Ding Ding – Round 2

Our second appointment was this evening and this time I was a lot more relaxed – no frantic cleaning only the regular stuff that I do, done when it is normally done and a quick tidy round before she arrived. I did ask Andrew to hoover and mop the kitchen floor - one day my cats will learn to bring dead birds in after the social worker has been.

Today has been a long day, awake at 1am and after tossing and turning for a bit I decided to get up, have a hot chocolate and read my book for an hour and then back to bed to try and get some sleep which I did manage. I was still awake to see Andrew off to work around 5am and by the time I actually 'got up' for real at 6.30am I was WIDE awake and ready to go. It is a shame it didn't last much past walking into the office at 8am. 

Anyway back to the topic at hand: this afternoon the topic was out relationship. We started with when we met and went through everything you could possibly think including our personality traits, how we work together and how we manage the difficult times. It was a nice reminder that we might have been through hell but we have come out of the other side a stronger couple. It doesn't sound like a lot but it did take 3 hours.

Our next appointments are seperate on the basis that we are covering our childhoods and our homework is focused there as well. The other part to the homework is a paragraph which describes each other in terms of personaility, temperament and qualities and this is the bit I am most looking forward to writing.

 

12 is the Magic Number

This morning I caught up with Kylie on Not Even a Bag of Sugar and she had sent out a general tag to all her followers with this piece. As it made me smile on a cold damp morning I thought I would give it a go.

So the rules are
You must post the rules Post 12 fun facts about yourself in the blog post Answer the questions the tagger has set for you in their post and then create 12 new questions for the fellow bloggers you plan to tag Tag 12 people and link to them on your blog Let them know you tagged them 

 
1. I still have my Mickey Mouse toy from childhood and he still sleeps with me when I am feeling sad
2. I hate theme parks like Alton Towers
3. I love fancy dress and dressing up in general – makes re-enactment the best hobby
4. I wish I had more skill with my sewing machine
5. My Dad is my hero
6. I have never been to the circus (and I have never been trick or treating)
7. I like to sing and dance when cleaning – 80s disco is a particular motivator
8. I might complain about how much space my cats take up on the bed but I don’t like sleeping without them
9. I am a member of Ladies Circle – an international group of ladies who focus on friendship and fun and I have met some lovely ladies through this
10. I hate having nothing to do and boredom is a killer
11. Patience might be a virtue – it is not one of mine
12. I still don’t feel like a proper grown up

Here are Kylie’s questions with my answers:

1. If you were baking purely for enjoyment, what would you make? Cake, biscuits and all things sweet but my absolute favourite is a cheesecake type desert laced with spiced rum
2. What 3 songs would you take with you on a desert island? Led Zepplin ‘Stairway to Heaven’, Savage Garden ‘Crash and Burn’ and Bon Jovi ‘Living on Prayer’
3. What book do you wish you had never read? A Child Called it. A truly devastating read
4. What is your all time favourite item of clothing? My dungarees. Sad but comfortable
5. If I gave you £100 to spend today what would you buy? Something pretty for me
6. What country would you love to visit? I would love to see the rainforests of South America
7. What piece of advice would you give a child - doesn't have to be yours? Be yourself no matter what, you will never keep everyone happy but at least you will not be unhappy on the inside
8. What is your favourite chocolate? Galaxy caramel
9. Who is your least favourite celebrity? I am not a fan of judging celebrities, they are human beings at the end of the day and I don’t know them
10. When at a restaurant what part of the menu do you look at first? Puddings! Always puddings, that way you can make sure you have space for the one you like the look of
11. What is the best photo you have ever taken? I am not really a photo taker, Andrew usually takes them but I have taken some lovely photos of my cats
12. What's your favourite thing to do at weekend? Relax with my husband

And these would be mine:

1. What is the best thing you have ever made (for yourself or someone else)?

2. What is your favourite comfort food?

3. What would your dream job be?

4. Which book are you going to read next?

5. If money were no object, what item of clothing would you buy?

6. What would you say to the child you if you had the chance?

7. Which film do you what over and over and over again?

8. What would you like to see invented or brought into being in your lifetime?

9. What item of could you not live without?

10. Who would you inivte as your perfect after dinner speaker?

11. If you were to have a tattoo – what and where? (Not including those you may already have)

12. What is your most annoying habit?

I am also going to copy and offer a blanket - if you read this and fancy doing it, your tagged as I don’t actively follow 12 blogs myself.

