Boisterous

I am dedicating today's post to oldest small as it is his behaviour that is worrying us. The word that his pre-school room leader uses is 'boisterous'. I am so scared that he is being labelled as the 'naughty boy' as he really isn't. At pre-school they have removed him a couple of times for behaviours such as pushing other children but mainly for not listening and for not being quiet at times when quiet is required.

I have spent the week racking my brain as to that what the root cause of his issues might be as he is not a naughty child, he is not an unkind child and I refuse to believe that he would ever knowingly hurt someone else. The things that I have been through -is he hungry? His behaviour seems to take a turn for the worse in the afternoons. His lunch box is always full to bursting, I would rather he bring food home that be hungry so he takes:
sandwich (2 slices with ham, cheese, dairylea, jam etc)
cheese (a cheese string or a babybel)
2 pieces of fresh fruit
a dried fruit something (raisins, fruit winder etc) or a cereal type bar (nutragrain or harvest bar)
yoghurt or pot of custard or rice pudding
drink
and he rarely brings anything home and when he does it is usually a piece of fresh fruit so I am pretty sure that he can't be hungry (bearing in mind his preschool give him a snack of bread sticks and fruit plus either milk or water mid morning).

So, my next though was what is different for him and my first answer - his friend goes home. Since he started preschool he has developed a close friendship with one boy and they seem inseparable however he only does mornings where as K is there for 3 afternoons. Is he angry because his friend is not there? I am pretty sure that he is, especially when I look at his reaction to this friend's mum when she collects him.

So, how do I help him? I don't know, I know that his friend will be start doing 2 afternoons a week in January but at that time we will also be increasing K's hours to full time as I am returning to work and also to get him used to the hours before he starts school so I am not sure. I just want the world to see what a lovely little boy he is.

Everything.

This weekend is a another milestone moment for us as a family. It was also the first chance to really celebrate the children's perminant placement with us with our closest family and friends. It as our children's Christening.

We made the decision early on that once everything was legal and sorted we would have the children Christened and that we would make it the day of celebration that we would share with our family and close friends. The invites went out some time ago and we booked and bought all the necessaries. Saturday night I was a mess, I barely slept worrying about what I had forgotten, what might go wrong, would people get there ok and whether the children would enjoy their day. After all, the day was theirs firstly and ours as a family as well. In that vein we had themed the day around the Gruffalo as both children love both the books and the films.

We managed a quiet morning, we tried to keep excitement to a minimum knowing that over giddy small people never really ends well for us but once we started getting ready it was hard - both children looked so beautiful in their special outfits and I have to say that my concerns of behaviour were unfounded as the behaved so well all day, despite the excitement.

The church service itself was lovely, the church was full of familiar faces, all of whom the children know and have built relationships with. We were also incredibly lucky with the Reverend who officiated the service, a very child friendly lady who made sure the service included the children. Youngest small did really well and oldest only had one moment as he didn't really want water pouring over his head, he knocked the Reverend's hand away so she went to plan B and drew a cross on his forehead instead. He did so well carrying his own candle though.

After church we moved on to a local pub for the next bit, as well as the children's favourite bit: presents - I never excepted such presents as the children received and the kindness and generosity of the people surrounding us never fails to amaze me. Their bedrooms are now filled with some beautiful keepsakes as well as very personal gifts that they can treasure. There was the normal buffet and then I did a short speech, something I had thought about but not really practised, afterwards I had to go round and apologies to everyone who I had made cry. We had so many people we wanted to thank and it seemed like the right and proper place to say them.

I will carry with me a few very special memories:
- holding my daughter at the font as she was baptised
- seeing my husband hold our son at the font as he was baptised
- watching my son carry his candle down the church
- seeing the children play with their last set of foster parents
They were so confident and so different from the children who moved in with us nearly 9 months ago and I was proud to tell the closest to me that they were worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every moment of desperation, every second of every appointment and every piece of paperwork that I have been through since the day we decided we wanted a family.

By the time we got home we were all exhausted. But happy. The day was everything we could have dreamed it to be and I hope the children will carry their memories forever.

Past, present, future.

3 years ago I lost something very precious to me.

It feels like such a long time ago, I look back at the blog post I wrote directly after:
http://vicfish-thelongandwindingroad.blogspot.co.uk/2010/10/highs-and-lows.html
and it feels like it was written by a robot. The posts after this one were so full of pain, anger and hopelessness. I feel like a completely different person sat here today: my life certainly it completely different to what it was and anything I could have imagined back then.

I made a conscious choice to look back at those posts and remind myself of how my life have changed since I wrote those words and I have to remind myself that although it felt like my life was over: it wasn't and I have moved on from those awful days. My world is a better place.

