My job this weekend was to sort my membership to this organisation and subscribe to their magazine. According to their website:
Adoption UK is a national charity run by and for adopters, providing self-help information, advice, support and training on all aspects of adoption and adoptive parenting.
We work with parents and practitioners to make adoptions succeed, promoting loving and supportive family relationships within adoptive families.
http://www.adoptionuk.co.uk/
This was recommended by the social worker we saw as well as other people we have met that have followed the adoption route and we have been very lucky that my mum offered to make this as post of our Christmas present. My hope is that I will be able to, with our membership, access their discussion boards and talk to people in the same situation as me, people who really understand and can offer guidance, advice and support. In time I hope that I will be able to return this as I proceed through the process and, hopefully, come out the other side.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Another Step Forward
Friday 18 November was Andrew's birthday.
It was also a wonderful day as this was the day the letter which invited us to the 'Prepare to Adopt' Course was typed. We received on Wednesday and today, Friday, I have returned the completed forms by email and by post. It might seem like the smallest thing but I was so very excited and for people, including Andrew, who are concerned by the lack of time I have taken to fill in these forms it has been a copy and paste exercise from the information I put together for our initial assessment appointment. I remember both Andrew and the social worker being very surprised by the amount I had collated but I pleased that I did as it has made this bit of the process so much easier.
My problem now is that there is nothing more I can do except wait for the 9th January when we can get started and try and get Andrew to read some of the books and literature I have collection in the hope that it will help us along this exciting new road.
It was also a wonderful day as this was the day the letter which invited us to the 'Prepare to Adopt' Course was typed. We received on Wednesday and today, Friday, I have returned the completed forms by email and by post. It might seem like the smallest thing but I was so very excited and for people, including Andrew, who are concerned by the lack of time I have taken to fill in these forms it has been a copy and paste exercise from the information I put together for our initial assessment appointment. I remember both Andrew and the social worker being very surprised by the amount I had collated but I pleased that I did as it has made this bit of the process so much easier.
My problem now is that there is nothing more I can do except wait for the 9th January when we can get started and try and get Andrew to read some of the books and literature I have collection in the hope that it will help us along this exciting new road.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Infertilty Etiquette
This article was posted to a forum I use and thought it was a good insight for people who haven't had to deal with infertility. I know there are a lot of people who have had at least one of the situations apply, maybe if those people read this they might think twice before speaking, I know I certainly have been on the end of a number of these situations.
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someones life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someones life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again
Monday, November 21, 2011
Weight Loss Update
I have just spent a fabulous long weekend with my wonderful husband visiting Edinburgh as well as some friends who live there. We were able to see some amazing things, beautiful places and interesting exhibits but we were also free to eat as we pleased. My favourite meal was a special treat for Andrew's birthday - lunch at The Witchery in their Garden Room. The food was absolutely fantastic and better haggis with neeps and tatties will never be found elsewhere.
Moving back to today my diet had been going so very well with only a few minor blibs but I made the choice to allow myself some freedom with the intention of starting again this morning with a new week and with a renewed vigour looking forward to my next weigh in on the 30 November. What I did allow was a Wii weigh in (something I am not allowing myself to do very often) on Thursday before we left - 6lbs lost, making my total 10lbs. I was over the moon as it showed me that my efforts were making a difference.
My plan this week is to do 2 weeks on the cereal plan - so that is cereals for breakfast and lunch and then a proper dinner. I am not expecting this to be a hardship as I do really like cereals and I have some really nice 'good for me' cereals to choose from. Once these 2 weeks are finished I will go back to my cereals for breakfast and a healthy lunch followed by a healthy dinner.
The tool I have found invaluable is myfitnessplan.com which has allowed me to track what I eat and the exercise I do as well as to make choices about what I eat - it has given me the chance to see in direct comparison the things I like and how much I can realistically eat. My conclusion from this tool is that I was eating too much - my diet wasn't awful but there was just too much of it.
My other big change has to be increase the amount of exercise I do. I am into the habit of getting up 20 minutes earlier each morning and doing a Zumba routine which means the minimum weekly exercise is 1 hour and 40 minutes and then when I have chance I do what I can in the evenings. My respite is the weekend when I allow myself at least one full day off although I don't include of of my household chores like cleaning into this.
At the moment I am still feeling very positive I might not make 2 stone for Christmas but I will still have made a dam good start at it. I am starting to feel better and my clothes have already started to feel 'too big' plus I have not lost sight on my end goal . . .
Moving back to today my diet had been going so very well with only a few minor blibs but I made the choice to allow myself some freedom with the intention of starting again this morning with a new week and with a renewed vigour looking forward to my next weigh in on the 30 November. What I did allow was a Wii weigh in (something I am not allowing myself to do very often) on Thursday before we left - 6lbs lost, making my total 10lbs. I was over the moon as it showed me that my efforts were making a difference.
