Nerves

Next weekend we are going to back to try something that we haven't been able to do in over 18 months.

　

Contact. 　

After repeated requests from oldest we agreed to talk to social services and find out about the status of his older brother and whether they could see each other again. We had to stop contact because of a court review and contact between the older brother (still in foster care, lets call him BB) and their birth mum. Our concern was that this contact was unsupervised and that the children were old enough to know their surnames, school name and address - all details that we didn't want to be shared. 　

Fast forward to today and the contact team and BB's social worker have been great. They have provided me with as much detail as they can - there is still contact and it is still unsupervised but there is no risk that he will return to her care and will remain with his foster carer - the same lady we met previously and got on really well with. They gave us some advise as to how we could move forward and offer to support us so we felt that we could make a date to see BB again. 　

Oldest has been told that we have booked this and he can see it is written on the calendar on the kitchen wall. He has started to get excited about it and, from correspondence with the foster carer, BB is also excited. It serves as an excellent reminder that my children have another family out there and that they are naturally curious about that family and have an interest in the people that formed a part of their early years. We have a plan for a short meeting, over food, where the children will not leave our supervising so that we can steer conversations away from topics and information that can't be shared. There is no point saying to a 7 year old 'don't tell him . . . . ' because that would be the first thing out of his mouth. After that we will see how it goes as to when we see him again. 　

In all this I have not mentioned youngest. I don't even know if she will go and meet him as she has no relationship with him and no interest in seeing him. I think that, if she goes, it will only be for the food. 　

All this doesn't take away my nerves. My anxiety. My concerns.

All I can do is enter into it with an open mind. an appreciation of how oldest is feeling as well as his needs in terms of identifying himself and the people that are important to him. I will always support him in this, regardless of how I feel about it and hopefully it will help as they years go by. 　

　

In other news both smalls are making great progress with their rugby - oldest has started playing proper matches, he is working really hard with the rest of him team and the improvement is amazing, Youngest is also improving and recently enjoyed minor success of being the best tackler when it came to tackling the practise bags, so much so that she had to demonstrate to the boys. 　

A Formal Occasion - time to count some blessings

I do love a good wedding. This weekend were privileged enough to be invited (as a family of 4) to the wedding of my 2nd cousin. 　

As much as I was excited to attend I was also very nervous, this was the first time that the kids had done a traditional wedding from start to finish. They have been to 2 evening receptions and wedding weekend but never a traditional church wedding followed by wedding breakfast and evening reception. I was worried about them getting bored, getting hungry, being tired, wanting to run about and generally making a nuisance of themselves. 　

The run up as pain free - oldest loved his new trousers, waistcoat, shirt, tie combo with a smart coat over the top. Youngest was as much fun as a doll with a new dress, sparkly shoes, tights and cardigan. Both were brilliant with wearing their respective Christening gifts - necklace, bracelet, watch. They even let me do their hair, loose curls for youngest and spiky hair gel for oldest. 　

They were even good on the car drive down - 2 hours into London to the hotel where the reception was and where we had a room booked. On arrival I was prepared enough with snack and drinks (nothing that we could get messy with) which served 2 purposes - entertainment and prevention of hungry in the short term. Meeting family was also a time waster until the bus arrived 　

I have to confess the Bride and Groom had thought of everything - a red London bus to the church in the centre of the city which meant the kids had a great time and required little entertainment. The church bit was not so easy. We decided to go with the easy escape option of sets in the back row (I think my cousin's mum would have preferred us nearer the front as family but we apologies and went with our option) and once again my kids surprised me. We had another snack waiting for the service to start and I took the easy option of electronic games devices for the boring bits. They were quiet, the stood up at the right bits, showed interest in the best bits - entrance of the bride etc and were generally brilliant. At the end, register signing and a few photos I had ready a mini packet of love hearts and a lot of relief. 　

