I have many anniversaries in my life from birthdays to weddings, Christmas, Easter and most are happy occasions.
Today is a sad day. Today is the anniversary of confirmation that our baby was not to be. It is the day that, one year ago, I was told over the telephone by the hospital that my baby was not viable. It is the anniversary of the destruction of all my hopes and dreams. It is also the anniversary of the start of one of the darkest times of my life.
Last week was the national Wave of Light in remembrance of baby loss and on that evening I, like many hundreds of other, lit a candle and remembered. Today I will do the same thing. Today I will allow myself the tears of grief and I will also remember how happy I was to think that I could been a mum, that I could make my husband a dad and that we could have been good parents. Today I will reflect on the changes that this has brought - the acceptance that children will not be ours by birth but by adoption and that this does not mean we will be any less as parents. It just means that we might have a harder road to walk than most to get there.
As I look back at the days that followed that dreadful phone call I remember the family members and friends that were there for me and those who have remained there since. I mourn the loss of those that were, for whatever reason, not able to be there for us but have to conclude that I am blessed with the friends that I consider close.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Confusion and family
Family, who would have 'em? you can't choose them and you can't change them no matter what you might want to do.
The last 36 hours have been pretty fraught so here is a basic outline:
10.30 my mother in law calls me a work to tell me that our 16 year old niece is pregnant. I was at work and I could barely speak, the tears came and the shaking started and a colleague had to calm me down. I know that she is a troubled young lady and I have no facts around any choices she has made or what choices she plans to make for the future but my first thought, screaming from inside me, was "HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?" It served as a reminder that this world is not fair and life can, on occasion, suck bit style.
The background to this young lady is one of running away, violent outbursts and assaults. Her boyfriend sounds like a troubled young man who has been an incredibly bad influence based on her change in behaviour from a kind, well manner and pleasant person. There are bad relationships in the family based on her choice of boyfriend and her recent actions but these are all things I have refused to get involved with.
The next question asked, in the same breath as my mother in law telling me that our niece is being investigating by social services and her fears that she will not be allowed to keep this baby, was to ask me if we would consider taking this child on. At this point words completely failed me. How could she ask me something like this? Without anything to support it except her own belief of what might happen and what she thinks would be for the best? I spent the afternoon running questions over and over - what would it mean, how would it work, what choice does our niece have and added to those any facts about the circumstances - does she want the baby, was it planned?
Later in the day I managed to explain to Andrew what I knew and his reaction was the same as mine. Luckily I managed to speak to my sister in law, the mother of the niece involved who was able to fill in the details - 9.5 weeks pregnant and not thinking about other than to go through the process of the pre-birth assessment that social services have started. Oh, and to enjoy her holiday to Portugal next week. It seems like 2 days in hospital with severe sickness and dehydration have not stopped her from going on holiday.
At the moment I have no idea what to think:
I am angry that the world is unfair
I am angry that my mother in law asked me whether we would take that baby
I am angry that my intelligent niece has been so stupid as to get pregnant in the first place
I am conflicted as to what we would do if, God forbid, social services removed the baby and turned to us
I have no answers and I don't know what to think but the time being I am staying out of it. I have refused to get involved and I have told people that I don't want updated every 5 minutes.
The last 36 hours have been pretty fraught so here is a basic outline:
10.30 my mother in law calls me a work to tell me that our 16 year old niece is pregnant. I was at work and I could barely speak, the tears came and the shaking started and a colleague had to calm me down. I know that she is a troubled young lady and I have no facts around any choices she has made or what choices she plans to make for the future but my first thought, screaming from inside me, was "HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?" It served as a reminder that this world is not fair and life can, on occasion, suck bit style.
The background to this young lady is one of running away, violent outbursts and assaults. Her boyfriend sounds like a troubled young man who has been an incredibly bad influence based on her change in behaviour from a kind, well manner and pleasant person. There are bad relationships in the family based on her choice of boyfriend and her recent actions but these are all things I have refused to get involved with.
The next question asked, in the same breath as my mother in law telling me that our niece is being investigating by social services and her fears that she will not be allowed to keep this baby, was to ask me if we would consider taking this child on. At this point words completely failed me. How could she ask me something like this? Without anything to support it except her own belief of what might happen and what she thinks would be for the best? I spent the afternoon running questions over and over - what would it mean, how would it work, what choice does our niece have and added to those any facts about the circumstances - does she want the baby, was it planned?
