Unconditional Love

Some time ago, at work, a colleague and I were talking about our children. It is no secret at work that they are adopted - they watched me leave work not pregnant and come back 12 months later with 2 pre school aged children. Then she made a comment that stopped me in my tracks:


"it must be so hard to love them as much as birth children"


I couldn't believe what I was hearing.


She really thought that all those parents who adopt children, take on step children, generally look after, care for, and love children that are not biologically linked to them didn't love them as much as a birth parent loves the child they have created.


It made me desperately sad.


But then I thought about it some more. I know lots of parents who have taken on the children of their parents, who have adopted and they all love their children. In most instances there is no difference between then and the families with birth children that we know and spend time with.


I have nothing to compare it to. I don't have birth children so I may never really understand whether I would love a birth child more than I love the children that I have. What I do know is that I love my children. Unconditionally. I would move heaven and earth for them, take them to the stars and bring them back again and as far as I am concerned that is all I need.

Being Recognised

This is our third Christmas as a family and next month sees the anniversary of when the smalls came home to us. Even after 3 years we are still learning and we still make mistakes. Even after 3 years there are days which feel like they last for years and we are grateful when it comes to bed time. But, after 3 years, we wouldn't change anything.

Christmas is out worst time of year. The change in routine, the added excitement and constant bombardment of everything Christmas related adds to the anxiety levels and makes breakdowns much more common. A few days ago was no exception - a breakdown because we asked him to get out of the bath and he wanted more time. 40 minutes later calm was restored.

At the weekend we also a breakdown to manage, he was over tired, over excited and emotionally pickled. We chose to continue with the standard routine and wen to rugby but then training was interrupted by a visit from Santa, another disruption. It ended in him sat in the middle of the pitch crying, screaming and generally refusing to do anything so we went away, back to the car, away from all other distractions to calm down. It must have looked terrible to the other parents watching, I didn't even reason with him, I just  gently took him arm and took him away.  It turns out he wanted to be in the photo with the other children, one destined to be in the newspaper and I had refused and asked him to come away. All I wanted was to keep him safe but he saw this as me not letting him be the same as his friends.

This does lead to another dilemma -at what point do I relax about pictures of them being out there? In the paper, on the school website, even on my own facebook page?
Looking back at old photos they have both changed so much in the last 3 years that neither are recognisable at a glance. But I want to keep them safe, I want to keep the risk of being found by birth family as small as possible. I might be being paranoid, they might not even be looking for them but, and there is always a but, what if?

A Special Treat

Some years ago I sat and watched an advert on the TV. At that time the prospect of having children was at the forefront of my mind but it was birth children that were still my dream. I saw that advert and I promised myself that I would take my children. Roll forward some years and the past is different to the future that I had in mind that day but the aspiration remained. Last weekend I took them to see Disney on Ice.

It was amazing. 2 hours, with an interval of singing, skating and laughter. We saw Cars driving about on the ice, the cast of Frozen skating in the snow and the Little Mermaid surrounded by bubbles plus, my personal favourite, Mickey and Minnie Mouse comparing the whole thing. I could have cried with joy watching the amazement on their faces as the whole things presented itself before them and my feeling mean for saying no to the concession stands melted away.

I have to point out that I am usually one for reasonable treats when it comes to special occasions but the pricing of all the merchandise and Disney labelled confectionary meant that we had sweets that I took with me and portions of chips from the normal concession stand. My only exception was a programme which came with a pair of Mickey Mouse ears which I wore for the afternoon to prevent arguments.

But it was an amazing experience and one that I was happy to be able to share with my children. Plus I get to keep my Mickey Mouse ears and wear them around the house as much as I like

It's the most wonderful time of the year . . . .

Christmas is all about children.
We are only buying gifts for the children.

It was said so many times before there were children in my world and it sounded like common sense. When it came to the time that we wanted children but there were none they were some of the cruellest words I heard. As we gear up towards the season for being jolly I am reminded that, for many who are still waiting for children to enjoy Christmas with, this is still a very painful time of year where the void is even more pronounced. I try to be sensitive to people around me, I know that I don't always succeed but I do try. I offer to them an apology if I do cause pain but also a prayer of hope that the void can filled for future Christmases.

In our house we do have to be careful at this time of year for another reason. Our children are very aware of the time of year and very aware that, in their short lives, 2 of their biggest moves occurred after Christmas. Despite reassurance we see in their behaviour that there is a deep rooted concern that it will happen again. I has tarnished the previous 2 years as we try to keep things low key and without to much change to routine (always cue for unsettled behaviours) but school don't help as classes are changed to make room for performances and their rehearsals, there are parties, trips to see Father Christmas and the Christmas lights plus visits and visitors and the house is different with the tree and the decorations. Put into context it is enough to unsettle even the most settled of souls never mind children like mine.

It is hard to get my head around the fact that there is still a degree of uncertainty about the permanence of their place with us. For me, they were permanent the moment I met them but I am the adult and therefore in a position of 'knowing'.


But I am not 4 or even 6 years old with multiple moves already under my belt.

Crisis Management

Last week we had a crisis. A water leaking emersion tank crisis which meant the carpet in oldest's bedroom was wet, as was the base of his bed and to dry it all out he couldn't sleep in there. A sigh of relief when we remember that youngest now has a bunk bed so we cleared the toys, set up his pillow and duvet and prayed that they would sleep ok in the same room whilst we got on with finding and fixing the leak whilst everything else dried out.

It seemed to ok. Half an hour between bed times meant that youngest was asleep and none of oldest's antics woke her (getting out of bed, collecting toys etc) but they mornings were fun as they took it in turn to wake each other.

Then came the real crisis. He had to go back into his own bedroom.
We moved the bed back. he helped me put all his books and clothes away. I made a fuss of making his bed with clean sheets and making sure all his toys were where he wanted them to bed. Then, half an hour after youngest went to bed, we declared bed time and the bad mood turned from grumpy to full blown despair. He did not want to go back into his room and sleep on his own. The screaming tantrum lasted nearly 45 minutes and took both of us taking it in turns trying to calm him down. he did not want to sleep on his own, he did not want us to turn the hall light off (something we do because otherwise he gets up, pushes his door full open and plays using this light), he did not want us to pull his door to (again something we do the noise from us doesn't disturb him - we never close the door fully).  I am not proud to say that eventually we threatened him with the removal of privileges before he would finally calm down enough to listen to us and be calmed down. 


