Meeting the Foster Carers

Yesterday was a crazy day as in one swoop we met not only the paediatrician who has assessed the children and prepared their medical reports but we also met the foster carers who they are currently living with.

I have always had a great deal of respect for foster carers – especially since my parents fostered when I was younger as they are expected to perform miracles from taking children at a moments notice, though dealing with whatever needs they come with, to handing them onwards whether that be back to birth families, to more suitable care arrangements or to adoptive parents. I can only imagine how difficult it is to hand over a child you have become attached to even though you know that one day it will happen.

I was really nervous, I desperately wanted this couple to like us, to find us suitable to be parents to the children in their care. The problem was waiting until the end of the day as it dragged. Once we had met them I couldn't believe how silly I had been as they were truly lovely and I cam imagine they will be very supportive when the time comes..

Anyway we went with a list of questions to rival the Spanish Inquisition, pages of them, which went into every single detail we could think of in the hope that we could learn as much as possible about the children and what we might expect. It was really hard to know what to expect. Luckily they answered most questions before we had chance to ask them and they even brought more photos and video clips to show us.

I ought to add that meeting the paediatrician was very interesting as she has completed medicals on both the children since they  have been in the care system. She did go through worst case scenarios for both but her honest opinions were positive.

So, things are looking good.

Horses for Courses

Our social worker has been good enough to invite us to attend 3 different courses that are run by a child psychologist and cover a number of different topics. We were really pleased to be invited to attend these as we figured it would arm us with useful information about things we might expect in the future.

We attended the first course yesterday; the topic was Grief, Loss and Separation for Children.  It feels like most people presume grief and loss come from a bereavement but for looked after children that is not always the case. These children move from placement to placement and often before that have experienced chaotic lives with birth families and so each time this happens the child experiences a loss and the grief that this separation causes. They also loose their possessions along the way along with their surroundings from nursery and school to the familiar set of swings at the nearest park and family pets.

It really amazed me but the number of things children loose naturally as they progress into adulthood but for looked after children is seems to magnify and because many suffer from poor attachments it is made even harder. Sadly some of these loses we can’t prevent, change or make any easier but for a few there is.

We know that our children will come with their things and we have been strongly advised to, wherever possible, replicate what they are used to in order to make the transition a little bit smoother. The more I understand about attachment the more I understand why, I am bit sad that I lack choice (although that is tempered with relief after I saw just how much choice their was) I want to make sure they have the smoothest transition we can possibly give them.

Whilst the course was very interested what I found the most enlightening was listening to the foster carers also attending talk about their experiences of children that have come into their care and then moved on. It reminded me that our children are in such a placement and that their foster carers will have to prepare them to move as well as dealing with their own loss as the children have been a part of their lives for a long time. 

Our next course is in three and half weeks time and covers Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and Neo-Natal Abstinence and is the one course I am not really looking forward to. In the mean time we have 2 other appointments to attend this week and I can’t wait.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and I'll be joining the international Wave of Light in memory of my angel and all the other little ones across the world who've been lost during pregnancy, birth and infancy. To take part in the Wave of Light, just light a candle for an hour between 7-8pm.

 

2 years ago I suffered my only loss - somewhere between 6 and 7 weeks after infertility treatments and at the time it felt like my world had ended. I can look back today and realise that although my world didn't end it was the worst period of my life as I had to come to terms with the end of the pregnancy just as I was getting excited about it and my inability to have children at all. Then, as now, I had the most amazing support from the people around me - from those family and friends who are closest to me as well as people from the outskirts of life who added the support and love and helped me to come to terms with my loss and to heal.

 

Yesterday, with a number of friends, I completed the Great Eastern Run in Peterbough. Of the group of 7, 2 completed the half marathon in less than 2 hours and 15 minutes and the rest of us completed the fun run in 65 minutes. Not bad for a lady on crutches (not me, our inspirational team leader!) Together we have raised over £1000 in sponsorship and done our very best to achieve as much publicity for the Miscarriage Association as possible so to support them in support others who have suffered such a loss. I was incredibly proud to stand as part of such a great team.

 

Today I want to say thank you. And to lit my candle and remember.

 

Tomorrow I continue on my journey a better person for the experiences I have had.

Photographs

Yesterday we met the social worker of the children we are being linked to and she very kindly showed us some photographs of the children. They are absolutely beautiful! Nothing like I imagined from the descriptions on the profiles but still beautiful.