Back to the bus and once at the hotel we were distracted booking in and looking at our room followed by drinks, canapes and some colouring sheets that I had packed. Oldest did a portrait of the happy couple which I hope they liked (they had orange faces as there was no pink crayon). Minor involvement in photos was another distraction as was getting them to find us on the seating chart (A Big Bang style periodic table) and they were allowed to borrow various cameras from various people to take photos with. Going in for the wedding breakfast led to another surprise - activity packs that were amazing and included activity books, disposable cameras and other bits that entertained between courses and during speeches. One again I was very grateful as they were brilliant. 　

Next task was a return to the room, toy swap and refresh before back to the evening bit. Oldest sat to the table with this tablet and played quietly. Youngest switched from dancing, playing on her tablet and eating from the buffet at all times being as good as gold. 10pm came quickly and they were rewarded with sparklers, it was bonfire night! After that we decided not to push our luck any further and they went to bed with very little fuss, not accepting that they were tired but it was tantrum free. Sleep claimed them quickly. I listened to the band until they finished and then slept. 　

Sunday dawned early, for all that they were hours late in bed the lie in lasted 30 minutes! 　

Cartoons were a godsend for a while but hunger was the moving so we got up, sorted and headed for breakfast and that was when things started to go a little bit wrong. They wanted to be up and down to the buffet, not an option with the hot food and people carrying coffee about. They ate with much messing about and they tiredness was starting to show so we were as quick as possible and, saying our farewells we escaped and headed for home.　

I am lucky (and very grateful) that they were great for the important bit, annoyed with myself for underestimating how challenging breakfast might be. Sunday afternoon was hell but an early night and school should help. Now I can look forward to the next one.

A good start to the term.

Last week we celebrated the time old tradition of parents evening. Once again we ventured through the breach and onto school property for 2 meeting, each lasting 10 minutes each - one for each child. The school hall was full of parents and there were tables with the teachers waiting for us like predators waits for its prey. 　

We sat in the first waiting area, looking over the school books that were on display. Oldest looks to have been working hard, there was lots of green and plenty of smiley faces, always a good sign. The teacher was free, we were summon to the table and, luckily, she smiled! The evening was on the up! He has been working hard, improving in all areas and he is meeting the expectations that are set by whoever sets the whole school curriculum decides. 

He is a pleasant child in class, they are no obvious behavioural issues (yet) and there are no concerns. The relief was overwhelming. Of his teacher I would say a lot of good things including her willingness to take time to listen to us, to try and understand some of our concerns and also to help him with little things like a pass to the chill out club at lunch times whenever he wants to go. Usually children are given a ticket when play time gets too much, he doesn't need to wait for the ticket but can decide and take himself when he feels he needs to. A real passive step forward. 　

As we were concluding our conversation we were aware that teacher number 2 was watching intently - we were late for her table! Never a good start as we hadn't reviewed youngest books, they were still sat on the table waiting for us! 　

We thanked teacher 1, quickly switched books and moved over to the next table. This was wasn't quite as smiley. This one was the one we were slightly less nervous about. Youngest has always tended to be the more compliant, the less challenging and overall a bright cookie. She still is a bright cookie, working ahead in her phonics and reading but meeting expectations elsewhere in her school work. It felt like we were being lulled into a false sense of security. We were, She has been in trouble for interfering with other children. Not a massive surprise based on her behaviour at home but we had hoped it was limited to her brother. Seems like not. Her teacher is acting according to school rules, youngest will learn and that is all we can do for the time being (other than speak to her about it, which we did). 　

Walking out of school it was like a weight had been lifted and we are hopeful for next time, traditionally the second hardest of the year (after the first half term of the new year). We don't have to worry about parents evening again until the summer.

Book Review - A Forever Family by John Houghton

It was a freebie book that I picked up at Adoption UK's volunteers day and not usually one that I would choose but I figured I would give it a try as it might be valuable without being as full on as a text book (my usual adoption themed reading material). 　

