As a member of Ladies Circle I have been involved in a number of wild and crazy events but none more important than the time spent raising money for various charities.
Last night I am took part in a PJ party in aid of Parkinson's UK to mark the end of Parkinson's Awareness Week. There was a plan and it seemed to go with out a hitch - 23 ladies in their PJs including one Andy Pandy and an empty car showroom which we filled with chairs, sleeping bags, food, wine and various activities.
The plan was 7pm to 7am and, to cut a long story short, we made it!
We did managed a wine tasting, a take away, chick flick and other activities including an epic game of Jenga which I lost most spectacularly. (As well as the game after that as well - I am not sure I was at my best at 4am). We celebrated the end of our 12 hours with a trip, in our PJs to the local McDonalds. After that it was home, a shower and my bed!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Special Occasions
This weekend as been absolutely manic. First a wedding - I love weddings. It is a wonderful time for friends and family to celebrate the love that 2 people have for each other. Friday was no exception. 2 lovely people very much in love and the day was a celebration of that love in a way that was very personal to them - the perfect ingredients to a wonderful day.
I do hope they have the happiest of long lives together.
After a flying visit to visit my parents and Grandma it was time for the next special occasion - the Christening of a friends' son. I sat in the truly beautiful church surrounded by so many happy families and felt really sad. It was wonderful to see my friends with their beautiful son but still I have to deal with my own sadness.
I was really sad that I will never have a day where I can take my child, introduce them to all my friends and family and have a 'naming ceremony' (whether we choose a christening or a non religious naming service) as I will not name my children. They will come with names as well as other parents. I listened to the service which spoke of how families were blessed with children and tears formed as I wondered why I was not blessed. Why we have to struggle and suffer when some families can have 2, 3, 4 and often even more children but we can't have any at all. We have to prove ourselves good enough to parent children damaged by their own birth parents.
People often tell me we will be better parents for our experiences but better than what? Better than who? I don't want to be a perfect parent and I don't want to be a better parent than someone else I just want to be a parent, a Mum who can love her children unconditionally but above all I want to be a normal Mum with normal children and a normal family and that will never happen.
I love these special occasions but do find them hard as they remind me of what I don't have, what I can't have and what I will never have.
I do hope they have the happiest of long lives together.
After a flying visit to visit my parents and Grandma it was time for the next special occasion - the Christening of a friends' son. I sat in the truly beautiful church surrounded by so many happy families and felt really sad. It was wonderful to see my friends with their beautiful son but still I have to deal with my own sadness.
I was really sad that I will never have a day where I can take my child, introduce them to all my friends and family and have a 'naming ceremony' (whether we choose a christening or a non religious naming service) as I will not name my children. They will come with names as well as other parents. I listened to the service which spoke of how families were blessed with children and tears formed as I wondered why I was not blessed. Why we have to struggle and suffer when some families can have 2, 3, 4 and often even more children but we can't have any at all. We have to prove ourselves good enough to parent children damaged by their own birth parents.
People often tell me we will be better parents for our experiences but better than what? Better than who? I don't want to be a perfect parent and I don't want to be a better parent than someone else I just want to be a parent, a Mum who can love her children unconditionally but above all I want to be a normal Mum with normal children and a normal family and that will never happen.
I love these special occasions but do find them hard as they remind me of what I don't have, what I can't have and what I will never have.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Round 5 - Halfway there
Today was appointment number 5 for us and with it being the 5th (when you count the individual appointments as 3 and 4) and we are expected about 8 or 9 I think I am safe to say this is a good point to make half way through this stage.
This afternoon the topic was our support network and an ecomap. I knew before we started this exercise that we have a good support network, our friends and family have shown us this time and time again, often without being asked. It just showed when we started naming people and then categorising them as what sort of support they will offer us and it was great that we kept remembering people and adding them to an already substantial list.
