Training Course Take 2

Yesterday we attended the second of the 3 training courses we were invited to attend, this one on Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and Neo-Natal Abstintance.

I always surprises me the number of children in the care system suspected of having some form of after effect from alcohol exposure during pregnancy as well as how far reaching the spectrum is. I thought I would be angrier with the women who drank during pregnancy but I just feel sorry for them. I find it very sad that they know no better, that they don’t have the necessary information and support to stop their drinking and more importantly that there is something more important that their unborn children. 

The most interesting element of the course was listening to a gentleman from FASD talking about his girls – 2 with Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and 1 without. I had hoped to get a lot more about how to cope with children on this spectrum but what I did come away with was a reminder that all children are different and what works for one might not work for another and whilst I will make mistakes as a parent I will also learn what is best of my children.

I would recommend anyone wanting to learn more visit this website - http://www.fasdtrust.co.uk/

In other news we meet some more very interesting foster carers and I ready admire the work they do to support children and young people when they come into the care system plus we also make an expedition to investigate car seats and we have made a decision after lot of help from Mr Halfords and mr Kiddicare. 

10 things adoptive parents wish their friends and family understood

Today I am shameless borrowing a post from here:

http://m.parentdish.co.uk/mum/10-things-adoptive-parents-wish-their-friends-and-family-understood/

Mainly because I think it is brilliant and because I don't think it could be said better.

These are 10 of the things I wish friends understood about what it's like to adopt children.

1. The right vocabulary to use

Just to get this straight from the start. I am my children's real mum. The people whose genes they share are their birth family. Clear? Good. Because making up bedtime stories, mending grazed knees and remembering which one hates tomatoes make me just as much a real parent as anyone else.

Oh, and please drop the 'adopted' when introducing us to others. They're our children. Full stop.

2. Our parenting style will almost certainly be different
Yes, I know you'd put yours in a time out on the naughty step and withhold a sticker from her chart. But if my daughter has misbehaved as a consequence of believing she's had so many sets of parent figures in her short life because she's inherently unlovable, making her feel bad isn't going to help me change her mind. If you disagree, either keep quiet or ask me to lend you a book on it.

3. We often feel like outsiders when other mums talk about pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding
I'm well aware that for you, your NCT coffee morning or church toddler group is a chance for you to share everything with people who've been there. Marvellous. But our children are all over two now. Get over the birth and the boobs and move on!

I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation about epidurals or breast pumps, and would much rather find out about how to get blackcurrant stains out of the sofa.

4. We will disappear sometimes, and it's not personal
Especially for the first few months after the children move in. It's mainly about

'funnelling' (making sure the adoptive parents are the only ones to meet the child's needs, to promote healthy attachment).

It may also be sheer exhaustion as we cope with these hurting little people who have moved house again and are trying to understand it all. Later, it may still be that our children get overwhelmed with a situation (parties or visits to friends in particular) and we have to make a swift exit for the sake of everyone's sanity. Please don't be offended.

5. Our children can't always cope with playing with your children
Sometimes, things your family takes for granted are all a bit new and overwhelming for adopted children. Large groups of people can be scary. Lots of choices or several things happening at once can be hard to process. And a child who's had a traumatic start in life will respond in ways that worked for them before ? this might mean screaming, running away, becoming aggressive. They're not just 'being naughty', so your help in trying to keep things low-key and not too exciting would be great.

6. Sorry, it's just not appropriate for you to cuddle our children
First they lived with their birth family. Then in many cases they moved through several foster placements before moving in with their adoptive family. So they need to work out that their parents are the right people to go to for cuddles and reassurance, and that we can and will meet all their needs.

I am very well aware that my fabulous children are gorgeous little cherubs and they might well be very willing to jump on your knee or accept your sweets, but please point them back to us until we let you know it's OK.

7. Yes, all children do X, but not all the time.
Toddler tantrums. Biting. Kicking. Screaming that they hate you. Yes, I know your children have done this too. But many adopted children do this simultaneously and unceasingly for months on end. Yep, at the age of nine. Welcome to Planet Adoption.

