Am I over it?

Last night I received the news that a good friend is expecting her first child. I should have been overjoyed for her. And I was.

But.

It brought back to me the fact that I will never share the news with family and friends that I am pregnant, I will never have the experience of being pregnant and I will never be able to give birth. And this floored me. I thought I had accepted this and come to terms with it but does this mean I am over it? Will I ever be able to hear the wonderful news that some one is pregnant without wishing it was me, without my first thought being why is the world so unfair. I don’t think there is an answer except to hope that time allows me to heal – mentally and emotionally and that a positive adoption experience will also help in some way.

The other decision I have struggled with when deciding to write this post was how I would make my friend feel, if she choose to read this. I didn’t want her to feel guilty for being pregnant, guilty for telling me or that I wasn’t happy for her.

I appreciate that she was delicate when she told me and she allowed me to time and space to react as I needed to. She is the not the first friend to do this for me and I do hope she is not the last but these friends are very rare (and worth their weight in gold) as many don’t spare a thought to my how my experiences will affect the way I process news like this as well as how I might react – the hardest thing to do for me recently has been trying to happy in the face of a truly excited person whilst inside my the crack that were mending in my broken heart are re-breaking. I am truly happy for her, I wish her all the best and in time, I hope I can get excited with her but I don’t want to shop for baby things with her, I don’t want to see scan pictures and I don’t need every tiny little detail of her pregnancy and then the birth – it is enough for me to know that she and her baby are happy and well.