A good start to the term.

Last week we celebrated the time old tradition of parents evening. Once again we ventured through the breach and onto school property for 2 meeting, each lasting 10 minutes each - one for each child. The school hall was full of parents and there were tables with the teachers waiting for us like predators waits for its prey. 　

We sat in the first waiting area, looking over the school books that were on display. Oldest looks to have been working hard, there was lots of green and plenty of smiley faces, always a good sign. The teacher was free, we were summon to the table and, luckily, she smiled! The evening was on the up! He has been working hard, improving in all areas and he is meeting the expectations that are set by whoever sets the whole school curriculum decides. 

He is a pleasant child in class, they are no obvious behavioural issues (yet) and there are no concerns. The relief was overwhelming. Of his teacher I would say a lot of good things including her willingness to take time to listen to us, to try and understand some of our concerns and also to help him with little things like a pass to the chill out club at lunch times whenever he wants to go. Usually children are given a ticket when play time gets too much, he doesn't need to wait for the ticket but can decide and take himself when he feels he needs to. A real passive step forward. 　

As we were concluding our conversation we were aware that teacher number 2 was watching intently - we were late for her table! Never a good start as we hadn't reviewed youngest books, they were still sat on the table waiting for us! 　

We thanked teacher 1, quickly switched books and moved over to the next table. This was wasn't quite as smiley. This one was the one we were slightly less nervous about. Youngest has always tended to be the more compliant, the less challenging and overall a bright cookie. She still is a bright cookie, working ahead in her phonics and reading but meeting expectations elsewhere in her school work. It felt like we were being lulled into a false sense of security. We were, She has been in trouble for interfering with other children. Not a massive surprise based on her behaviour at home but we had hoped it was limited to her brother. Seems like not. Her teacher is acting according to school rules, youngest will learn and that is all we can do for the time being (other than speak to her about it, which we did). 　

Walking out of school it was like a weight had been lifted and we are hopeful for next time, traditionally the second hardest of the year (after the first half term of the new year). We don't have to worry about parents evening again until the summer.

Book Review - A Forever Family by John Houghton

It was a freebie book that I picked up at Adoption UK's volunteers day and not usually one that I would choose but I figured I would give it a try as it might be valuable without being as full on as a text book (my usual adoption themed reading material). 　

It is the account of an adoptive father - he and his wife adopt a sibling group of 3. This book tells their story of managing the confusion that social services can be, the nightmare of living with an abused child who then turns to being the abuser resulting in the placement breaking down and the oldest child being returned to the care system. 　

Whilst this is not something I would usually choose I struggled to put it down and read in just 3 days. Part of me was wishing for a happy ever after but at the same time I knew it would not the case. It is well written, objective where possible but incredibly emotive with the author sharing openly his hopes and dreams as well as his fear and devastation. Whilst is presents a very realistic view of one family's experiences from one perspective it recognises that it is just that - one experience and not a reflection on all adoptive families. 　

Is it worth reading? Yes. By potential adoptive parents? Yes. If nothing else it shows worst case scenarios that they might need to be prepared for and it might inform on some choices like accepting a sibling group or accepting a child with a history of abuse. Being armed with this ha to be in the best interests of all involved and might be helpful in preventing adoption breakdowns.

Sticks and Stone

'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me'　

I think I have proof that this statement is not true, words can be really hurtful. 　

But, stones can be a nightmare as well. 　

Yesterday I arrived home after a rough day in the office. I figured I had some time to spend with oldest before collecting smallest from Rainbows but I walked into the house to see Nanny with a face like thunder. When he refused to tell me what he had done, she had to. The crime? Throwing a stone at a passing car. 　

My heart sank. 　

The driver had stopped, reversed and got out to check the damage and luckily there wasn't any and luckily he was reasonable and accepted when oldest was made to apologise to him. 　

If could have been a lot worse. 　

If I am honest I am really glad that it was Nanny who dealt with this one. I can't decide how I would have reacted and I am pretty sure daddy would have been livid and it would have ended in a lot of shouting. 　

