After Easter we were lucky enough to be granted funding for a pre school place for our youngest small so we dutifully requested some morning sessions (deciding that afternoons would not be a good idea as we figured she would be too tired) and prepared with a new school bag, lunch bag and we did our best to prepare her for her new adventure.
The first week went ok - she was very unsure but the screaming did not start until week 2 when she refused to go into the classroom and screamed blue murder when I tried to leave, she also tried to chase me out of the door which left me with nothing but guilt. Why was I distressing my little girl in this way? Was it really doing her any good? What was she going to learn?
I had to be reassured by another mum that her behaviour was normal for any child and her fear was that I wasn't coming back for her. When I did collect her she was all smiles, she had calmed down within 5 minutes of me leaving and had been playing happily and had eaten all her lunch as well. The morning drop offs started getting easier and I was feeling a lot better about her being in an environment where she could play with other children in a safe and stimulating environment. All that changed with the 'incident'.
I hate to call it that but I have no idea what else to call it. I collected her one lunch time and found her screaming. "She has been bitten" the key worker told me. I immediately looked to her hands and was horrified when I saw that the bite was on her face, next to her eye and that it had drawn blood. All I wanted to do was get her out of there, I was devastated that I had left her there and she had been hurt. Pre school was supposed to be a safe environment. It took me getting her home and plenty of cuddles before I could calm her down and then I called the pre school to discuss it, apologies for the rudeness of my taking her out and to request the incident forms that I knew the social worker would need.
It turns out that no one had seen what happened although my oldest small said he did but we were told that this was the second incident for the biter and that he would be shadowed closely moving forwards to prevent a recurrence. I had very firm words with the deputy head and made it clear that another incident would mean me pushing for the child's removal from school as well as me considering the removal of my children to a different setting. I also had to stress that my children have already had huge upheavals in their lives and incidents like this are major setbacks in their developing of trusting relationships with the people around them. The staff had seen this when she refused to let them console her, or put anything near her face and they had been surprised by her refusal.
I have to say that I accept that accidents happen. Oldest small is a mass of bruises on his legs from playing, falling and banging into things. I also accept that some children bite. It is their way of communicating especially when they don't have the language to say what they want. What I don't accept is the severity of the bite and its location.
My next challenge was to persuade her to go back to school, that she was safe there and the tantrums got worse again. Luckily they have improved but it has taken a while for her to regain her trust of the pre school and during this time my feelings of guilt returned along with a acceptance that she had to return or I was teaching her that she didn't have to go back to a place when something unpleasant happened - not something that we could accept when we move to big school. I am hoping that time will make it easier for her and as it gets easier for her I will feel less guilty for leaving her.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Camping
We decided to have a go at a weekend camping so we dutifully booked 2 nights at a nice looking, reasonably local site, packed up the car and went. We purposefully didn't go too far from home just in case and when we arrived we were pleasantly surprised as the site was well kept, quiet and we were shown to a lovely pitch in the middle, close enough to the shower block for comfort and with fencing on 3 sides which was perfect for the children.
The first thing we learnt very quickly was that we need to be able to get pitched and sorted a lot quicker or we need a better way to entertain the smalls whilst we are getting on with it! Our new tent did go up easily and it looked like it was going to be big enough, it always amazes me that tents have a 'suggested occupancy' that is never realistic - this one is a 8 man tent and we were happy and comfortable with 4 of us with a nice area for all our stuff plus playing in case the weather is wet. We also got to have a go with the tiny chairs we were bought for them.
We were not lucky in the weather on the first day as it rained and it rained and it rained some more but we were are prepared as we could be. We managed meals outside and in the tent as well as my parents caravan awning. We managed showers in the disabled shower (much more space than the normal ones so I make no apology) and we had 2 lovely days out.
The first thing we learnt very quickly was that we need to be able to get pitched and sorted a lot quicker or we need a better way to entertain the smalls whilst we are getting on with it! Our new tent did go up easily and it looked like it was going to be big enough, it always amazes me that tents have a 'suggested occupancy' that is never realistic - this one is a 8 man tent and we were happy and comfortable with 4 of us with a nice area for all our stuff plus playing in case the weather is wet. We also got to have a go with the tiny chairs we were bought for them.
We were not lucky in the weather on the first day as it rained and it rained and it rained some more but we were are prepared as we could be. We managed meals outside and in the tent as well as my parents caravan awning. We managed showers in the disabled shower (much more space than the normal ones so I make no apology) and we had 2 lovely days out.