Crash and Burn, you are not alone

Driving home this evening this song came on in the car and reminded me of so much.

"Crash And Burn"

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

It reminded me that Andrew broke my fall, Andrew flew away with me, Andrew allowed me to fall apart, he allowed me to crash and burn and he has healed my broken heart. No matter what happened I was never alone. Ever.

Home Study Assesment Part 1

I wondered about using here to record each appointment as it happened and decided that I wanted to as I expect each one will highlight different things.

This afternoon was our first appointment with our social worker and I was really excited to meet her and get on with the process - I was not disappointed! She was really lovely and went through lots of little bits and pieces. After discussing the preparation course in detail and our expectations of the home study we moved onto the pet assessment.

I was not sure how you could assess to moggies but luckily it was a tick sheet with name, age and breed plus details on character, behaviour, sleeping habits and toileting habits. I think they passed with flying colours and it certainly helped that Marmite gave our social worker a cheeky wink. The second questionnaire was the health and safety assessment and included every room in house and then the garden and was mainly full of common sense so where are cleaning chemicals and medicines kept, are knives and other sharp or dangerous things out of reach, is the house clean and all furniture in good state of repair, any trip or strangulation hazards, tools locked away and sufficient lighting as well as space.

It was also really nice to go through things that we need to do like installing stair gates, fire guards and cupboard catches so we have an idea but there are all things that will not be checked until placement so we have time to get them sorted. I was concerned that we would be expected to do them all now but this was not the case at all. There was only one question mark left with us and that was whether we needed a thermostat on the hot water system - something to be looked at in the next few weeks.

Moving on we have our next appointment in 2 weeks time but in the meantime we have homework. It has been years since I had home work to do and I can't wait to get stuck into it. This weeks challenges are a family tree and a chronology, neither complicated but I want to get as much detail in as possible.

Happy Valentines Day

14 February again, how quickly time flies past you when you are not paying too much attention to it.

This year we exchanged cards at 5.17am - when Andrew got up and had his shower before leaving for work. I was once again suitably impressed with the hand made, glitter encrusted master piece that he had spent time and effort making (although my advice for next time would be to let it dry fully before putting it in the envelope).

I really can't remember how we spent Valentines Day last year - it was a Monday and we both went to work but I can be sure that we spent it in a different way to today's plan. I was in a very different place in my own head, not a good place.

Which leads me to the plan for this evening - preparing for our social workers first visit for our first home study assessment appointment. We already spent the weekend cleaning (although thanks to my cats the kitchen floor has got to be done again) and yesterday Andrew even made a real start in the garden so I feel prepared and, for the moment, surprisingly not nervous. I know how much we have put into this process already and I have a good idea of how much more will be needed before it is over and I am ready for it.

Am I over it?

Last night I received the news that a good friend is expecting her first child. I should have been overjoyed for her. And I was.

But.

It brought back to me the fact that I will never share the news with family and friends that I am pregnant, I will never have the experience of being pregnant and I will never be able to give birth. And this floored me. I thought I had accepted this and come to terms with it but does this mean I am over it? Will I ever be able to hear the wonderful news that some one is pregnant without wishing it was me, without my first thought being why is the world so unfair. I don’t think there is an answer except to hope that time allows me to heal – mentally and emotionally and that a positive adoption experience will also help in some way.

