Something we didn't think of when we went for contact was the aftermath and the effect that it might have on our smalls. Since then our oldest has turned into an almost Jekyll and Hyde character - one second he is the lovely, kind and well manner little boy that we have come to know and love and the next he is a monster - shouting, hitting and screaming with tantrums like I have never seen. It is hard to know how to handle him. At the moment my plan is calmly removing him from the situation and waiting until he has calmed down before carrying on like nothing has occurred. Sadly his record for longest screaming tantrum stands at about 20 minutes.
I am sure that other children have tantrums, I am sure I am not alone dealing with behaviour such as this but I have no idea if what I am doing is the right thing. People around me tell me I am doing ok but they are not around when he is having a tantrum and they don't see his bright red face, streaked with tears and his mouth wide open with screams coming out. I know my only other options are to prevent the tantrums by giving in to him or trying to talk him round but the first feels like a bad idea as he will never learn that he can't always have his own way and the second would be fruitless and I would end up getting frustrated with him.
It does feel that, with hindsight, contact has happened at the wrong time. Withing 2 weeks we came home from holiday, his little sister invaded his territory (otherwise known as pre school) and we had contact so this could be a reaction to all three rather than just the one, I just wish I knew what to do to make it easier for him to understand and deal with his anger in a more productive fashion.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Contact
Something that I had never really thought about when we started down the adoption road but have had to think a lot about since as been contact. That is the contact that our children will have with their birth families. Whilst closed adoptions used to be the norm and still occur today there are more open adoptions where children retain some form of contact with members of their birth families either directly in person or indirectly through letters and other such written communications.
Our children have some indirect contact, the details of which are still being ironed out but they do have one direct contact, their older brother. Oldest small lived with him until he was nearly 3 and they have had contact ever since they were separated. Over the last few weeks we have been asked when we were going to see the older brother so we followed this with a discussion with their social worker and arranged it.
We met in a local indoor play centre and it was a joy to see how pleased the boys were to see each other. They were off like rockets - chatting and climbing as well as encouraging each other to mischief. I could really see why they were separated and placed in different foster placements. It was amazing to see how alike the 2 boys were despite not having lived together in over a year as well as how well they got along - almost like they had never been apart. I was expecting more reservation as it has been some months since they have seen each other.
What surprised me a little was the lack of relationship between our little girl and her oldest brother. To be honest, there wasn't one. He wasn't interested in her and although she tried to play with him I think it was more because her brother was and not because she had any attachment to him. She continued to play happier with my husband and I rather than trying to following the boys. I was a little relieved as she is not big enough or quick enough for that level of rough and tumble.
As for me a part of me feels so guilty - guilty that we can't take this little boy on and keep him with his siblings. I know in my heart we can't. Our home isn't big enough and we have our hands full with the 2 we have, another child, especially one with additional needs, would be too much for us to cope with and every one would suffer. But it breaks my heart that such a lovely little boy has no forever home and could face more and more moves as well as the very real possibility of long term foster care.
My heart goes out to all those children looking for their forever homes and I pray that they can all find it.
Our children have some indirect contact, the details of which are still being ironed out but they do have one direct contact, their older brother. Oldest small lived with him until he was nearly 3 and they have had contact ever since they were separated. Over the last few weeks we have been asked when we were going to see the older brother so we followed this with a discussion with their social worker and arranged it.
We met in a local indoor play centre and it was a joy to see how pleased the boys were to see each other. They were off like rockets - chatting and climbing as well as encouraging each other to mischief. I could really see why they were separated and placed in different foster placements. It was amazing to see how alike the 2 boys were despite not having lived together in over a year as well as how well they got along - almost like they had never been apart. I was expecting more reservation as it has been some months since they have seen each other.
What surprised me a little was the lack of relationship between our little girl and her oldest brother. To be honest, there wasn't one. He wasn't interested in her and although she tried to play with him I think it was more because her brother was and not because she had any attachment to him. She continued to play happier with my husband and I rather than trying to following the boys. I was a little relieved as she is not big enough or quick enough for that level of rough and tumble.
As for me a part of me feels so guilty - guilty that we can't take this little boy on and keep him with his siblings. I know in my heart we can't. Our home isn't big enough and we have our hands full with the 2 we have, another child, especially one with additional needs, would be too much for us to cope with and every one would suffer. But it breaks my heart that such a lovely little boy has no forever home and could face more and more moves as well as the very real possibility of long term foster care.
My heart goes out to all those children looking for their forever homes and I pray that they can all find it.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Holidays
We have returned from our first family holiday - it has been a crazy week and much as we have had some fun I a not sure I want to repeat it. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I went but I am also pleased to be home. We stayed in a gorgeous house with stunning views and easy walking distance of plenty of things to do locally.
We wanted to have so much fun, to see so much and do something all the time and I think we forgot that they are still toddlers - they don't have limitless energy and being in a shared house which is unfamiliar with other people as well as sharing a bedroom with each other will not lead to a good nights sleep. Bed time was our most challenging time as their routine says that they go to bed at the same time but this meant that they kept each other awake with giggling and laughing. The same was true of the morning - whoever woke up first woke the other one up meaning one had less sleep that they needed. We did try a couple of different things especially in light of the events of the week but I have to confess that nothing beats being a home and them sleeping in their beds.
Sadly our youngest small was poorly with a tummy bug which meant we were house bound for 2 days whilst still trying to make sure that eldest small had the chance to get out, see things and burn off some steam.
