. The excitement was also very real.
Watching the excitement from the children and their new parents were fabulous
but the foster carer’s sadness was also apparent as their charges moved onto
their futures.
School Places
I
am over the moon at the moment as we have received confirmation that we have a place
for our oldest at the primary school of our choice – it is such a relief. We
had investigated all of the schools local to us – we talked to other parents,
looked at website, visited the buildings and talked to the staff and made the
choice on what we thought was best.
- Single year group
classes.
Lots of the schools around us are smaller
village schools and the majority run mixed year group classes (some freely
admit that the mix the children based on ability so the brighter younger
children are in with the older children that need some catching up). This
terrified me as there will not be a school year between our children and I
would hate for them to be in the same class as each other.
- Location
We have chosen the school closest to us.
Great for practicalities like the school run, not so much so when you consider
the location of the pre school but we figured it was only for a year.
- Some of his friends
from pre school will go with him
We know that the transition will be traumatic
for him, we expect it to take him a lot longer than his peers to settle but we
are hoping his friends being with him will be helpful
- The facilities
It felt like a lot of the schools were very
similar – nice bright classrooms covered in art work and learning aids, tables
and chairs, playgrounds of both grass and concrete, a hall. None of the local
schools have a kitchen onsite for school meals so no matter where he attends these will be shipped
in.
The
most important thing for us was his choice. We tried to keep him included and
he came to every visit. He had a brilliant reaction to the school he will
attend and the Head. There was a school which he had an extreme negative
reaction to which we also took into account.
I
am hoping that he has a positive experience of school, fingers crossed that he
remembers his first few days as happy ones.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Peace and Quiet (code name Operation Grandma's sleepover).
It
is the middle of the Easter holidays and another first for us.
We
are at home and our children are at Grandma’s house. We went visiting to
celebrate their wedding anniversary – a whole 35 years! I am so impressed.
Anyway, they offered to look after the children for a couple of nights to help
us cover the Easter break from preschool and because they love spending the
time with them. What is means for me is that I have 2 days of work when Andrew
is at work where I don’t have to worry about getting the children ready to be
anywhere. I just have to sort myself out and get myself to work and in the
evenings I just have to look after me. What I also have is a day to myself whilst
Andrew is at work and I have a plan.
Cleaning.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Forwards and Backwards
With the start of the Easter holidays and a long awaited and needed break from school upon us we have so much planned.
Looking back to my second attempt at Mothers Day I have to confess that it was a bit of a let down. My husband worked a 12 hour shift so I did as any other Sunday, took the children swimming with this grandparents. We had brunch at a nearby supermarket afterwards and the afternoon was spent enjoying the sunshine in the garden. I then cooked tea, played some more, did bath time and my husband arrived home in time for story time and bed time. The only difference was the little pile of cards that the children had made along with a lovely key ring that oldest has made at preschool plus some face cream. Might not be overly glamorous but well needed and gratefully received.
Today, another Sunday, has ben much the same but the cooler and windy weather has meant more inside play and The Little Mermid on DVD. I am really looking forward to tomorrow - the only day over the next 2 weeks that I have booked off especially to spend with them and I have plans to meet a friend and do something - what we do will depend on the weather as we hoped for a day on the farm and some sunshine but we shall wait and see what the morning brings.
I am also really looking forward to visiting my parents next weekend - we are going to try again at letting the children sleep there on their own plus the Easter Weekend itself as we have a couple of fun days booked with various friends - something I always appreciate.
On another note I have been asked to offer support, advise and comfort to other potential adopters by friends as well as our social worker. I am happy to try and help, as much as I can: I just hope that I can.
Looking back to my second attempt at Mothers Day I have to confess that it was a bit of a let down. My husband worked a 12 hour shift so I did as any other Sunday, took the children swimming with this grandparents. We had brunch at a nearby supermarket afterwards and the afternoon was spent enjoying the sunshine in the garden. I then cooked tea, played some more, did bath time and my husband arrived home in time for story time and bed time. The only difference was the little pile of cards that the children had made along with a lovely key ring that oldest has made at preschool plus some face cream. Might not be overly glamorous but well needed and gratefully received.
Today, another Sunday, has ben much the same but the cooler and windy weather has meant more inside play and The Little Mermid on DVD. I am really looking forward to tomorrow - the only day over the next 2 weeks that I have booked off especially to spend with them and I have plans to meet a friend and do something - what we do will depend on the weather as we hoped for a day on the farm and some sunshine but we shall wait and see what the morning brings.
I am also really looking forward to visiting my parents next weekend - we are going to try again at letting the children sleep there on their own plus the Easter Weekend itself as we have a couple of fun days booked with various friends - something I always appreciate.
On another note I have been asked to offer support, advise and comfort to other potential adopters by friends as well as our social worker. I am happy to try and help, as much as I can: I just hope that I can.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Keep your fingers off it, leave it alone
You know it doesn't belong to you.
The
last week has seen 2 incidents;
I
am so scared that one day he will touch something and cause himself serious
harm which means that we surely can’t leave him unsupervised at all – not going
to the toilet, not playing in his bedroom or playing in the garden. But, if we
do this we are giving him what he craves, undivided attention all of the time.
