A weekend away.

This last week has seen a very grumpy me. A very tired, very grumpy and easily irritated me. I don’t even know why. And I don’t like than me. I decided to help a friend out but also to take some me time but attending the English Heritage Festival of History at Kelmarsh Hall and I decided to go on my own. It was all a little bit different as I was not attending with my usual group, instead I was helping out another group which meant slightly different costume and the removal of all responsibility.

During last week in the run up I felt guilty about going on my own and leaving my husband behind but then I reminded myself that one the great strengths of our relationship is our ability to spend time separately and still to come home to each other at the end of the day and enjoy being together. I want to think that I will not the chance again for a long time but I think I might. He helped me to pack, he helped me to load the car, he wished me well and he promised to do some work around the house and garden which did alleviate my guilt as usually I spent half a day at the weekend cleaning.

I decided not to pack any sewing or anything that ‘needs’ to be done. Instead I made sure my kindle was fully charged and I had a puzzle book and a working pen. I also made sure I had a blanket that I could spread on the grass if all I wanted to do was sleep in the sunshine. Well that was my dream. The torrential rain ended that as by Saturday morning the campsite was a swamp in the nice bits, a standing pudding is the not so nice bits and there was effectively a small river running though the middle. No fun for those who tents were in the way, which mine luckily, was not. The event was cancelled and people started going home. I was home by lunchtime on Saturday and my weekend was turned on its head.

It gave me more time to think. I challenged myself to decide what was making me so grumpy and irritable. It was hard to come to a conclusion and to lay it at the feet of one single thing. I think a lot of it surrounds the number of people around me expecting babies and although I am happy for them I don’t seem to be able to quell that jealousy that wishes it could have been me. I see people having families and I want that. I see time moving forwards and life changing dramatically and I am sat still, nothing has changed and I have no idea if or when it might. We have had confirmation that we will not be able to go before the approval panel in August however the next one is just 3 weeks later. It sounds like a long time and I can imagine it might be when we get there but I have to get on with being busy and hopefully it will be with me before I realise it.