Yesterday was a terrible day. It didn't start well and it just spiralled out of all control.
Breakfast was relatively easy. I was relieved. I took them swimming, Oldest was obviously tired and whined constantly. He was also over giddy and at times, especially in the car part, dangerously so. He was on a final warning before we even got into the water but I thought that the fun of swimming would distract him enough for us to have some fun. I was wrong. Less than 15 minutes later we were showering and I had to turn off to his tantrum. Home and I settled him into bed on the promise that if he had a sleep we would start again and do something fun. He slept. He understood. His tantrum had destroyed his ability to protest about being put to bed during the day. Smallest and I curled up together on the sofa and even she had an hour fast asleep.
On waking we started again. They helped make lunch of their choosing, we ate and made a plan. We went out and behaviours started to degrade again but distraction worked for bit and bribery (new slippers!) was the ticket. We got out and to the grandparents without incident. We had a lovely Sunday lunch and the children had chance to play. Being tired means that neither of them listen. It is incredibly frustrating.
Once we got home I thought I would be able to survive the rest of the day. I was wrong.
I left them colouring for a minute. 60 seconds. No more. I came back and there was wax crayon drawing all over the carpet and the table. I lost my ability to stay calm. Without speaking I removed the tin of crayons and went to calm down. My scream went out on Facebook. I regained calm and returned. The children were put on the naughty spot and then asked to say sorry. They lost their new slippers as a consequence of their actions. We moved on. I did bath time, we watched some cartoons, we had stories, kisses and cuddles and I settled them down to sleep reminding them that they are loved.
I then sat down with a drink, to have a moment to myself and to catch up with the world and turned Facebook back on. To read that a family member had attacked me because of my earlier scream. I was livid. Angry doesn't cover it. A family member who I have very little to do, who has seen my children once but never interacted with them but to whom my youngest's outgrown clothes go to. I was attacked. Accused of shouting and swearing at my children, accused of depriving them of attention, accused of being a bad parent. In hindsight it was nice to see so many friends sticking up for me, supporting me and offering me ears to listen as well as advise as to how to clean the carpet.
Part of my thought process included finding the root cause of the bad behaviour I had been subjected to. Firstly the tiredness but secondly jealousy. Youngest was clearly jealous that over the weekend another child had been included in our plans and that I had spent time with the child - playing with, talking to and generally including. That child is the child of the family member who attacked me. I had not spent as much time one to one with my daughter so I could include that child.
I made a choice last night, close down my Facebook account, delete everything on there and never return to it. In the calm that followed today I changed my mind. Why should I loose the support of my friends and those family members who have been there for me? I reinstated my account and started a cull. I need to have a greater cull - not only friends and family but also the material I have on there. I plan to remove photos, groups - as much as I can whilst leaving me with the bits that I want, need and enjoy. It is going to take me some time but it will be worth it.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
School Photographs
I never really thought about it before but this week we had to decline oldest from being pictured on the preschool leavers photo. When I thought about school photos I figured that the children were photographed and their parents/carers could purchase these for their own enjoyment. Class photos never really crossed my mind.
I had to decline his participation in this photo because I have no idea where it will end up. It could go on countless living room mantle pieces. It might even end up on social media sites like Facebook. It will contain identifying information such as his surname, the preschool he attends and ultimately a way to locate him. To protect the identity and location of my child his image can not be 'put out there' in that fashion. He is paramount to my choice. Yet I still feel awful. He will have no record of the children he went to preschool with, especially those going on to different primary schools. His friends of today will not see him when they look back at their class photograph. The school will not see his face in that class line up to remember. I also hate having to exclude him from the things that all his friends and peers are doing because he has a different start in life.
I hope that next year will be different. His physical appearance might have changed enough for him to be included although the remaining risk factors will remain.