So please listen sympathetically while I tell you how extreme it is. And feel free to provide tea and cake with the shoulder to cry on...

8. There are very good reasons why we can't let you take pictures of our children in the school play
Yes, we know it's a pain. We'd love to show off our little shepherd/angel/wise man on Facebook too. But there's a chance that a friend of a friend sees our child online or in a photo on your mantelpiece and puts two and two together, and suddenly dangerous birth family members know where my children go to school and they are put at risk.

9. It's complicated and there are some things we can't explain to you
Some things we do as the adoptive parents of previously abused or neglected children will be, well, idiosyncratic. Weird, if you prefer. Because it's not appropriate to tell you details of why they were removed from their birth family, we can't always explain why things have to be a certain way.

10. We really appreciate your support. Pass the chocolates...
Not all our friends stick around when we adopt. Then there are those who do stick around and say and do things that aren't helpful.

But if you want to be an adoptive parent's best friend, I have two more pieces of advice: bring chocolates round once the kids are in bed, and read all the books on adoption you can find. That would be wonderful.

Safety First

Our next purchase and possible one of the more expensive is car seats. I have been trying to do some research –asking for recommendations, looking for online guides and in the shops and quite honestly I am confused (again).

There is so much choice, so many options and such a difference in price between the different brands which got me asking myself if I was paying for a brand name or if the more expensive seats really are the safest for my children. At the end of the day it is their safety that is of the utmost importance and I will not risk their safety to save money but also I would rather not pay over the odds if I don’t need to.

We do travel in the car a fair bit and I can’t see that changing once the children are with us and settled – to visit family and friends, for days out, and for general every day purposes. We live in a quiet rural village that does not benefit from public transport so I can’t see me every leaving the house to catch a bus or a train without using the car first.

So, back to car seats. Do I want 2 stage 1-2-3 seats or a stage 1 seat and a stage 1-2-3 seat with a plan to move about in the future and to get a booster seat? Removable and washable covers are a must but I can’t see the purpose of cup holders. 5-point harness look best but having it removable for when the seat moves up to using the actual seat belt. Colour is not to be worried about but I do want them to comfortable as well as safe.

It is hard talking to ‘normal’ parents as they all have a different starting point – a stage 0 baby seat and I really don’t need that. There also seems to be a massive difference in recommendations based on the cars, the children and the use that parents put their car seats to. It is so confusing my brain is fizzled.

Anyway, next stop, a shop where I can try seats in our car to see which fits best.

Confessions

This weekend we were booked to visit my parents, which we were really looking forward to, as we have been so busy we have not had a lot of time to see them. So, Saturday morning we packed up, drove the 80 or so miles and arrived. During the drive we had made a choice, a choice to tell our parents the names of our children as we decided it was time to share a little bit more and because I wanted to share in person rather than over the phone and the time I see them will be 22 December.

However, on arrival we were greeted by my parents with a confession. One of a shopping nature. They introduced us to Mr Giraffe with a note that said:

Hello, my name Mr Giraffe, I have run away from the zoo and I thought it would be nice to come and live with you.

He is the most amazing thing I have ever come across.

This confession continued with a pair of gorgeous teddy bears, a pair of rug tugs, a pull along grasshopper, some mega blocks and a fabulous circus play tent. Bringing everything home and placing it in the bedrooms was such a special moment as these things are ready to be played with.

After all that I was pleased to have made the choice to share a little bit more as our excitement really is shared by those closest to us as well.

We then took ourselves to visit Andrew’s parents to share this with them as well. It was lovely to be able to do so and we can’t wait until December comes and we can start to share more with other family and friends.

In other news a round robin from the 3 other couples came yesterday and all 3 will have their children placed in the next 4 weeks – it is such wonderful news and an amazing Christmas present for each of those families. I hope that everything goes well and this is the best Christmas ever for them.