Whispers

Today has been one of those days . . . .

Not a bad day at all but one of those days where you sit back, raise your eyes to the sky and ask whatever is out there is anyone is listening to a single word you are saying.

I do find myself getting very frustrated on those days and it is sometimes a struggle to remember that shouting does not help. They will not respond any more if I am louder. My advice to myself is always:
- their level
- eye contact
- simple and clear
- gain confirmation of understanding

So, the question is does it work? Sometimes. But sometimes they seem to get out of bed with the decision not to listen for the day and nothing I can do seems to affect that. On those days I challenge myself to keep them safe and busy. I do find busy gives them less chance to get into mischief but I do avoid obvious dangerous situations where I can. I have to confess that, at times, I have shouted at the children, I am not proud of myself and I hate myself for doing it but today I have managed to avoid it.

It has been hard, I have lost count of the number of times that I have counted to ten but it has worked. They are in bed, in one piece and they have had a great day.

What I have learnt since the children came to our family is that that often whispers are louder than shouts and they tend to get a better response.

Sometimes the over looked thing is the answer you need.

A few weeks ago, for the 4th time since placement we ended up taking youngest small to the doctors with a hacking cough, chesty wheezing and suspected chest infection. Luckily I finally got to see the 'good' doctor at the surgery and no longer was I being fobbed off with the line 'she was a prem baby so she will be susceptible to chest complaints' and then being given steroid tablets and antibiotics.

He gave me an answer. A really simple answer. One had no thought of as it was so simple that I expected previous doctors to have already considered it and discounted it.

Asthma.

I came away with the expected steroid tablets and antibiotics but also a preventative inhaler and a referral to the asthma clinic and I am hoping that it helps as listening to her being poorly is heart breaking.

Today we visited that clinic and saw a lovely nurse who was so helpful. She was able to discuss asthma and relate it to her as well as offer me specific advice to help manage this without letting it affect her day to day living.

Instinct

I have no idea what a 'Mother's Instinct' means or what it is supposed to feel like. Other mums that I encounter in my travels at pre school, toddler group, the children's centre and those family and friends talk about it from time to time but I remain confused as to the concept. Which leads me to today.

This morning smallest refused her breakfast. She struggled yesterday with breakfast and dinner but ate her lunch fine and she seemed ok in herself although she did have a long afternoon sleep so I figured she was tired and a good nights sleep would see her right. However this morning was a nightmare. Her complete refusal of breakfast turned into the same at lunch time for the pre school staff and they told me she was falling asleep on her feet. Since getting her home I checked her temperature, a little high so calpol and she took herself to bed and went straight to sleep. One of the other mums asked me if she was ok as she was grouchy and grumpy - very unusual for her and when I mentioned she asked me if she was poorly. I had no idea and I said so. Her response was 'go with your instinct'. And that scared me as I don't feel like I have any.

I tend to assess what my children present to me in appearance (oldest gets the worst bags under his eyes when tired), energy level, appetite and behaviour. I then run down what the answer might be using common sense and logic. So, after a busy weekend a grumpy small refusing to play nicely is, in my mind, a tired small who needs a sleep. But today, smallest has surprised me as I thought she was tired and she obviously isn't feeling too good but can't tell me what the matter is. I hope that a sleep and the calpol will help her feel better as I am not sure what else to do.

So, coming full circle, is this instinct thing something I will learn in time? I hope so as anything that helps me to understand my children more and be more responsive to their more complex needs has to be useful to them as well as to me.

A self indulgent moment

My focus on the positive has really helped me to take each day as it comes and to focus on the all the wonderful things that life is bringing me but today is an anniversary that I want to remember.

2 years ago, on this date, I should have been celebrating the birth of my first child. Sadly I lost that child early in my pregnancy and so my life is very different to what I imagined when I first found out that I was pregnant.