We also spent some time looking at groups we are part of and how how we might continue our involvement in them. Ladies Circle was not a big thing - I will do as I do know, attend when I can and when the timing is right and I look forward to that but our re-enacting was a bigger discussion. It is something that not many people understand and that means they can be wary of it but we concuded that as long as we were mindful of our children's histories and their needs it would be a positive thing for them.
It is amazing how quickly these sessions have gone when I look back to how long we waiting from out initial assessment to our preparation course. I wondered if the next few will fly by so quickly and them what the wait for our approval panel will look like. Our next session is booked for in 2 weeks time and we are covering our experience of looking after children and how we expect our lives to change when children are placed with us - we even have homework!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
;-(
How do i feel this morning?
Sad. There is no other word for it and i can’t even put my finger on exactly why I am feeling so sad.
Everyone is still sleeping, last night was a bit of a late one but I don’t seem to be able to find sleep. I keep forgetting how hard some things still are and I head towards them like a steam train pretending that everything is ok – that I can be the adult and that by now I ought to be used to it all. And then I it smacks me in the face. I can be as blasé about things to other people as much as I want but it doesn’t work on myself. For some reason I can make myself believe.
Last night was a big family meal – 3 generations around a big table and the 4th in obvious ‘readiness to launch’. It reminds me that the 4th generation is being born and I am still without, I am still waiting for my ‘next generation’ as well as the very real fact that it might never even happen. It feels like another smack in face of all the positivity I have tried to armour myself with. I guess I need to remember that no matter how good it is, there is chink in every suit of armour.
I does not help that I constantly remind myself that I wouldn't wish my circumstances on anymore else, they are still shoes I don't want to wear.
I also had a conversation earlier in the week with my Grandma – she has her own worries and there is not much I can do except listen and support when I can. But it struck me to my very core when she spoke of how excited my mum is to visit my cousin’s babies, how much she is looking forward to seeing them, playing with them and just generally being around them. There is no reason why she shouldn’t but, quite frankly, it hurts me to hear it as it should be my children she is excited to see. And it’s not.
For some being childless is a choice, a valid choice but for others it is a never ending nightmare and whilst it is wonderful to see the joy that children bring it is bittersweet and it hurts my heart.
Sad. There is no other word for it and i can’t even put my finger on exactly why I am feeling so sad.
Everyone is still sleeping, last night was a bit of a late one but I don’t seem to be able to find sleep. I keep forgetting how hard some things still are and I head towards them like a steam train pretending that everything is ok – that I can be the adult and that by now I ought to be used to it all. And then I it smacks me in the face. I can be as blasé about things to other people as much as I want but it doesn’t work on myself. For some reason I can make myself believe.
Last night was a big family meal – 3 generations around a big table and the 4th in obvious ‘readiness to launch’. It reminds me that the 4th generation is being born and I am still without, I am still waiting for my ‘next generation’ as well as the very real fact that it might never even happen. It feels like another smack in face of all the positivity I have tried to armour myself with. I guess I need to remember that no matter how good it is, there is chink in every suit of armour.
I does not help that I constantly remind myself that I wouldn't wish my circumstances on anymore else, they are still shoes I don't want to wear.
I also had a conversation earlier in the week with my Grandma – she has her own worries and there is not much I can do except listen and support when I can. But it struck me to my very core when she spoke of how excited my mum is to visit my cousin’s babies, how much she is looking forward to seeing them, playing with them and just generally being around them. There is no reason why she shouldn’t but, quite frankly, it hurts me to hear it as it should be my children she is excited to see. And it’s not.
For some being childless is a choice, a valid choice but for others it is a never ending nightmare and whilst it is wonderful to see the joy that children bring it is bittersweet and it hurts my heart.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Are you there God? It's me, Victoria.
Every so often Andrew and I will have a discussion that leads me down the path of thought. This week my thoughts have been trigger not only by conversation but also a trip to the cinema to see 'Wrath of the Titans' (a decent action film for those who don't want to think too much). This week I have been thinking about God.
