Some time ago, at work, a colleague and I were talking about our children. It is no secret at work that they are adopted - they watched me leave work not pregnant and come back 12 months later with 2 pre school aged children. Then she made a comment that stopped me in my tracks:
"it must be so hard to love them as much as birth children"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
She really thought that all those parents who adopt children, take on step children, generally look after, care for, and love children that are not biologically linked to them didn't love them as much as a birth parent loves the child they have created.
It made me desperately sad.
But then I thought about it some more. I know lots of parents who have taken on the children of their parents, who have adopted and they all love their children. In most instances there is no difference between then and the families with birth children that we know and spend time with.
I have nothing to compare it to. I don't have birth children so I may never really understand whether I would love a birth child more than I love the children that I have. What I do know is that I love my children. Unconditionally. I would move heaven and earth for them, take them to the stars and bring them back again and as far as I am concerned that is all I need.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Being Recognised
This is our third Christmas as a family and next month sees the anniversary of when the smalls came home to us. Even after 3 years we are still learning and we still make mistakes. Even after 3 years there are days which feel like they last for years and we are grateful when it comes to bed time. But, after 3 years, we wouldn't change anything.
Christmas is out worst time of year. The change in routine, the added excitement and constant bombardment of everything Christmas related adds to the anxiety levels and makes breakdowns much more common. A few days ago was no exception - a breakdown because we asked him to get out of the bath and he wanted more time. 40 minutes later calm was restored.
At the weekend we also a breakdown to manage, he was over tired, over excited and emotionally pickled. We chose to continue with the standard routine and wen to rugby but then training was interrupted by a visit from Santa, another disruption. It ended in him sat in the middle of the pitch crying, screaming and generally refusing to do anything so we went away, back to the car, away from all other distractions to calm down. It must have looked terrible to the other parents watching, I didn't even reason with him, I just gently took him arm and took him away. It turns out he wanted to be in the photo with the other children, one destined to be in the newspaper and I had refused and asked him to come away. All I wanted was to keep him safe but he saw this as me not letting him be the same as his friends.
This does lead to another dilemma -at what point do I relax about pictures of them being out there? In the paper, on the school website, even on my own facebook page?
Looking back at old photos they have both changed so much in the last 3 years that neither are recognisable at a glance. But I want to keep them safe, I want to keep the risk of being found by birth family as small as possible. I might be being paranoid, they might not even be looking for them but, and there is always a but, what if?
Christmas is out worst time of year. The change in routine, the added excitement and constant bombardment of everything Christmas related adds to the anxiety levels and makes breakdowns much more common. A few days ago was no exception - a breakdown because we asked him to get out of the bath and he wanted more time. 40 minutes later calm was restored.
At the weekend we also a breakdown to manage, he was over tired, over excited and emotionally pickled. We chose to continue with the standard routine and wen to rugby but then training was interrupted by a visit from Santa, another disruption. It ended in him sat in the middle of the pitch crying, screaming and generally refusing to do anything so we went away, back to the car, away from all other distractions to calm down. It must have looked terrible to the other parents watching, I didn't even reason with him, I just gently took him arm and took him away. It turns out he wanted to be in the photo with the other children, one destined to be in the newspaper and I had refused and asked him to come away. All I wanted was to keep him safe but he saw this as me not letting him be the same as his friends.
This does lead to another dilemma -at what point do I relax about pictures of them being out there? In the paper, on the school website, even on my own facebook page?
Looking back at old photos they have both changed so much in the last 3 years that neither are recognisable at a glance. But I want to keep them safe, I want to keep the risk of being found by birth family as small as possible. I might be being paranoid, they might not even be looking for them but, and there is always a but, what if?
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