Counting those blessings

The last few weeks I have been feeling pretty rubbish. I have been letting things get on top of me and I was losing the fun a lot. Almost completely.  This is my selfish moment to moan. To write it all down and to get it off my chest, I can then pick myself up, brush myself off and get on with enjoying the life that I have been blessed with.

My children are children. Normal children. They don’t always listen. They don’t always eat nicely. They shout at me. I shout at them. They don’t always place nicely. They have tantrums. They throw toys, break things and mess about. They are jealous of each other and they both want to be 100% the focus of all attention, all the time. There is only 1 of me.

My marriage isn’t perfect, Andrew and I don’t always see eye to eye and I am good at sulking which means we don’t talk. We are both stubborn and have the capacity to be pig headed. We both avoid doing things in the hope that the other person will.

Working full time with 2 children to look after is exhausting. I feel like I spend my week chasing round making sure they are in preschool at the right time, that I am at work on time and that I collect them on time and from the right place. I struggle with being late, I get really anxious about it and this is really wearing me down. I always try and start each day fresh but when sleep is lacking it is hard.

I am a human being and I get jealous. Since 2014 dawned there have been 7 or 8 births around us and I am jealous. I love my children and I wouldn’t change them or they way they entered my world but I wanted a birth child and I doubt that will ever leave me. Finding out that I have a genetic mutation has nailed that coffin lid firmly shut and the hammering reminded me.

But.

My children are children. Normal children.  We are not experiencing much different to other parents providing we stick to our routine. Outside of t his comfort zone we only have ourselves to blame.

 Andrew does support me. He helps around the house and the garden and he will do the shopping when I am work and he is not. He does what he can, when he can and makes a valid point that he is not a mind reader – if I don’t tell him then he doesn’t know.

I have a job. A reasonably paid job with a flexible team leader who has supported me and doesn’t make a big deal when I am 5 minutes late and end up cutting short my lunch to cover it.

I am healthy, ok I am over weight and loosing it would do me no harm but I am healthy. I can play football with my children, I can chase them, pick them up, cuddle them and tickle them. I have a genetic mutation but it will not kill me. At least, not in the foreseeable future.

 
I have a lot to look forward to. We have plans to go places, to see things and visit people. My little boy is going to 5 in a couple of months and we are working towards a party for him. He will then start school. Before that I have my own birthday to look forward to.

I need to count the blessings that I have and try to work round everything else. Insanity is not an option. Today.

Support Network

Something that was stressed a great deal during out preparation and assessment for becoming adopters was our support network. Who was it? Where was it? Could we access it easily? The social workers were not wrong and I have needed my support network more than I could have imagined.

Take this week for example.

Nanny had oldest as he was too poorly to go to school. I felt terrible as I thought I should be taking the day off work to look after him but if I did this every time I would have no annual leave left and it would mean more child care arrangements during the school holidays. She also, kindly, took him to the doctors for me for the same reason and at the time I was really uncomfortable about it. I am not even sure why. There were no problems; he was safe, well cared for and happy. He did have a moment when I left him but that is not unusual and I put it down to the change in his usually routine.

Next the weekend. Separating the children for things is something that we are trying to do more and more – we have found that smallest gets her chance to shine as she is no long overshadowed by an older brother who answers to her and tries to her help all time as well as sometimes acts like the parent in telling her off and shouting at her – things we are trying to discourage. We also want to give oldest a chance to do the things that he is old enough to do – sometimes things that she is still a bit too little for.

This weekend was the first time we really tried this for any length of time. On Saturday I went for a girlie day out and took smallest with me – we did some shopping, had lunch out and generally had a lovely day. She was beautifully behaved and enjoyed herself and the attention. This day allowed my boys some time. They did some food shopping but it allowed oldest to get into some cooking and baking (both things that he really enjoys). When I got home he had enjoyed his day but he was angry with me for leaving him behind. His behaviour showed it.

