What not to say.

I have had a fabulous weekend which included a coffee (well, a coke for me) with one of the ladies I met on our adoption preparation course. It was nice to be able to talk to some one who is walking the same pathway and to realise that we are going through the same range of emotions, fears, worries and excitements.

It also got me thinking about all the things that have been said or could be said to people adopting. Some of these are silly, some from ignorance and many are meant in the nicest of ways however some can be downright hurtful.

So, some of the things that have been said to us which you might want to consider as 'not to say':

• You are very brave. Why? What is so brave about having a family? Do you tell pregnant ladies that they are brave? I made a choice. I want a family. There is nothing brave about that.
• I couldn’t do what you are doing. How do you know? Ever been in my shoes? No, so how do you know what you could or couldn’t do. This one always seems to hurt more when it is said by people with birth children as they often have no real appreciation of the struggle most potential adoptive parents have faced.  
• I couldn’t raise some one else’s children. They will not be someone else’s children. They will be my children.
• By Christmas (or any given point in the future) you will have your family/ be buying children’s presents etc. That is one amazing crystal ball you have, is it always accurate?
• What will you do if they have awful names? Deal with it. They are children, not dogs, and we can't just change their names because we don't like them.
• Have you considered IVF/surrogacy? Why is that any of your business? We are educated adults who have looked into all the options and this is the one we have chosen, we don't need you telling us about options we have already discussed and possibly even tried.
• Will they look like you? We will not be biologically related. Why would they look like us?

And finally

• You’ll be pregnant 6 months after they move in. REALLY! Because if I could have gotten pregnant I wouldn’t have done it before I applied to adopt. Because I have not had to go onto a form on contraception as part of the application process. Because this is such a common occurrence – that couple in the paper are just the tip of the iceberg. It is not a common occurrence and quite frankly this has come from a couple of people very close to me and it infuriates me. I know there are some people who choose adoption as a first choice but for many adoption is the answer after years of fertility treatment. Adopting does not cure infertility.

 I am sure that there are plenty more but you have to remember like all prospective parents those waiting to adopt, no matter at what stage or assessment or approval, are excited that there dreams might one day come true.

I have said it before and I will say it again, it is great that you care enough to ask about it, to talk to me about it and to want to share in my journey but just have a thought before you speak that what you are saying is actually positive and helpful. There is already enough negativity surrounding adoption and it doesn't need those closest to add add to it.

A weekend away.

This last week has seen a very grumpy me. A very tired, very grumpy and easily irritated me. I don’t even know why. And I don’t like than me. I decided to help a friend out but also to take some me time but attending the English Heritage Festival of History at Kelmarsh Hall and I decided to go on my own. It was all a little bit different as I was not attending with my usual group, instead I was helping out another group which meant slightly different costume and the removal of all responsibility.

During last week in the run up I felt guilty about going on my own and leaving my husband behind but then I reminded myself that one the great strengths of our relationship is our ability to spend time separately and still to come home to each other at the end of the day and enjoy being together. I want to think that I will not the chance again for a long time but I think I might. He helped me to pack, he helped me to load the car, he wished me well and he promised to do some work around the house and garden which did alleviate my guilt as usually I spent half a day at the weekend cleaning.

I decided not to pack any sewing or anything that ‘needs’ to be done. Instead I made sure my kindle was fully charged and I had a puzzle book and a working pen. I also made sure I had a blanket that I could spread on the grass if all I wanted to do was sleep in the sunshine. Well that was my dream. The torrential rain ended that as by Saturday morning the campsite was a swamp in the nice bits, a standing pudding is the not so nice bits and there was effectively a small river running though the middle. No fun for those who tents were in the way, which mine luckily, was not. The event was cancelled and people started going home. I was home by lunchtime on Saturday and my weekend was turned on its head.

It gave me more time to think. I challenged myself to decide what was making me so grumpy and irritable. It was hard to come to a conclusion and to lay it at the feet of one single thing. I think a lot of it surrounds the number of people around me expecting babies and although I am happy for them I don’t seem to be able to quell that jealousy that wishes it could have been me. I see people having families and I want that. I see time moving forwards and life changing dramatically and I am sat still, nothing has changed and I have no idea if or when it might. We have had confirmation that we will not be able to go before the approval panel in August however the next one is just 3 weeks later. It sounds like a long time and I can imagine it might be when we get there but I have to get on with being busy and hopefully it will be with me before I realise it.

Feeding the ducks

Not too long past I spent the weekend camping next the edge of a beautiful river and as part of the fun some friends and I went to feed the ducks. It was great fun to stand on the river bank throwing bread for them and it got me thinking of the little things that I want to do when our family comes home. I decided to make myself a list to look at for hard days when my patience is wearing thin - days like today when I found out that 2 reference letters were missing, that our adoption agency has not paid for our medical reports so they are still at the doctors (after they told me they were missing) and that out approval panel might be put back by 3 weeks.

So my little things:
- bed time stories. I want to read my children 'The Tiger that Came for Tea', 'The Hungry Caterpillar' and all the other books I loved as a child
- hand print painting, I want pictures stuck on the fridge, hopefully so many the magnets can barely manage and it is a struggle to open the fridge door
- bath time with more bubbles than can fit in the bath, making 'spikey normans' out of hair and stopping only when there is more water on the bathroom floor than in the bath
- I want to stand on Lego/play mobile/barbies and complain my foot hurts
- bake cakes and get the mixture everywhere except in the oven

But more than anything else right now I want to take our children to feed those ducks.