I had to decline his participation in this photo because I have no idea where it will end up. It could go on countless living room mantle pieces. It might even end up on social media sites like Facebook. It will contain identifying information such as his surname, the preschool he attends and ultimately a way to locate him. To protect the identity and location of my child his image can not be 'put out there' in that fashion. He is paramount to my choice. Yet I still feel awful. He will have no record of the children he went to preschool with, especially those going on to different primary schools. His friends of today will not see him when they look back at their class photograph. The school will not see his face in that class line up to remember. I also hate having to exclude him from the things that all his friends and peers are doing because he has a different start in life.
I hope that next year will be different. His physical appearance might have changed enough for him to be included although the remaining risk factors will remain.
Contact thoughts.
We recently received another contact letter - the 2nd from this member of the children's birth family and it got me thinking. Nature vs nurture is a long argument with valid point for those sitting on both sides of the fence and I would personally like to believe that a nurturing environment has to play a major role in how children develop.
It was a lovely letter - hand written neatly, very thankful of our last letter and the artwork we included. I decided that with each letter I would send hand and feet prints from each of the children along with some of their more recent artwork. It is the only way I have of showing how the children are growing and developing. The latter is easy to achieve. They bring home mountains from preschool on a weekly basis plus they love drawing, colouring, sticking and painting so these are often things we do at home especially on rainy days when the garden isn't such a tempting distraction. The former is not difficult either, it just takes a bit of organising for example where can they wash all the paint off without covering the house. The garden and the paddling pool were perfect the first time I did these as they could paint, get covered and get washed without even entering the house!
Once a mass of paper is assembled it falls to actually writing the letter to accompany it all. I find it very hard to write to a stranger. I have never met these people and the chances are I may never meet them so trying to include things that they will find interesting or want to know as well as striking the right tone is really hard. I like to make the letters as personal as I can - information about their development, the things they enjoy and any special events.
One piece of advise the contact team give out is to ask questions in the view that it promotes 'conversation' but I have no idea what to ask.
I always print my letters. I know it is less personal that handwriting them but my hand writing is appalling and I have 3 letters to do so I do cut and paste chunks that are common across them all. I do try and use nice writing paper and envelopes - I have some pale blue with birds and butterflies, a funky orange with a book motif and some stunning Beatrix Potter paper with matching envelopes, all bought for these letters specifically. I hope it shows that I care about these letters and that I understand how much they must mean to the children's birth family.
So, I ask. What would you write about? What would you include? If you were a birth family member getting contact letters what would want to hear about? What would you like to receive?
It was a lovely letter - hand written neatly, very thankful of our last letter and the artwork we included. I decided that with each letter I would send hand and feet prints from each of the children along with some of their more recent artwork. It is the only way I have of showing how the children are growing and developing. The latter is easy to achieve. They bring home mountains from preschool on a weekly basis plus they love drawing, colouring, sticking and painting so these are often things we do at home especially on rainy days when the garden isn't such a tempting distraction. The former is not difficult either, it just takes a bit of organising for example where can they wash all the paint off without covering the house. The garden and the paddling pool were perfect the first time I did these as they could paint, get covered and get washed without even entering the house!
Once a mass of paper is assembled it falls to actually writing the letter to accompany it all. I find it very hard to write to a stranger. I have never met these people and the chances are I may never meet them so trying to include things that they will find interesting or want to know as well as striking the right tone is really hard. I like to make the letters as personal as I can - information about their development, the things they enjoy and any special events.
One piece of advise the contact team give out is to ask questions in the view that it promotes 'conversation' but I have no idea what to ask.
I always print my letters. I know it is less personal that handwriting them but my hand writing is appalling and I have 3 letters to do so I do cut and paste chunks that are common across them all. I do try and use nice writing paper and envelopes - I have some pale blue with birds and butterflies, a funky orange with a book motif and some stunning Beatrix Potter paper with matching envelopes, all bought for these letters specifically. I hope it shows that I care about these letters and that I understand how much they must mean to the children's birth family.
So, I ask. What would you write about? What would you include? If you were a birth family member getting contact letters what would want to hear about? What would you like to receive?
