Something we didn't think of when we went for contact was the aftermath and the effect that it might have on our smalls. Since then our oldest has turned into an almost Jekyll and Hyde character - one second he is the lovely, kind and well manner little boy that we have come to know and love and the next he is a monster - shouting, hitting and screaming with tantrums like I have never seen. It is hard to know how to handle him. At the moment my plan is calmly removing him from the situation and waiting until he has calmed down before carrying on like nothing has occurred. Sadly his record for longest screaming tantrum stands at about 20 minutes.
I am sure that other children have tantrums, I am sure I am not alone dealing with behaviour such as this but I have no idea if what I am doing is the right thing. People around me tell me I am doing ok but they are not around when he is having a tantrum and they don't see his bright red face, streaked with tears and his mouth wide open with screams coming out. I know my only other options are to prevent the tantrums by giving in to him or trying to talk him round but the first feels like a bad idea as he will never learn that he can't always have his own way and the second would be fruitless and I would end up getting frustrated with him.
It does feel that, with hindsight, contact has happened at the wrong time. Withing 2 weeks we came home from holiday, his little sister invaded his territory (otherwise known as pre school) and we had contact so this could be a reaction to all three rather than just the one, I just wish I knew what to do to make it easier for him to understand and deal with his anger in a more productive fashion.
I'm sorry to hear you and little one are having a tough time.
ReplyDeleteI do think you're right that it's likely to be a combination of events. It's very early into placement for that much upheaval, any one of those events would have been unthinkable for our daughter at that stage, in fact a year in we still haven't taken her on holiday and are looking at a week off for some nice day trips. It does sound like things have been quite busy since placement, perhaps slowing things down a little overall might help?
When our daughter was having a lot of problems with extreme tantrums, we were advised to let her rage it out, make sure everyone was safe (with our daughter that would often involve restraining her, and we'd sit her on our knee and keep her with us to make sure she couldn't hurt herself or us) and always stay in sight. After that sort of blow out they're very vulnerable and emotionally just a baby. We were advised to offer as much comfort as you could after the blow out, as that is when they are very young, and meeting their needs for cuddles, love, reassurance, is very good for building attachment. Often a cold cloth for her face, or a drink, maybe with an ice cube in, will start to raise a smile.
We were advised to acknowledge that she was having a bad day, rather than pretending it didn't happen, and I think that works well with our little girl when she still blows up, now 2 1/2 but pretty advanced developmentally in most ways. She often doesn't understand why she feels odd, just that she does. We just say we think she's having a wobbly day, and we can see she's upset, and offer lots of love and reassurance afterwards. Normally I'll try and have quite a lot of structure on those days, alternating between something very active to run off steam, then something quite quiet and relaxing like reading.
She still doesn't get what she wants from the tantrum of course, but we try to be sympathetic to it. I keep her very close on those days.
I hope you manage to find something that works for you. I understand what you mean about it's not normal tantrums. Our daughter has been like that for an hour or more in the past, in a complete rage, and it takes a lot out of her.
I hope you manage to calm things down a little soon.
Best wishes,
Ilyssa