Once again , this weekend, we started out well only for a complete meltdown over a spoon with the resulting tantrum including a room trashing session. I love my son dearly but his anger, often directed towards myself or his sister, is so destructive and we struggle to know how to manage it.


We do have a request for some support via the Adoption Support Fund but these things take time, time that I don't want to wait for because I want to help him now.

A New Role

I am exceptionally excited to have been offered and accepted the position of Adopter Voice Champion with Adoption UK for the Lincolnshire area.

I am hoping that in this position I can interact with more adoptive parents (face to face and online), understand the issues that they face and hopefully work with the charity to push forward improvements for parents who had already adopted and those who will adopt in the future. In all this I want to make the lives of children better - even if my work only helps a single child it will be worth the effort.

The adoption process has already improved dramatically since we went through it - the reports are more streamlined and the courses are interspersed with the formal training days. The panels are smaller and, I hope, less daunting but whilst all these improvements for parents are in place the emphasis is still on the children and making sure that they are safe and with the right parents at the end of the day. All the media attention of the issues have to help and with any luck the right steps are being taken.

There is a lot in the system to support children who have backgrounds and histories that include the care system. Pupil premium plus, an allowance that schools can request, is available for all these children but it is stills with the school as to how they want to spend it. Many younger children are benefitting from the 2 year old funding for pre school provisions - I know that my daughter did and that her being in a pre school allowed me to have more one to one time with my son and thus benefitted him as well. Post adoption support is something that I am struggling to work with at the moment, it is not as good as I was expecting it to be.


I have already been to meet some of the Lincolnshire team, we didn't adopt through this agency and so they are all new faces to me and I was encouraged by how positive they were about the improvements that this process could bring and I am waiting to find out when the first face to face forums will take.  


This weekend I am off on my first training day and I can't wait.

Out of this World

It is great that the kids bring homework projects from school for the holiday - there is always an opportunity for something really creative and fun. This half term oldest brought his work sheet home, it said 'Out of this World'. "I want to make a rocket". Not a space station or a solar system or anything else. A rocket.

Ok, we can do this. After a couple of days with Grandparents whilst we collected supplies it was time for oldest and his dad (youngest helping) to make this rocket. His dad had collected cardboard tubing from a local carpet shop - yep a carpet shop. Thus the tubing must have been at least 8 foot long. He had 2 of them. When I asked him how big it was going to be the answer was no bigger than oldest. I was ok with that, He lied.

I got home from work to be presented with not one, but two rockets. Neither of them the size of oldest or smaller. The first, resourced and researched and modelled on a Russian rocket was sat, 5 foot tall and looking magnificent. The second, i was told, was a 2-stage rocket and so in 2 pieces. Both pieces 5 foot in height - when outside the smaller firsts inside the other and this too was covered and paper machie drying and ready for painting.

My first thought was ' how I am going to get them into school?'

The next night I got home to see the painting version. WOW!


The I had to get it into school. I had to use the larger of our 2 cars and got some serious looks as I carried one under my arm, had oldest carrying one of his shoulder and helped youngest manage the third. I was glad it wasn't raining. They went straight into the classroom and the teacher's look was one of pure horror - I am not sure she expected anything as 'big'. Even the year 2 teacher came for a look.


What I don't want is them back at the end of term. I am not sure that I will be that lucky.

Hearing Voices

This is a difficult post for me. I have been doing my best for both my children and at the moment I feel like my best really might not be good enough.

My oldest is hearing voices. Voices that are telling him to do naughty, destructive and dangerous things. These voices told him to knock the house down with a hammer. To pull his wallpaper off his wall. He has been caught leaning out of his bedroom window (it is locked closed now). He knows that these things are wrong, I think the voices scare him and I have no idea how to help him. At the moment we are in the place where he will tell me when the voices are saying things to me so we can talk about what they are saying and hopefully stop him from acting on it.

I have emailed social services and told them we need support - quickly and without having to mess about waiting. I doubt that my quickly and their quickly are the same thing and I am also worried that the help will be just for my husband and I. We might have to fight to get them to talk directly with oldest. It is a fight that I will enter into without hesitation.

In the meantime, in the hope that anything was better than nothing, I asked oldest about this voice - I was amazed by the level of detail he went into. An old man, always cross and rude with one blue eye and one red eye and with grey hair. He described his arms and hands. The man even has a name. He was so sure that he drew me a picture and we then locked it in an empty drawer. In the mind of a child if the man is in the drawer he can't also be in his head. We shall see if it helps.

Organised Activities

Now that the smalls are really settled into school we are once again looking for organised activities for them to enjoy way from school. As a youngster I enjoyed loads from Brownies/ Guides, ballet, swimming, hockey and trampolining.

I have oldest's name down for Beavers as soon as there is a place for him. I am hoping the variety of activities will stop him getting bored plus the chance of camping is always a motivation. Youngest has started a gymnastics class after school which she seems to be enjoying, For the last 2 weekends I have taken them to rugby. The original plan was for oldest to have a go and see what he thought. In the end both children got stuck in, participated and had a blast and so we are planning to let them both go. I had hoped it would teach oldest about being part of a team, working together and maybe a little patience. I am still hopeful as the coaching staff seemed very good and, after a full hour of running about, they were both shattered, covered in mud but happy and begging to go again.

What I don't want to do it over fill the week - school is exhausting as it is. Oldest has more homework since he started year 1 and we have reading books to do every day. I would also like to try and get swimming back in as this was during the rugby slot. It might be something I try as an afters school activity but this means swimming after work for me and I am not sure and Saturdays are already pretty full. Might have to be something we do at half terms more often. I sometimes wish my working week was 1 day less and my weekend lasted an extra day but I have to work with what I have got.

