This weekend as been absolutely manic. First a wedding - I love weddings. It is a wonderful time for friends and family to celebrate the love that 2 people have for each other. Friday was no exception. 2 lovely people very much in love and the day was a celebration of that love in a way that was very personal to them - the perfect ingredients to a wonderful day.
I do hope they have the happiest of long lives together.
After a flying visit to visit my parents and Grandma it was time for the next special occasion - the Christening of a friends' son. I sat in the truly beautiful church surrounded by so many happy families and felt really sad. It was wonderful to see my friends with their beautiful son but still I have to deal with my own sadness.
I was really sad that I will never have a day where I can take my child, introduce them to all my friends and family and have a 'naming ceremony' (whether we choose a christening or a non religious naming service) as I will not name my children. They will come with names as well as other parents. I listened to the service which spoke of how families were blessed with children and tears formed as I wondered why I was not blessed. Why we have to struggle and suffer when some families can have 2, 3, 4 and often even more children but we can't have any at all. We have to prove ourselves good enough to parent children damaged by their own birth parents.
People often tell me we will be better parents for our experiences but better than what? Better than who? I don't want to be a perfect parent and I don't want to be a better parent than someone else I just want to be a parent, a Mum who can love her children unconditionally but above all I want to be a normal Mum with normal children and a normal family and that will never happen.
I love these special occasions but do find them hard as they remind me of what I don't have, what I can't have and what I will never have.
You can and will have many special occasions I am sure, once you have come through this long and seemingly never ending process with social services etc. Once you have a child entrusted to your care then you can still have a 'ceremony' to celebrate you all coming together as a family and all those who know you would be over joyed to be part of that ceremony; religious or secular. Hang on in there. It WILL happen. I only ever wanted to be a 'normal' family, staying married to the man I loved and had committed to but it wasn't to be. If that had happened I would never have met all the wonderful people I count as good friends within the civil war society. It would have been my 31st wedding anniversary this week and I reflect on that with some saddness. Life isn't what I planned - it is very different but it is good.
ReplyDeleteI really do sympathise with this. Christenings are extremely hard, even though I never intended to Christen my children, it's just such a clear reminder of what you can't and won't have. Two of my closest friends had a baby last year. He was due just 10 days after my last baby would have been. The first time I saw him was incredibly hard, it's always extremely emotional. He's nearly 9 months old now and he's a beautiful, happy, smiling baby, and I can't help thinking about what our child might have been like if we'd had the chance to raise them from birth, and all the things I'm missing out on. While I'm very honoured that my friends have asked me to be their son's Godmother, and I love him more probably than I'll ever love any child other than our own, I also know that his Christening is going to be a very hard day, although his parents know that too and are very kind to involve me with their son when they can, and give me space when it's too difficult.
ReplyDeleteI hope to celebrate our children with friends and family when we have the celebration ceremony at the Court and get the Adoption Order. I hope that will be our special day for our child or children.
I hope the rest of the assessment goes by quickly for you, and that you don't wait too long for a child. The waiting is the hardest. I've found it tougher than IVF in a lot of ways, just because you don't have a definite time scale by which point you'll have your "yes or no", and there are so many additional complications and worries for your potential child, but I'm hopeful now that things will work out in the end.
Take care,
Ilyssa