Bedtime was where we came unstuck a little bit (again). The first night we waiting until the children were really tired - over an hour later than normal bed time and put them to bed but the noise was strange to them and it took a while for them to go to sleep but they did lie down quietly in their airbeds and sleeping bags. The night was not as much fun for youngest as she struggled to settled and in the end we brought her into our bed to save us getting up to settle her repeatedly. The second night was much more entertaining as the evening was clear and dry. Once again we waited until they were really tired before we put them to bed but then the excitement started and the next hour was all giggles as they realised they could communicate with each other despite being in separate bedroom bits. Luckily once they settled they slept well and quietly but they were still awake with the dawn which meant tired smalls come Monday!
I also learnt that we need to take a lot more toys with us for when we are on site - I forgot that in all the excitment we still need something different every 10 minutes to prevent boredom but I will take more in future.
My personal highlight for the weekend was on our first day out. We got to feed the lambs which the smalls did and enjoyed, we played on a huge range of indoor and outdoor toys, we feed the cows, had a tractor ride and then we got to take a goat for a walk. I made friends with Mildred and we had a lovely little walk.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
A mixed bag.
It has been a while since I have found time to record my thoughts and I have found that I have missed it as I find it very cathartic, as such this might up as a steam of my thoughts based on the last few days.
A lot has happened in the last few weeks but one thing has really stuck with me, mainly because it has been said a few times now and explaining is not getting any less uncomfortable. I was not there when my children were born. It is strange how many people ask questions about when they were born. I have to repeatedly tell medical professionals that youngest small was a premature baby and that I wasn't there. Parents of other children especially when they start talking about their pregnancies and births want me to join in and I can't which means I end up explaining that I wasn't there so I don't feel so rude. Sadly every time it reminds me how much of them I have missed out on - I wasn't the one who felt them growing inside her, I didn't give birth to them and I missed their first months and years of life. I guess I have the rest of my life to come to terms with that and it will not mean that I love them any less.
We also had to deal with an incident at preschool. Youngest small started after Easter doing 3 mornings a week and after a great start she was getting upset when I tried to leave her although she did calm down within 5 minutes of me leaving. It was heartbreaking to walk away from her when she was screaming and it took the other mums to reassure me that she was ok but that was before.
Last week when we arrived to collect them we were met by a screaming small in the arms of one of the key workers. She was screaming because another child had bitten her. On the face. I was devastated. I understand that children bite and that it is a form of communication but the mess of her face broke my heart. The black eye that developed over night has been a constant reminder every time I look at her but it is healing. I had taken her to pre school to learn, the develop and to have fun. Not to get hurt. I accept that the key workers can't be everywhere and can't stop everything but the child in question is a known biter ad no one can tell me why he wasn't being monitored more closely.
The other suggestion put forward was that I collect her early so she doesn't come into contact with this child which has infuriated me further as why she should miss out. If any child should be in pre school less it should be the child that bites in my opinion. My next concern is taking her back as I am not sure how she will react - I am hoping she will be as before but my fear is that she will have a complete meltdown and refuse to go - tomorrow I will see as I am taking oldest small however it is not her day so she gets to come home with me.
Today has been a lovely day, we started swimming with my parents-in-law and then onto brunch with both smalls sinking massive platefuls of scrambled eggs on toast. The next few hours was craft time (thank you pictures for the swimming as I couldn't manage it on my own when my husband is at work) and play time which included a little TV time. We then went to the in-laws for a lovely Sunday dinner which was even nicer as I didn't cook it and I didn't have to wash up either. It always amazes me after such a good breakfast, brunch and snack that the smalls can then manage a Sunday dinner followed by dessert.
Tomorrow we are back to school and next weekend brings our next adventure: camping.
A lot has happened in the last few weeks but one thing has really stuck with me, mainly because it has been said a few times now and explaining is not getting any less uncomfortable. I was not there when my children were born. It is strange how many people ask questions about when they were born. I have to repeatedly tell medical professionals that youngest small was a premature baby and that I wasn't there. Parents of other children especially when they start talking about their pregnancies and births want me to join in and I can't which means I end up explaining that I wasn't there so I don't feel so rude. Sadly every time it reminds me how much of them I have missed out on - I wasn't the one who felt them growing inside her, I didn't give birth to them and I missed their first months and years of life. I guess I have the rest of my life to come to terms with that and it will not mean that I love them any less.
We also had to deal with an incident at preschool. Youngest small started after Easter doing 3 mornings a week and after a great start she was getting upset when I tried to leave her although she did calm down within 5 minutes of me leaving. It was heartbreaking to walk away from her when she was screaming and it took the other mums to reassure me that she was ok but that was before.