In other news the last round of contact letters has gone in and I have been offered a voluntary position with Adoption UK after which I am exceptionally excited.

Books

I love to read, books are a world where I can send myself to escape reality and forget my cares for a little while. My preference is for fantasy and science fiction but I do enjoy historical fiction as well. I have dabbled elsewhere and will have a go at pretty much anything once. I would like it if my children could learn my love of books but at the moment I am finding that school are not as supportive as I would like.

We were told, when oldest started school, that his book would be changed twice a week. It is not. He gets a new book once a week. he will read his new book lovely for the first 3 days and then after he is bored. I get it - I wouldn't read the same book twice without reading something else in the middle so would never do it 4 times in 4 days. I asked the school to change his book more often and was told that they don't have time. I was also told that he could read one of his own books. I get that - he has a lot of books and the teacher's time is not infinite. I like to read to him (I try to read to them both daily) but I am not a teacher and I am scared that in choosing on his own books that, if I pick the wrong one or something too difficult I will put him off.

Now I have a second child in the same school and, over 2 weeks in, she still doesn't have a school book to bring home. She has been asking since day 1 to read her book as her older brother does so we have been choosing a book and she has been using the pictures to tell me the story with the odd attempt at basic words (she has her letters sorted). It is hard to see that the school struggles to find time to change reading books, I can imagine resources are limited and time is precious.

We are also experimented with books in different formats. Books on paper are wonderful but both children really enjoy audio books and for in the car they are amazing! We have already listened to the Hobbit over the summer, just a little bit at a time. I found a couple more on Amazon and have saved them for Christmas presents. I have also loaded the Kindle app onto the tablet that my oldest uses and tried to load some child friendly books, they are all a bit hard for him to read himself at the moment and the ones that I have chosen lack pictures so I am hoping he will enjoy these more when he is older and a more confident reader.

For my next read I doubt I have picked a literary classic but hopefully it will keep me quiet for a little bit. Once the children are asleep.

Another new start.

Youngest started school today.

I have to spare a mention for oldest, he seems to have the rough enough of the stick at the moment as the world seems to be focused on her and he is struggling a lot. On holiday it was all about how gorgeous she was and he was an after thought meaning that we tried to make more of him but that wasn't the same to him and he was openly jealous and so naughty as a result. Once we got back it was all about preparing for his birthday and we hoped this would give him some perspective as well as reinforce the idea that he has to take turns to be the focus of attention. But now his birthday is over and the wrapping paper and cake almost finished it is all about going back to school. He just has a weekend treat with his grandparents to go so I am hoping that will help.

(The birthday celebrations were understated but happy with oldest liking all his presents and his cake. I am not sure which was his favourite between the CD player and the skateboard but he did love his dinosaurs).

Except he is going back to school and she is starting a new school. He has a new class, a new teacher and all that comes with moving up a year but the school is familiar, so is the uniform, the format of the day, the meals and even the playground. For youngest is is all new. I had to remind oldest that last year the fuss was on him when started reception but he doesn't recall that and if he does he is choosing not to reflect it to what is happening today.

They both looked really smart in the new school uniform this morning, They both had shiny new shoes, bags with no scuffs and nothing was screwed up or covered with food/paint/pen. I can't reconcile the 2 children I saw this morning with the terrified toddlers we met in January 2013. I have the photos and I have lived the last 2 and a half years but I still can put the 2 images together and conclude that they are the same children. Their Daddy took them to school complete with P.E. kits and completed homework and they went in with no fuss, excited to be there. Hopefully they will come home as happy. I am expecting them to be worn out.

Rules of Survival - The Wheels on the Car go . . . . .

As a big fan of the car over the bus or train for many different reasons we do most of our long distance in the car. I much prefer to leave when I am ready and I don't want to be subjected to other passengers in the same way I am pretty sure that they don't want to listen to me entertain my little darlings for a couple of hours.

1) Toys! Lots of small, none noise making bits and pieces from books to drawing pads (those magnetic ones) and even the tablet (on silent but the risk of sound, exceptionably irritating sound, is high). We can also pass a happy hour in the car taking it in turns to sing songs and those with hand actions are great thus 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' is popular as is 'Incey Wincey Spider' and 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. We are also getting better at I Spy, Spot It and we are trying to teach them Rock, Paper, Scissors (Lizard, Spock will come later).

2) Encourage sleep. We find that after they have eaten lunch they are much more likely to take a nap. We have stories on CD which are also conducive of a little snooze so use them where possible. Those moments of peace whilst we are travelling are treasured as they make the journey feel much quicker. As a child I was great at sleeping in the car and have kept this skill into adulthood - not great when driving of course nor when the driver expects you to entertain them.

3) Pack snacks. I learnt the hard way that anything that melts is bad and the same is true of things that can be spread all over the back of the car. Raisins might sound like a good idea but they get everywhere! I have to confess that I do limit liquids as the constant 'I want a wee wee' is also a nightmare especially when you know that you have passed the last service centre for 20 miles, the only place to stop is a lay-by and youngest will not go in a bush. Favoured snacks at the moment include mini cheddars/crackers (although there is a crumb issue), larger dried fruit varieties and

4) Plan to stop. A lot depends on how far we are travelling but I get restless after a little while in the car and the kids are no different. For any journey over 2 hours we plan to stop and get out of the car. it is great if we can stop somewhere there is the possibility to have a run around but that is not always the case so we improvise,

5) Be prepared for arrival - whether at your destination or back at home. We go camping a lot and always have an idea of how we are going to manage the first hour as we have to entertain 2 children who have cabin fever from being stuck in the car but we also have the tent to pitch and sort ready for habitation. We are helped when someone is on hand to do the entertaining bit but otherwise the toy bucket has to be easily accessible. If raining then a car dive for puddlesuits and Wellington boots has to be completed as the priority.

Not that long ago I had to use the train to London and I have to compliment the Dad sat with her toddler behind me - she giggled pretty much the whole was there (just less than hour) so whatever he had done to keep her happy and entertained must have worked and she was a pleasure to listen to. Maybe I should have asked his secret before I left the train.

