Feeling Sad.

I know that I am tired - physically and mentally. But I am not sure whether I am being silly because a part of me is feeling sad. Sad, hurt, disappointed and a little bit angry. Nothing to do with the children but more about the way that their coming home has been recognised by the people around us.

I have lost count of the number of 'congratulations on your new baby' cards that I have lovingly made and sent to family and friends when they have welcomed a new life into their worlds and here we are, our children have been home a week and we have exactly 2 cards to commemorate the occasion. Both from friends.

A week later, maybe I am being silly but it has still left me feeling sad, angry and like our coming home wasn't as important as those for whom children came naturally. We have had a lot of messages online - mainly on facebook but, (and here I know that I am being silly) it takes little effort to do that and more effort to actually get a card and post it but I wanted the 'congratulations on your children' so I could share them with the children, to show them that our family and friends were welcoming them as we have and so I could save them for posterity.

I guess I was wrong. Welcoming children into your life is only a card sending occasion if you are pregnant with them and if you give birth to them. My mistake. I hope it is that otherwise we are surrounded by some very thoughtless people and I never thought that.

Coming Home

They are home. They are fast asleep in their beds. I am shattered.

If feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote my last post but it was only 5 days ago. They have only slept in their beds here 6 times and that includes tonight. We have had some highs and some lows. The lows are the challenging behaviour which we were expecting. At the moment that is focused around meal times and bed times but we are sticking to our boundaries and being firm and things are getting better, one day at a time.

The highs are something else altogether. Our little boy demanded a good night kiss when we put him to bed and apparently a kiss before he gets into bed is not enough, it has to be a kiss once he is in bed (silly me) was beyond amazing. Our little girl laughing and smiling when she is playing with her toys and watching both of them eating their meals with food all over the place just warm my heart. We have fed the ducks, we have played in the snow and made a snowman, taken the children out on their trikes, we have had fun in the bath, changed some seriously nasty nappies, got food everywhere and done more washing than I have ever done before.

I can't remember when I last prepared so much food or did so much washing up, the house is covered in toys, I can't get into the bath with first emptying it and there are packets of baby wipes scattered about the house. And do you know what? I don't mind. Overnight I have gone from neat and tidy clean freak to it'll be ok and I can sort it later.

Our next challenge is to start the slow and careful process of introducing them to our family and friends, at their speed. I can't wait.

These highs make every second of the last (nearly) 5 years worth while - every second spent in tears, every moment spent at appointments for doctors, counsellors, consultants and scans, every social worker visit, every course, every piece of paperwork, all the worry, the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums and each time I nearly gave up - all worth it.

P-Day

Might sound a little bit dramatic but today was D-Day for us or should I say P-Day – Placement Day.

Today we completed the process in which our lives are forever changed and the hard work begins.

Today our children move in.

Introductions went well.

To say I am excited is an understatement. If I said I wasn’t terrified I would lying. I am completed terrified.

I also figured today was a nice to day to, as publicly as I can; thank my family and friends for the support we have been given throughout this process. It has been long, at times, stressful, exciting and scary but we have survived and we have come to this step really looking forward to an amazing life ahead.

So, we collected them at 10am this morning and it was lovely to see their faces when they asked if they were really coming to live with us today. It was heart wrenching as well as their foster carer had to say goodbye and he was obviously devastated as he is really attached to them - he started me off in the car on the way home. We fully intend for their foster carers to remain a part of their lives but it will be a while before they are settled enough to see them again.

We have tried to have a very calm and low key day, lots of playing with meals at the set time (and things we know that they eat and enjoy) then bath time and bed time. They are upstairs asleep now and we are sat in the lounge with the TV on very quiet listening for noises. We did get asked if they would go back to their foster carers and for the youngest when she realised, she did get really distressed for a little while but settled once we busy doing something again.

All I hoping for is a calm night and the same in the morning and whilst we expect ups and downs they have really surprised us today with how little upset there has been.