Last week when we arrived to collect them we were met by a screaming small in the arms of one of the key workers. She was screaming because another child had bitten her. On the face. I was devastated. I understand that children bite and that it is a form of communication but the mess of her face broke my heart. The black eye that developed over night has been a constant reminder every time I look at her but it is healing. I had taken her to pre school to learn, the develop and to have fun. Not to get hurt. I accept that the key workers can't be everywhere and can't stop everything but the child in question is a known biter ad no one can tell me why he wasn't being monitored more closely.
The other suggestion put forward was that I collect her early so she doesn't come into contact with this child which has infuriated me further as why she should miss out. If any child should be in pre school less it should be the child that bites in my opinion. My next concern is taking her back as I am not sure how she will react - I am hoping she will be as before but my fear is that she will have a complete meltdown and refuse to go - tomorrow I will see as I am taking oldest small however it is not her day so she gets to come home with me.
Today has been a lovely day, we started swimming with my parents-in-law and then onto brunch with both smalls sinking massive platefuls of scrambled eggs on toast. The next few hours was craft time (thank you pictures for the swimming as I couldn't manage it on my own when my husband is at work) and play time which included a little TV time. We then went to the in-laws for a lovely Sunday dinner which was even nicer as I didn't cook it and I didn't have to wash up either. It always amazes me after such a good breakfast, brunch and snack that the smalls can then manage a Sunday dinner followed by dessert.
Tomorrow we are back to school and next weekend brings our next adventure: camping.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Contact: The Aftermath
Something we didn't think of when we went for contact was the aftermath and the effect that it might have on our smalls. Since then our oldest has turned into an almost Jekyll and Hyde character - one second he is the lovely, kind and well manner little boy that we have come to know and love and the next he is a monster - shouting, hitting and screaming with tantrums like I have never seen. It is hard to know how to handle him. At the moment my plan is calmly removing him from the situation and waiting until he has calmed down before carrying on like nothing has occurred. Sadly his record for longest screaming tantrum stands at about 20 minutes.
I am sure that other children have tantrums, I am sure I am not alone dealing with behaviour such as this but I have no idea if what I am doing is the right thing. People around me tell me I am doing ok but they are not around when he is having a tantrum and they don't see his bright red face, streaked with tears and his mouth wide open with screams coming out. I know my only other options are to prevent the tantrums by giving in to him or trying to talk him round but the first feels like a bad idea as he will never learn that he can't always have his own way and the second would be fruitless and I would end up getting frustrated with him.
It does feel that, with hindsight, contact has happened at the wrong time. Withing 2 weeks we came home from holiday, his little sister invaded his territory (otherwise known as pre school) and we had contact so this could be a reaction to all three rather than just the one, I just wish I knew what to do to make it easier for him to understand and deal with his anger in a more productive fashion.
I am sure that other children have tantrums, I am sure I am not alone dealing with behaviour such as this but I have no idea if what I am doing is the right thing. People around me tell me I am doing ok but they are not around when he is having a tantrum and they don't see his bright red face, streaked with tears and his mouth wide open with screams coming out. I know my only other options are to prevent the tantrums by giving in to him or trying to talk him round but the first feels like a bad idea as he will never learn that he can't always have his own way and the second would be fruitless and I would end up getting frustrated with him.
It does feel that, with hindsight, contact has happened at the wrong time. Withing 2 weeks we came home from holiday, his little sister invaded his territory (otherwise known as pre school) and we had contact so this could be a reaction to all three rather than just the one, I just wish I knew what to do to make it easier for him to understand and deal with his anger in a more productive fashion.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Contact
Something that I had never really thought about when we started down the adoption road but have had to think a lot about since as been contact. That is the contact that our children will have with their birth families. Whilst closed adoptions used to be the norm and still occur today there are more open adoptions where children retain some form of contact with members of their birth families either directly in person or indirectly through letters and other such written communications.
Our children have some indirect contact, the details of which are still being ironed out but they do have one direct contact, their older brother. Oldest small lived with him until he was nearly 3 and they have had contact ever since they were separated. Over the last few weeks we have been asked when we were going to see the older brother so we followed this with a discussion with their social worker and arranged it.
We met in a local indoor play centre and it was a joy to see how pleased the boys were to see each other. They were off like rockets - chatting and climbing as well as encouraging each other to mischief. I could really see why they were separated and placed in different foster placements. It was amazing to see how alike the 2 boys were despite not having lived together in over a year as well as how well they got along - almost like they had never been apart. I was expecting more reservation as it has been some months since they have seen each other.