I have survivied . . . .

We have returned from our holidays in one piece: tired but having enjoyed the majority of the experience.

I have to confess that the resort that we booked was awful, it is not a place I would recommend for families travelling with younger children (I can share the review I left on trip advisor if anyone is interested) but travelling with the children was an experience that I will not look to repeat until they are older. I accepted that it would be hard as the flights were not the kindest times and we were lucky that one both flights they both slept for the majority of the time and they also slept on the coach transfer between airport and resort. But the bits where they were awake they were over giddy, they hated the necessary waiting in all the booking in and security checks and nothing we brought to entertain them was sufficient, The travel home was even worse as oldest had broken his trunki meaning that he could no longer sit on it and ride about (a source of much fun on the way out).

Over the first week we learnt the hard way that the flexibility we have around meal times was not as great as we hoped. By week 2 we were feeding the children in the hotel room before we went out for evening and then giving them the choice to eat or not when we ate. Sometimes the did and sometimes they didn't but it did save a lot of stress. We also realised that all the changes were very unsettling regardless of the fun. During the fun bits everything was great but during the bits between - the showering after swimming and getting ready for the evening, the waiting for food in restaurants and the walking between things. These bits were hard work, much harder than at home. The whinging and whining got on everyone's nerves towards the end as did their inability to stop and listen to reason for even a moment before launching into a full scale paddy.

What we did find was that the children enjoyed the experiences of a new language, the were amazing at trying new foods and fascinated by the differences they could see around them in the homes, the roads and even people driving on the wrong side of the car! The did struggle with the heat at points, especially when we asked them to walk anywhere (more because they wanted to be in the pool than anything else) but the swimming was a huge highlight. I think we swam on all but 2 days of our holiday either in the pool at the resort or in the sea. Both children have gained so much confidence in the water and even youngest decided she no longer needed her noodle because she can swim without it. She did really well, I was really proud of her and I am hoping that once we get back into our weekly swimming habit she will grow further in confidence. They even had my going down the big slide, a most undignified experience but I enjoyed every second.

We did spend 2 days on boat trips that allowed us to swim in the sea (from the boat) and both children were exceptionally adventurous especially oldest jumping from the back of the boat from a height that would have concerned me! the looked for fish using snorkel masks and oldest climbed on the rocks in the cove to see what else he could find.

Next task is to prepare for the return to school as a Y1 and the start of school in reception.

We're all going on our summer holidays,

We're all going on our summer holidays,

no more worries for a week or 2.

fun and laughter on our summer holidays

where all our dreams come true.

Hopefully.

We are so close to our holiday that the cases are out and there are things in them. Not so near as printing boarding passes but slowly getting there. I am realty excited and we were doing really well until last night when smallest decided that she is now afraid of the dark. Bummer.

It came to that time - that time where I said pyjamas. The fuss started. From refusal to change, go to the toilet, brush her teeth and have a wash. I managed the bribe my way through these with stories - audio and read by me. Once all that was completed and it was time for kisses and cuddles before sleep she went bonkers. Crying, screaming, chasing us when we tried to leave the room, begging to sleep with us, for the lights to be on, for us to move her bed - she tried everything. We tried to, gently, return her to bed each time but after 40 minutes of disturbing youngest I placed her back in bed and sat on her bedroom floor with my back to her. She calmed down. Until I tried to move when her eyes popped open and the crying started again. Eventually she calmed enough to allow me to sit just outside her door with the door open. After a little while of this I tried to pull her door to. Big mistake and we started again. After nearly 2 hours she did go to sleep.

But only for a little while. Around 11pm she climbed into bed with us. We returned her a few times, took her to the toilet. we even tried to get her to settle with us but nothing worked. The next screaming fit was for a drink - water found she wanted juice. She settled for about 5 minutes and then had a paddy because we had removed the half full glass from her room. It felt like hours later she went back to sleep. It might only have been 30 minutes.

I am not sure how I am going to manage bed time tonight - I can not feel anything but absolute dread in case last night is repeated. I can plan the same calm down activities we always do before bed, stories, kisses and cuddles and the usual routine. I then have options. I can leave her door open. I tend to pull it to because she sings and keeps oldest awake. I could put a night light on in her bed room. I really don't want to get her into the habit that she needs someone in the room before she can sleep but letting her get distressed is not the answer either. My other option is to leave the curtains open a little bit more and hoping that the morning sunlight will not wake her too early.

I am hoping that this is just a phase and that she will grow out of it.

Rules of Survival - Supermarket Sweep

1) Do it on your own!

Seriously, whatever you need to do whether it be going after they are in bed, getting a babysitter or leaving them with your other half in the car (with the windows open, obviously) do it!

2) If you can't do it on your own consider whether they fit in the trolley! Having both running around whilst I am trying to gather enough sustenance for the next meal is much harder than having one sat in the trolley where it can't run off and where the trolley can be parked so nothing can be reached. Once the critical age is reached and they can not longer be squeezed into the trolley extra arms are needed to push the

3) Have a list - have a list for everyone including yourself. Limit your list to the essentials. it is not the time for browsing.

4) At the check out your attention is always elsewhere - packing the shopping, paying for shopping and being pleasant to the check out operator. I have yet to come up with a solution here except when there is an extra person - that means 1 for the shopping and the other for the kids.

5) Once you get home find something that will entertain the kids whilst you put the essentials away. By essentials I mean those items that have to go in the fridge or freezer, everything else can stay in the bags on the kitchen side until later.

I mean it - do it on your own! I had chance a few days ago and it was almost heavenly.

A good night's sleep . . . . .

This weekend was our most recent expedition. We were hopeful. Our 'new' tent over the winter had been returned and refunded and a replacement sought out. The weather report was pretty rubbish but we thought that, after all our experiences, we might have cracked it, A stress free weekend beckoned.

I was, as usual, wrong. Again.