My plan this week is to do 2 weeks on the cereal plan - so that is cereals for breakfast and lunch and then a proper dinner. I am not expecting this to be a hardship as I do really like cereals and I have some really nice 'good for me' cereals to choose from. Once these 2 weeks are finished I will go back to my cereals for breakfast and a healthy lunch followed by a healthy dinner.
The tool I have found invaluable is myfitnessplan.com which has allowed me to track what I eat and the exercise I do as well as to make choices about what I eat - it has given me the chance to see in direct comparison the things I like and how much I can realistically eat. My conclusion from this tool is that I was eating too much - my diet wasn't awful but there was just too much of it.
My other big change has to be increase the amount of exercise I do. I am into the habit of getting up 20 minutes earlier each morning and doing a Zumba routine which means the minimum weekly exercise is 1 hour and 40 minutes and then when I have chance I do what I can in the evenings. My respite is the weekend when I allow myself at least one full day off although I don't include of of my household chores like cleaning into this.
At the moment I am still feeling very positive I might not make 2 stone for Christmas but I will still have made a dam good start at it. I am starting to feel better and my clothes have already started to feel 'too big' plus I have not lost sight on my end goal . . .
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Foetal Alcohol Syndrome
Foetal Alcohol Syndrome or FAS is something that the social worker advised me to spend some time researching and considering when she left us a reading list. Prior to this I had not come accross this or had any understanding. I would say that I am not a medical professional so this is my interpretation of the research I have done, I would always advocate seeking professional advice if necessary.
Anyway, as I understand it FAS is caused by the mother consuming alcohol during the early stages of pregnacy - early enough stages to cause distribution to the formation of facial features but this condition also has other psychological effects including:
behavioural problems
learning disabilities
Attention deficit disorders
And it seems to affect a large number of babies born - 1 in 1000 seems to be the most common figure quoted. What also really bothers me the more I read about this condition is the constant reminder that it is 100% avoidable - all it would have taken would have been better choices made by the mother during her pregnancy. But there are also a large number of children who don't have the full blown syndrome but do suffer from the after effects of alcohol during pregnancy with lesser, but till very serious, problems.
This paragraph, taken from http://www.fasaware.co.uk/ speaks volumes to me about the basics of this condition and how it can be overcome.
Children with FASD have permanent
There is a lot of material out there to be found, digested and understood before we can decide finally whether we could offer a loving, supportive and safe enviroment for a child with this condition of any degree but I would like to say that we could offer a wonderful life to any child that is deemed as suitable to be placed with us and if that includes a child with any level of FAS then so be it.
Anyway, as I understand it FAS is caused by the mother consuming alcohol during the early stages of pregnacy - early enough stages to cause distribution to the formation of facial features but this condition also has other psychological effects including:
behavioural problems
learning disabilities
Attention deficit disorders
And it seems to affect a large number of babies born - 1 in 1000 seems to be the most common figure quoted. What also really bothers me the more I read about this condition is the constant reminder that it is 100% avoidable - all it would have taken would have been better choices made by the mother during her pregnancy. But there are also a large number of children who don't have the full blown syndrome but do suffer from the after effects of alcohol during pregnancy with lesser, but till very serious, problems.
This paragraph, taken from http://www.fasaware.co.uk/ speaks volumes to me about the basics of this condition and how it can be overcome.
Children with FASD have permanent
brain damage, which can cause them to
have a hard time learning and remembering
new things, understanding that
actions have consequences, or making
the switch from one activity to another.
The key to helping your child overcome
these challenges is to reduce the likelihood
that they will occur by maintaining
a well-structured, consistent home
environment.There is a lot of material out there to be found, digested and understood before we can decide finally whether we could offer a loving, supportive and safe enviroment for a child with this condition of any degree but I would like to say that we could offer a wonderful life to any child that is deemed as suitable to be placed with us and if that includes a child with any level of FAS then so be it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
World Prematurity Day 17 November
I do follow a couple of blogs written by ladies I have met in an online forum. One of those ladies, Kylie, writes the following blog - Not Even a Bag of Sugar http://notevena.blogspot.com/ about the birth and growth of her son. She has made the request that fellow bloggers write a post to raise awareness of premature births as well to understand better the issues that being born early comes with. I realise that this is a day early but I am off for a relaxing weekend tomorrow and will be nowhere near a computer to post this.
If I am honest I am finding starting this very difficult. Premature birth, like so many other things which come with being pregnant and giving birth is not something I ever thought I would have to worry about after we accepted that we would never have a birth child of our own but this does not mean that any child that we are lucky enough to welcome into our lives through the adoption route may not be affected by long term issues surrounding being born early. As such this brings into to focus how I can't be short sighted in the things I might need to know as I have no idea what eventuality I will end up making a reality.
