A different Christmas

This week I have been reflected on last Christmas and the differences between how I was feeling a year ago and today.

Last Christmas I was the epitome of miserable bah humbug-ness. I was not 3 months post miscarriage and the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate or be happy. I refused to decorate, gifts were minimal and all cards, wrapping and necessities were done with no joy and as quickly as I could have got away with. It just felt wrong to be happy when all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. I could barely stand to be around anyone and having to watch my nephews first Christmas and all the excitement that went with was soul destroying. We were also unlucky enough that one of the 'joke' gifts we received was children's book which floored me when I unwrapped it. At the time to prevent an emotion outpouring of my grief all I could do was shove it under the sofa where it stayed until seconds before we left and Andrew 'rescued' it.

This Christmas I promised myself it would be different. I don't want to dwell on the fact that we should be celebrating our first as a family, our baby should have been 6 months old, I want to be able to look forwards, to the future and the process we are starting in the new year that might hopefully mean that next Christmas will be different. As such the tree it up - Bruce the Spruce moved in last weekend and it comfortable in his corner after we rescued him from the reject section of the garden centre. I have written all my cards and posted them. I have also tried to put some thought and effort into gifts and spent time making boxes, wrapping and adding ribbon to them in the hope that all will be appreciated.

Does this mean I will not spare a thought to the baby that should have be with me this year, of course not. I will take a moment on Christmas Day to light a candle, have a tear and remember but it will not take over the day. I am lucky in that, due to work schedules, we are able to spend Christmas Eve evening and Christmas Day with my parents at the home I grew up in, something I have not done since 2003 and this means that I will be surrounded by the people I love the most, the people that care the most and the people that have offered me all the support I could have asked for.