This weekend saw us take another huge step forward into welcome our children into every aspect of our lives. We took them to a re-enactment event. Re-enacting is something my husband and I have done for a long time, we even met at an event and it is something we never saw ourselves not doing.
When we first welcomed the children we expected it would not be appropriate to take the children to one of our events this summer, we had planned to take the summer as it came, missing what we needed to to make sure that they were fully settled and comfortable before we entered into such a busy and stimulating environment. Discussing with our social workers they advised us to try it and if it turned out that it was too much we could come home.
Anyway we gained our social workers approval, packed for every eventuality including enough to let the children decide whether they wanted to dress up or not, plenty of toys for all weathers and with a plan to let the children decide what they wanted to happen. They travelled well - excited was an understatement as they do love camping. We arrived and the site was busy but we found a spot away from the main 'busy' spot and got set up. We made sure that we were set up in a way that the children had somewhere private to play if they found it all a bit too much as well as safe space to eat with their own chairs and no one else watching.
Like I said, we gave the children the choice whether to dress up - they wanted to as they do love fancy dress and this was an excuse to wear it and to wear it all day with lots of other people also dressing up. They looked fantastic! They really did surprise us with how well they coped. Our friends respected them and their needs and did not overwhelm them but allowed the children to take the lead and it worked for them. They still stayed close - always with one of us in sight and always looked for reassurance from us which we are hoping it further evidence of their attachment to us but they had the confidence to explore and to play. We are lucky in that my parents and sibling also take part so they were there which seemed to add to the children's confidence as it gave them more familiar faces.
Coming home was lovely as they both asked to go again but to a different field! I can't wait to take then again.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Guilty
After Easter we were lucky enough to be granted funding for a pre school place for our youngest small so we dutifully requested some morning sessions (deciding that afternoons would not be a good idea as we figured she would be too tired) and prepared with a new school bag, lunch bag and we did our best to prepare her for her new adventure.
The first week went ok - she was very unsure but the screaming did not start until week 2 when she refused to go into the classroom and screamed blue murder when I tried to leave, she also tried to chase me out of the door which left me with nothing but guilt. Why was I distressing my little girl in this way? Was it really doing her any good? What was she going to learn?
I had to be reassured by another mum that her behaviour was normal for any child and her fear was that I wasn't coming back for her. When I did collect her she was all smiles, she had calmed down within 5 minutes of me leaving and had been playing happily and had eaten all her lunch as well. The morning drop offs started getting easier and I was feeling a lot better about her being in an environment where she could play with other children in a safe and stimulating environment. All that changed with the 'incident'.
I hate to call it that but I have no idea what else to call it. I collected her one lunch time and found her screaming. "She has been bitten" the key worker told me. I immediately looked to her hands and was horrified when I saw that the bite was on her face, next to her eye and that it had drawn blood. All I wanted to do was get her out of there, I was devastated that I had left her there and she had been hurt. Pre school was supposed to be a safe environment. It took me getting her home and plenty of cuddles before I could calm her down and then I called the pre school to discuss it, apologies for the rudeness of my taking her out and to request the incident forms that I knew the social worker would need.
It turns out that no one had seen what happened although my oldest small said he did but we were told that this was the second incident for the biter and that he would be shadowed closely moving forwards to prevent a recurrence. I had very firm words with the deputy head and made it clear that another incident would mean me pushing for the child's removal from school as well as me considering the removal of my children to a different setting. I also had to stress that my children have already had huge upheavals in their lives and incidents like this are major setbacks in their developing of trusting relationships with the people around them. The staff had seen this when she refused to let them console her, or put anything near her face and they had been surprised by her refusal.
I have to say that I accept that accidents happen. Oldest small is a mass of bruises on his legs from playing, falling and banging into things. I also accept that some children bite. It is their way of communicating especially when they don't have the language to say what they want. What I don't accept is the severity of the bite and its location.
My next challenge was to persuade her to go back to school, that she was safe there and the tantrums got worse again. Luckily they have improved but it has taken a while for her to regain her trust of the pre school and during this time my feelings of guilt returned along with a acceptance that she had to return or I was teaching her that she didn't have to go back to a place when something unpleasant happened - not something that we could accept when we move to big school. I am hoping that time will make it easier for her and as it gets easier for her I will feel less guilty for leaving her.
The first week went ok - she was very unsure but the screaming did not start until week 2 when she refused to go into the classroom and screamed blue murder when I tried to leave, she also tried to chase me out of the door which left me with nothing but guilt. Why was I distressing my little girl in this way? Was it really doing her any good? What was she going to learn?
I had to be reassured by another mum that her behaviour was normal for any child and her fear was that I wasn't coming back for her. When I did collect her she was all smiles, she had calmed down within 5 minutes of me leaving and had been playing happily and had eaten all her lunch as well. The morning drop offs started getting easier and I was feeling a lot better about her being in an environment where she could play with other children in a safe and stimulating environment. All that changed with the 'incident'.
