Counting those blessings

The last few weeks I have been feeling pretty rubbish. I have been letting things get on top of me and I was losing the fun a lot. Almost completely.  This is my selfish moment to moan. To write it all down and to get it off my chest, I can then pick myself up, brush myself off and get on with enjoying the life that I have been blessed with.

My children are children. Normal children. They don’t always listen. They don’t always eat nicely. They shout at me. I shout at them. They don’t always place nicely. They have tantrums. They throw toys, break things and mess about. They are jealous of each other and they both want to be 100% the focus of all attention, all the time. There is only 1 of me.

My marriage isn’t perfect, Andrew and I don’t always see eye to eye and I am good at sulking which means we don’t talk. We are both stubborn and have the capacity to be pig headed. We both avoid doing things in the hope that the other person will.

Working full time with 2 children to look after is exhausting. I feel like I spend my week chasing round making sure they are in preschool at the right time, that I am at work on time and that I collect them on time and from the right place. I struggle with being late, I get really anxious about it and this is really wearing me down. I always try and start each day fresh but when sleep is lacking it is hard.

I am a human being and I get jealous. Since 2014 dawned there have been 7 or 8 births around us and I am jealous. I love my children and I wouldn’t change them or they way they entered my world but I wanted a birth child and I doubt that will ever leave me. Finding out that I have a genetic mutation has nailed that coffin lid firmly shut and the hammering reminded me.

But.

My children are children. Normal children.  We are not experiencing much different to other parents providing we stick to our routine. Outside of t his comfort zone we only have ourselves to blame.

 Andrew does support me. He helps around the house and the garden and he will do the shopping when I am work and he is not. He does what he can, when he can and makes a valid point that he is not a mind reader – if I don’t tell him then he doesn’t know.

I have a job. A reasonably paid job with a flexible team leader who has supported me and doesn’t make a big deal when I am 5 minutes late and end up cutting short my lunch to cover it.

I am healthy, ok I am over weight and loosing it would do me no harm but I am healthy. I can play football with my children, I can chase them, pick them up, cuddle them and tickle them. I have a genetic mutation but it will not kill me. At least, not in the foreseeable future.

 
I have a lot to look forward to. We have plans to go places, to see things and visit people. My little boy is going to 5 in a couple of months and we are working towards a party for him. He will then start school. Before that I have my own birthday to look forward to.

I need to count the blessings that I have and try to work round everything else. Insanity is not an option. Today.

Support Network

Something that was stressed a great deal during out preparation and assessment for becoming adopters was our support network. Who was it? Where was it? Could we access it easily? The social workers were not wrong and I have needed my support network more than I could have imagined.

Take this week for example.

Nanny had oldest as he was too poorly to go to school. I felt terrible as I thought I should be taking the day off work to look after him but if I did this every time I would have no annual leave left and it would mean more child care arrangements during the school holidays. She also, kindly, took him to the doctors for me for the same reason and at the time I was really uncomfortable about it. I am not even sure why. There were no problems; he was safe, well cared for and happy. He did have a moment when I left him but that is not unusual and I put it down to the change in his usually routine.

Next the weekend. Separating the children for things is something that we are trying to do more and more – we have found that smallest gets her chance to shine as she is no long overshadowed by an older brother who answers to her and tries to her help all time as well as sometimes acts like the parent in telling her off and shouting at her – things we are trying to discourage. We also want to give oldest a chance to do the things that he is old enough to do – sometimes things that she is still a bit too little for.

This weekend was the first time we really tried this for any length of time. On Saturday I went for a girlie day out and took smallest with me – we did some shopping, had lunch out and generally had a lovely day. She was beautifully behaved and enjoyed herself and the attention. This day allowed my boys some time. They did some food shopping but it allowed oldest to get into some cooking and baking (both things that he really enjoys). When I got home he had enjoyed his day but he was angry with me for leaving him behind. His behaviour showed it.

Sunday we tried again – this time I was on my own so reliant upon the grace of Nanny (again). I would never have managed on Sunday without Nanny who supported me taking them swimming and allowed me to focus on oldest a little more. The afternoon was smallest at Nanny’s (there was make up involved) whilst I took oldest to a birthday party with his friends. I know that is not quality one to one time and I know that I need to spend some with him but it was nice to see him enjoying himself with his peers and being well behaved at the same time. I also made a massive fuss as he coped really well when he didn’t get a turn at pass the parcel – something that caused a major meltdown only 12 weeks ago. I was also very proud of the way he is able to sit and eat nicely. It is sometimes hard to see how good the good bits are until you have a direct comparison. My son eats just about anything and does well with cutlery. I am proud of him for that.

Next weekend the children get to visit the other side of the family – mine. I find it much easier to ask my parents and sister for help.  Maybe because they are my family and I know them better – my husband says the same, that it is easier for him to ask his parents for help. That being said I did another talk for a prepare to adopt course and it was one of the points that I really tried to hammer home. A good support network is essential. I would have really struggled without mine.