Later in the day I managed to explain to Andrew what I knew and his reaction was the same as mine. Luckily I managed to speak to my sister in law, the mother of the niece involved who was able to fill in the details - 9.5 weeks pregnant and not thinking about other than to go through the process of the pre-birth assessment that social services have started. Oh, and to enjoy her holiday to Portugal next week. It seems like 2 days in hospital with severe sickness and dehydration have not stopped her from going on holiday.
At the moment I have no idea what to think:
I am angry that the world is unfair
I am angry that my mother in law asked me whether we would take that baby
I am angry that my intelligent niece has been so stupid as to get pregnant in the first place
I am conflicted as to what we would do if, God forbid, social services removed the baby and turned to us
I have no answers and I don't know what to think but the time being I am staying out of it. I have refused to get involved and I have told people that I don't want updated every 5 minutes.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Baby Loss Awareness Week
This week is Baby Loss Awareness week and it the aim is to increase the awareness of the loss of all babies from those miscarried early in pregnancy to those born sleeping and those that are taken to Heaven soon after birth. 
My experience of baby loss is a miscarriage at 7 weeks. To me, it doesn't matter that I never saw my baby or held my baby or listen to a heart beat - it was still my baby and when I lost it I grieved. And I was allowed to.
At the time I felt a great deal of guilt for my grief. All around me the message was it was 'only a few cells' and it was 'not a real baby' and my grief was not always recognised as valid but I am lucky in the family and friends that recognised my grief and allowed me to grieve in the way that I needed to find acceptance of what had happened and to move forwards with my life.
All this being said I would like to share the story of my miscarriage here but as it is already on my other blog - vicfish-thelongandwindingroad.blogspot.com I have decided not to. With the anniversary of my loss less than 2 weeks away I do feel it would be too painful at the moment as I will do this properly for that anniversary.
I think, in my opinion, the most important thing is to remember that the loss of babies affects so many people that it needs to be remembered and those who have to go through this are not left feeling alone and isolated in their grief but supported in what can only be described as a life shattering, devastating event.
My experience of baby loss is a miscarriage at 7 weeks. To me, it doesn't matter that I never saw my baby or held my baby or listen to a heart beat - it was still my baby and when I lost it I grieved. And I was allowed to.
At the time I felt a great deal of guilt for my grief. All around me the message was it was 'only a few cells' and it was 'not a real baby' and my grief was not always recognised as valid but I am lucky in the family and friends that recognised my grief and allowed me to grieve in the way that I needed to find acceptance of what had happened and to move forwards with my life.
All this being said I would like to share the story of my miscarriage here but as it is already on my other blog - vicfish-thelongandwindingroad.blogspot.com I have decided not to. With the anniversary of my loss less than 2 weeks away I do feel it would be too painful at the moment as I will do this properly for that anniversary.
I think, in my opinion, the most important thing is to remember that the loss of babies affects so many people that it needs to be remembered and those who have to go through this are not left feeling alone and isolated in their grief but supported in what can only be described as a life shattering, devastating event.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A telling off.
I started my diet 6 days ago with the very best of intentions - no more eating crap, no more eating too much, more exercise and getting my 5 a day. So, when a friend offered to help and support me I was touched by her kindness. She asked me to show her my first few days food diary which I was proud of as they were heavy on the fruit and veg, not a chocolate or biscuit in sight.
How shocked was I when she called me and gave me a proper telling off? Why? Because my calorie count was, in her words, 'dangerously low'. It turns out that there is a minimum calorie intake which I need to eat in a day (1200 plus any extra for any exercise I do) and I had been so very proud of a diet that added up to less than 900 a day. Starvation mode was the thing that I was told I was doing to myself and I had no idea. Turns out that maybe I needed more from the nurse than I realised.
After I calmed down and reasessed everything another supportive friend suggested I use Myfitnesspal.com so I can track what I am eating and what exercise I am doing and it gives me my calorie intake and breaks down the food groups I need to (carbs, proteins and fats) and this has given me some more control but it does feel weird to look at my food and see that I am not eating enough although it is making me plan ahead as I need to have a rough idea of what I am doing though the day so that I am spreading food through the day and not leaving everything to my evening meal.
I am hoping that moving forwards I have the tools and support I will need to choose wisely and in support of my goals with complete control.
How shocked was I when she called me and gave me a proper telling off? Why? Because my calorie count was, in her words, 'dangerously low'. It turns out that there is a minimum calorie intake which I need to eat in a day (1200 plus any extra for any exercise I do) and I had been so very proud of a diet that added up to less than 900 a day. Starvation mode was the thing that I was told I was doing to myself and I had no idea. Turns out that maybe I needed more from the nurse than I realised.