It is the account of an adoptive father - he and his wife adopt a sibling group of 3. This book tells their story of managing the confusion that social services can be, the nightmare of living with an abused child who then turns to being the abuser resulting in the placement breaking down and the oldest child being returned to the care system. 　

Whilst this is not something I would usually choose I struggled to put it down and read in just 3 days. Part of me was wishing for a happy ever after but at the same time I knew it would not the case. It is well written, objective where possible but incredibly emotive with the author sharing openly his hopes and dreams as well as his fear and devastation. Whilst is presents a very realistic view of one family's experiences from one perspective it recognises that it is just that - one experience and not a reflection on all adoptive families. 　

Is it worth reading? Yes. By potential adoptive parents? Yes. If nothing else it shows worst case scenarios that they might need to be prepared for and it might inform on some choices like accepting a sibling group or accepting a child with a history of abuse. Being armed with this ha to be in the best interests of all involved and might be helpful in preventing adoption breakdowns.

Sticks and Stone

'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me'　

I think I have proof that this statement is not true, words can be really hurtful. 　

But, stones can be a nightmare as well. 　

Yesterday I arrived home after a rough day in the office. I figured I had some time to spend with oldest before collecting smallest from Rainbows but I walked into the house to see Nanny with a face like thunder. When he refused to tell me what he had done, she had to. The crime? Throwing a stone at a passing car. 　

My heart sank. 　

The driver had stopped, reversed and got out to check the damage and luckily there wasn't any and luckily he was reasonable and accepted when oldest was made to apologise to him. 　

If could have been a lot worse. 　

If I am honest I am really glad that it was Nanny who dealt with this one. I can't decide how I would have reacted and I am pretty sure daddy would have been livid and it would have ended in a lot of shouting. 　

The next question we pondered after a very subdued little boy was safely tucked up in bed was what should the consequence be? I am not a fan of the word punishment but for actions that are this severe there does need to be a consequence. No sports club or Beavers? Doesn't work for me as this clubs are there for really positive reasons. No friend for tea? But that punishes his friend and that isn't fair. Is there any argument for the shouting he got from nanny and being made to say sorry to the drive was enough? I really don't know.


I wish that the whole parenting thing came with an instructions book.

Selt-Awareness

It has been some time since our children had direct contact with their older sibling. Our choice as we wanted to preserve the security of their placement and based on the conditions under which the older sibling was functioning at the time. Looking back I posted in May 2015 about the situation. 　

However, as our oldest has got a bit older and a lot more aware of himself and his surroundings he has decided that he wants to see his sibling and is repeatedly asking questions like 'how is he', 'where is he', 'when can I see him', 'does he care about me'. To all of these I have had to answer that I just don't know. Because I have no idea. Since we ceased the direct contact and asked social services to keep us up to date in case we could go back to it we have heard absolutely nothing, 　

It feels like a common failing that different teams that deal with post adoption support and children in a care setting (foster or otherwise) just do not communicate with each other, Add the contact team with whom no one talks and you have a triangle where the points are just not joined up. And it is just not helpful. 　

But, bearing in mind that I promised eldest that I would try I did call the contact team, explained our situation, position and history and I asked for her to help me more forward. She promised me that she would and I am hopeful. She has never let me down before. 　

And she hasn't. I am now waiting for a different social worker to call me to discuss.


My worry is that adding to other conversations about birth family contact might not be the best plan. But I can't prove it without trying it and trying it might be catastrophic.

A conversation, part 2

It has taken me some time to get my head around my conversation with my oldest earlier last week, mainly because it took me completely by surprise. I wasn't expecting him to start questioning me about his birth family and his past until he was much older, maybe when he moved to secondary school. I have always promised myself that I would honest with the children, it is their history and they have a right to understand what happened to them and why but it is really difficult to make that story age appropriate. 　