Introductions - The Reality, Part 2

The last week has flow by at such a speed, my feet like they have not touched the floor and yet the car says we have covered over 500 miles! It has been interesting - we have been tested as they have started to push their boundaries with us, something that every social worker says is a great sign but the process has not been made easier since littlest one has a stinking cold and has been a proper tired little grump for the last 2 days.

It has been such an experience to have them in the house. There are toys absolutely everywhere as well as baby wipes and our cats are running scared as they are not used to having 2 small people thundering about the house. Meal times have included plastic plates and food everywhere but it is at meal times that we are challenged most as we know they eat pretty much everything and well but they have chosen to become more fussy which we are dealing with as positively and as firmed as we can.

The last 2 evenings have given us an insight into the end of the day - bath time and bed time to be specific but we have struggled as the timetable means we have to give them tea and then drive them back to their foster carers and they fall asleep in the care meaning they are tired and cranky and so they naturally seek out their foster carers rather than us. We are hoping this will change once the drive is removed from the day but that will not be until they move in. What has been really lovely has been giving them a good night kiss and cuddle and for them to ask if they will see us in the morning.

Tomorrow is a slightly less intense day - one appointment in the morning and then a quiet afternoon of jobs, shopping and preparation leaving Friday as P-Day - placement day and the day that we collect the children and bring them home for good. We have a plan that includes dinner out, might be the last chance we have for a while.

Introductions - The Reality

Well, day 4 of introductions is complete and I am in my PJs wrapped in a blanket on my sofa and it is not even 8pm yet! I am shattered but the last 4 days have been amazing.

We started with the planning meeting and then went to meet the children - they were so sure of who we were from our family and the work that their foster carers have done to help prepare them. What was amazing was that they called us mummy and daddy from minute one - it feels so nice to be called mummy. It is a sound I thought I would never hear. Day 1 was just to observe tea time and then come home but our daughter was happy to give us kisses and cuddles to say goodbye - it took her brother until Day 3 to be happy to do that.

Day 2 was a longer day but we were also able to spend more time with the children and Day 3 we went to feed the ducks. We also got to take our son to the park to play before sitting and ready books. He also settled to watch a little TV but fell asleep in my arms. It looks like the Gruffalo is a big favourite along with dinosaurs.

Day 4, today, was the first time we took them out in our car. We took them to a tumbletots class and although we had tears from both - one because he was told off for running off (too many roads and cars and stuff) and the second for a trip and face plant ended in a skinned nose and lip but both times we managed and the children were happy to accept us as their care givers. The afternoon was more play, reading and a couple of meals. But the breakthrough today was that both children allowed me to do nappy changes. They are starting to be more comfortable with us as well as having more trust in us.

Thinking of meal times I have never met children who eat so well - they have great cutlery skills for their ages and are happy with finger foods but from what we have seen they eat everything and they love their fruit, especially blueberries and bananas. Tomorrow we are responsible for lunch out and we have plans for a soft play centre where there is a cafe so fingers crossed it goes well. The step after is for them to visit out home for the morning.

We are slowly, and with the children's knowledge, transitioning their things from their foster carer's home to ours starting with toys and a few bits of clothes as well as books and DVDs so their bedrooms are looking more and more like they could belong to them.

Is this a dream?

because it sure feels like one.

Today is my last day at work, tomorrow we meet our children. And right now it doesn't feel real.

Household Preparations

We have spent so much time preparing ourselves to be parents but we have also had to focus a lot of energy into the physical – our home and car. They have to be suitable, safe and child friendly but more importantly they have to pass the health and safety assessments laid down by social services.