After I calmed down and reasessed everything another supportive friend suggested I use Myfitnesspal.com so I can track what I am eating and what exercise I am doing and it gives me my calorie intake and breaks down the food groups I need to (carbs, proteins and fats) and this has given me some more control but it does feel weird to look at my food and see that I am not eating enough although it is making me plan ahead as I need to have a rough idea of what I am doing though the day so that I am spreading food through the day and not leaving everything to my evening meal.
I am hoping that moving forwards I have the tools and support I will need to choose wisely and in support of my goals with complete control.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Weight Loss
Whilst we are waiting for our preparation course I have been granted some time to take control of my weight to get a handle on it again.
I hate making these confessions as they make me feel awful but they have to be done:
current weight: 16stone 8lbs (ish)
current BMI: 37 and a bit
dress size: 20
This can not continue.
The last time I set out to loose weight I managed about 2 stone but what with the nightmares of the infertility treatments and then the added nightmare surround my miscarriage is all crept back on and brought with it some friends. I know that my BMI needs to be down under 30 for the medical world to not consider me massively overweight but that means a loss of 3 and half stone. I have been saying to myself 4 stone for so long that is seems to be the bet target to set myself. It would still put me in the over weight category but it has to be better than where I am at the moment. So, target 4 stone . . . .
And that takes time, effort and patience. It also takes motivation and support. I have asked for the latter 2 and received it is spades, something I am really grateful for. The first three are all sat on my own shoulders.
I have made the right steps - been the doctors and see the 'diet nurse' who weighed me and gave me advice. I get to keep going back to her for weigh ins every couple of weeks which means I have to do something. She has also asked me to keep a food diary which I have been doing for a few days and hope to continue it moving forwards as it shows me what I am eating and what exercise I am doing. At the moment I don't want to right the bad stuff in there so I am not eating - I never thought being made to write it down would be that much of an incentive.
My plan, in line with eating better, is also to increase my exercise which means more time and effort. So far I have decided to take advantage of my Wii and the fit board and the zumba workouts as both are things I can do in the privacy of my own home. I have also started making the effort to walk more - my husband kindly supporting me with 20 - 30 minutes every evening at a brisk walk around the village. In time my hope is that this might lead to running but that is something I am not planning on just yet.
On the plus side, I did make a start on this some time ago. When I got back on the Wii fit it told me off for not visiting for 54 days but it did then tell me that in those 54 days I had lost 5lbs so it is a good start and one I must continue.
Wish me luck.
I hate making these confessions as they make me feel awful but they have to be done:
current weight: 16stone 8lbs (ish)
current BMI: 37 and a bit
dress size: 20
This can not continue.
The last time I set out to loose weight I managed about 2 stone but what with the nightmares of the infertility treatments and then the added nightmare surround my miscarriage is all crept back on and brought with it some friends. I know that my BMI needs to be down under 30 for the medical world to not consider me massively overweight but that means a loss of 3 and half stone. I have been saying to myself 4 stone for so long that is seems to be the bet target to set myself. It would still put me in the over weight category but it has to be better than where I am at the moment. So, target 4 stone . . . .
And that takes time, effort and patience. It also takes motivation and support. I have asked for the latter 2 and received it is spades, something I am really grateful for. The first three are all sat on my own shoulders.
I have made the right steps - been the doctors and see the 'diet nurse' who weighed me and gave me advice. I get to keep going back to her for weigh ins every couple of weeks which means I have to do something. She has also asked me to keep a food diary which I have been doing for a few days and hope to continue it moving forwards as it shows me what I am eating and what exercise I am doing. At the moment I don't want to right the bad stuff in there so I am not eating - I never thought being made to write it down would be that much of an incentive.
My plan, in line with eating better, is also to increase my exercise which means more time and effort. So far I have decided to take advantage of my Wii and the fit board and the zumba workouts as both are things I can do in the privacy of my own home. I have also started making the effort to walk more - my husband kindly supporting me with 20 - 30 minutes every evening at a brisk walk around the village. In time my hope is that this might lead to running but that is something I am not planning on just yet.
On the plus side, I did make a start on this some time ago. When I got back on the Wii fit it told me off for not visiting for 54 days but it did then tell me that in those 54 days I had lost 5lbs so it is a good start and one I must continue.
Wish me luck.
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