The tent was fab, very easy to put up, good quality and masses of space. I was happy, even in the rain. (Luckily it stopped for an hour whilst we got the tent up and everything situated). As time was getting on and the weather was terrible we bundled the kids into their sleeping stuff and, with a pile of books, settled them in - they were happy because they had stayed up late (only an hour so a nice compromise) but the light was starting to go and with promises that straight to sleep would equal later to bed the next night. Success! 40 minutes later and they were asleep and they stayed that way until just before 7am. I was happy.

Night 2 was when it all went a bit wrong. We let them stay up. Youngest declared just before 10pm that she wanted to go to bed. I complied and got her settled quickly, with minimal fuss and lots of praise. She had, with very few moments been really good all day and, from the colour that her pink jogging bottoms were, she must have had fun. I have never been that filthy and not enjoyed the processed. It might have taken her 30 seconds before she was fast asleep. Might of.

Oldest didn't declare but 15 minutes later his Dad did it for him and brought him to bed. Cue lots of messing about - looking for things, straightening blankets, trying to wake youngest, I think he tried it all. Some time later he fell asleep.

We had hoped the late night might equal a bit of a lie in.

We were wrong and this is where the nightmare started. 5.30am was the time. Oldest decided it was light, it was time to get up and he wasn't being reasoned with. We tried giving him books and asking him to look quietly when asking him to lie down and cuddle his toys didn't work. We tried to bribe him with trips to the park if he would stop whining and shouting. We threatened that he would not be allowed to go places especially if he woke youngest (who, thankfully slept until about 8am) and finally we gave him an ultimatum. Stop trying to wake everyone up and look at books quietly in bed or we were going home. Straight after breakfast.

Nothing worked.

5 minutes later I got, dressed and started packing up. His screaming reached fever pitch. We worked through it. Breakfast was quick and without fuss and he was sat in the car with toy and book whilst we finishing packing the tent away and loaded the car - in the pouring rain. We were less than 15 minutes into our journey before both smalls were sleeping and we enjoyed the peace and quiet. On arriving home we put the TV on and let them relax in front of it but oldest continued to whinge and whine and be generally tired and grumpy with the world.

I think the most frustrating thing was his inability to listen and reason.

He was in bed for 6pm. When I left for work at 7am he was still asleep. Hopefully he woke up in a better mood.

Rules of Survival - Eating Out

I have decided to do a short series entitled Rules of Survival - my top 5 tips for stress free events with small people based on my own experiences.

 

Rules of Survival - Eating Out

1) Choose a child friendly venue.

One with a child friendly menu, food that your child will eat!

There is no point taking your curry hating small person to an Indian restaurant, Or your 'allergic to cheese' monkey for pizza.

You might miss the days when you visited that lovely little bistro with the fancy food but save it for when you have a babysitter!

2) Time your visit

I know that lots of children will eat whenever they want but some children, like mine, have very set meal times and eating outside these (early or late) will cause catastrophic meltdown. Also factor in how long it takes you to order and have food delivered to your table. We made this classic mistake when we entered a well known family family restaurant at lunch time. 40 minutes later when food arrived at our table the kids were past eating it and thus the whole experience included wasted food, unhappy kids and stressed out parents.

I know that some fast food places are not the nicest of places to eat (nor the healthiest) but they can be quick and sometimes speed is of the essence.

3) Food Ordering

We always try to give a choice but we always limit the options to those we know that the children will eat. Yes, there is a a discussion about them trying new things but is a restaurant the place to dump a whole new meal in front of them? Just in case they don't like it. I always let them try what I ham having but their meals are always primarily foods that they like and will enjoy,

I really hate seeing wasted food.

On the other side of that coin if your small person is not eating something that they like ask why and taste their food! Smallest once refused to eat pasta, something she usually eats happily. I worked through everything that could be wrong and, as a last resort, tried it - awful! So bad, in fact, that I sent it back and demanded my money back whilst she ate mine.

4) Entertainment

A bored child is never a funny thing when they are chained to their seat.

Like the best Boy Scout - be prepared. I always take a bag with pencils and paper or colouring books. I have a couple of child friend apps on my mobile phone and tablet which I try to have with me.

Never, ever reply on the child friendly 'we provide a colouring pack' restaurant to actually do so. Too many times they have run out!

I try to avoid I spy - experience says that it can irritate other diners especially if they become the subject of the game. I also try to avoid anything with wheels as they tend to end up either on the floor or being used to scatter everything else on the table onto the floor.

5) Leave when you are done!

You might want to sit and chat, let your dinner go down and enjoy finishing your drinks. Your kids have had enough and want to go and do something else! The only exception to this is those places where a soft play centre is attached and whilst you can allow them to run riot for a bit (praying that projectile vomiting is not going to be result) you do have to supervise them and you may have to enter the abyss.

My experiences include having to close the ball pool down whilst I search for oldest's hearing aid which any child had pulled out of his ear and thrown. Without going into the detail of what I may or may not have come into contact in their I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it was one of the most disgusting moments of my existence.

 

No wiser, just older.

Another year older but no wiser this year. Only older.

We had a lovely weekend, the kids had gone to a lot of effort to make me lovely cards and we decided to take advantage of a local farm's open day to have a day out. For the most part it was lovely. The sun was shining but the wind kept it cool (a little too cool at points), we went for a tractor ride, we went potato picking, we watched the sheep shearing (and dancing) show, fed the lambs and generally look at everything there was to look and played with everything there was to play with.

We did, however, have a problem and it is a recurring one. The children don't walk. They run. We get out of the car and set off running. It doesn't seem to matter where you are or what you are there for they refuse to walk anywhere near us and just run. If I am honest it scares me. I can't keep pace with the both - they move at very different speeds. I have lost count of the number of times I have yelled for one of them to stop because they have run so far whilst I am persuading the other to try and catch up. It terrifies me that they would run into the road and an oncoming car, that they might run off and get lost or that, very unlikely I know, but someone might get hold of them.  

