Friday finally and I am feeling really rotten this morning. I am tired and have about had enough. There was another announcement last night on facebook and I feel like it was the straw that broke my back - it seems to have done me in for the foreseeable future as it is not fair that I have to go through the adoption process for a family. It is not fair that I have to prove that I am good enough, that Andrew is good enough, that our home is suitable, that the cats are acceptable and that we have the funds to support children. It is not fair.
What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it. It makes me so angry and I feel so hopeless.
I try so hard to make the most of the situation we are in but I want normal children. I don’t want children that have been damaged by people not fit to be parents but that is my lot in life – if we are deemed good enough to parent these children. It makes me so very angry. I think I need to take a break but there is no break from life.
Today I also had a moment. Today it was nappies – a friend who is rightly excited about her pregnancy seems to, without realising turn most conversations back to it and today it was nappies. It is hard, I do care and I am excited for my friends who are that lucky but I am jealous and that is that and, whilst I know they aren't rubbing my nose in (so to speak), that it what it feels like in my brain and I don’t need my nose rubbing in my failure for ever and I feel like it will be.
I seem to be having more and more bad days - is it the stress of the assement? Possibly. I am afraid that we will not be approved? Yes. I am afraid that we will be approved and there will never be a match found. Definatly. It seems easy to get carried away with the excitment of other people but that I am trying to stay grounded as this road might still end with a dead end.
Today I also had a moment. Today it was nappies – a friend who is rightly excited about her pregnancy seems to, without realising turn most conversations back to it and today it was nappies. It is hard, I do care and I am excited for my friends who are that lucky but I am jealous and that is that and, whilst I know they aren't rubbing my nose in (so to speak), that it what it feels like in my brain and I don’t need my nose rubbing in my failure for ever and I feel like it will be.
I seem to be having more and more bad days - is it the stress of the assement? Possibly. I am afraid that we will not be approved? Yes. I am afraid that we will be approved and there will never be a match found. Definatly. It seems easy to get carried away with the excitment of other people but that I am trying to stay grounded as this road might still end with a dead end.
No, it's not fair, and in some ways the adoption process is tougher than IVF etc just because everthing takes such a long time, that there's that much longer to agonise over the possible outcomes.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't read your blog for a few days when I mailed you last night, I hadn't realised what a rough time you were having. Mail me if you want to.
Take care.
Ilyssa