What surprised me a little was the lack of relationship between our little girl and her oldest brother. To be honest, there wasn't one. He wasn't interested in her and although she tried to play with him I think it was more because her brother was and not because she had any attachment to him. She continued to play happier with my husband and I rather than trying to following the boys. I was a little relieved as she is not big enough or quick enough for that level of rough and tumble.
As for me a part of me feels so guilty - guilty that we can't take this little boy on and keep him with his siblings. I know in my heart we can't. Our home isn't big enough and we have our hands full with the 2 we have, another child, especially one with additional needs, would be too much for us to cope with and every one would suffer. But it breaks my heart that such a lovely little boy has no forever home and could face more and more moves as well as the very real possibility of long term foster care.
My heart goes out to all those children looking for their forever homes and I pray that they can all find it.
Our children have some indirect contact, the details of which are still being ironed out but they do have one direct contact, their older brother. Oldest small lived with him until he was nearly 3 and they have had contact ever since they were separated. Over the last few weeks we have been asked when we were going to see the older brother so we followed this with a discussion with their social worker and arranged it.
We met in a local indoor play centre and it was a joy to see how pleased the boys were to see each other. They were off like rockets - chatting and climbing as well as encouraging each other to mischief. I could really see why they were separated and placed in different foster placements. It was amazing to see how alike the 2 boys were despite not having lived together in over a year as well as how well they got along - almost like they had never been apart. I was expecting more reservation as it has been some months since they have seen each other.
What surprised me a little was the lack of relationship between our little girl and her oldest brother. To be honest, there wasn't one. He wasn't interested in her and although she tried to play with him I think it was more because her brother was and not because she had any attachment to him. She continued to play happier with my husband and I rather than trying to following the boys. I was a little relieved as she is not big enough or quick enough for that level of rough and tumble.
As for me a part of me feels so guilty - guilty that we can't take this little boy on and keep him with his siblings. I know in my heart we can't. Our home isn't big enough and we have our hands full with the 2 we have, another child, especially one with additional needs, would be too much for us to cope with and every one would suffer. But it breaks my heart that such a lovely little boy has no forever home and could face more and more moves as well as the very real possibility of long term foster care.
My heart goes out to all those children looking for their forever homes and I pray that they can all find it.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Holidays
We have returned from our first family holiday - it has been a crazy week and much as we have had some fun I a not sure I want to repeat it. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I went but I am also pleased to be home. We stayed in a gorgeous house with stunning views and easy walking distance of plenty of things to do locally.
We wanted to have so much fun, to see so much and do something all the time and I think we forgot that they are still toddlers - they don't have limitless energy and being in a shared house which is unfamiliar with other people as well as sharing a bedroom with each other will not lead to a good nights sleep. Bed time was our most challenging time as their routine says that they go to bed at the same time but this meant that they kept each other awake with giggling and laughing. The same was true of the morning - whoever woke up first woke the other one up meaning one had less sleep that they needed. We did try a couple of different things especially in light of the events of the week but I have to confess that nothing beats being a home and them sleeping in their beds.
Sadly our youngest small was poorly with a tummy bug which meant we were house bound for 2 days whilst still trying to make sure that eldest small had the chance to get out, see things and burn off some steam.
Our other nightmare was a tumble - oldest small and I tripped each other up and ended up worst for wear although magic cream, a plaster and half a bag of jelly beans worked to calm him down however I can't help feeling a bit guilty in case it was my fault and I keep asking myself if I could have caught him and stopped him banging his face. In the heat of the moment I didn't even realise that I was hurt, all I wanted to do was comfort him and make sure he was ok.
I think our best day of the week was the second day - a trip to a local farm which also housed lots of different toys from outside ride ons to old fashioned games and a giant ball pool. Not a pool of large balls but a massive room filled with balls so deep you could swim in them! My husband reverted to his inner child and had a wonderful time. The whole day started with muddy puddles and wellie boots and just got better and better.
Other memorable moments include oldest small 'swallow diving' fully clothes into the sea - he was so wet we had to pour the water out of his wellies and wring out all his trousers and socks. We also went on a dragon hunt around Tintagel - a truly beautiful place which I would love to visit again when they are older, have longer legs and more tolerance for the wind.
In other news we have received a court date for the adoption hearing - 3 months away but I am sure time will fly past us.