I have tried to talk to them both about being sensible. About walking. About staying safe.  So far it hasn't worked and it is not just me that sees this behaviour - they are like this for their dad, both Grandmas and their Aunt. I think this has come to the front of our mind as I look forward to our holiday this summer - 2 weeks in Turkey. I can't wait as we need the break. But it does make me worry about losing them in a foreign country. Horror stories like Ben Needham and Madelaine McCann haunt me. I know they are rare occurrences but I want my children to be safe and so I do worry.

How do I teach them?

We have reins that clip to their backpacks - supposedly for younger children but we may have to go back to using them.
Holding hands is not always the answer - they let go, especially when they are cross or having a paddy.
I am fast running out of ideas. But I have to keep trying.

In other news I have done something very grown up - applied to be a governor at the children's school. It feels like the most grown up thing that I have ever done.

Growth

This last weeks we have looked at both smalls and realised, they are not that small any more. They have grown. Massively.

It is actually scary by how much -

In clothes:
Oldest - was in age 3-4 now wearing age 6-7 (and a 7-8 T-shirt is not ridiculous).
Youngest - was in age 18-24 months is now 4-5 comfortably.

They are both out of their stage 1-2-3 car seats (complete with 5 point harness). Oldest is on his boaster cushion and youngest has a high backed boaster cushion. Neither need a boaster seat to sit to the table for meals and they are remarkable self sufficient from getting dressed and undressed, going to the toilet and brushing their teeth. Tights remain a problem for youngest but as I still struggle I will not hold it against her.

The little things have struck me for example they can both get into the bath without assistance. I can't quite believe that over 2 years has past since we met them and brought them home. Time really does fly when you are not looking and it seems like I have blinked and missed something, I am just not sure what. Crazy as it sounds we are onto round 3 for annual events - birthdays, etc and Christmas will be third time occasion when we get to it. This will be our third summer of camping fun as after that youngest will start in reception - her place was confirmed a few weeks ago.

Should I, Shouldn't I?

This weekend I had a moment of should I, shouldn't I.

I stood in the queue to pay in a large department store in an unfamiliar city and, as I revelled in the fact that I had found what I had been looking for all day, I heard an angry voice. A little person, angry at his mummy. Really angry at his mummy. He was shouting, refusing to do anything and everything, calling her names, waving his hands about, trying to hit her and generally being really unpleasant. He even called her a 'poo poo head'. I have no idea why.

What I didn't hear was his mummy. She never raised her voice, never shouted at him and seemed, to the outside world, to be the epitome of calmness. I can only imagine how she was feeling based on how I feel when one of my children does this to me. My experience tells me that I am unconcerned if people stare but that it does make me uncomfortable. I have shouted at my kids when in public places and been embarrassed about it. I have also frog marched them out of shops when their behaviour pushed me over the limit of my tolerance.

I wanted to say something to her. I wanted to commend her for her calmness, for her ability to remain in control. I wanted to tell her that she was amazing, that there is no way I could remain as calm as her. I wanted to tell her that she was behaving in a way I aspire to.

I decided not to. I didn't want to embarrass her any more than she was already embarrassed and I didn't want to offend her.

I have no idea how I would feel if a stranger approached me like this. I had a good idea how I would feel about a stranger approaching me and being critical but someone being positive is very different. My initial thought was that a positive comment would be appreciated but it would have to be delivered in a way that implied no sarcasm or other negative. My other thought was that a comment meant that she had been seen. Noticed. More importantly so had her child's tantrum. I much prefer it when people pretend that my children and their tantrums are ignored. It speeds them to a faster conclusion. Her child might have been exactly the same. I also have no idea what history was behind that tantrum.

I walked away.

To that Mummy I would say, after the event and with all sincerity, well done. There is no way that I could have handled the situation that well.

Late Nights

When the children first came home we were really strict with their routine for lots of different reasons and it worked for us. Now, 2 and a half years later we are starting to be a lot more secure about making changes to routine and this weekend was a major step forward for us. We headed for the field to make camp on Saturday - after the obligatory row over the new tent and its first erection we got settled in. The weather was terrible and, even with puddlesuits and Wellington boots, we wanted to avoid being outdoors as much as possible so we decided to visit the local pub. The kids were amazing, The sat quietly with their drinks, played on their tablets and did some colouring and drawing. I was so proud.

We left once they declared a requirement for food and headed back to my parent's caravan for dinner but once this was done we decided to go back to the pub. It was much warmer, dryer and full of friends. We were prepared in the same way and once again the children were amazing. They have understood and appreciated that pubs and restaurants are not the places for running about or screaming and shouting. It means we can take them to these types of places more often. As we were away for 2 nights we had decided that night 2 would be the late one, mainly so we could change our minds if night 1 didn't go too well. An hour past bed time and we headed back to the tent and made ready. Both children climbed into bed without a fuss, we tucked them in and made sure that they would be warm (if they stayed put) and retired to a safe distance (although still within ear shot). The messing about commenced. After 10 minutes and both getting up for the toilet (regardless of the fact that they had just been) and all was quiet.

The morning held its own challenge. Youngest was the superstar - one plaintive cry of 'is it time to get up' around 6am and after the answer was negative she went back to sleep until 7.30am. Brilliant,

Oldest was not such a star. The shouting started at 5.30am and continued until 7.30 when he was finally allowed to get up. He was told afternoon nap or no staying up late.

The day was a good one on most fronts - meals, snacks, drinks, a walk round the village fayre to make friends out of wooden spoons, watch a puppet show, have a go on the climbing wall and the tombola and, in a brief moment of pure calm, there was an afternoon nap. The rain stopped so all of this which made it so much easier. But we didn't have to worry about the time - meals were prepared and presented when requested and not at the set time which meant we had a lot more flexibility. Dinner was the same and it was much later than we realised before the children declared that they were hungry. Still, it was eaten with minimal fuss.

As all had been completed, as promised, this was the late night. They were allowed to sit up, wrapped in blankets for warmth once it was too dark to be running about and when bed time was declared we only had a minimum of complaint to manage. Plus both were asleep within 5 minutes of being tucked up in bed so that was an added bonus.