The weird thing is that he keeps coming back to the conversation every few days, adding a bit here and there and asking for a little more information as well. He realises there are letters and wants to know what their content is, he doesn't want to see the letters. He keeps telling me that he remembers her which I find hard to believe as he hasn't seen her in nearly 4 years and since then he has seen her photo once. He doesn't want to see it, he has a memory book detailing his life for us, we have never hidden it from him but he doesn't want to look at it. 　

He has also realised that the statement 'I want to live with (insert name)" is a button pusher. It hurts my feelings and no matter how I try to hide it he has realised and can now use this against me whenever he is angry or in the mood to hurt me. 　

My other concern is that these conversations have caused real distress for youngest. She really isn't interested and gets really upset whenever oldest starts making it even harder. At the moment lots of cuddles and affection are the order of the day so hopefully that will reassure her that she has nothing to worry about. 　

Being an adoptive parent is really hard, harder than I ever imagined. Would I change it, not for the world but sometimes I wish life could be a bit simpler and I feel guilty wishing for that.

A conversation

Mummy, I have been to the dinosaur park before. 　

You have but not with mummy and daddy. T+D took you a long time ago. 　

I came from T+D's tummy　

No, no you didn't. They were your foster careers and you lived with them for a little while before you came to live with us.　

So whose tummy did I come from?　

Her name was {insert name}　

Your friend from work? 　

No, not my friend from work,. the are lots of people who share the same name. 　

Is she dead?　

No darling, she isn't dead. 　

How do you know?　

Because I get letters from her, she cares about you and wants to know that you are doing ok. 　

Why didn't she want me?　

She did want you but she was poorly so couldn't look after you. 　

But she gave me away　

She didn't give you away, you were taken away from her so that you would be looked after properly. 　

Listen, grown ups sometime have children that they can't look after properly and so social services have to find thoise children homes where they are looked after. 　

OK

Earning it

Once we had moved into our new house I decided that I wanted the children to take an active role in the daily tasks that need to be done in order to keep everything ticking over and our home a nice place to be. With that in mind I started a new jobs board. A frame with string across it, little pegs and small decorated envelopes each with a task or job written on it and a coin in it. 　

Each job is either daily, weekly or ad hoc and each comes with an amount towards their pocket money. The idea is they help, they earn. They don't help then they don't earn and have no money at the end of the week to buy themselves something. I have tried to keep things age appropriate - feed the cats, put away clean washing, keep bedroom tidy, sweep kitchen floor etc and have made it as visual as I can. I worked it out that they could each earn up to £7.50 a week - a reasonable sum when you are 5 or 7 years old. 　

The first 2 weeks went so well that they had enough to buy themselves a toy, an excellent success but one that needs to last as long as we can make it. 　

I am really careful about the jobs on there - there is no way I would expect them to clean out the cat's litter tray or empty the bins. I am also not expecting them to do ironing, anything to do with the washing machine or tumble dryer nor would I ask them to clean (with products or chemicals) or hoover. But, once they are older then some of these jobs may fall inside their abilities and be included. 　

I guess it will evolve as they get older and I would never expect them to do everything but I do want them to learn that if we all help each other then we can keep a lovely home and have time to do things together. At the moment it is a positive way to reward kind helpful, behaviour and we have also added a couple of homework and reading based tasks to support their school work and to provide incentive for something that they find tedious and boring. 　

I know that some people question why I am 'paying' my children to help around the house and I appreciate that it might look like that but they were so used to their foster carers doing everything for them that it is a hard cycle to break. It also reinforces the lesson that in order to buy them nice things mummy and daddy have to go to work to earn the money that we need to have the nice things like new toys. It is what we have to tell them when they get upset that we are at work and not home with them all the time. It is also a valuable life lesson for the future - nothing is given for free, it all has to be earned.

I have survived . . . .

Life seems to have taken over and this blog seems to have fallen by the wayside and for some reason I feel guilty about ignoring it. So, in the interest of time and attention span I will be brief. 　