Sunday we tried again – this time I was on my own so reliant upon the grace of Nanny (again). I would never have managed on Sunday without Nanny who supported me taking them swimming and allowed me to focus on oldest a little more. The afternoon was smallest at Nanny’s (there was make up involved) whilst I took oldest to a birthday party with his friends. I know that is not quality one to one time and I know that I need to spend some with him but it was nice to see him enjoying himself with his peers and being well behaved at the same time. I also made a massive fuss as he coped really well when he didn’t get a turn at pass the parcel – something that caused a major meltdown only 12 weeks ago. I was also very proud of the way he is able to sit and eat nicely. It is sometimes hard to see how good the good bits are until you have a direct comparison. My son eats just about anything and does well with cutlery. I am proud of him for that.

Next weekend the children get to visit the other side of the family – mine. I find it much easier to ask my parents and sister for help.  Maybe because they are my family and I know them better – my husband says the same, that it is easier for him to ask his parents for help. That being said I did another talk for a prepare to adopt course and it was one of the points that I really tried to hammer home. A good support network is essential. I would have really struggled without mine.

1500 Kids and Counting

I have been watching this series on channel 4 with interest; it shows much of what we saw during our journey through the adoption system but also some insights into the ‘other side’ of it all.

 Episode 1

The focus upon the birth families left me really divided. For one lady my heart broke. It felt like she had tried so hard to get her son back, to do everything that social services asked of her and still her son went for adoption. The other family, the gentleman (I use the term loosely) spent so much time shouting, swearing and generally being unpleasant to the social workers that I had no sympathy for him, only for his partner who seemed resigned to accept the situation. The third family shown really highlighted the problems faced when the NHS and social services don’t work together – something that happens more often that I think is realised.

Episode 2

I enjoyed hearing the perspectives of the social workers involved, I sometimes forget how much they invest in the children they are responsible for and just how much they care. Seeing the social worker’s desperation to find loving homes for the children she was responsible for and then her elation when adopters came forward was really moving.

I was also pleased to see how the foster carers were portrayed as they also invest huge amounts of time, energy and love in the children in their care not only taking them in when are they incredible vulnerable but also in the preparation for the live ahead of them. We were lucky in the foster carers who prepared our children (something I have discussed before) but I have heard of cases where this has not been the case.

Episode 3

The focus turned to the transition between the foster carer and the adoptive placement and this was the bit that I could relate to most – it wasn’t forever ago that I lived it. I remember all too clearly walking into a stranger’s house to meet to tiny, frightened children who had no idea what was going around them. I remember feeling terrified that they wouldn’t like me that we wouldn’t bond, that everything would fall apart. The excitement was also very real. Watching the excitement from the children and their new parents were fabulous but the foster carer’s sadness was also apparent as their charges moved onto their futures.

 I do hope that this series has highlighted the benefits of adoption, the need for adopters to consider older children (despite the added difficulties they can bring) as well for those people considering adoption to take the plunge and go for it.

School Places

I am over the moon at the moment as we have received confirmation that we have a place for our oldest at the primary school of our choice – it is such a relief. We had investigated all of the schools local to us – we talked to other parents, looked at website, visited the buildings and talked to the staff and made the choice on what we thought was best.  

-       Single year group classes.

Lots of the schools around us are smaller village schools and the majority run mixed year group classes (some freely admit that the mix the children based on ability so the brighter younger children are in with the older children that need some catching up). This terrified me as there will not be a school year between our children and I would hate for them to be in the same class as each other.

-       Location

We have chosen the school closest to us. Great for practicalities like the school run, not so much so when you consider the location of the pre school but we figured it was only for a year.

-       Some of his friends from pre school will go with him

We know that the transition will be traumatic for him, we expect it to take him a lot longer than his peers to settle but we are hoping his friends being with him will be helpful

-       The facilities

It felt like a lot of the schools were very similar – nice bright classrooms covered in art work and learning aids, tables and chairs, playgrounds of both grass and concrete, a hall. None of the local schools have a kitchen onsite for school meals so no  matter where he attends these will be shipped in.

The most important thing for us was his choice. We tried to keep him included and he came to every visit. He had a brilliant reaction to the school he will attend and the Head. There was a school which he had an extreme negative reaction to which we also took into account.

I am hoping that he has a positive experience of school, fingers crossed that he remembers his first few days as happy ones.

