Hearing Voices

This is a difficult post for me. I have been doing my best for both my children and at the moment I feel like my best really might not be good enough.

My oldest is hearing voices. Voices that are telling him to do naughty, destructive and dangerous things. These voices told him to knock the house down with a hammer. To pull his wallpaper off his wall. He has been caught leaning out of his bedroom window (it is locked closed now). He knows that these things are wrong, I think the voices scare him and I have no idea how to help him. At the moment we are in the place where he will tell me when the voices are saying things to me so we can talk about what they are saying and hopefully stop him from acting on it.

I have emailed social services and told them we need support - quickly and without having to mess about waiting. I doubt that my quickly and their quickly are the same thing and I am also worried that the help will be just for my husband and I. We might have to fight to get them to talk directly with oldest. It is a fight that I will enter into without hesitation.

In the meantime, in the hope that anything was better than nothing, I asked oldest about this voice - I was amazed by the level of detail he went into. An old man, always cross and rude with one blue eye and one red eye and with grey hair. He described his arms and hands. The man even has a name. He was so sure that he drew me a picture and we then locked it in an empty drawer. In the mind of a child if the man is in the drawer he can't also be in his head. We shall see if it helps.

Organised Activities

Now that the smalls are really settled into school we are once again looking for organised activities for them to enjoy way from school. As a youngster I enjoyed loads from Brownies/ Guides, ballet, swimming, hockey and trampolining.

I have oldest's name down for Beavers as soon as there is a place for him. I am hoping the variety of activities will stop him getting bored plus the chance of camping is always a motivation. Youngest has started a gymnastics class after school which she seems to be enjoying, For the last 2 weekends I have taken them to rugby. The original plan was for oldest to have a go and see what he thought. In the end both children got stuck in, participated and had a blast and so we are planning to let them both go. I had hoped it would teach oldest about being part of a team, working together and maybe a little patience. I am still hopeful as the coaching staff seemed very good and, after a full hour of running about, they were both shattered, covered in mud but happy and begging to go again.

What I don't want to do it over fill the week - school is exhausting as it is. Oldest has more homework since he started year 1 and we have reading books to do every day. I would also like to try and get swimming back in as this was during the rugby slot. It might be something I try as an afters school activity but this means swimming after work for me and I am not sure and Saturdays are already pretty full. Might have to be something we do at half terms more often. I sometimes wish my working week was 1 day less and my weekend lasted an extra day but I have to work with what I have got.

In other news the last round of contact letters has gone in and I have been offered a voluntary position with Adoption UK after which I am exceptionally excited.

Books

I love to read, books are a world where I can send myself to escape reality and forget my cares for a little while. My preference is for fantasy and science fiction but I do enjoy historical fiction as well. I have dabbled elsewhere and will have a go at pretty much anything once. I would like it if my children could learn my love of books but at the moment I am finding that school are not as supportive as I would like.

We were told, when oldest started school, that his book would be changed twice a week. It is not. He gets a new book once a week. he will read his new book lovely for the first 3 days and then after he is bored. I get it - I wouldn't read the same book twice without reading something else in the middle so would never do it 4 times in 4 days. I asked the school to change his book more often and was told that they don't have time. I was also told that he could read one of his own books. I get that - he has a lot of books and the teacher's time is not infinite. I like to read to him (I try to read to them both daily) but I am not a teacher and I am scared that in choosing on his own books that, if I pick the wrong one or something too difficult I will put him off.

Now I have a second child in the same school and, over 2 weeks in, she still doesn't have a school book to bring home. She has been asking since day 1 to read her book as her older brother does so we have been choosing a book and she has been using the pictures to tell me the story with the odd attempt at basic words (she has her letters sorted). It is hard to see that the school struggles to find time to change reading books, I can imagine resources are limited and time is precious.

We are also experimented with books in different formats. Books on paper are wonderful but both children really enjoy audio books and for in the car they are amazing! We have already listened to the Hobbit over the summer, just a little bit at a time. I found a couple more on Amazon and have saved them for Christmas presents. I have also loaded the Kindle app onto the tablet that my oldest uses and tried to load some child friendly books, they are all a bit hard for him to read himself at the moment and the ones that I have chosen lack pictures so I am hoping he will enjoy these more when he is older and a more confident reader.

For my next read I doubt I have picked a literary classic but hopefully it will keep me quiet for a little bit. Once the children are asleep.

