Sad. There is no other word for it and i can’t even put my finger on exactly why I am feeling so sad.
Everyone is still sleeping, last night was a bit of a late one but I don’t seem to be able to find sleep. I keep forgetting how hard some things still are and I head towards them like a steam train pretending that everything is ok – that I can be the adult and that by now I ought to be used to it all. And then I it smacks me in the face. I can be as blasé about things to other people as much as I want but it doesn’t work on myself. For some reason I can make myself believe.
Last night was a big family meal – 3 generations around a big table and the 4th in obvious ‘readiness to launch’. It reminds me that the 4th generation is being born and I am still without, I am still waiting for my ‘next generation’ as well as the very real fact that it might never even happen. It feels like another smack in face of all the positivity I have tried to armour myself with. I guess I need to remember that no matter how good it is, there is chink in every suit of armour.
I does not help that I constantly remind myself that I wouldn't wish my circumstances on anymore else, they are still shoes I don't want to wear.
I also had a conversation earlier in the week with my Grandma – she has her own worries and there is not much I can do except listen and support when I can. But it struck me to my very core when she spoke of how excited my mum is to visit my cousin’s babies, how much she is looking forward to seeing them, playing with them and just generally being around them. There is no reason why she shouldn’t but, quite frankly, it hurts me to hear it as it should be my children she is excited to see. And it’s not.
For some being childless is a choice, a valid choice but for others it is a never ending nightmare and whilst it is wonderful to see the joy that children bring it is bittersweet and it hurts my heart.
No words ever make it any better hun, but huge hugs. Take each day at a time and hope that the next one will be a better one (that's the only way I can deal with it at times)
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm here if you need me.
Suzie xx
Hi Victoria, I am following all your posts and I am really sad to read this one today. I feel it is perfectly ok to remind your close friends and family that you do not want to hear about others babies, children and families. But they will not necessarily stop as they do not know how this affects you.
ReplyDeleteContinue to believe that one day, you and Andrew will succeed and will achieve your goal. It needs time (yes I know this must be the most hated word of all) but there is nothing more than what you are doing. You are on a new long road but with patience and positiveness you will get there. Take care, Delphine
These situations are always tough, and often other people simply don't realise. Because miscarriage is relatively common, there seems to be an idea that you "get over it" in some sort of indeterminate time, be it a few weeks or months, but in reality there will almost certainly also be a certain amount of grief. Being surrounded by other people's children, and especially by pregnant women, has always been the thing I've found hardest. I found it got easier when I started being more honest with people about how it made me feel. People should understand that you can be happy for them but cry for what you don't have at the same time.
ReplyDeleteSome people will just assume that because you want children, you must love hearing about theirs too, without really thinking things through. It doesn't hurt to let people know that you find it hard.
I also found that once we were approved to adopt, a lot of people assumed that everything was suddenly OK. It isn't really that simple at all, and you can't just wipe out years of trying to have children and multiple losses, that will always be there, although like you, I hope that this will be balanced out by the happiness we get from the adopted family we hope to have.
Best wishes,
Ilyssa