Explaining

How do I explain to a 3 and a half year old that this is his home, that we are his family and that, no matter what he does, we will not let him go?

Today our oldest has exhibited some 'challenging behaviour'. I think that is a serious understatement. We have had screaming, throwing self on the floor with the accompanying kicking and arm waving for no other reason than because he didn't like what he was being asked not to do - in the shop it was touching everything he could reach. My reaction was calm, as calm as possible whilst removing the situation.

After the last one of the day at home we sat down for a talk. It breaks my heart when he says that he is not staying here. He can't put into words where he thinks he is going or why but, based on the reading, the research and everything we have been told about children placed for adoption he is displaying the classic signs that he is challenging us to keep him - to prove to him that he is loved, he is wanted and that he is going nowhere. We try and tell him we love him as much as possible, we try and reassure him that the things around him are his - silly things like the laundry basket, the toilet, the bath as well his bed, the things in his wardrobe and all his toys and

I suppose my cloud has a silver lining. He does not bite. He does not hit and kick at me, my husband or his sister. He does not spit and he seems to have stopped his destructive behaviour. He is a good boy, he has lovely manners when he wants to and he is such a lovely child when he plays with his sister and other children. I also have more good days with him than bad days and today he choose to go to bed early so I am hoping that he realises that so much of his challenging behaviour is because he is tired and over or good night kiss we promised each other a better day tomorrow.

My challenge it help him believe that he is our son and that he is going nowhere.

The next giant leap forward.

We have another step to take on our road soon, a legal step. The one that starts the wheels in motion for a court date at which we can ask for the children to become legally ours and for them to take our surname.

We had to wait for 10 weeks after the placement date - 10 weeks which was up as of Friday. Those 10 weeks have flown past me at such an amazing speed that when I realised the 10 weeks was up I was really surprised.

So far I have completed as much of the paperwork as I can, I am waiting for our social worker to provide some bits and pieces and then I can have a ceremonial posting - something that I really want the children to be involved in. They have already seen the paperwork and asked what it is and why I was filling it in - it brought a tear to my eye to be able to say to them that these were the papers which asked a judge to let us keep them with us forever. How much they understand I am not sure but we are trying to reassure them, especially the older, that this is their forever home and that we are their forever parents - we will not let them go.

We are expecting a wait of up to 3 months from submitting the paperwork to getting a court date which feels like forever but I am sure it will come round quickly (based on how quickly the last 10 weeks have gone!)

Mother's Day

Now that the dust has settled I want to record my first Mother's Day. It has been the first time in some years that the day was not one of sadness and tears for me although there were tears, they were happy ones.

Andrew did himself proud. He made sure that I had a card from him as well as one from the children plus all the cards that they had made at pre-school and toddler group. He also bought me flowers, wine, chocolate and made sure that for one day I didn't have to do any cooking or housework -  it was my day to enjoy with our children and it was wonderful. I appreciated every second as well as the numerous messages from other family and friends recognising what was a very special day for me.

The morning began with our smallest being up and out of bed early but more than happy to climb in bed with me for cuddles and giggles (despite the bronchitis) - her smile brings warmth to my heart and her giggle is so infectious I have to join in. When the oldest awoke he also came to join us for cuddles and (with a little promting) he wished me a happy Mother's Day. We had made no plans for the day and spent a very relaxing day - it worked well and we ended up doing not all that much but it gave us plenty of time to play.

I did take a moment, on that Sunday, to have a thought for all those who are waiting for their first Mother's Day. Those ladies struggling with infertility, miscarriage or travelling the long road to adoption - they are all mummies-in-waiting and I hope that they will all have their day, no matter how long they have to wait, they will have their day. 

Celebrations

We have survived the first birthday of one of our children and whilst there is cake everyone, bit of wrapping paper all over and new toys scattered about it has been a wonderful day.

We did our best not to go crackers - we set a firm budget for presents and tried to keep the oldest involved in choosing a gift to give as well as making a birthday card and ensuring that there was something for him on the day, unwrapped, but for him with a promise of special time just for him.

We also made the decision to do something as a family day out and we choose a local zoo, one that the children are familiar with from visits with their foster carers. We had to do this one the day before as my husband was working on the morning of the actual day which meant a second plan for the actual day. Sadly this turned into nothing more than a plan, smallest has been poorly again and with the weather rubbish it turned into a day at home and a trip to the doctors instead. I am hoping we can re-visit for a nicer day.

It turned into a calm morning, my husband was at work so we played some and generally didn't go bananas. For the afternoon we decided to go with the old fashioned tea party with the grandparents included, a welcome addition was their cousin. I went with general party food and a cake!

Everything seemed to go well and a little bit of me wonders if less presents and more balloons would have been better as that was what got played with the most. After the chaos we went for the calm and they are now sleeping peacefully.

Sleeping somewhere else

This weekend saw another first. I took the children away for the weekend.

On my own. For the night.

I am not sure if I was being brave or just pushing my luck but in the end I have to conclude that it was a huge success. They are coping well in the car, the managed admirably with all the 'new' that they were faced with and they really showed how amazing they are.

My biggest concern was sleeping - we were all sharing a room and they both had new 'anti roll out' airbeds and sleeping bags and although I took as much familiar as I could from pjs and dressing gowns to pillows, toys and comforters it was still a risk that they would not sleep. I was also concerned that in sharing a room they would keep each other awake. I was worrying for nothing.

I made sure the beds were made so they could be tried out a lot earlier in the day and then kept their routine identical to when we are home. It worked a treat! They loved their special beds and slept reasonably well, all things considering. The person who didn't sleep was me! I couldn't bock out the snoring, snuffling, dummy noises nor the squeaking when they wriggled. Added to the driving and I was exhausted.

My last challenge of the weekend was to see what happened if they travelled ready for bed and then were put straight to bed when I arrived home, after hopefully sleeping in the car. It worked as well as I could have hoped - everything was a little bit earlier and I got home only half an hour after what should have been bed time and with only a minimal amount of fuss they were in bed, back asleep and happy as normal when they got up in the morning.

The next exciting event is smallest's birthday.