Morning was another moment for youngest to shine - a lie in until 9am! I was amazed. Oldest did better than previously and managed until 7.30. But both slept on the drive home so all was well and I am looking forward to out next camping excursion.

Changing routine used to terrify me. I would have all sorts of plans and scenarios and work arounds ready but, it turns out, the children have surpassed my expectations. All it took was time and tiny little fairy steps.

How to deal with an angry Mummy.

I thought I had experienced being angry with the children. I was wrong

A little while ago I went into oldest's bedroom and saw, jammed down the side of his bed, the shredded remains of a child hood book. My book. A book that I have has for over 20 years. It was destroyed. I was livid. So angry that I stood in front of him and sobbed with rage. It turns out that, because he went to bed and had story time when he wanted to watch some cartoons he was angry with me and my book was the object of his anger. I have no idea why he chose my book. I would rather have dealt with a temper tantrum.

It is not the first time that the object of his temper has been books, the central page of his school reading book when he didn't want to read it, the spine of his favourite dinosaur fact book when he was asked to calm down quietly with a book and other, less memorable occasions when it was just the odd page being torn. I can't imagine my world without books, I have many and have always enjoyed reading. I don't have many of the books of my childhood left but I did save the few that were precious to me - the ones that I have the fondest memories of, the ones I wanted to share with my children so we could build more memories with them. I have taken these books away - completely out of sight and reach. I have also taken all his nice books away (books that I was be upset if he damaged) leaving him with a small pile of old, already tatty books, most of which he has no attachment to and many which are aimed at children younger than he is,

My book is not repairable and it is irreplaceable. My son is also irreplaceable. Our relationship needs some repair work. I have already started but, for the time being I don't trust him and he will have to earn my trust again. Regardless of how much I love him.

Risk Managment

Since our last contact with the children's sibling we have been waiting for information from social services.

To cut a long story short, the sibling has been in direct contact with their birth mum. Something we were not aware of. We should have been aware so we could have made the right choices about the location and format that our contact arrangement took. It turns out that she has made an application to court for him to be returned to her care as social services can not locate an adoptive placement for him. I didn't understand or appreciate that children with a plan for adoption have direct contact with birth family stopped in a appropriate manner but a child in long term foster care does include a plan for direct family contact. The change in status of the sibling has meant that this contact (which had been stopped) was re-started and then increased as part of the court proceedings as they require a full report of

Anyway we took the children to a soft play centre that we use regularly. It is the one nearest to home. They are invited to parties that their friends have there. We allowed the children to play together, under supervision but out of hearing range, We don't know what they talked about, if anything,

Had we have know we would have gone somewhere further from home, more neutral and the children would not have been allowed out of ear shot.

The risk we have to manage when direct contact is taking place is whether our children could share information that could locate us which their sibling passes onwards to their birth mum without realising the consequences. He is not old enough to understand the consequences. Our oldest is, rightly, very proud of the fact that he knows his full name, address and what school he goes to. All information which is denied to his birth family.

I know that we are probably worrying about nothing, We have almost definitely over reacting but I have made an issue of this with social services on the grounds that we are entitled to have the information that allows us to make the best choices for our children - for their safety, for the sanctity of our home and their school environment and the emotional well being of our family.

Child-Friendly Theatre

We have always enjoyed the theatre and the cinema and, now that the children are a little older and have a better attention span we have branched into some performances as special treats.

The first was the pantomime at Christmas, the second was the Tiger Who Came to Tea. They loved them both to the point that youngest cried at the end as she didn't want it to be over.
Last weekend we had another outing - this time to see Jurassic Adventures. I was not as impressed, The kids still loved it - they were mesmerised from start to finish but, as an adult watching it the costumes were tatty (especially the dinosaur suits), it was far too long, the acting was far too over the top and the story wasn't really designed for ages 3 plus as it has been advertised for.

Oldest has already enjoyed a trip to the cinema so, this Easter I took them both - there was a child friendly showing of Shaun the Sheep local which seemed like the perfect opportunity. I was nervous that smallest will not sit still for it but if she did. We can now consider Sing-a-Long Frozen in a couple of months.
We don't have anything else booked but I would love to take them to Disney on Ice so we are waiting for tickets for the next tour to come out and whilst we were leaving the theatre I picked up a leaflet for 'Aliens love Underpants' which I am considering. I need to look around at other places to see what else is on offer. I know that the Christmas pantomime will be available at the end of the summer so I will be booking that for Christmas.

As long as there are experiences that they enjoy I fully intend to continue taking them

Lessons

This week I have reached the end of my patience when it comes to meal times. Often the children will push away food and declare that they 'don't want that'. I will never force a child that isn't hungry to eat, force a child to eat something that they did not like nor would I ever deny a hungry child something but I will not tolerate unnecessary waste. Yesterday was such a meal. Fishcakes (that they had eaten many times before) and vegetables were presented, both children pushed them away and asked for something different. They were given a choice. Eat the meal before them or leave the table and have it for the next meal. There was no shouting, no getting cross and no tears. Both children were aware of the consequences of their choice.

Both chose to leave the table.

This morning, for breakfast, I retrieved the fishcakes from the fridge and reheated. Both were presented with the meal they refused. Both were hungry. Both asked for something different - proper breakfast food was one request. I explained that I was not wasting food when so many in this world live without was not acceptable. Both children understood that they would have their normal meals at school but I would continue to present this meal until it was eaten although next time it would be cold. They ate their breakfast whilst it was still warm.

They went to school having eaten and had a drink. They went to school without being shouted at or told off and I remained calm throughout.

Hopefully this was a lesson learnt. 

Celebrate with hiccups.

On Sunday I was able to spend a moment during the chaos of a birthday party to reflect in what a difference 2 years makes.

The answer is massive. Another mum and I compared our daughters to the children that they were 2 years ago and aside from the fact that physically both children are bigger the changes meant that they were barely recognisable from their former selves. It was the increases in confidence that really wowed us. Both had transformed from very quiet, shy and withdrawn children in to loud and confident girls who were into everything. Present opening was another comparison for me - 2 years ago when she had her first birthday with us (she turned 2 years old) we had to encourage her to open her presents and this year she was straight in there. 2 years ago smiles were not common, this year she never stopped smiling.