But it got me to thinking about when it might be best to show a prospective adoptive parent a photograph of a child. When we were first told about them we were given copies of their CPRs (their Child Permanence Reports). These documents told us everything about the children from significant dates, histories, physical appearance, preferences and relationships. But they did not include photographs – these had been specifically removed and many people around me were surprised by this.

I wasn’t.

I was pleased that we were able to form an attachment to these children because of what we knew about them and not what they looked like. One of my concerns from early in the process was that I would not be able to say to children once I had seen a photograph of them no matter what the issues surrounding them and I can see how dangerous this might be. The last thing that anyone wants is for children to go into the wrong adoptive placement as this causes nothing but pain and heartbreak for all involved. For many prospective adoptive parents, myself included, I have wanted a family so desperately for such a long time that I can see how easy it would be to accept a child or children that I knew might not be the best match.

I suppose that in this respect I am lucky as the children we being linked do look, sound and feel like the right match for us, last night’s appointment cemented that as we found a lot more about their personalities, their likes and dislikes and their relationships with the people around them.

The next steps is to wait for some more appointments - with the foster carer and the paediatrician for a start.

An Expedition

As I said earlier in the week I have made a start on some of my shopping as we may not have a huge amount of time to collect everything we are going to need for our children before the move in. When a couple realises they are going to be parents they have the entire pregnancy to prepare – anything up to 8 whole months. For us we have at the most possibly 3 months which is less than half and although it sounds like a long time it really doesn’t feel like it especially when we need to prepare ourselves for 2 children at different ages and with very different requirements.

So, how did I get started? Looking online is one thing but you can’t tell relative size or practicalities so I took myself to the shops. The massive Kiddicare in Peterborough and a nearby Toys’r’us as well as a huge Asda and what did I conclude? That the world of retail and baby/ children’s products is not geared up for families accepting into their lives 2 children who are not newborn. So much we came across was ‘from birth’ or ‘from 9 months’. Looking round it was presumed that we would already have so much from our children being newborns and that just isn’t the case.

I know that adoption is not a route chosen by the majority and I know that the retail world caters for the majority but it was so hard looking round these places and to so much saying ‘ we don’t need, our children will be too old’. And most of it to things I always wanted – Moses baskets, activity mats and gyms, cot mobiles, high chairs, prams: a whole world of things we will never need. The whole experience, whilst being so very exciting was also upsetting as it was a huge reminder of what I will not have. As much as I can’t wait for the ‘firsts’ that will be ours to share I wish I could have had them all.   

What is in a name?

A few months ago there was a, quite frankly, awful article about adopted children and their names which went into the issues surrounding some of the more unusal names and whether it is right for adoptive parents to change names. I don't like the idea of changing a child's name - after all they are not animals to rename when they are rehomed although I can see the sense when there is significant risk for the child or when the name makes then easy to identify and locate.

One of my biggest fears around being matched with children, after waiting forever to be matched, was what if I hated their names. How was I going to use those names every day knowing that I didn't like them and that I hadn't chosen them?

I guess I am lucky.

Today I know the names of the children we are being linked to and much as I desperatly want to share then with the entire world I also want to be able to annouce them to family and friends as any new parent would and because of that I will wait until I know that they are definatly for us and when they will come to live with us and then I will share them with the world.

And the best bit - I like their names. One I would have chosen for my own child and the other is just as nice and I can't wait until I can use them every single day.

An Update

It has been a while since I have found something to blog about however life has been really busy and time since to have flown past since we went to our approval panel over a month ago. On one hand if feels like yesterday but on the other hand it feels like forever ago. Last week we saw our social worker to talk over the profiles we were given for 2 children and this week we are meeting with their social worker to pursue whether they could be a suitable match for us.

It is so very exciting and so far everything is looking very promising. So promising that I have allowed myself to start collecting a few little bits and pieces that could be suitable for any child that we adopt and not specifically these 2. So far I have a few books and  toys, a wooden height chart, a pair of monitors, a booster seat (to fit a dining chair so our child can sit to the table with us), a bath thermometer and some anti slip fish to go in the bath - it doesn't sound like much but if feels like so much to me. I have also found a wonderful second hand pushchair that will be perfect for what we need and hopefully if will suit the child.

I know that it is bad luck to have these things in the house this early but I think I have had my quota of bad luck for one life time so I am prepared to risk it. I refuse to by anything child specific at the moment but it is such a lovely feeling to think that every day we could be closer to bringing our children home.

After our appointment later this week my next event is the Great Eastern Fun Run next weekend and my Miscarriage Association t-shirt with bright blue tutu and leg warmers are ready to do - wish me luck!