Peace and Quiet (code name Operation Grandma's sleepover).

It is the middle of the Easter holidays and another first for us.

We are at home and our children are at Grandma’s house. We went visiting to celebrate their wedding anniversary – a whole 35 years! I am so impressed. Anyway, they offered to look after the children for a couple of nights to help us cover the Easter break from preschool and because they love spending the time with them. What is means for me is that I have 2 days of work when Andrew is at work where I don’t have to worry about getting the children ready to be anywhere. I just have to sort myself out and get myself to work and in the evenings I just have to look after me. What I also have is a day to myself whilst Andrew is at work and I have a plan.

Cleaning.

 At least that was the original plan. It quickly changed to some shopping and some crafty stuff. Mainly updated my much ignored scrapbook and making some cards. The things that I struggle to do when they are at home.

It is weird, I miss the children lie crazy but the time to myself is so precious and plan to enjoy every single second.

Forwards and Backwards

With the start of the Easter holidays and a long awaited and needed break from school upon us we have so much planned.

Looking back to my second attempt at Mothers Day I have to confess that it was a bit of a let down. My husband worked a 12 hour shift so I did as any other Sunday, took the children swimming with this grandparents. We had brunch at a nearby supermarket afterwards and the afternoon was spent enjoying the sunshine in the garden. I then cooked tea, played some more, did bath time and my husband arrived home in time for story time and bed time. The only difference was the little pile of cards that the children had made along with a lovely key ring that oldest has made at preschool plus some face cream. Might not be overly glamorous but well needed and gratefully received.

Today, another Sunday, has ben much the same but the cooler and windy weather has meant more inside play and The Little Mermid on DVD. I am really looking forward to tomorrow - the only day over the next 2 weeks that I have booked off especially to spend with them and I have plans to meet a friend and do something - what we do will depend on the weather as we hoped for a day on the farm and some sunshine but we shall wait and see what the morning brings.

I am also really looking forward to visiting my parents next weekend - we are going to try again at letting the children sleep there on their own plus the Easter Weekend itself as we have a couple of fun days booked with various friends - something I always appreciate.

On another note I have been asked to offer support, advise and comfort to other potential adopters by friends as well as our social worker. I am happy to try and help, as much as I can: I just hope that I can.

Keep your fingers off it, leave it alone

You know it doesn't belong to you.

I feel like a broken record at the moment and this is all I seem to be saying to oldest. He is forever touching - he touches everything he can when we go shopping, if there is something different on the side he has to pick it up and he does the same when we are at other people’s houses.

 The last week has seen 2 incidents;

1)     A razor! He went into a bathroom he was told not to, he had a climb and found a razor. He cut his hand with it. Cue many tears, lots of tissues and a plaster plus a stern talking to about touching things that aren’t his in rooms that he has been asked not to go into.

2)      Last Sunday morning he went to the toilet at a friend’s house. When he was longer than expected I went to check on him to find his hands covered in blue. After my immediate panic I worked out from the smell that it was blue nail varnish. A glance around the bathroom brought into reality that not only was it over all his hands but also the floor, a white wicker drawer set and the sink. A bottle of remover later and the worst of the damage was gone but there had to be a consequence so we left after making him apologise.

 I am so scared that one day he will touch something and cause himself serious harm which means that we surely can’t leave him unsupervised at all – not going to the toilet, not playing in his bedroom or playing in the garden. But, if we do this we are giving him what he craves, undivided attention all of the time. It means youngest looses out when both children are with just the one of us. Plus what implication does that have for her safety.

We have made a real effort to make our environment as safe as possible – the garden is secure and no tools can be reached, everything medicinal is out of sight and out of reach, we have the stair gate for the top of the stairs, scissors are kept away, the kitchen cupboards and drawers all have child locks, the cleaning chemicals are locked away but we wouldn’t and can’t expect this when we are visiting so what do we do? Keep him supervised? If we do that we never give him chance to earn our trust. But in the meantime I am terrified of what he might get his hands on.

 It is hard and the image in my head is of him stood, in his pyjamas, showing me his bright blue hands and saying ‘I didn’t touch anything’