Another new start.

Youngest started school today.

I have to spare a mention for oldest, he seems to have the rough enough of the stick at the moment as the world seems to be focused on her and he is struggling a lot. On holiday it was all about how gorgeous she was and he was an after thought meaning that we tried to make more of him but that wasn't the same to him and he was openly jealous and so naughty as a result. Once we got back it was all about preparing for his birthday and we hoped this would give him some perspective as well as reinforce the idea that he has to take turns to be the focus of attention. But now his birthday is over and the wrapping paper and cake almost finished it is all about going back to school. He just has a weekend treat with his grandparents to go so I am hoping that will help.

(The birthday celebrations were understated but happy with oldest liking all his presents and his cake. I am not sure which was his favourite between the CD player and the skateboard but he did love his dinosaurs).

Except he is going back to school and she is starting a new school. He has a new class, a new teacher and all that comes with moving up a year but the school is familiar, so is the uniform, the format of the day, the meals and even the playground. For youngest is is all new. I had to remind oldest that last year the fuss was on him when started reception but he doesn't recall that and if he does he is choosing not to reflect it to what is happening today.

They both looked really smart in the new school uniform this morning, They both had shiny new shoes, bags with no scuffs and nothing was screwed up or covered with food/paint/pen. I can't reconcile the 2 children I saw this morning with the terrified toddlers we met in January 2013. I have the photos and I have lived the last 2 and a half years but I still can put the 2 images together and conclude that they are the same children. Their Daddy took them to school complete with P.E. kits and completed homework and they went in with no fuss, excited to be there. Hopefully they will come home as happy. I am expecting them to be worn out.

Rules of Survival - The Wheels on the Car go . . . . .

As a big fan of the car over the bus or train for many different reasons we do most of our long distance in the car. I much prefer to leave when I am ready and I don't want to be subjected to other passengers in the same way I am pretty sure that they don't want to listen to me entertain my little darlings for a couple of hours.

1) Toys! Lots of small, none noise making bits and pieces from books to drawing pads (those magnetic ones) and even the tablet (on silent but the risk of sound, exceptionably irritating sound, is high). We can also pass a happy hour in the car taking it in turns to sing songs and those with hand actions are great thus 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' is popular as is 'Incey Wincey Spider' and 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. We are also getting better at I Spy, Spot It and we are trying to teach them Rock, Paper, Scissors (Lizard, Spock will come later).

2) Encourage sleep. We find that after they have eaten lunch they are much more likely to take a nap. We have stories on CD which are also conducive of a little snooze so use them where possible. Those moments of peace whilst we are travelling are treasured as they make the journey feel much quicker. As a child I was great at sleeping in the car and have kept this skill into adulthood - not great when driving of course nor when the driver expects you to entertain them.

3) Pack snacks. I learnt the hard way that anything that melts is bad and the same is true of things that can be spread all over the back of the car. Raisins might sound like a good idea but they get everywhere! I have to confess that I do limit liquids as the constant 'I want a wee wee' is also a nightmare especially when you know that you have passed the last service centre for 20 miles, the only place to stop is a lay-by and youngest will not go in a bush. Favoured snacks at the moment include mini cheddars/crackers (although there is a crumb issue), larger dried fruit varieties and

4) Plan to stop. A lot depends on how far we are travelling but I get restless after a little while in the car and the kids are no different. For any journey over 2 hours we plan to stop and get out of the car. it is great if we can stop somewhere there is the possibility to have a run around but that is not always the case so we improvise,

5) Be prepared for arrival - whether at your destination or back at home. We go camping a lot and always have an idea of how we are going to manage the first hour as we have to entertain 2 children who have cabin fever from being stuck in the car but we also have the tent to pitch and sort ready for habitation. We are helped when someone is on hand to do the entertaining bit but otherwise the toy bucket has to be easily accessible. If raining then a car dive for puddlesuits and Wellington boots has to be completed as the priority.

Not that long ago I had to use the train to London and I have to compliment the Dad sat with her toddler behind me - she giggled pretty much the whole was there (just less than hour) so whatever he had done to keep her happy and entertained must have worked and she was a pleasure to listen to. Maybe I should have asked his secret before I left the train.

I have survivied . . . .

We have returned from our holidays in one piece: tired but having enjoyed the majority of the experience.