As I often find that reading blogs, forums and other information about being pregnant, having and caring for babies and young children painful reminders of what I can't have I have often avoided them but never so with Kylie's blog. I find it very easy to read and the empathy with which she writes is very touching and she reminds me to look on the brighter side of life, no matter what the circumstances. I also admire the way in which she campaigns for greater awareness of the issues surround premature birth and I do wish her all the best with her efforts.
So, with my knowledge base on this issue being very limited and our future being so uncertain I think I might need to add this to the ever growing list of things that I should research.
I would like to finish this post with a thought and prayer for all babies born early and their families with the hope that they have the very best of care and will lead happy and healthy lives.
If I am honest I am finding starting this very difficult. Premature birth, like so many other things which come with being pregnant and giving birth is not something I ever thought I would have to worry about after we accepted that we would never have a birth child of our own but this does not mean that any child that we are lucky enough to welcome into our lives through the adoption route may not be affected by long term issues surrounding being born early. As such this brings into to focus how I can't be short sighted in the things I might need to know as I have no idea what eventuality I will end up making a reality.
As I often find that reading blogs, forums and other information about being pregnant, having and caring for babies and young children painful reminders of what I can't have I have often avoided them but never so with Kylie's blog. I find it very easy to read and the empathy with which she writes is very touching and she reminds me to look on the brighter side of life, no matter what the circumstances. I also admire the way in which she campaigns for greater awareness of the issues surround premature birth and I do wish her all the best with her efforts.
So, with my knowledge base on this issue being very limited and our future being so uncertain I think I might need to add this to the ever growing list of things that I should research.
I would like to finish this post with a thought and prayer for all babies born early and their families with the hope that they have the very best of care and will lead happy and healthy lives.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Reflections
This morning I am in a reflective mood as I have just spent 48 hours travelling with 3 work colleagues, one is a grandfather, the other a new father and the third who seems to have no interest in children at the present. They spent a fair bit of time sharing stories and photographs and over all it made me feel very sad. It is wonderful that people find so much joy in the children in their lives but it doesn't take away the sadness that I feel because I don't have that.
I had also made the choice to take on of the books from the reading list social services provided for me as preparation for the preparation course - a book called 'Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the adopted child'. It was a difficult read, more of a text book which made it difficult going at times but it did leave me feeling very positive. I had accepted that an child we adopted might come with problems and issues that we will need to work through but reading this book showed me that these problems are experienced by all parents whether adoptive or birth and the difference is the triggers. There are still a few issues that are specifically attributed to adopted children but this book provided tools to manage these issues as well as thoughts and reasoning behind them. I would recommend anyone looking for reading material on adoption persevere with this book as it is worth it.
Today I also re-start on a reading buddy scheme that I participate in with a local school. I take an hour away from work, in my lunch break, to attend a local school and read with 3 children each for 20 minutes. This will be the third school year that I have participated and I am really looking forward to finding out which class I will be sent to - so far I have been with 4-5 year olds and 8-9 year olds. It does highlight for me, working with lots of children from the class, the difference from those who are read to and with at home and those that are not. It makes me sad that parents can't find the time or energy to spend that time with their children as it can make such a massive difference to the child's abilities.
I have to confess though, a business trip abroad lasting less than 48 hours is incredibly tiring and the one thing I am looking forward to more than anything else is going home and getting some sleep.
I had also made the choice to take on of the books from the reading list social services provided for me as preparation for the preparation course - a book called 'Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the adopted child'. It was a difficult read, more of a text book which made it difficult going at times but it did leave me feeling very positive. I had accepted that an child we adopted might come with problems and issues that we will need to work through but reading this book showed me that these problems are experienced by all parents whether adoptive or birth and the difference is the triggers. There are still a few issues that are specifically attributed to adopted children but this book provided tools to manage these issues as well as thoughts and reasoning behind them. I would recommend anyone looking for reading material on adoption persevere with this book as it is worth it.
Today I also re-start on a reading buddy scheme that I participate in with a local school. I take an hour away from work, in my lunch break, to attend a local school and read with 3 children each for 20 minutes. This will be the third school year that I have participated and I am really looking forward to finding out which class I will be sent to - so far I have been with 4-5 year olds and 8-9 year olds. It does highlight for me, working with lots of children from the class, the difference from those who are read to and with at home and those that are not. It makes me sad that parents can't find the time or energy to spend that time with their children as it can make such a massive difference to the child's abilities.
I have to confess though, a business trip abroad lasting less than 48 hours is incredibly tiring and the one thing I am looking forward to more than anything else is going home and getting some sleep.
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