A Cull

Yesterday was a terrible day. It didn't start well and it just spiralled out of all control.

Breakfast was relatively easy. I was relieved. I took them swimming, Oldest was obviously tired and whined constantly. He was also over giddy and at times, especially in the car part, dangerously so. He was on a final warning before we even got into the water but I thought that the fun of swimming would distract him enough for us to have some fun. I was wrong. Less than 15 minutes later we were showering and I had to turn off to his tantrum. Home and I settled him into bed on the promise that if he had a sleep we would start again and do something fun. He slept. He understood. His tantrum had destroyed his ability to protest about being put to bed during the day. Smallest and I curled up together on the sofa and even she had an hour fast asleep.

On waking we started again. They helped make lunch of their choosing, we ate and made a plan. We went out and behaviours started to degrade again but distraction worked for bit and bribery (new slippers!) was the ticket. We got out and to the grandparents without incident. We had a lovely Sunday lunch and the children had chance to play. Being tired means that neither of them listen. It is incredibly frustrating.

Once we got home I thought I would be able to survive the rest of the day. I was wrong.

I left them colouring for a minute. 60 seconds. No more. I came back and there was wax crayon drawing all over the carpet and the table. I lost my ability to stay calm. Without speaking I removed the tin of crayons and went to calm down. My scream went out on Facebook. I regained calm and returned. The children were put on the naughty spot and then asked to say sorry. They lost their new slippers as a consequence of their actions. We moved on. I did bath time, we watched some cartoons, we had stories, kisses and cuddles and I settled them down to sleep reminding them that they are loved.

I then sat down with a drink, to have a moment to myself and to catch up with the world and turned Facebook back on. To read that a family member had attacked me because of my earlier scream. I was livid. Angry doesn't cover it. A family member who I have very little to do, who has seen my children once but never interacted with them but to whom my youngest's outgrown clothes go to.  I was attacked. Accused of shouting and swearing at my children, accused of depriving them of attention, accused of being a bad parent. In hindsight it was nice to see so many friends sticking up for me, supporting me and offering me ears to listen as well as advise as to how to clean the carpet.

Part of my thought process included finding the root cause of the bad behaviour I had been subjected to. Firstly the tiredness but secondly jealousy. Youngest was clearly jealous that over the weekend another child had been included in our plans and that I had spent time with the child - playing with, talking to and generally including. That child is the child of the family member who attacked me. I had not spent as much time one to one with my daughter so I could include that child.

I made a choice last night, close down my Facebook account, delete everything on there and never return to it. In the calm that followed today I changed my mind. Why should I loose the support of my friends and those family members who have been there for me? I reinstated my account and started a cull. I need to have a greater cull - not only friends and family but also the material I have on there. I plan to remove photos, groups - as much as I can whilst leaving me with the bits that I want, need and enjoy. It is going to take me some time but it will be worth it.