Events that have occurred since I last blogged　

* school holidays, usual degeneration of behaviour that improved on the return to school　

* the return to school, new year group, new class, new adventure　

* house move (from 3 bed semi to 4 bed detached with double the floor space but a slightly smaller garden)　

* 2 camping trips with the children and 1 without them, they had a weekend with Nanny and Grandad　

* A 7th birthday including party and BBQ　

* Our 9th wedding anniversary 　

* 3 activities for my voluntary work with Adoption UK　

Sometimes it is enough to sit back and realise that you have survived. That is how I am feeling at the moment. 　

I have survived. And I am ok about it.

Therapy

For some weeks oldest has been in play therapy and it seemed to be working wonders, his behaviour was improving, he was more responsive and less aggressive and we were hopeful. Then there were bank holidays and we missed weeks and things took a turn and everything went awful for a little while. He was fighting at school, biting other children and even spitting. Going to collect him at the end of the day was turning into a nervous wait as we hoped the teachers wouldn't need to report a new incident to us each day.

The he had his next play therapy appointment. His therapist was amazed as he was finally able to show her just has tightly wound up he always seems to be, it is like his is constantly deciding between fight or flight and it means he is really volatile in they way he behaves. She finally understood why we have struggled with him and why we insisted that we needed support with him. I could have sung Hallelujahs when she said this to me after his last session.

I was lucky that I did manage to get him to open up to me one afternoon. After a truly terrible day at school he came home in a foul mood so I explained to him that mummy was sad and that his cuddles would help, He sat on my lap and snuggled for about 10 minutes. I told him that I knew something was making him grumpy, that he wasn't going to get into any more trouble (he had enough of that at school) but that I wanted to help him to be happier. We talked about hurting other children, how it made them feel (he knows it makes them sad) and how it makes him feel - he was able to tell me that it felt good, he felt big and strong (I interpreted that to mean in control). I asked why he hurt them and the answers kept coming back to him trying to get them to do as he said, he wanted to be in control of the game/activity.

It felt like a breakthrough.

We cuddled some more and I talked to him gently about nice plans for the next few days and then we moved on to the next thing (he reading book, tea and then Beavers) and he seemed a lot brighter but it remains with me that I don't know how to help him with his disparate need to be in control of absolutely everything that he can be in control of. I know his early life was chaotic and that he was completely out of control and that this is impacting him now. We do give him as much control as we can - he controls what clothes he wears (within reason such it being a school day), he controls whether he eats or not and we try to let him choice meals as much as possible. He chooses what teddy he sleeps with, his PJs, bedding, towel, flannel. It is hard to give him control when his routine is is security blanket and whilst we have some flexibility we still need to stick to it as much as possible.

At the moment it feels like all we can do is carry on doing on what we are doing and hoping that the therapy helps the more sessions he attends. I just want him to be happy.

Party Time

It has taken me a little while to write this because at the time I felt genuinely hurt and rejected.


We celebrate another birthday last month, round 4 since the smalls came home (over 3 years ago!) and it wasn't as great as I had hoped. Everyone who up nice and early so smallest could open presents before school with a plan that once I got home from work we would have cake as a family and then she could open presents from other family members. It wasn't that great because she decided she couldn't wait and by the time I got home everything had been opened and it left me feeling pretty rejected plus awful for asking her to wait because I have to work.

In the end, after a few tears (mainly mine) we did have cake (just a little plan chocolate cake before the Frozen cake she will share with everyone at her party) and candles and we played her new 'telling the time' game before bed time. My evening was then spent putting a couple of Lego kits together (I am loving the Disney Princess range and want some for me to play with).

The party day was one of those where a week is needed afterwards for recovery. Everything was sorted - hall booked, bouncy castle arranged, cake being made by Grandma, invites were sent some weeks ago and this last week we made sure we have covered everything from food to music to decorations. I was feeling organised. I spent Friday evening (along with a local support group meeting for adopters) making sandwiches.

