Infertility Awareness Month

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning,
relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April
is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a
family member, a colleague or yourself has fought
through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of
... women and men are fighting day in and day out.
These ladies and gentlemen have walked to hell
and back for the chance to be a Mummy - but for
some they aren't so fortunate. ♥

Infertility is a huge thing in my life, it is a black cloud that has surrounded me for such a long time and it is the cause of my depression, heart ache and devastation. The piece above says a lot but I don't think it really emphasises the true destruction power that infertility has.

I also want to mention a friend, an online friend who I have never met in the real world, who has been dealt a crushing blow this week. Her husband has no sperm and so her chances of having a baby of her own are in tatters. Their options are to use a donor or to adopt. I want to offer her all the love and support in the world but there is nothing I can do or say that will make her pain any easier to deal with.

I guess I am lucky that I have a future, I have a plan to move on and although it is taking time there is something for me to continue to work towards. There are some who are not eligible to take the steps that I have nor are they able to do so for whatever reason, I wish that was not the case but sadly it is. This does not take away my pain. It does not make it any less. It does not mean that all is now well. Adoption comes with its own problems. 

I have already done a post on here some where about infertility etiquette, things not to say and do and the like, and I want to remind people of it:

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1779948495113014623#editor/target=post;postID=6674101515480680377

Do me a favour. Read It. Remember it. And think before you open your mouth.

A bad day

Friday finally and I am feeling really rotten this morning. I am tired and have about had enough. There was another announcement last night on facebook and I feel like it was the straw that broke my back - it seems to have done me in for the foreseeable future as it is not fair that I have to go through the adoption process for a family. It is not fair that I have to prove that I am good enough, that Andrew is good enough, that our home is suitable, that the cats are acceptable and that we have the funds to support children. It is not fair.

What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it. It makes me so angry and I feel so hopeless.

I try so hard to make the most of the situation we are in but I want normal children. I don’t want children that have been damaged by people not fit to be parents but that is my lot in life – if we are deemed good enough to parent these children. It makes me so very angry. I think I need to take a break but there is no break from life.

Today I also had a moment. Today it was nappies – a friend who is rightly excited about her pregnancy seems to, without realising turn most conversations back to it and today it was nappies. It is hard, I do care and I am excited for my friends who are that lucky but I am jealous and that is that and, whilst I know they aren't rubbing my nose in (so to speak), that it what it feels like in my brain and I don’t need my nose rubbing in my failure for ever and I feel like it will be.

I seem to be having more and more bad days - is it the stress of the assement? Possibly. I am afraid that we will not be approved? Yes. I am afraid that we will be approved and there will never be a match found. Definatly. It seems easy to get carried away with the excitment of other people but that I am trying to stay grounded as this road might still end with a dead end.

Number 6

It seems like only yesterday that our social worker was with us last. But it was appointment number 6 yesterday and our home work was submitted in plenty of time.

The topics of conversation were our experiences of children and working with children in whatever capacity and setting and how we expect our lives to change once we have children. I have to admit this was the easiest piece of home work I think I have done so far as it is all so subjective.

The first bit was short and simple. We both have a little bit of experience from our pasts but we are not child care professionals. Andrew's experiences are based around his time with the children of family and friends. My experiences are a bit different as we have no children in my immediate family (I don't have a lot of immediate family really) and most of my friends are just starting to have children and many are not that local to me so I don't often get to spend a lot of time with them. My experiences come from voluntary work. First from helping my Mum out at the school she worked at by helping in the classroom and on class trips and then more recently at a school local to me as a Reading Buddy (a scheme run by our local city council) but mainly as a volunteer coach for a trampoline club.

The trampoline club was something I was involved with for about 2 - 2.5 years and something I really enjoyed and was sorry to have to stop when I moved away. It had been set up by parents for children with special needs and their siblings (who have their own special needs) and was attended by up to 20 children a week with wide ranging abilities and requirements.
The second element of the discussion was a lot more practical and a lot more subjective. There is no way we can say what might change with the exception of saying that life will change - a lot most  likely and we are going to have to reassess our priorities and make sure that our children come first. Do I think we will need to be more organised? Not really, I am already an organised person and leave little to spontaneity but I guess I will be organising differently.