The next question we pondered after a very subdued little boy was safely tucked up in bed was what should the consequence be? I am not a fan of the word punishment but for actions that are this severe there does need to be a consequence. No sports club or Beavers? Doesn't work for me as this clubs are there for really positive reasons. No friend for tea? But that punishes his friend and that isn't fair. Is there any argument for the shouting he got from nanny and being made to say sorry to the drive was enough? I really don't know.


I wish that the whole parenting thing came with an instructions book.

Selt-Awareness

It has been some time since our children had direct contact with their older sibling. Our choice as we wanted to preserve the security of their placement and based on the conditions under which the older sibling was functioning at the time. Looking back I posted in May 2015 about the situation. 　

However, as our oldest has got a bit older and a lot more aware of himself and his surroundings he has decided that he wants to see his sibling and is repeatedly asking questions like 'how is he', 'where is he', 'when can I see him', 'does he care about me'. To all of these I have had to answer that I just don't know. Because I have no idea. Since we ceased the direct contact and asked social services to keep us up to date in case we could go back to it we have heard absolutely nothing, 　

It feels like a common failing that different teams that deal with post adoption support and children in a care setting (foster or otherwise) just do not communicate with each other, Add the contact team with whom no one talks and you have a triangle where the points are just not joined up. And it is just not helpful. 　

But, bearing in mind that I promised eldest that I would try I did call the contact team, explained our situation, position and history and I asked for her to help me more forward. She promised me that she would and I am hopeful. She has never let me down before. 　

And she hasn't. I am now waiting for a different social worker to call me to discuss.


My worry is that adding to other conversations about birth family contact might not be the best plan. But I can't prove it without trying it and trying it might be catastrophic.

A conversation, part 2

It has taken me some time to get my head around my conversation with my oldest earlier last week, mainly because it took me completely by surprise. I wasn't expecting him to start questioning me about his birth family and his past until he was much older, maybe when he moved to secondary school. I have always promised myself that I would honest with the children, it is their history and they have a right to understand what happened to them and why but it is really difficult to make that story age appropriate. 　

The weird thing is that he keeps coming back to the conversation every few days, adding a bit here and there and asking for a little more information as well. He realises there are letters and wants to know what their content is, he doesn't want to see the letters. He keeps telling me that he remembers her which I find hard to believe as he hasn't seen her in nearly 4 years and since then he has seen her photo once. He doesn't want to see it, he has a memory book detailing his life for us, we have never hidden it from him but he doesn't want to look at it. 　

He has also realised that the statement 'I want to live with (insert name)" is a button pusher. It hurts my feelings and no matter how I try to hide it he has realised and can now use this against me whenever he is angry or in the mood to hurt me. 　

My other concern is that these conversations have caused real distress for youngest. She really isn't interested and gets really upset whenever oldest starts making it even harder. At the moment lots of cuddles and affection are the order of the day so hopefully that will reassure her that she has nothing to worry about. 　

Being an adoptive parent is really hard, harder than I ever imagined. Would I change it, not for the world but sometimes I wish life could be a bit simpler and I feel guilty wishing for that.

A conversation

Mummy, I have been to the dinosaur park before. 　

You have but not with mummy and daddy. T+D took you a long time ago. 　

I came from T+D's tummy　

No, no you didn't. They were your foster careers and you lived with them for a little while before you came to live with us.　

So whose tummy did I come from?　

Her name was {insert name}　

Your friend from work? 　

No, not my friend from work,. the are lots of people who share the same name. 　

Is she dead?　

No darling, she isn't dead. 　

How do you know?　

Because I get letters from her, she cares about you and wants to know that you are doing ok. 　

Why didn't she want me?　

She did want you but she was poorly so couldn't look after you. 　

But she gave me away　

She didn't give you away, you were taken away from her so that you would be looked after properly. 　

Listen, grown ups sometime have children that they can't look after properly and so social services have to find thoise children homes where they are looked after. 　

OK