In the aftermath I also remembered that the next round of contact letters are now due and so my next task was to write them which I have done and they have been posted off.

A Miracle Worker?

A little over 3 months ago oldest started a 20 week course of play therapy, an option identified by our social worker when we asked for support with his behaviour and emotional immaturity. With a diagnosis of attachment disorder as well we embraced the course with a hope that it would, slowly, turn the tide and allow us to improve the home environment for all 4 of us.

12 weeks in and I am sure his therapist is a miracle worker.

He has an hour a week with her, just him, where he can play with what ever he can find and there are very few rules but he controls everything about the session (within the rules and allowance of time). Whoever takes him sits in the waiting room until his session is over. We were expecting progress to be slow, halted at times and we even expected regression at points and whilst we have seen regression the progress has been so much quicker than we expected. At home we have noticed a real difference in his ability to stop and think for a second before he explodes in a raging temper - sometimes this is all we need to reason with him to negate the severity or even stop it before it starts. We still have bad days: tiredness seems to be the factor that magnifies everything closely followed by hunger but these are getting fewer and less regular. I am really proud of him.

He has also been able to articulate that his sister is often the recipient of much of his anger. He doesn't know why and I doubt he will every full understand why but this is still a huge step forward for him,

It felt like such a breakthrough when he answered the question 'what do you want to achieve in Y1' (asked by a teacher at school) with 'I don't want to angry when I am cross'.

1 step forward, 2 steps back

It has been a few weeks since oldest started play therapy and, if I am honest with myself. I thought that it was really helping.

Last week was the last week of term and a challenging one as routines changed around grandparents who usually do school runs being on holiday. It meant that we used after school club (not an issues as they both enjoy it) more and I took time off to collect them. They coped amazingly well, so well in fact that on Friday I took them out for dinner and made a big fuss over how well they had behaved and how much I appreciated the fact that they had been so good and so helpful.

Friday evening concluded with a great evening for oldest at Beavers and bed. I, for the first time in many months, went out with some friends to an 80s night for a few drinks and a dance. I had a fabulous time.

Saturday morning dawned and everything changed.

He got out of bed like a bear with a sore head hell-bent on destroying everything and anything he could.

We had planned a weekend away at my parents which included a trip to a local theatre to see a production of a favourite story 'We're going on a bear hunt'. Youngest loved it to the point of tears when it ended because she didn't want it to end. Oldest sat stoic through it all barely cracking a smile, refusing to acknowledge when he was spoken to. I have no idea whether he even watched what was happening on the stage. Sadly he continued and I felt awful when it came to us going out for the evening leaving my parents to babysit.

Sunday morning he woke us with a temper that sleep had done nothing to improve - he has demanded to sleep on the camp bed in the room with us rather than in the small bedroom on his own (a reverse of how we usually have them when we stop over).

The drive home has to be on of the worst we have ever had. Oldest went from screaming because he didn't want to leave to sulking. He then got giddy, egged on by youngest who really has worked out how to push him buttons. After three quarters of the way home he demanded to stop somewhere for tea. We refused. We explained that his behaviour hadn't earned stopping where the golden M hangs (what he really wanted!) and that he could have something to eat when we got home. The giddy turned to anger and the shouting started - 'you will stop and buy me food', 'I am not going to do as I am told until you give me what I want' and variations of the above. All shouted through gritted teeth with as much anger and aggression as he could manage. Youngest thought this was a great game and joined her voice to his,

10 minutes of this and something in me snapped.

'Please stop the car'

My husband did so at the next layby.

I got out, opened the back door and calmly asked the children to exit the car. The refused, in hindsight they knew they had crossed a line. I explained to them that it they were going to continue to shout and scream at us they were not being in the car with us. I was no longer prepared to be spoken to with such rudeness and such a lack of respect. I undid oldest's seat belt and lifted him from the car and placed him on the grass verge. My husband undid youngest's seat belt and moved to her to where I could reach to remove her from the car. I explained to them both that there behaviour was unacceptable, that we were not there for them to shout at, scream at and demand things from. I stated that, with no compromise or bargaining they were not getting back into the car until the behaviour stopped (as well as the tears that had now started).