We started a while ago – when we were approved as adoptive parents months ago (well September feels like years ago but it was only months) when we decorated our spare bedrooms in neutral yellow and made sure the curtains and carpets were cleaned. After that we seemed to have snowballed as the nearer we got the more we did. Because it was done slowly we didn’t realise how much we had done:

-         stair gates top and bottom of our stairs

-         corner cushions on furniture

-         cupboard catches on everything in the kitchen

-         exchange the coffee table for a rug and more space for playing

-         rearrange the bathroom to make sure things are out of reach and sort a step so they can reach as well as a loo seat so they don't fall in

-         rugs and pictures for the bedrooms (once we knew the sex of the children)

-         sort beds and new mattresses and pillows and duvets

-         organise space in the lounge and bathroom for toys

-         fire guard

-         pre-wash new towels

-         fit car seats to the car (after it has been cleaned)

-         make sure I am as up to date with the washing and ironing as possible

-         clean the house from top to bottom and make sure nothing harmful is within reach

-         stick glow-in-the-dark stars and planets to the ceiling in our little boy’s bedroom
-     stock up on essentail supplies like baby wipes, calpol and plasters
-     get all the necessary none breakable crockery and child sized cutlery

I am sure there are other things but these are the ones that come to mind.

So, you ask the question: are we ready? The answer? God only knows. I haven’t got a clue.

Introductions – the How

The next step we need to take is to be introduced to our children, firstly in the form of the family book we have prepared and we handed over at our matching panel. It was completed before panel and then handed over to the foster carers last Monday.

This is a book full of photographs - of us, the cats, the house, our closest family and can be used to get the children used to people and places before they are presented with the actual people and places. We decided to be a bit different and write the book from our cats so they introduce us and the rest of the family and go into how they want to share their garden with the children. The last we heard the children like our book and the oldest can already identify which is his bedroom and which belongs to his sister.

The next step after this will be to actually meet them as real little people and to get to know them, their routines and everything else we might need in order to care for them. This takes places over a period of time, 7 days according to the plan we have (but subject to flexibility) and starts off in the foster placement but works up to visits to our home as well as activities and trips out. Once this is done and everyone is happy we will get a confirmed placement date on that date they move in with us for real.

It is going to be hectic - we need to be there for when the children wake at 6.30am for at least 3 or 4 of the 6 days and we have a 50 minute drive to get there but I am sure it will be worth every single second. This weekend is our last 'free one' so to speak but my jobs list is pages long and getting longer.

My countdown? Now at 3 days at work (including what is left of today) and 5 more sleeps until we meet them.

Foster Carers

It must be easy, amongst all the excitement, to forget that these children have been cared for by their current foster carers (and other before them) for a long time. I wanted to take a moment to remember them, to acknowledge the care that they have provided and to recognise how hard it must be to have to prepare the children to move on and to have to say goodbye.

Foster caring is such a hard and thankless task that I have the utmost respect for all those who open their homes to children (and to social services) at the time when it is most needed. I am not sure I would be able to do it.

Looking forwards - a list of the little things

Just a list of all the things that I am looking forward to that can be real in less than 3 weeks time. The big things speak for themselves but I want to appreciate the little things, I don't want to take anything for granted.

1) bath time - I want to get water and bubbles everywhere and all children should have crazy hair using shampoo bubbles. My dad called them 'spikey Normans' for some reason.

2) story time, even if it is the same story I read yesterday, the day before and the day before that. We have been given some lovely books including many I remember from my own childhood.

3) meals times with food all over the place, as long as the food is enjoyed.

4) goodnight kisses.

5) sitting downstairs with the TV on really quiet so we don't wake them.

6) tiny clothes - shopping for them, washing and ironing them, choosing them to wear each day.

7) playing games with make believe everything from food to money to jungles to animals.

8) jumping in puddles. I don't care if they are muddy. That is why some invented Wellington boots.

9) swings, roundabouts, climbing frames and all manner of outdoor play.

10) Introducing our family to family and friends: it is going to be a while before we can but it will be worth the wait.

11) last but by no means least: feeding the ducks. And any other animals that happen to be hungry that they are allowed to feed.

My countdown now stands are 4.5 days at work and 7 sleeps until we meet them.