The other decision I have struggled with when deciding to write this post was how I would make my friend feel, if she choose to read this. I didn’t want her to feel guilty for being pregnant, guilty for telling me or that I wasn’t happy for her.

I appreciate that she was delicate when she told me and she allowed me to time and space to react as I needed to. She is the not the first friend to do this for me and I do hope she is not the last but these friends are very rare (and worth their weight in gold) as many don’t spare a thought to my how my experiences will affect the way I process news like this as well as how I might react – the hardest thing to do for me recently has been trying to happy in the face of a truly excited person whilst inside my the crack that were mending in my broken heart are re-breaking. I am truly happy for her, I wish her all the best and in time, I hope I can get excited with her but I don’t want to shop for baby things with her, I don’t want to see scan pictures and I don’t need every tiny little detail of her pregnancy and then the birth – it is enough for me to know that she and her baby are happy and well.  

Preparation for Round 2 – Planning ahead.

This morning Andrew took the call to confirm that we should meet our social working in a weeks time for the first of our home study assessment meetings. It is so very exciting and, whilst I had hoped we could move on from the preparation course very quickly, I never really expected it to happen this quickly. Until I received the news my morning was flying past me in a rush of work and meetings but then time seemed to stop. I have already planned the cleaning of the house and am hoping the weather improves so we can get started in the garden as well.

The sad thing is that I have worked out that an appointment every 2 weeks means we should be finished (if there are no issues or causes for concern) by the end of May. A LOT sooner than anticipated and even adding an extra month on for illness, holiday and other emergencies this is still the end of June which is still before I would have hoped.

All these dates and weeks and time floating around my head has made me realise that I am once again planning for the future, something I had stopped doing. I am planning my birthday party for June (I will hit the big 3-0 and figured it was as good a time as ever to celebrate), I am even looking at work and thinking ahead – our team was asked to consider a secondment to a planning team for new software which would have lasted 2 years and I ruled myself out as I plan to be taking some adoption leave in that time period.

Today I also want to share a thought and a prayer for a friend. Whilst we are no longer close, we were once and she is in a bad place. Having fallen pregnant unplanned and unexpectedly she has made the hard choice to abort. I can’t imagine being pregnant with a child I didn’t plan or feel that I could cope with so I can’t imagine the pain she is in nor can I fully understand the choice she has made but in offering her my support I am reminded that everyone is different. What I want and choose for myself is not necessarily the right thing for someone else and this has to be respected. I am also reminded that making some decisions is hard: harder than you  can imagine if you have never had to make them and it might be that no one around you can understand or would do the same in those shoes but no one else is in those shoes – you are.

Fun in the snow

This weekend saw the first heavy snow of the year - we were spending it with friends in Bedford and Saturday evening was socialising and watching the flakes get heavier and heavier. We were impressed with the number of times the gritters went up and down the A1. My first reaction to the person announcing 'it's snowing' was sheer excitement and the declaration that I wanted to build a snowman. Not long after I was presented with a snowman the size of satsuma! I immediately gave him a beer bottle hat and put him somewhere safe outside until morning.

The snow does remind me of being a child - when it was fine to go out and get soaking wet and freezing cold because it was fun to make snowmen and throw snowballs as when we were finished mum would be there with a hot chocolate and once all the wet stuff was steaming on the radiators we could warm up and marvel at our creations.

So, back to this morning we awoke to a carpet of the white stuff and the excitement of running out in it and making the first foot prints in it was as exciting today as I remember being when I was younger. The nice thing was is that the friends I was spending the weekend with seemed to share my excitement and joined in the fun with snowmen, snowballs and snow angels. The biggest kid of them all was my own husband who led the foray into the cold and the wet! He was also the lead snow man builder and lead snowball thrower. It made me realise that I can't wait until he can share his excitement with our children and help them to build happy childhood memories that they can take with them into their adult lives.

I did go back to my little snowman and he was completed buried - even his little hat!

Meet the resulting snowman - a masterpiece!