It has taken me some time to get my head around my conversation with my oldest earlier last week, mainly because it took me completely by surprise. I wasn't expecting him to start questioning me about his birth family and his past until he was much older, maybe when he moved to secondary school. I have always promised myself that I would honest with the children, it is their history and they have a right to understand what happened to them and why but it is really difficult to make that story age appropriate.
The weird thing is that he keeps coming back to the conversation every few days, adding a bit here and there and asking for a little more information as well. He realises there are letters and wants to know what their content is, he doesn't want to see the letters. He keeps telling me that he remembers her which I find hard to believe as he hasn't seen her in nearly 4 years and since then he has seen her photo once. He doesn't want to see it, he has a memory book detailing his life for us, we have never hidden it from him but he doesn't want to look at it.
He has also realised that the statement 'I want to live with (insert name)" is a button pusher. It hurts my feelings and no matter how I try to hide it he has realised and can now use this against me whenever he is angry or in the mood to hurt me.
My other concern is that these conversations have caused real distress for youngest. She really isn't interested and gets really upset whenever oldest starts making it even harder. At the moment lots of cuddles and affection are the order of the day so hopefully that will reassure her that she has nothing to worry about.
Being an adoptive parent is really hard, harder than I ever imagined. Would I change it, not for the world but sometimes I wish life could be a bit simpler and I feel guilty wishing for that.
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