One of the elements in our PAR (Prospective Adopter's Report) includes our views on religion as it is important for adoptive children it is important that religious beliefs are supported as this is considered to be a vital part of the child's identity. It started me thinking what my religious background might.
I went to a Catholic school yet I am not Catholic, it just worked that way. I choose to get married in a Church of England church. My Grandma is a Methodist. My mum took us to different churches when we were younger based on where we lived but that stopped when I started to play hockey on a Sunday morning.
What I can say without any shadow of doubt is that I don't actively practise religion.
My studies always told me that religion was a huge cause of conflict, not only historical but also in the present day. My common sense tells me that no matter what any one believes we are all the same, equal and have the right to believe whatever we choose - whether than be in a 'God' or other all powerful being or whether in nothing at all.
Which leads my thoughts to the question do I believe in God? In any shape or form. A piece of me would like to but I struggle to reconcile it with the image of a God that is supposed to love me. Surely an all powerful being that loved me would not have made me suffer the nightmares that I have nor would it allow for the terrible things that happen to good people. I know the theological debate would last an eternity but I though religion was supposed to be very personal and had to include a leap of faith. I know that in times of adversity some people turn to God for supportive and find comfort in the idea but in my hour of desperation I found that was angry with 'God' and consistently asked the question 'why me, what did I ever do wrong'?
I also found the hardest thing to take was people saying to me 'it has all happened for a reason'. There has to be a damn good reason for some one to be put through infertility and then miscarriage and if that reason is that we come to adopt and lives are made better for it then maybe I will find acceptance of this statement. For now it remains on my top 100 stupid things to say to some one in my position.
Whatever I think I know that I will be able to support and educate any child in their choice of religion but I want to make sure that it is their own choice: not forced upon them by me, their birth family, social worker or any one else.
One of the elements in our PAR (Prospective Adopter's Report) includes our views on religion as it is important for adoptive children it is important that religious beliefs are supported as this is considered to be a vital part of the child's identity. It started me thinking what my religious background might.
I went to a Catholic school yet I am not Catholic, it just worked that way. I choose to get married in a Church of England church. My Grandma is a Methodist. My mum took us to different churches when we were younger based on where we lived but that stopped when I started to play hockey on a Sunday morning.
What I can say without any shadow of doubt is that I don't actively practise religion.
My studies always told me that religion was a huge cause of conflict, not only historical but also in the present day. My common sense tells me that no matter what any one believes we are all the same, equal and have the right to believe whatever we choose - whether than be in a 'God' or other all powerful being or whether in nothing at all.
Which leads my thoughts to the question do I believe in God? In any shape or form. A piece of me would like to but I struggle to reconcile it with the image of a God that is supposed to love me. Surely an all powerful being that loved me would not have made me suffer the nightmares that I have nor would it allow for the terrible things that happen to good people. I know the theological debate would last an eternity but I though religion was supposed to be very personal and had to include a leap of faith. I know that in times of adversity some people turn to God for supportive and find comfort in the idea but in my hour of desperation I found that was angry with 'God' and consistently asked the question 'why me, what did I ever do wrong'?
I also found the hardest thing to take was people saying to me 'it has all happened for a reason'. There has to be a damn good reason for some one to be put through infertility and then miscarriage and if that reason is that we come to adopt and lives are made better for it then maybe I will find acceptance of this statement. For now it remains on my top 100 stupid things to say to some one in my position.
Whatever I think I know that I will be able to support and educate any child in their choice of religion but I want to make sure that it is their own choice: not forced upon them by me, their birth family, social worker or any one else.
Friday, March 30, 2012
A Designer Family?