Our other nightmare was a tumble - oldest small and I tripped each other up and ended up worst for wear although magic cream, a plaster and half a bag of jelly beans worked to calm him down however I can't help feeling a bit guilty in case it was my fault and I keep asking myself if I could have caught him and stopped him banging his face. In the heat of the moment I didn't even realise that I was hurt, all I wanted to do was comfort him and make sure he was ok.
I think our best day of the week was the second day - a trip to a local farm which also housed lots of different toys from outside ride ons to old fashioned games and a giant ball pool. Not a pool of large balls but a massive room filled with balls so deep you could swim in them! My husband reverted to his inner child and had a wonderful time. The whole day started with muddy puddles and wellie boots and just got better and better.
Other memorable moments include oldest small 'swallow diving' fully clothes into the sea - he was so wet we had to pour the water out of his wellies and wring out all his trousers and socks. We also went on a dragon hunt around Tintagel - a truly beautiful place which I would love to visit again when they are older, have longer legs and more tolerance for the wind.
In other news we have received a court date for the adoption hearing - 3 months away but I am sure time will fly past us.
We wanted to have so much fun, to see so much and do something all the time and I think we forgot that they are still toddlers - they don't have limitless energy and being in a shared house which is unfamiliar with other people as well as sharing a bedroom with each other will not lead to a good nights sleep. Bed time was our most challenging time as their routine says that they go to bed at the same time but this meant that they kept each other awake with giggling and laughing. The same was true of the morning - whoever woke up first woke the other one up meaning one had less sleep that they needed. We did try a couple of different things especially in light of the events of the week but I have to confess that nothing beats being a home and them sleeping in their beds.
Sadly our youngest small was poorly with a tummy bug which meant we were house bound for 2 days whilst still trying to make sure that eldest small had the chance to get out, see things and burn off some steam.
Our other nightmare was a tumble - oldest small and I tripped each other up and ended up worst for wear although magic cream, a plaster and half a bag of jelly beans worked to calm him down however I can't help feeling a bit guilty in case it was my fault and I keep asking myself if I could have caught him and stopped him banging his face. In the heat of the moment I didn't even realise that I was hurt, all I wanted to do was comfort him and make sure he was ok.
I think our best day of the week was the second day - a trip to a local farm which also housed lots of different toys from outside ride ons to old fashioned games and a giant ball pool. Not a pool of large balls but a massive room filled with balls so deep you could swim in them! My husband reverted to his inner child and had a wonderful time. The whole day started with muddy puddles and wellie boots and just got better and better.
Other memorable moments include oldest small 'swallow diving' fully clothes into the sea - he was so wet we had to pour the water out of his wellies and wring out all his trousers and socks. We also went on a dragon hunt around Tintagel - a truly beautiful place which I would love to visit again when they are older, have longer legs and more tolerance for the wind.
In other news we have received a court date for the adoption hearing - 3 months away but I am sure time will fly past us.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Me time and a change of scenery
I feel like I am neglecting my blog a little bit at the moment and I am sure I will be forgiven but this evening I was thinking about who I am writing for. The answer was always me. It was my way of recording my thoughts, feelings and the events in my life so I can look back on them and remember as well as sharing them with the people I care about.
Something that have been playing on my mind recently is how I find 'me time'. It is something the social workers insist me finding time for this and I have to rely on Andrew to take over so I can manage it but this week he has been an absolute star. Yesterday I got the whole day to myself to go shopping with some friends and today I had the morning to have a haircut and go to the opticians. They might sound like mundane things but they are not things that I want try and do with 2 toddlers. It has helped so much as it has reminded me that I am me and not just their mummy. Don't get me wrong, being their mummy is the best thing in the world but I am still me.
What really surprises me is how much I miss them when I spend the time away from them and how much time I spend wondering about what they are doing and if they miss me at all. Walking back into the house to see their smiles and hear them calling me brings me so much joy that I never expected. I try not to spend all my time talking about them and yesterday I banned myself from looking at anything child related which was the right thing to do.
Something that we have to look forward to is a complete change of scenery. We are going on holiday. Only for a week and only to Cornwall but it is still a holiday and I am still really looking forward to spending a week just enjoying spending time doing what ever we want - no housework, no jobs and no worries. Andrew can show me some of the places he spent his childhood holidays and we can start making some memories of our own.
The only thing I have to do before we go is to get the paperwork requesting a court date for the adoption order in the post.
Something that have been playing on my mind recently is how I find 'me time'. It is something the social workers insist me finding time for this and I have to rely on Andrew to take over so I can manage it but this week he has been an absolute star. Yesterday I got the whole day to myself to go shopping with some friends and today I had the morning to have a haircut and go to the opticians. They might sound like mundane things but they are not things that I want try and do with 2 toddlers. It has helped so much as it has reminded me that I am me and not just their mummy. Don't get me wrong, being their mummy is the best thing in the world but I am still me.
What really surprises me is how much I miss them when I spend the time away from them and how much time I spend wondering about what they are doing and if they miss me at all. Walking back into the house to see their smiles and hear them calling me brings me so much joy that I never expected. I try not to spend all my time talking about them and yesterday I banned myself from looking at anything child related which was the right thing to do.
Something that we have to look forward to is a complete change of scenery. We are going on holiday. Only for a week and only to Cornwall but it is still a holiday and I am still really looking forward to spending a week just enjoying spending time doing what ever we want - no housework, no jobs and no worries. Andrew can show me some of the places he spent his childhood holidays and we can start making some memories of our own.
The only thing I have to do before we go is to get the paperwork requesting a court date for the adoption order in the post.
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