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Another year
I have to confess that I was rather apathetic about my birthday this year. Not a big one, nor a mile stone. In the weeks running up to it I had been struggling with life in general.
The morning of my birthday was the same as many others. My husband left for work at dawn but when I woke he had left me 2 gifts and a card on his pillow. There was obviously a lot of thought behind the gifts but sadly my husband struggled with sizing (very unusually if I am honest, he normally gets things like that right) so although I loved my gifts sadly they needed to be changed. A shower and getting ready for work later and I had no choice but to wake the smalls. Both, after a moments remembrance presented me with a carrier bag and proceeding to unwrap my presents for me so they could proudly show me the things that they had chosen for me - a box of chocolates, a lollipop with my name on it, a key ring which was also tiny Wellington boots and a frog for the garden with springs on its arms and legs. It looked like they had a massive amount of fun choosing it all. The most amazing items however were the 2 hand made cards in which the smalls had tried to write their names. I will treasure them.
My day was a normal one - breakfast, take the smalls to pre school and then go to work. I did the standard 'cakes and savouries' for the office and went about my day.
Coming home was where things changed. I picked the smalls up from after school club and we decided on fish and chips for tea - fish me, battered sausage for them and we ate them in the garden, in the sunshine. whilst we were eating my parents arrived for the weekend and brought with them cake - fairy castle cake complete with towers made from ice cream cones. It was a cake that mum made for me when I was a little girl and loved and my smalls also thought it was brilliant.
The weekend was planned to be enjoyed - Saturday was a day for me. Mum and I went shopping. I did spend most of the time sorting out things for the smalls but I also managed a couple of bits for me and the day out was lovely. Sunday was open day at a local farm. It was manic - the sun was shining and the weather was glorious so lots of other families had decided to do the same thing. There was tractor rides, sheep shows, sausage and butter making plus a variety of craft and local produce stalls as well as loads for the smalls to do.
By Sunday evening, when Andrew got home from work, I was shattered. My box of Thorntons was so inviting but I was so tired I went to bed early. Nearly a week later I can look back on what was a good way to mark another year.
The morning of my birthday was the same as many others. My husband left for work at dawn but when I woke he had left me 2 gifts and a card on his pillow. There was obviously a lot of thought behind the gifts but sadly my husband struggled with sizing (very unusually if I am honest, he normally gets things like that right) so although I loved my gifts sadly they needed to be changed. A shower and getting ready for work later and I had no choice but to wake the smalls. Both, after a moments remembrance presented me with a carrier bag and proceeding to unwrap my presents for me so they could proudly show me the things that they had chosen for me - a box of chocolates, a lollipop with my name on it, a key ring which was also tiny Wellington boots and a frog for the garden with springs on its arms and legs. It looked like they had a massive amount of fun choosing it all. The most amazing items however were the 2 hand made cards in which the smalls had tried to write their names. I will treasure them.
My day was a normal one - breakfast, take the smalls to pre school and then go to work. I did the standard 'cakes and savouries' for the office and went about my day.
Coming home was where things changed. I picked the smalls up from after school club and we decided on fish and chips for tea - fish me, battered sausage for them and we ate them in the garden, in the sunshine. whilst we were eating my parents arrived for the weekend and brought with them cake - fairy castle cake complete with towers made from ice cream cones. It was a cake that mum made for me when I was a little girl and loved and my smalls also thought it was brilliant.
The weekend was planned to be enjoyed - Saturday was a day for me. Mum and I went shopping. I did spend most of the time sorting out things for the smalls but I also managed a couple of bits for me and the day out was lovely. Sunday was open day at a local farm. It was manic - the sun was shining and the weather was glorious so lots of other families had decided to do the same thing. There was tractor rides, sheep shows, sausage and butter making plus a variety of craft and local produce stalls as well as loads for the smalls to do.
By Sunday evening, when Andrew got home from work, I was shattered. My box of Thorntons was so inviting but I was so tired I went to bed early. Nearly a week later I can look back on what was a good way to mark another year.
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