As we work through our application papers I find myself draw to the section:
Which means we have to state clearly and with reasons, what sort of child or children we would be happy to consider. The categories are as follows:
Background
Child as s/he is
Sexual Abuse
Health Issues
Physical Impairments and Learning Difficulties
I do understand why these things have to be considered - the matches made by social workers need to work in the best interests of the children as as well the parents but I do feel very uncomfortable making the choices. We are not allowed to have designer babies but this process appears to give adopter the chose to design their family from sex to physical characteristics and other inherited traits. Of course there is often no way to tell what issues might become prevalent in the future but we are given the choice to 'reject' (for lack of a better word) children that, had they be born to us naturally we would have learnt to cope with.
For example - had we have had a baby with Downs Syndrome we would have loved that child, given it the very best life possible and learnt how to manage any issues this condition might bring. Now we can decide whether we will accept a child with this condition and whether we are prepared to learn how to cope with it.
There is a whole tick list of conditions we can say yes or no to and I think that this might be the hardest part of the process. The advice we are given is to read up and discuss these conditions but there are so many of them we are struggling to know where to start. We thought the physical impairment section would be the easiest - our first reaction to children with severely limited mobility was a no as our home is not set up for them but I feel awful saying no despite knowing it is probably for the best all round.
We have some time before we have to fill in this section of the report, time to think, read and discuss as well as try to decide. I just hope we can make the right decision.
16.0
|
What is the applicant’s view or expectations about the characteristics, ages or number of child/ren that they hope to adopt? 29
|
Which means we have to state clearly and with reasons, what sort of child or children we would be happy to consider. The categories are as follows:
Background
Child as s/he is
Sexual Abuse
Health Issues
Physical Impairments and Learning Difficulties
I do understand why these things have to be considered - the matches made by social workers need to work in the best interests of the children as as well the parents but I do feel very uncomfortable making the choices. We are not allowed to have designer babies but this process appears to give adopter the chose to design their family from sex to physical characteristics and other inherited traits. Of course there is often no way to tell what issues might become prevalent in the future but we are given the choice to 'reject' (for lack of a better word) children that, had they be born to us naturally we would have learnt to cope with.
For example - had we have had a baby with Downs Syndrome we would have loved that child, given it the very best life possible and learnt how to manage any issues this condition might bring. Now we can decide whether we will accept a child with this condition and whether we are prepared to learn how to cope with it.
It feels very wrong.
Children should come into your life and be love no matter what.
There is a whole tick list of conditions we can say yes or no to and I think that this might be the hardest part of the process. The advice we are given is to read up and discuss these conditions but there are so many of them we are struggling to know where to start. We thought the physical impairment section would be the easiest - our first reaction to children with severely limited mobility was a no as our home is not set up for them but I feel awful saying no despite knowing it is probably for the best all round.
We have some time before we have to fill in this section of the report, time to think, read and discuss as well as try to decide. I just hope we can make the right decision.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Good Luck Signs
So, it is good luck when a pidgeon craps on your hat?
I do hope so because that was my fate on Sunday afternoon.
As we marched down Gloucester high street I was concerned when I felt 'something' hit me on the head. Nothing heavy but definatly a 'something'. Once I was able to take off my hat I could check that the offending something was, in fact, the result of a pidgeon flying overhead doing its business. On my hat. Nice.
My hat will most certainly wash. But I got the following reactions:
'at least is was on your hat and no in your face' very true
'at least is was pidgeon and not seagull' even truer
'isn't that supposed to be lucky?' I have no idea.
I don't normally believe in lucky signs, good or bad, but it might be nice to have some good luck come my way. I will have to wait and see.
I do hope so because that was my fate on Sunday afternoon.
As we marched down Gloucester high street I was concerned when I felt 'something' hit me on the head. Nothing heavy but definatly a 'something'. Once I was able to take off my hat I could check that the offending something was, in fact, the result of a pidgeon flying overhead doing its business. On my hat. Nice.
My hat will most certainly wash. But I got the following reactions:
'at least is was on your hat and no in your face' very true
'at least is was pidgeon and not seagull' even truer
'isn't that supposed to be lucky?' I have no idea.
I don't normally believe in lucky signs, good or bad, but it might be nice to have some good luck come my way. I will have to wait and see.
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