But, would my future look like this if I had not had the experiences of my past? Of course not. I am a stronger person for my past, I appreciate my present and I look forward to the future that lays before me.

Today I remember the past, not with the over whelming sadness that I used to but with a calm acceptance that without my past I would not have my present and my present is a wonderful place to be.

Celebrations

Today was our Celebrations Hearing at court. We got all dressed up and headed off in plenty of time and we were delighted to meet the 2 social workers who had worked with us through the process at the doors and they had brought the children a balloon each - Monsters for oldest and Princesses for smallest. The love them. After a short wait we were shown into a proper court room and the greeted a 'real judge' with a wig and everything.

The children were presented with certificates and invited to sit in the big chair as well as trying the wig on. They loved it and so did we. We have some nice photos to remember the day which we will always treasure.

The rest of the day included he arrival of one set of grandparents, a special lunch out at a local Chinese restaurant, the children ate so much I have no idea where they put it all! After that it was home to enjoy the sunshine and the garden before ending the day well with lots of cuddles all round. We also received an early christening gift of some amazing Hunter wellington boots and socks from some good friends - I am almost ready for terrible weather so they can wear them.

It does feel like a fitting end to the adoption process. I know that legally they have been adopted for a little while now but that felt like normal day and today felt a lot more special as it was actually about them and included them. I know that life continues as normal but today was special and always will be.

Fostering to Adopt

This is a new concept that the government seem to be really keen on at the moment and until attending the focus group last week it wasn't really something I had given much thought.
I had originally thought it referred to existing foster carers and a way to make adopting a children already in their care easier (something that I feel would have great merit and be of great benefit to the children and the carers) and it turns out I am sot of wrong. It is a lot more than that and I am still struggling to get my head around how it can be implemented. At the end of it all it looks good for the children but not for always the 'parents' which can't be a good thing.

I was asked the question: would I foster a child on the off chance that I might be able to adopt that child? My response was no. I would not take the risk that the child was removed from me and placed elsewhere which is the biggest risk of the fostering to adopt scheme.

I should add, foster carers have my utmost respect. They have to bond with the children in their care at all times knowing that they will be moved onwards and that saying goodbye is one of the main reasons fostering was not an option for me. Saying goodbye to a child I loved, to a child that I was attached to and emotionally involved with would be too much for me.

Strangers in the Night

Or on a train. Or anywhere.

How do you approach them?

This week I have been making an effort to sort the necessary contact bits for the children. Mainly putting into place another direct with their older brother but also starting a relationship with oldest's paternal half sister's adoptive parents. Wow, that is confusing to me and I know the relationship. So oldest's birth father has a little girl who was adopted earlier this year and we need to establish indirect contact with her parents.

How? I am struggling. The contact is via email. It doesn't need to be monitored by social services so we are have been passed an email address and told to get on with it. I have no idea if they are expecting my email or how they feel about indirect contact with us. In my mind I am not sure what oldest will gain. He has never met this little girl nor will he know her as his sister but he might want to in the future which suggests to me that a 'pen pal' type relationship built over years might be the way forward.

But it leaves me with a dilemma, how much information should I share? How much do I want to share and how much do I want to know about them? I have kept my email devoid of specifics to a certain extend as it seemed like the best way to write it. I have also kept it pretty short. We have not been given any advice as to how frequently we should email each other- the agreement we signed states ad hoc.

My last question of my first email to them was to ask them what they wanted from contact. It might be that they don't want contact at all, I don't know them or their little girl.

I will now await a response.

Future Improvements

I have been privileged to have been invited to sit on a panel of adopters and those preparing to adopt through the same adoption agency as part of their focus group which will then feed into their audit. I was really surprised to get the invitation especially as it is just a very small group of people.

Today I attended, it was a small group with very different people who have all adopted children at different ages and with different needs but we shared one thing - the system we went through to get to where we are today. It was refreshing to be able to be positive about the good points, constructively critical of the parts that we not so good and to realise that some of the negative parts were shared by other people and with any luck this audit will mean improvements for others going through the process.

My over riding memory of today will be the auditor. An external contractor but one who shared her story with us. It was so similar to my own until one point. She decided not to go ahead with the adoption assessment half way through. At the of the session she commended us for our dedication to the children and, more privately, she advised me that our story (which she has seem from our files) had really touched her as it started so similar to her own.


I can't end at that as we have had a great return to school, potty training for smallest has been a great success and she has decided that she can manage at night without nappies and so far, so good. Today we have also returned to the hairdressers - the first time I have taken them both at the same time, on my own and they were amazingly behaved. It makes me wonder what else I am putting off because I think I can't cope when actually I can. It reminds me that I need to have more faith in them and myself.