There were plenty of examples like what would you do with a child with fussy eating habits, how you manage an angry child and what sort of things could you consider for children with a range of needs including learning difficulties, communication problems and various medical conditions. Our experiences have stood us in good stead to answer the questions but it is easy to answer a question, I wonder how easy it will be to out everything into practise when we have a screaming child in front of us. I guess only time will tell.

It feels so much more real know that we are finally talking about children - what sort of children are out there and we might be considered for as well as those we might consider, what sort of parents we would want to be for them and what we would do to support them. It is all very exciting especially as I can almost see the end of our assessment process.

Home for this week was to look at how we would deal with various issues in a age specific way, issues like temper tantrums, fussy eating, bed wetting and swearing along with starting to draft some ideas as to what children we would or would not consider and why on a draft version of our PAR (Prospective Adopters Report). I expect the second element to this homework to be difficult as it is a sensitive subject which we did discuss yesterday. Luckily our social worker was very understanding and confirmed that we are asked these things to make the best possible match for the children involved which I completely understand. I do think that these things are swaying me towards younger children as they do have am element of the unknown about them and should issues arise we will manage as we would for a birth child.

Roll on next week and out next appointment . . . . .

PJ Party for Parkinson

As a member of Ladies Circle I have been involved in a number of wild and crazy events but none more important than the time spent raising money for various charities.

Last night I am took part in a PJ party in aid of Parkinson's UK to mark the end of Parkinson's Awareness Week. There was a plan and it seemed to go with out a hitch - 23 ladies in their PJs including one Andy Pandy and an empty car showroom which we filled with chairs, sleeping bags, food, wine and various activities.
The plan was 7pm to 7am and, to cut a long story short, we made it!

We did managed a wine tasting, a take away, chick flick and other activities including an epic game of Jenga which I lost most spectacularly. (As well as the game after that as well - I am not sure I was at my best at 4am). We celebrated the end of our 12 hours with a trip, in our PJs to the local McDonalds. After that it was home, a shower and my bed!

Special Occasions

This weekend as been absolutely manic. First a wedding - I love weddings. It is a wonderful time for friends and family to celebrate the love that 2 people have for each other. Friday was no exception. 2 lovely people very much in love and the day was a celebration of that love in a way that was very personal to them - the perfect ingredients to a wonderful day.

I do hope they have the happiest of long lives together.

After a flying visit to visit my parents and Grandma it was time for the next special occasion - the Christening of a friends' son. I sat in the truly beautiful church surrounded by so many happy families and felt really sad. It was wonderful to see my friends with their beautiful son but still I have to deal with my own sadness.

I was really sad that I will never have a day where I can take my child, introduce them to all my friends and family and have a 'naming ceremony' (whether we choose a christening or a non religious naming service) as I will not name my children. They will come with names as well as other parents. I listened to the service which spoke of how families were blessed with children and tears formed as I wondered why I was not blessed. Why we have to struggle and suffer when some families can have 2, 3, 4 and often even more children but we can't have any at all. We have to prove ourselves good enough to parent children damaged by their own birth parents.

People often tell me we will be better parents for our experiences but better than what? Better than who? I don't want to be a perfect parent and I don't want to be a better parent than someone else I just want to be a parent, a Mum who can love her children unconditionally but above all I want to be a normal Mum with normal children and a normal family and that will never happen.

I love these special occasions but do find them hard as they remind me of what I don't have, what I can't have and what I will never have.

Round 5 - Halfway there

Today was appointment number 5 for us and with it being the 5^th (when you count the individual appointments as 3 and 4) and we are expected about 8 or 9 I think I am safe to say this is a good point to make half way through this stage.

This afternoon the topic was our support network and an ecomap. I knew before we started this exercise that we have a good support network, our friends and family have shown us this time and time again, often without being asked. It just showed when we started naming people and then categorising them as what sort of support they will offer us and it was great that we kept remembering people and adding them to an already substantial list.