It means youngest looses out when both children are with just the one of us. Plus
what implication does that have for her safety.
It
is hard and the image in my head is of him stood, in his pyjamas, showing me
his bright blue hands and saying ‘I didn’t touch anything’
I
feel like a broken record at the moment and this is all I seem to be saying to
oldest. He is forever touching - he touches everything he can when we go
shopping, if there is something different on the side he has to pick it up and
he does the same when we are at other people’s houses.
1) A razor! He went into
a bathroom he was told not to, he had a climb and found a razor. He cut his
hand with it. Cue many tears, lots of tissues and a plaster plus a stern
talking to about touching things that aren’t his in rooms that he has been
asked not to go into.
2) Last Sunday morning he
went to the toilet at a friend’s house. When he was longer than expected I went
to check on him to find his hands covered in blue. After my immediate panic I
worked out from the smell that it was blue nail varnish. A glance around the
bathroom brought into reality that not only was it over all his hands but also
the floor, a white wicker drawer set and the sink. A bottle of remover later
and the worst of the damage was gone but there had to be a consequence so we
left after making him apologise.
We
have made a real effort to make our environment as safe as possible – the
garden is secure and no tools can be reached, everything medicinal is out of
sight and out of reach, we have the stair gate for the top of the stairs,
scissors are kept away, the kitchen cupboards and drawers all have child locks,
the cleaning chemicals are locked away but we wouldn’t and can’t expect this
when we are visiting so what do we do? Keep him supervised? If we do that we
never give him chance to earn our trust. But in the meantime I am terrified of
what he might get his hands on.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
In whose best interests?
I
keep asking myself this especially when we have a decision to make. The one
that we have on the table is one that we discussed some time ago, we had
decided and that choice had been taken from us due to circumstances out of control
but things have changed and the option has returned.
Do
we meet the children’s birth mum?
We
had always said that we would. I feel strongly that it gives me the opportunity
to say to the children, when they are older and when they ask, that we did make
the effort to meet her, that she wasn’t a bad person and that she did love
them.
When
we originally discussed this we were very open to it however the children’s
social worker felt that it was not appropriate as their birth mum was not
accepting of their adoption, her attendance record was poor and her behaviour
was angry and aggressive. This seems to have changed and she is still asking to
meet us. Honestly, I can’t blame her for being angry, I would think that had
the situation been reversed I would have been angry but I would like to think
that I would have turned up for every meeting and every contact session.
I
have to confess that I am curious to meet her but I am conscious of how hard it
might be for her – professionals deemed her to be unfit to care for her
children and those children were given to me by those same professionals. I
don’t feel like I am in any way ‘better’ than her – I believe that she has been
incredibly unlucky in her background, the people surrounding her and the choices
that she has made but that does not make a bad person.
At
the moment we have agreed to open discussions , we have to wait for the social
workers involved to talk to all and decide whether to facilitate a meeting,
After that we have to be prepared but the hope is for sooner rather than later.
Year 2 - Birthdays again.
Last
week it was smallest birthday – a whole 3 years old and what a different day to
12 months ago.
This was the post:http://anewroad-vicfish.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/celebrations.html
This
year the weather was glorious, she was not poorly, she bounded into our bedroom, climbed into bed
and helped herself to the duvet. She knew it was her birthday, that they day
would be about her and she was giddy. Everything was different. She was
laughing and ripping into her presents rather than watching wide eyed and
relying on constant positive encouragement. She was over the moon with her Hulk
outfit and her Harry Potter outfit. She was straight on her big girl bike with
her helmet on. Her dolly was unboxed, undressed and fed immediately.
The
weather was so lovely that we spent most of the day outside. She learnt to
peddle and steer her bike and blew thousands of bubbles with her new bubble
machine. Sadly at no point during the day did her new jigsaws come out of their
boxes but there is always time for that. I am also glad that we blew up some
balloons as they are always a great source of amusement and fun. Plus, what is
a party if there are no balloons.
Lunch
was the ‘party time’. We had considered a proper party but she still feels too
little for something too formal and the likes of parties at soft play centres
would be wasted as she is still not quite big enough to get everything out of
them. We decided to go for a party at home with family instead and so lunch was
lots of the foods that she enjoys – pasta, crisps, dips, spring rolls, chicken
satay, popcorn and breadsticks plus a few bits for the grownups!
Her cake was a Grandma special – a tiger face and it was amazing! My mum has a book of cakes which I remember when I was a little girl and it is full of fabulous cakes from the tiger to all the numbers, other animals, houses, sports themed cakes a train and a princess castle. Next year I think we aim for the princess castle!
I
have to spare a thought for oldest. Her birthday was incredibly hard for him,
He still really struggles when he is not sharing the attention (and has a
preference for being the centre of it) and he desperately wanted presents for
himself. Youngest tried really hard to share everything with him but it was not
always possible (The Hulk outfit being a key one as it was far too small for
him to borrow). He was such a good boy, we each tried to take a moment to give
him some time and he was also given a spiderman model during the day and, at
bed time, to celebrate his achievement he was given an ice hockey bear. The
bear promptly replaced his usual bed time cuddle and has remained there ever
since. We reminded him that it would be his birthday soon and that we would get
the presents, the party, and the cake – he just has to be patient.
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