During a 'tidy up with a duster' yesterday I found an old journal that I last wrote in over 18 months ago: it was started long before I decided to keep my thoughts and experiences online. I shocked myself reading back over the pages to see how desperately unhappy I was, how angry I was with the entire world and how bitter my experiences had made me. It really hammered home how different my life is today and how much has changed.
In a nutshell I have:
- had 2 birthdays, both very different occasions
- been to 2 wedding and 2 christenings
- seen at least 5 friends fall pregnant and have their babies (I have lot count)
- said goodbye to 2 family members and a friend
- gone through the adoption assessment process and approval
- welcomed 2 children into my world
The last has been the biggest thing but today I took a snapshot of me and compared myself to the me of 18 months ago. I feel like a different human being. I am certainly happier but after the recent announcements of pregnancy around me I wonder if I am any less bitter? I hope so. I have finally been able to hear the news and feel true joy first, not the angry jealously that used to over come me. Am I still sad that I can't experience pregnancy and child birth? A little bit. Will that ever go away? I don't know. Do I want it to? I am not sure. I think we are defined not only by our successes and our strengths but also our weaknesses, disappointments and our hardest times. And those years of infertility and miscarriage were the hardest of my life so they have served a purpose to make me the person I am today.
And that person is grateful for the children that I have. No, they did not come to me by the normal way. No, they were not teeny tiny babies when they entered my world. They were older and came with their own baggage which will take time and effort to work through but they are my children. I love them and I hope that they love me. And that is enough.
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