We also spent some time looking at groups we are part of and how how we might continue our involvement in them. Ladies Circle was not a big thing - I will do as I do know, attend when I can and when the timing is right and I look forward to that but our re-enacting was a bigger discussion. It is something that not many people understand and that means they can be wary of it but we concuded that as long as we were mindful of our children's histories and their needs it would be a positive thing for them.

It is amazing how quickly these sessions have gone when I look back to how long we waiting from out initial assessment to our preparation course. I wondered if the next few will fly by so quickly and them what the wait for our approval panel will look like. Our next session is booked for in 2 weeks time and we are covering our experience of looking after children and how we expect our lives to change when children are placed with us - we even have homework!

;-(

How do i feel this morning?

Sad. There is no other word for it and i can’t even put my finger on  exactly why I am feeling so sad.

Everyone is still sleeping, last night was a bit of a late one but I don’t seem to be able to find sleep. I keep forgetting how hard some things still are and I head towards them like a steam train pretending that everything is ok – that I can be the adult and that by now I ought to be used to it all. And then I it smacks me in the face. I can be as blasé about things to other people as much as I want but it doesn’t work on myself. For some reason I can make myself believe.

Last night was a big family meal – 3 generations around a big table and the 4^th in obvious ‘readiness to launch’. It reminds me that the 4^th generation is being born and I am still without, I am still waiting for my ‘next generation’ as well as the very real fact that it might never even happen. It feels like another smack in face of all the positivity I have tried to armour myself with. I guess I need to remember that no matter how good it is, there is chink in every suit of armour.

I does not help that I constantly remind myself that I wouldn't wish my circumstances on anymore else, they are still shoes I don't want to wear.

I also had a conversation earlier in the week with my Grandma – she has her own worries and there is not much I can do except listen and support when I can. But it struck me to my very core when she spoke of how excited my mum is to visit my cousin’s babies, how much she is looking forward to seeing them, playing with them and just generally being around them. There is no reason why she shouldn’t but, quite frankly, it hurts me to hear it as it should be my children she is excited to see. And it’s not.

For some being childless is a choice, a valid choice but for others it is a never ending nightmare and whilst it is wonderful to see the joy that children bring it is bittersweet and it hurts my heart.

Are you there God? It's me, Victoria.

Every so often Andrew and I will have a discussion that leads me down the path of thought. This week my thoughts have been trigger not only by conversation but also a trip to the cinema to see 'Wrath of the Titans' (a decent action film for those who don't want to think too much). This week I have been thinking about God.

One of the elements in our PAR (Prospective Adopter's Report) includes our views on religion as it is important for adoptive children it is important that religious beliefs are supported as this is considered to be a vital part of the child's identity. It started me thinking what my religious background might.

I went to a Catholic school yet I am not Catholic, it just worked that way. I choose to get married in a Church of England church. My Grandma is a Methodist. My mum took us to different churches when we were younger based on where we lived but that stopped when I started to play hockey on a Sunday morning.

What I can say without any shadow of doubt is that I don't actively practise religion.

My studies always told me that religion was a huge cause of conflict, not only historical but also in the present day. My common sense tells me that no matter what any one believes we are all the same, equal and have the right to believe whatever we choose - whether than be in a 'God' or other all powerful being or whether in nothing at all. 

Which leads my thoughts to the question do I believe in God? In any shape or form. A piece of me would like to but I struggle to reconcile it with the image of a God that is supposed to love me. Surely an all powerful being that loved me would not have made me suffer the nightmares that I have nor would it allow for the terrible things that happen to good people. I know the theological debate would last an eternity but I though religion was supposed to be very personal and had to include a leap of faith. I know that in times of adversity some people turn to God for supportive and find comfort in the idea but in my hour of desperation I found that was angry with 'God' and consistently asked the question 'why me, what did I ever do wrong'?

I also found the hardest thing to take was people saying to me 'it has all happened for a reason'. There has to be a damn good reason for some one to be put through infertility and then miscarriage and if that reason is that we come to adopt and lives are made better for it then maybe I will find acceptance of this statement. For now it remains on my top 100 stupid things to say to some one in my position.

Whatever I think I know that I will be able to support and educate any child in their choice of religion but I want to make sure that it is their own choice: not forced upon them by me, their birth family, social worker or any one else.