Are you there God? It's me, Victoria.

Every so often Andrew and I will have a discussion that leads me down the path of thought. This week my thoughts have been trigger not only by conversation but also a trip to the cinema to see 'Wrath of the Titans' (a decent action film for those who don't want to think too much). This week I have been thinking about God.

One of the elements in our PAR (Prospective Adopter's Report) includes our views on religion as it is important for adoptive children it is important that religious beliefs are supported as this is considered to be a vital part of the child's identity. It started me thinking what my religious background might.

I went to a Catholic school yet I am not Catholic, it just worked that way. I choose to get married in a Church of England church. My Grandma is a Methodist. My mum took us to different churches when we were younger based on where we lived but that stopped when I started to play hockey on a Sunday morning.

What I can say without any shadow of doubt is that I don't actively practise religion.

My studies always told me that religion was a huge cause of conflict, not only historical but also in the present day. My common sense tells me that no matter what any one believes we are all the same, equal and have the right to believe whatever we choose - whether than be in a 'God' or other all powerful being or whether in nothing at all. 

Which leads my thoughts to the question do I believe in God? In any shape or form. A piece of me would like to but I struggle to reconcile it with the image of a God that is supposed to love me. Surely an all powerful being that loved me would not have made me suffer the nightmares that I have nor would it allow for the terrible things that happen to good people. I know the theological debate would last an eternity but I though religion was supposed to be very personal and had to include a leap of faith. I know that in times of adversity some people turn to God for supportive and find comfort in the idea but in my hour of desperation I found that was angry with 'God' and consistently asked the question 'why me, what did I ever do wrong'?

I also found the hardest thing to take was people saying to me 'it has all happened for a reason'. There has to be a damn good reason for some one to be put through infertility and then miscarriage and if that reason is that we come to adopt and lives are made better for it then maybe I will find acceptance of this statement. For now it remains on my top 100 stupid things to say to some one in my position.

Whatever I think I know that I will be able to support and educate any child in their choice of religion but I want to make sure that it is their own choice: not forced upon them by me, their birth family, social worker or any one else.