We wanted to have so much fun, to see so much and do something all the time and I think we forgot that they are still toddlers - they don't have limitless energy and being in a shared house which is unfamiliar with other people as well as sharing a bedroom with each other will not lead to a good nights sleep. Bed time was our most challenging time as their routine says that they go to bed at the same time but this meant that they kept each other awake with giggling and laughing. The same was true of the morning - whoever woke up first woke the other one up meaning one had less sleep that they needed. We did try a couple of different things especially in light of the events of the week but I have to confess that nothing beats being a home and them sleeping in their beds.
Sadly our youngest small was poorly with a tummy bug which meant we were house bound for 2 days whilst still trying to make sure that eldest small had the chance to get out, see things and burn off some steam.
Our other nightmare was a tumble - oldest small and I tripped each other up and ended up worst for wear although magic cream, a plaster and half a bag of jelly beans worked to calm him down however I can't help feeling a bit guilty in case it was my fault and I keep asking myself if I could have caught him and stopped him banging his face. In the heat of the moment I didn't even realise that I was hurt, all I wanted to do was comfort him and make sure he was ok.
I think our best day of the week was the second day - a trip to a local farm which also housed lots of different toys from outside ride ons to old fashioned games and a giant ball pool. Not a pool of large balls but a massive room filled with balls so deep you could swim in them! My husband reverted to his inner child and had a wonderful time. The whole day started with muddy puddles and wellie boots and just got better and better.
Other memorable moments include oldest small 'swallow diving' fully clothes into the sea - he was so wet we had to pour the water out of his wellies and wring out all his trousers and socks. We also went on a dragon hunt around Tintagel - a truly beautiful place which I would love to visit again when they are older, have longer legs and more tolerance for the wind.
In other news we have received a court date for the adoption hearing - 3 months away but I am sure time will fly past us.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Me time and a change of scenery
I feel like I am neglecting my blog a little bit at the moment and I am sure I will be forgiven but this evening I was thinking about who I am writing for. The answer was always me. It was my way of recording my thoughts, feelings and the events in my life so I can look back on them and remember as well as sharing them with the people I care about.
Something that have been playing on my mind recently is how I find 'me time'. It is something the social workers insist me finding time for this and I have to rely on Andrew to take over so I can manage it but this week he has been an absolute star. Yesterday I got the whole day to myself to go shopping with some friends and today I had the morning to have a haircut and go to the opticians. They might sound like mundane things but they are not things that I want try and do with 2 toddlers. It has helped so much as it has reminded me that I am me and not just their mummy. Don't get me wrong, being their mummy is the best thing in the world but I am still me.
What really surprises me is how much I miss them when I spend the time away from them and how much time I spend wondering about what they are doing and if they miss me at all. Walking back into the house to see their smiles and hear them calling me brings me so much joy that I never expected. I try not to spend all my time talking about them and yesterday I banned myself from looking at anything child related which was the right thing to do.
Something that we have to look forward to is a complete change of scenery. We are going on holiday. Only for a week and only to Cornwall but it is still a holiday and I am still really looking forward to spending a week just enjoying spending time doing what ever we want - no housework, no jobs and no worries. Andrew can show me some of the places he spent his childhood holidays and we can start making some memories of our own.
The only thing I have to do before we go is to get the paperwork requesting a court date for the adoption order in the post.
Something that have been playing on my mind recently is how I find 'me time'. It is something the social workers insist me finding time for this and I have to rely on Andrew to take over so I can manage it but this week he has been an absolute star. Yesterday I got the whole day to myself to go shopping with some friends and today I had the morning to have a haircut and go to the opticians. They might sound like mundane things but they are not things that I want try and do with 2 toddlers. It has helped so much as it has reminded me that I am me and not just their mummy. Don't get me wrong, being their mummy is the best thing in the world but I am still me.
What really surprises me is how much I miss them when I spend the time away from them and how much time I spend wondering about what they are doing and if they miss me at all. Walking back into the house to see their smiles and hear them calling me brings me so much joy that I never expected. I try not to spend all my time talking about them and yesterday I banned myself from looking at anything child related which was the right thing to do.
Something that we have to look forward to is a complete change of scenery. We are going on holiday. Only for a week and only to Cornwall but it is still a holiday and I am still really looking forward to spending a week just enjoying spending time doing what ever we want - no housework, no jobs and no worries. Andrew can show me some of the places he spent his childhood holidays and we can start making some memories of our own.
The only thing I have to do before we go is to get the paperwork requesting a court date for the adoption order in the post.
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