Eventually they got back in the car and we had a quiet 20 minute drive home.

Bed time was another matter. Youngest was quiet, compliant and apologetic. Oldest was defiant, rude and out to try and reassert some control over us.

I accept his need for control but he is a 6 year old boy and I will not allow him to grow up thinking he can have whatever he wants whenever he wants it regardless of any external factors nor that it is acceptable to shout and scream at people in order to get his own way.

After the dust has settled.

Now that the dust has settled I can reflect on a much better holiday period than we have managed before.

I think we can attribute our successes to the following:

1) lighten up on food

We let them eat their advent chocolate straight after finishing breakfast and were less strict on Christmas Day etc about what they ate and when. It is only for one day so they had what they wanted on their plates and the only rule was that if they took it from the serving dish then they had to eat it unless they didn't like it. Some meals didn't even happen - they were asked if they wanted something to eat and if the answer was 'just a biscuit; then that it what they got especially when larger meals had already been eaten.

2) Alternate activity days.

One day out, one day of calmer things so they were taken bowling, to a theme park, to a soft play centre but never 2 days in a row. We broke activities up with at home days of craft activities and things in the garden. Doing thank you letters, going on bug hunts and colouring in are great quiet activities that seem to work for us.

3) Keep the bed time routine as much as possible.

We have worked out that routines are the backbone of coping and it is when the normal routines are gone that havoc ensues. It also worked during the day. Instead of asking them to go catch up on sleep we let them take their brains out in front of a film on the sofa or had some long story times.

4) Let them find their own space.

I think sometimes I expect too much of them, especially when there are people everywhere and things are a little bit different so this holiday I let them have extra time on their tablets, I let them them run around the garden when it was reasonably practical for me to let them do so, I let them be alone when they wanted to be and gave them one to one time when they asked for it.

It does feel like that they have a better idea of what to expect so there was a lot less anxiety surrounding what was going on around them.
Hopefully next year will be even better!

Epic

That is the only word that I can use for the tantrum that we faced last night, It has to be the worst we have seen in the 3 years that the smalls have been with us.

The frustrating thing is that it could have come from a number of things or nothing at all.

It seemed to start when we declared time on Wii games because he was getting really frustrated but there was a minor paddy when he did his spellings and he got 7 out of 8 (still a great score as they were hard spellings). It continued because he couldn't decide what story he wanted and escalated because he didn't get the CD story he wanted either. The screaming (full on proper screaming) started. No tears but stamping, shouting, growling, running up and down the stairs, door slamming and throwing himself about went with it. We decided to approach this calmly and returned him to his bedroom each time saying we will talk to you when you calm down. This ended up with him pinching, slapping, pushing and trying to bite us. We were told to 'go away'. 'leave me alone'. At one point he even tried to push us down the stairs. It took him a full hour to dissolve into floods of tears and then calm down enough to listen to us, to accept a cuddle and them to settle down in his bed for sleep.

In the cold light of day I can add things to the list of things that might have unsettled him enough for last nights tantrum - his sister is having her friend for tea tomorrow, he started Beavers last week and he started play therapy on Monday. It could be too much all at once, But it could have been something at school or nothing at all except being tired. At the end of the day we have to set down boundaries that include tantrums are not the way to get what you want. We are trying to let the little things go, to give him choices and allowing him to make decisions but I am starting to question whether we are doing the right thing.

In other news we are returning to our house move plan - we are getting back on the market and hoping for a buyer so we can find a bigger property with 2 essential additions - another bedroom so that the smalls can both have a big room and there is no jealous because one has a bigger room than the other and a second bathroom so I can have a shower in peace. Fingers crossed.