I hate to call it that but I have no idea what else to call it. I collected her one lunch time and found her screaming. "She has been bitten" the key worker told me. I immediately looked to her hands and was horrified when I saw that the bite was on her face, next to her eye and that it had drawn blood. All I wanted to do was get her out of there, I was devastated that I had left her there and she had been hurt. Pre school was supposed to be a safe environment. It took me getting her home and plenty of cuddles before I could calm her down and then I called the pre school to discuss it, apologies for the rudeness of my taking her out and to request the incident forms that I knew the social worker would need.
It turns out that no one had seen what happened although my oldest small said he did but we were told that this was the second incident for the biter and that he would be shadowed closely moving forwards to prevent a recurrence. I had very firm words with the deputy head and made it clear that another incident would mean me pushing for the child's removal from school as well as me considering the removal of my children to a different setting. I also had to stress that my children have already had huge upheavals in their lives and incidents like this are major setbacks in their developing of trusting relationships with the people around them. The staff had seen this when she refused to let them console her, or put anything near her face and they had been surprised by her refusal.
I have to say that I accept that accidents happen. Oldest small is a mass of bruises on his legs from playing, falling and banging into things. I also accept that some children bite. It is their way of communicating especially when they don't have the language to say what they want. What I don't accept is the severity of the bite and its location.
My next challenge was to persuade her to go back to school, that she was safe there and the tantrums got worse again. Luckily they have improved but it has taken a while for her to regain her trust of the pre school and during this time my feelings of guilt returned along with a acceptance that she had to return or I was teaching her that she didn't have to go back to a place when something unpleasant happened - not something that we could accept when we move to big school. I am hoping that time will make it easier for her and as it gets easier for her I will feel less guilty for leaving her.
Camping
We decided to have a go at a weekend camping so we dutifully booked 2 nights at a nice looking, reasonably local site, packed up the car and went. We purposefully didn't go too far from home just in case and when we arrived we were pleasantly surprised as the site was well kept, quiet and we were shown to a lovely pitch in the middle, close enough to the shower block for comfort and with fencing on 3 sides which was perfect for the children.
The first thing we learnt very quickly was that we need to be able to get pitched and sorted a lot quicker or we need a better way to entertain the smalls whilst we are getting on with it! Our new tent did go up easily and it looked like it was going to be big enough, it always amazes me that tents have a 'suggested occupancy' that is never realistic - this one is a 8 man tent and we were happy and comfortable with 4 of us with a nice area for all our stuff plus playing in case the weather is wet. We also got to have a go with the tiny chairs we were bought for them.
We were not lucky in the weather on the first day as it rained and it rained and it rained some more but we were are prepared as we could be. We managed meals outside and in the tent as well as my parents caravan awning. We managed showers in the disabled shower (much more space than the normal ones so I make no apology) and we had 2 lovely days out.
The first thing we learnt very quickly was that we need to be able to get pitched and sorted a lot quicker or we need a better way to entertain the smalls whilst we are getting on with it! Our new tent did go up easily and it looked like it was going to be big enough, it always amazes me that tents have a 'suggested occupancy' that is never realistic - this one is a 8 man tent and we were happy and comfortable with 4 of us with a nice area for all our stuff plus playing in case the weather is wet. We also got to have a go with the tiny chairs we were bought for them.
We were not lucky in the weather on the first day as it rained and it rained and it rained some more but we were are prepared as we could be. We managed meals outside and in the tent as well as my parents caravan awning. We managed showers in the disabled shower (much more space than the normal ones so I make no apology) and we had 2 lovely days out.
Bedtime was where we came unstuck a little bit (again). The first night we waiting until the children were really tired - over an hour later than normal bed time and put them to bed but the noise was strange to them and it took a while for them to go to sleep but they did lie down quietly in their airbeds and sleeping bags. The night was not as much fun for youngest as she struggled to settled and in the end we brought her into our bed to save us getting up to settle her repeatedly. The second night was much more entertaining as the evening was clear and dry. Once again we waited until they were really tired before we put them to bed but then the excitement started and the next hour was all giggles as they realised they could communicate with each other despite being in separate bedroom bits. Luckily once they settled they slept well and quietly but they were still awake with the dawn which meant tired smalls come Monday!
I also learnt that we need to take a lot more toys with us for when we are on site - I forgot that in all the excitment we still need something different every 10 minutes to prevent boredom but I will take more in future.
My personal highlight for the weekend was on our first day out. We got to feed the lambs which the smalls did and enjoyed, we played on a huge range of indoor and outdoor toys, we feed the cows, had a tractor ride and then we got to take a goat for a walk. I made friends with Mildred and we had a lovely little walk.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
A mixed bag.
It has been a while since I have found time to record my thoughts and I have found that I have missed it as I find it very cathartic, as such this might up as a steam of my thoughts based on the last few days.