I have to confess that the resort that we booked was awful, it is not a place I would recommend for families travelling with younger children (I can share the review I left on trip advisor if anyone is interested) but travelling with the children was an experience that I will not look to repeat until they are older. I accepted that it would be hard as the flights were not the kindest times and we were lucky that one both flights they both slept for the majority of the time and they also slept on the coach transfer between airport and resort. But the bits where they were awake they were over giddy, they hated the necessary waiting in all the booking in and security checks and nothing we brought to entertain them was sufficient, The travel home was even worse as oldest had broken his trunki meaning that he could no longer sit on it and ride about (a source of much fun on the way out).

Over the first week we learnt the hard way that the flexibility we have around meal times was not as great as we hoped. By week 2 we were feeding the children in the hotel room before we went out for evening and then giving them the choice to eat or not when we ate. Sometimes the did and sometimes they didn't but it did save a lot of stress. We also realised that all the changes were very unsettling regardless of the fun. During the fun bits everything was great but during the bits between - the showering after swimming and getting ready for the evening, the waiting for food in restaurants and the walking between things. These bits were hard work, much harder than at home. The whinging and whining got on everyone's nerves towards the end as did their inability to stop and listen to reason for even a moment before launching into a full scale paddy.

What we did find was that the children enjoyed the experiences of a new language, the were amazing at trying new foods and fascinated by the differences they could see around them in the homes, the roads and even people driving on the wrong side of the car! The did struggle with the heat at points, especially when we asked them to walk anywhere (more because they wanted to be in the pool than anything else) but the swimming was a huge highlight. I think we swam on all but 2 days of our holiday either in the pool at the resort or in the sea. Both children have gained so much confidence in the water and even youngest decided she no longer needed her noodle because she can swim without it. She did really well, I was really proud of her and I am hoping that once we get back into our weekly swimming habit she will grow further in confidence. They even had my going down the big slide, a most undignified experience but I enjoyed every second.

We did spend 2 days on boat trips that allowed us to swim in the sea (from the boat) and both children were exceptionally adventurous especially oldest jumping from the back of the boat from a height that would have concerned me! the looked for fish using snorkel masks and oldest climbed on the rocks in the cove to see what else he could find.

Next task is to prepare for the return to school as a Y1 and the start of school in reception.

We're all going on our summer holidays,

We're all going on our summer holidays,

no more worries for a week or 2.

fun and laughter on our summer holidays

where all our dreams come true.

Hopefully.

We are so close to our holiday that the cases are out and there are things in them. Not so near as printing boarding passes but slowly getting there. I am realty excited and we were doing really well until last night when smallest decided that she is now afraid of the dark. Bummer.

It came to that time - that time where I said pyjamas. The fuss started. From refusal to change, go to the toilet, brush her teeth and have a wash. I managed the bribe my way through these with stories - audio and read by me. Once all that was completed and it was time for kisses and cuddles before sleep she went bonkers. Crying, screaming, chasing us when we tried to leave the room, begging to sleep with us, for the lights to be on, for us to move her bed - she tried everything. We tried to, gently, return her to bed each time but after 40 minutes of disturbing youngest I placed her back in bed and sat on her bedroom floor with my back to her. She calmed down. Until I tried to move when her eyes popped open and the crying started again. Eventually she calmed enough to allow me to sit just outside her door with the door open. After a little while of this I tried to pull her door to. Big mistake and we started again. After nearly 2 hours she did go to sleep.

But only for a little while. Around 11pm she climbed into bed with us. We returned her a few times, took her to the toilet. we even tried to get her to settle with us but nothing worked. The next screaming fit was for a drink - water found she wanted juice. She settled for about 5 minutes and then had a paddy because we had removed the half full glass from her room. It felt like hours later she went back to sleep. It might only have been 30 minutes.

I am not sure how I am going to manage bed time tonight - I can not feel anything but absolute dread in case last night is repeated. I can plan the same calm down activities we always do before bed, stories, kisses and cuddles and the usual routine. I then have options. I can leave her door open. I tend to pull it to because she sings and keeps oldest awake. I could put a night light on in her bed room. I really don't want to get her into the habit that she needs someone in the room before she can sleep but letting her get distressed is not the answer either. My other option is to leave the curtains open a little bit more and hoping that the morning sunlight will not wake her too early.

I am hoping that this is just a phase and that she will grow out of it.