I refused to take time away from my children, my husband and the joy of attending the Christening of the daughter of good friends to be so self indulgent so I have waited until the day is nearly over, the sun is going down and they are all sleeping after a fabulous day.

The future is out there, it is mine for the taking and I fully intend it to grasp it with both hands and enjoy every second but for one moment I want to remember the life that nearly was, to feel sadness that it never came to be and remind myself that it is ok. Tomorrow is a new day and one to treasure.

Father's Day

I know it is a little bit late but I feel I need to dedicate a post to my long suffering husband. This year was the first year that we were able to celebrate Father's Day for him.

The run up was great fun - the children love making cards and as this is a hobby of mine I have boxes of supplies (added to all the crafty bits that they have been bought as gifts) so we cracked them out and spent some time making. What was great fun was that we could make cards for Grandads as well. There was PVA and stickers and crayons everywhere by the time we were finished but the end results were fabulous.

On the actual Sunday we were camping (again) and the weather was glorious. Our oldest small had great fun delivering cards to his Daddy and his Grandad and was proud to say that he had made them! All of them, even the ones that I had made. I had also managed to get the children to choose a small gift each. Youngest chose a 'world's best dad' mug: mainly as she has just learnt to use a proper cup without missing her mouth with every 3rd mouthful. Oldest following his superheros and chose a toiletries set covered in various superheros. Daddy loved them both.

I can't wait to do it all again next year.

What a difference a year makes.

During a 'tidy up with a duster' yesterday I found an old journal that I last wrote in over 18 months ago: it was started long before I decided to keep my thoughts and experiences online. I shocked myself reading back over the pages to see how desperately unhappy I was, how angry I was with the entire world and how bitter my experiences had made me. It really hammered home how different my life is today and how much has changed.

In a nutshell I have:
- had 2 birthdays, both very different occasions
- been to 2 wedding and 2 christenings
- seen at least 5 friends fall pregnant and have their babies (I have lot count)
- said goodbye to 2 family members and a friend
- gone through the adoption assessment process and approval
- welcomed 2 children into my world

The last has been the biggest thing but today I took a snapshot of me and compared myself to the me of 18 months ago. I feel like a different human being. I am certainly happier but after the recent announcements of pregnancy around me I wonder if I am any less bitter? I hope so. I have finally been able to hear the news and feel true joy first, not the angry jealously that used to over come me. Am I still sad that I can't experience pregnancy and child birth? A little bit. Will that ever go away? I don't know. Do I want it to? I am not sure. I think we are defined not only by our successes and our strengths but also our weaknesses, disappointments and our hardest times. And those years of infertility and miscarriage were the hardest of my life so they have served a purpose to make me the person I am today.

And that person is grateful for the children that I have. No, they did not come to me by the normal way. No, they were not teeny tiny babies when they entered my world. They were older and came with their own baggage which will take time and effort to work through but they are my children. I love them and I hope that they love me. And that is enough.

Some Amazing news

Not mine but news that not only made me smile but brought tears to my eyes.

Friends had the adoption order for their son completed today so he is legally theirs. I am over joyed for them and wish them the happiest of lives together.

Potty Training

Something we knew we would have to tackle when the children were placed with us was potty training, the oldest was already showing signs of being ready so we knew that once he was settled it was something we were going to help him with.

We did have a false start. He asked for pants. We followed his lead but after a week of constant accidents and distress we gently moved him back to pull ups and continued to encourage the use of the potty at set times - first thing in the morning, after breakfast, after meals and around bath time, Slowly he got better and better but in his own time. Looking back it feels like he rushed himself into pants too soon to prove something to us and in hindsight he has learnt that he didn't have anything to prove - we loved him no matter what he wore.

Anyway, some weeks later and with him being a lot more settled he asked for his pants again. We followed his lead and he has done so well. We had our share of accidents but I was amazed at how few. I was expected accidents on a daily basis and in our first 2 weeks we have a total of 3 accidents. I was amazed and so very proud of him. He did have a short period at school when his sister started of wetting himself to achieve some attention but that soon stopped when the pre school staff realised what he was doing and why - sharing something that has been his for a long time was hard for him.