A lot has happened in the last few weeks but one thing has really stuck with me, mainly because it has been said a few times now and explaining is not getting any less uncomfortable. I was not there when my children were born. It is strange how many people ask questions about when they were born. I have to repeatedly tell medical professionals that youngest small was a premature baby and that I wasn't there. Parents of other children especially when they start talking about their pregnancies and births want me to join in and I can't which means I end up explaining that I wasn't there so I don't feel so rude. Sadly every time it reminds me how much of them I have missed out on - I wasn't the one who felt them growing inside her, I didn't give birth to them and I missed their first months and years of life. I guess I have the rest of my life to come to terms with that and it will not mean that I love them any less.
We also had to deal with an incident at preschool. Youngest small started after Easter doing 3 mornings a week and after a great start she was getting upset when I tried to leave her although she did calm down within 5 minutes of me leaving. It was heartbreaking to walk away from her when she was screaming and it took the other mums to reassure me that she was ok but that was before.
Last week when we arrived to collect them we were met by a screaming small in the arms of one of the key workers. She was screaming because another child had bitten her. On the face. I was devastated. I understand that children bite and that it is a form of communication but the mess of her face broke my heart. The black eye that developed over night has been a constant reminder every time I look at her but it is healing. I had taken her to pre school to learn, the develop and to have fun. Not to get hurt. I accept that the key workers can't be everywhere and can't stop everything but the child in question is a known biter ad no one can tell me why he wasn't being monitored more closely.
The other suggestion put forward was that I collect her early so she doesn't come into contact with this child which has infuriated me further as why she should miss out. If any child should be in pre school less it should be the child that bites in my opinion. My next concern is taking her back as I am not sure how she will react - I am hoping she will be as before but my fear is that she will have a complete meltdown and refuse to go - tomorrow I will see as I am taking oldest small however it is not her day so she gets to come home with me.
Today has been a lovely day, we started swimming with my parents-in-law and then onto brunch with both smalls sinking massive platefuls of scrambled eggs on toast. The next few hours was craft time (thank you pictures for the swimming as I couldn't manage it on my own when my husband is at work) and play time which included a little TV time. We then went to the in-laws for a lovely Sunday dinner which was even nicer as I didn't cook it and I didn't have to wash up either. It always amazes me after such a good breakfast, brunch and snack that the smalls can then manage a Sunday dinner followed by dessert.
Tomorrow we are back to school and next weekend brings our next adventure: camping.
A lot has happened in the last few weeks but one thing has really stuck with me, mainly because it has been said a few times now and explaining is not getting any less uncomfortable. I was not there when my children were born. It is strange how many people ask questions about when they were born. I have to repeatedly tell medical professionals that youngest small was a premature baby and that I wasn't there. Parents of other children especially when they start talking about their pregnancies and births want me to join in and I can't which means I end up explaining that I wasn't there so I don't feel so rude. Sadly every time it reminds me how much of them I have missed out on - I wasn't the one who felt them growing inside her, I didn't give birth to them and I missed their first months and years of life. I guess I have the rest of my life to come to terms with that and it will not mean that I love them any less.
We also had to deal with an incident at preschool. Youngest small started after Easter doing 3 mornings a week and after a great start she was getting upset when I tried to leave her although she did calm down within 5 minutes of me leaving. It was heartbreaking to walk away from her when she was screaming and it took the other mums to reassure me that she was ok but that was before.
Last week when we arrived to collect them we were met by a screaming small in the arms of one of the key workers. She was screaming because another child had bitten her. On the face. I was devastated. I understand that children bite and that it is a form of communication but the mess of her face broke my heart. The black eye that developed over night has been a constant reminder every time I look at her but it is healing. I had taken her to pre school to learn, the develop and to have fun. Not to get hurt. I accept that the key workers can't be everywhere and can't stop everything but the child in question is a known biter ad no one can tell me why he wasn't being monitored more closely.
The other suggestion put forward was that I collect her early so she doesn't come into contact with this child which has infuriated me further as why she should miss out. If any child should be in pre school less it should be the child that bites in my opinion. My next concern is taking her back as I am not sure how she will react - I am hoping she will be as before but my fear is that she will have a complete meltdown and refuse to go - tomorrow I will see as I am taking oldest small however it is not her day so she gets to come home with me.
Today has been a lovely day, we started swimming with my parents-in-law and then onto brunch with both smalls sinking massive platefuls of scrambled eggs on toast. The next few hours was craft time (thank you pictures for the swimming as I couldn't manage it on my own when my husband is at work) and play time which included a little TV time. We then went to the in-laws for a lovely Sunday dinner which was even nicer as I didn't cook it and I didn't have to wash up either. It always amazes me after such a good breakfast, brunch and snack that the smalls can then manage a Sunday dinner followed by dessert.
Tomorrow we are back to school and next weekend brings our next adventure: camping.
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