Early Christmas

This weekend was out 'early' Christmas - a date set for us to spend with Andrew's family to have dinner and exchange presents leaving us all free to visit other family on Christmas Day. If I am honest with myself I was really not looking forward to it. Our recent battles with inferilty seem have done this to me - usually I would be the first to be there, making a effort and enjoying spending time with family but since we have been forced to watch those around us have their families whilst we are still waiting is hard and never seems to get any easier. I was also not sure how I would feel about spending quality time with our 16 year old pregnant niece.

I guess I was lucky that my sister wanted to visit and my mother in law was hay for her to be included in the festivities so I had her there for my support. We spent the day shopping, talking and relaxing. It was nice to have a day with shopping bags although the crowds doing their Christmas shopping always stress me out a bit.

So, the plan the evening was arrive, dinner and then presents. Dinner was lovely, prawn cocktail, the traditional turkey with all the trimmings and then (my contribution) mars bar cheesecake or fruit salad for dessert. I always like to take some thing with me, going empty handed feels rude. Afterwards the tradition of handing the presents out commenced and I was really  grateful that everyone had included Hayley with a few little tokens to recognise that she was sharing the day with us. My materialistic side wants to list the things I was gifted - all of which showed thought - a lovely pair of earnings, vouchers for my favorite clothes shop, vouchers for me to have my nails done, cookery books (brownies and chocolate) and a beautiful pen but my heart and soul will be forever grateful that there were no 'bad taste' gifts this year. Not once did I want to hide from the world and it was a joy to see our nephew playing with his toys and getting excited about the whole affair.

I also was pleased that being around my niece was not too stressful. Everyone seems to try and shield me from her but I have to get used to it. I am not angry with her, I think she has been very silly but I do wish her all the very best with her pregnancy, birth and I want her to be a wonderful mum but this doesn't take away the sadness and jealousy I feel when I look at her and wish it was me. My brain tells me that it will never be me and I have come to terms with that but I wish it would remind my heart that there is no point wishing for something that will never be.

I have started to follow a blog that a friend has started: http://clarice-swimouttomeetit.blogspot.com/2011/12/couple-of-days-ago-i-mentioned-that-my.html?spref=fb
and her challenge yesterday was to be kind to yourself and do one thing to make yourself smile. Today I plan to do just that. I plan to remind myself that I have battled things that no one should have to, that I have survived (with my marriage intact) where many have fallen and that I am still fighting for a better future.