I have called the process potty training but he very soon progressed to the toilet on his own special seat as he was too big for the potty and so were his 'desposits'. Plus, on a very selfish note, flushing the loo was a lot more pleasant for me than emptying the potty.

As an aside I am pretty sure the youngest is nowhere near ready but we are starting to lay some ground work down. She is getting familiar with the potty and the toilet as well as the routine of hand washing after using them plus we have moved her from nappies into pull ups so she can get used to pulling them up and down herself. She is getting better along with her ability to dress herself plus we are hoping this will help her with her anxiety over being changed at pre school. So far we are taking teeny tiny steps and with any luck she will tell us when she is ready but we have big girl pants at the ready.

Playing Catch

At the moment our oldest is not a child who wants to learn how to write his name. We have a 'Learn to write' book with pencil exercises but he is not interested so we are trying hard to develop his other skills. He can scribble - he is happy to scribble for hours but nothing more.

His motor skills are excellent and he loves doing jigsaws. We are also amazed by how proficient he is with a knife and fork as well as a spoon at mealtimes. He is more that happy to draw and paint but only what he wants and the exception to scribbles are his smiley faces. This was his effort of a family portrait, the largest face being that of Lightening McQueen.

 

We have started to get him doing more where we can and where he is interested - tools with play dough and forming things instead of just a ball, his spade and bucket so he can help with the gardening and cooking.  

 

So, the point of my ramble, was that in order to develop his finer hand eye coordination we have started playing catch. It is something he can do with one of us and have our undivided attention. We started with a football and have moved down to a tennis ball as well as a Frisbee type disc and he is getting so much better at not only catching but also throwing the ball back accurately. I have no idea how good he should be for his age but for us, playing catch serves a duel purpose. Not only his development but some quality time as well. 

Attachment

Attachment is a huge thing when you talk about adopted children and social workers really hammer it home at every stage of assessment so when our children came home we were very aware of building a healthy and strong bond with them. We were lucky in that their foster carers did so much ground work so that when we went to introductions we were not complete strangers - they recognised us and what were going to be to them, as much as a small child can. One thing we have to remember is that children in care, such as ours. do struggle with attachment because of the numerous moves that they have lived.

Now, I am not an expert. I will never pretend to be one and although I have read the materials suggested to me, studied the books on the suggested reading list and lived with my children for nearly 6 months (my goodness has it been that long already!) I am sure that I have bared touched on the subject.

But, the question I am putting to myself today is: Is there a good, healthy secure attachment between our children and us? Or rather between the children and myself?

Now, it is good to be questioned, it makes you step back and think, really think and the comments I receive on this blog are no different to comments made in the real world, they make me think. I have looked long and hard at the children and how they are with us as well as how this has changed since they moved in. I can clearly see an improvement in their relationship my husband - both children are happier and more comfortable with him, they will now go to him for comfort which has changed as it used to be just me and I look at all these things as being signs of a healthy attachment. I then looked back at the difference in the way the children are with me. Both will happily ask for cuddles, accept cuddles when offered and find comfort with me when distressed. Both will happily accept physical contact as well as actively looking for it which is something I thought might take longer to achieve.

The main thing that I have looked at is their reactions and relationships with other people in our lives. What reassures me that they are obviously more confident and comfortable when we are. Our last camping trip showed us that but the children were always aware of where we were which I took for a reassuring sign. They have started to build trusting relationships with their grandparents and they are perfectly capable of playing us off against their grandparents but I am assured all children do that so I am hoping this is just a case of them doing something very normal.

I keep reassuring myself - we have a good routine and the children have more good days than bad ones. They eat well, sleep well and they are developing at what feels like an amazing speed especially motor skills and personal care skills.

Does all this prove a healthy attachment? I have no idea but I really hope so.