I have had a fabulous weekend which included a coffee (well, a coke for me) with one of the ladies I met on our adoption preparation course. It was nice to be able to talk to some one who is walking the same pathway and to realise that we are going through the same range of emotions, fears, worries and excitements.
It also got me thinking about all the things that have been said or could be said to people adopting. Some of these are silly, some from ignorance and many are meant in the nicest of ways however some can be downright hurtful.
So, some of the things that have been said to us which you might want to consider as 'not to say':
- You are very brave. Why? What is so brave about having a family? Do you tell pregnant ladies that they are brave? I made a choice. I want a family. There is nothing brave about that.
- I couldn’t do what you are doing. How do you know? Ever been in my shoes? No, so how do you know what you could or couldn’t do. This one always seems to hurt more when it is said by people with birth children as they often have no real appreciation of the struggle most potential adoptive parents have faced.
- I couldn’t raise some one else’s children. They will not be someone else’s children. They will be my children.
- By Christmas (or any given point in the future) you will have your family/ be buying children’s presents etc. That is one amazing crystal ball you have, is it always accurate?
- What will you do if they have awful names? Deal with it. They are children, not dogs, and we can't just change their names because we don't like them.
- Have you considered IVF/surrogacy? Why is that any of your business? We are educated adults who have looked into all the options and this is the one we have chosen, we don't need you telling us about options we have already discussed and possibly even tried.
- Will they look like you? We will not be biologically related. Why would they look like us?
And finally
- You’ll be pregnant 6 months after they move in. REALLY! Because if I could have gotten pregnant I wouldn’t have done it before I applied to adopt. Because I have not had to go onto a form on contraception as part of the application process. Because this is such a common occurrence – that couple in the paper are just the tip of the iceberg. It is not a common occurrence and quite frankly this has come from a couple of people very close to me and it infuriates me. I know there are some people who choose adoption as a first choice but for many adoption is the answer after years of fertility treatment. Adopting does not cure infertility.
I am sure that there are plenty more but you have to remember like all prospective parents those waiting to adopt, no matter at what stage or assessment or approval, are excited that there dreams might one day come true.
I have said it before and I will say it again, it is great that you care enough to ask about it, to talk to me about it and to want to share in my journey but just have a thought before you speak that what you are saying is actually positive and helpful. There is already enough negativity surrounding adoption and it doesn't need those closest to add add to it.
Huge hugs, having Joseph at 27 weeks taught me that foot in mouth syndrome is an epidemic. Most worrying.
ReplyDeletegreat post
My mum didn't want me to adopt (she didn't say so, but she didn't have anything to do with the process and I could tell there was something she didn't like about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm currently having the opposite problem though. Everyone around me tells me that my daughter's behaviour is completely normal for a toddler and seems to think I've never seen a toddler having a tantrum before. She does have some days where her behaviour is good for a toddler, usually when we have company, but she does not act like a child who's secure in their home and this can display itself in very difficult ways that most people do not see, and do not understand. I don't really talk to anyone, including family, about a lot of the difficulties she's having at the moment, just because I got completely fed up of being patronised.
I've no doubt that most people's children do, at some point, do most of the things my daughter does, but they don't do it as much, or as often, or all at the same time. People seem unable to accept that she won't just fall into our family and be exactly like a child we'd had with us from birth within a couple of months. She's doing really well in a lot of ways, and the improvement in behaviour and attachment over the last two months has been vast, but it doesn't change the fact that she's got some problems, she is often quite unhappy, confused and very frustrated, she clearly doesn't understand why everything's changed, her behaviour can be quite challenging at times, and although I do think we'll get there in the end because she's so very good natured underneath all the hurt and upset, it'll probably take months or years for these to fully work themselves out.
I wouldn't change anything, I love her to bits and she's a wonderful little girl in so many ways, we've been very lucky to have an adopted child who's young, healthy, cheeky, lovable and very loving. She's developing very well and appears to be significantly ahead of where she should be in terms of speach and understanding, which is wonderful. But she's behaving in a completely predictable way for a child - baby really, she was only 18 months at placement - who's had everything and everyone they know and rely on removed from them with no warning, and she's too young to understand, so we do have tough days.
Also, people telling me now I've stopped trying I'll probably fall pregnant is so bloody annoying even now. My infertility is not caused by stress, my miscarriages weren't caused by stress, they're caused by medical problems; my body does not function as it should do. Everyone seems to know someone who tried for ages and then suddenly fell pregnant when they stopped trying. That person is not the norm. When you've tried to have a family for 8 years and had multiple lots of fertility treatment, there is a medical reason things do not work, and adopting and/or stopping trying to conceive isn't going to magically fix that.
People mean well, but don't really think through what they're saying. Keep in touch with your adoption prep group if you can. We were lucky enough to have several second time adopters in our group and the support we've had from them has been incredible.
Hope you get your family soon, must be close to going to panel now? It really is worth the wait. As long as you get the right child for you, even with all the associated problems it can bring, you won't look back. People might not understand, but don't worry about it, although you miss out on so much of your children's lives, once they start to come to you as mummy and daddy it's such a fantastic feeling; you really earned your children's love and trust, it's not just an accident of birth.