I have to say that the celebration was not without its hiccups. Mainly that the bouncy castle did not appear and we had a make scramble to replace it. Luckily a local firm came to our rescue (happy to recommend to anyone if a bouncy castle is needed) who saved the day and saved many tears. I am glad that had prepared a number of games including 2 rounds of pass the parcel and a game of musical bumps with a further 2 prizes on stand-by. We needed them whilst the bouncy castle took shape.

What I did realise is that I am getting better at these things - there was enough food but less waste than the last time I organised a child's birthday party. What does frustrate me is that number of parents that do not respond to invitations - we sent 12 to children that she goes to preschool with - with 1 declining we had 4 attend. 7 with no response. Luckily the additional of family and friends meant that there were plenty of people there to celebrate and she never mentioned that she was missing anyone important.

I do also want to take a moment to thank some of the people that help to make life a lot easier. My parents, My sister. Good friends. All are worth their weight in gold. From the little things like helping to set up and tidy away the birthday party to the lovely gifts to baby-sitting to being on the end of the phone when I need someone to talk to. I am extremely lucky and I must not forget it..

Sibling relationships

We have had a rough couple of weeks. Luckily they seem to be over and we have settled back into what is something resembling normality.

It all started towards the end of the half term break and no matter how hard I try i can not find the trigger but oldest became really unsettled for a while and it continued when he returned to school and, sadly, I ended up dealing with instances of spitting and punching at school. Both of which are out of character and so really frustrating. Luckily he is a lot more settled now he has been back in school another week and we have talked to him about his behaviour, as has school and we keep telling him that it is ok to be angry but he needs to find a better outlet - we are suggesting talking about it and asking for a cuddle so he can calm down and feel safe at the same time.

In the midst of this we have not helped ourselves as we had organised a contact session for his older sibling. It has been a year since they have seen each other and, whilst we were watchful, we were confident that it could be a positive experience. During the actual session the relationship between the children was a positive one. They played nicely, interacted well and all was good. There is still no relationship between youngest and her sibling and neither child seems to be interested in forging one which is hard to watch.

What we did learn from the foster carer did disturb us. Their sibling is back in regular contact with their birth mum. We had asked to be notified in the unlikely event that this happened as we would not have allowed the children to play out of ear shot especially as he had seen  her within 2 weeks of seeing us. We had no idea. I know that children talk but I wanted to be able to monitor if anything was said that might cause confusion or distress. We have also learned that birth mum is fighting to regain custody of their sibling and we have no idea what the impact of that might be - selfishly, on our children and their ability to have direct contact their older sibling.  

Luckily with everything else settling down and 6 months before the next session we don't have to make an decisions straight away but we need to take on board the advice of the
those around us.

All that being said we do have problems managed how jealous the children get of each other. I remember not being the kindest to my sister when I was a child but on occasion they can be really mean and it is not easy to know how to manage it except to make sure we give attention in equal measures.

In other news we have also, finally, applied for passports for the children and are planning a holiday to somewhere very sunny via an airplane for this year! I can't wait. 

A New Year's Revolution

or resolution. Or whatever you want to call it.

This is a bit late but I forgot to publish it.

I tend not to make them but this year I want to make 1. Just 1.

1) Loose weight.

I finally found a diet that works for me. I managed for a few weeks before the festive period made it really hard work and I have decided that I am going back on in the new year and I am going to do it properly with weigh ins weekly and no cheating. I want to have lost a significant amount of weight for my birthday. I want to look better, feel better and be generally fitter and healthier for the sake of my children.

I have done my third weigh in today. Since my restart I have lost 17lb. I am over the moon that all the effort has started to show some results. It is motivating me to carry on to loose the next lb, the next 2lb and the next 17lb.

How to help an angry child?

At the moment I don't have the answer and it is not due to the lack of asking the question. I have asked our social worker, I have asked the school and I have sought advise from family and friends but still the answer to the question is beyond my reach. How do I help my angry little boy? I am pretty certain that his anger is rooted in a couple of things - his insecurities about having to move on and jealousy of his sister being the 2 most easily coming to mind.

The first is a case of time and constant reassurance. I tell both children every night at bed time that I love them, that I will always love them and that I will see them tomorrow. I tell them when I leave them at school that I love them, that I will always love them and that I will see them when I get home. I have asked him if he is scared that he will go somewhere else, he says not. I asked him if he was happy living with us, he says he is. I always assure him that he will always have a home with us. But he often turns on me, in anger, and tells me that 'when I am a grown up and I live in my own house . . . '

The second is much harder. I don't want to keep them apart all the time, they have this at school and pre school although in September they will be back to being in the same setting just different classes. To be honest they are as bad as each other but he gets a lot angrier. They squabble over toys, they both want what the other has and they are usually more interested in what the other has got/ is doing. I know that this can be seen as normal sibling behaviour but sometimes it feels like more. I also have to recognise that when he is angry she is more often than not his target. And he lashes out physically.

When we talked to school they were brilliant, they offered him assessments and additional support. I am hoping that it helps him. I am also hoping that they can offer us some advice to allow us to help and support him.

I think that there are 2 things that will help above everything else.
Time.
Us.
We are going nowhere and time goes past every minute of every day.

Hopefully it will help.

2 Years

2 Years.

It sounds like a long time. Really isn't.

2 Years ago we woke up with our children in our house for the first time. My overriding memory was how early it was! Oldest is a morning bird and he wanted to get up and play at about 5am, something we weren't all that prepared for. A lot has changed but his early morning waking and wanting to play has not. But it was 6.45am this morning so a little bit later. Youngest is still not a morning bird - she is much happier being left in bed to wake in her own time and really does not like being woken up by anyone or anything.

It feels strange to be celebrating 2 years, 4 years ago it felt like we would never have a family and 3 years ago it was a distant dream. I do wonder what it will feel like when we are celebrating 5 years, 10 years and beyond but I have that excitment to come.

I can't wait.