As part of the process we were asked to provide contact details for people who would be prepared to stand as references for us. When we first thought about this we went though people we knew well, people we considered to be good friends and those we were close to as well as those who know us well and we thought would offer a balanced view of us.
In the end we choose 8 people (we needed a minimum of 5 and a maximum of 10) and duly returned that set of forms. It was hard to narrow down to these 8 and even harder when we knew that only 2 could be family members. We expected that these people would be contacted once our preperation course was complete and our application well underway.
We were wrong.
It took our local authority less than 3 weeks to write to 4 of these 8 and I was absolutly amazed. All shared with us very quickly the news that these letters had been recieved and of the 4 I was grateful that 3 also sent us a copy of the reference that had been written and submitted. To say I was touched by the things that had been written was a massive understatment. All 3 letters moved me to tears and I was astounded that the people nearest to us thought so highly of us and of our dreams of becoming parents.
I think the lesson that I have learnt from this part of the appliaction process is that the way people view you can never be presumed or anticipated. It can never be underestimated either. I am grateful to all my family and friends from those who recorded kind words in these letters, to those who offered to be referees who we haven't been able to include, to those who are just there and supportive. I just hope that I am able to be as good a friend to them as they have been to me whether that be now or in the future.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
New Year Resolutions
I figure if I put my New Year resolutions here, having spent some time thinking about them, then I have a record of them plus people might have seen them so I have to stick to them so in the spirit of positive 2012 vibes:
1) Loose weight.
I say it every year but this year I want to loose enough weight (and inches) to get back into size 16 trousers. I am not going to weigh myself fanatically but I am going to watch what I eat, consider my calories and increase my exercise.
2) Enjoy spending more time with Andrew
I married him for a reason! He has a great sense of fun and me being a misery is not helping. I need to remember how to be spontaneous and how to enjoy things that aren't planned.
And finally,
3) Always look on the bright side
I am far too guilty of being the 'negative Norman' in the corner pointing out all the negatives in any situation. My plan is to change than round to seeing the positives, looking for the silver lining and enjoying the sunshine when it is there. I am going to be the first one to get up and dance, the one that people want to spend time with and the one who always has a smile.
1) Loose weight.
I say it every year but this year I want to loose enough weight (and inches) to get back into size 16 trousers. I am not going to weigh myself fanatically but I am going to watch what I eat, consider my calories and increase my exercise.
2) Enjoy spending more time with Andrew
I married him for a reason! He has a great sense of fun and me being a misery is not helping. I need to remember how to be spontaneous and how to enjoy things that aren't planned.
And finally,
3) Always look on the bright side
I am far too guilty of being the 'negative Norman' in the corner pointing out all the negatives in any situation. My plan is to change than round to seeing the positives, looking for the silver lining and enjoying the sunshine when it is there. I am going to be the first one to get up and dance, the one that people want to spend time with and the one who always has a smile.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thought of the day
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth"
from poem unknown
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth"
from poem unknown
A proper family Christmas
Why is is that Christmas only feels 'proper' when it is spent at the house of your childhood?
This year was the first in many that I was able to do that. it didn't matter that I haven't lived there in what feels like forever and it does not matter that I am no longer a child and that the living room was not covered in toys in various stages of being played with but it still felt like a proper real Christmas. It started in a relaxed way and we decided that we would wait for Dad to finish work before there were any presents which meant a calm morning with bacon sandwiches and preparing Christmas dinner. This year Dad chose beef rib for a change and as he was working my sister and I were in charge of the kitchen.
I also should mentioned that 6 weeks ago mum broker her foot so was just out of plaster meaning her role was direction rather than action packed.
Presents were around 1pm and I decided I was pretty blessed - my husband and I had set a Small budget and he gave me a lovely body warmer, a key ring, a new torch and a scarf (which is also a bear). My sister found me a Mickey Mouse lunch bx and my parents granted my wish for a Kindle! There were also some other lovely gifts including 2 really thoughtful secret Santa's and stocking fillers that I love.
I did have one small loss of control - at the 6th mention of my cousin, her daughter and her unborn son I decided it was time to mention that I had didn't want to hear people slagging her off as it was just like being slapped in the face as she didn't struggle to get pregnant and how silly she was to get pregnant with no job, no money etc etc. A few tears and I pulled myself back together.
After that, dinner time:
Selection of pate with toast
Beef rib with roasted potatoes, parsnips, carrots and red onion, Yorkshire puddings and sprouts cooked with bacon and chestnuts along with an onion and red wine gravy
Christmas pudding with custard (mum's contribution as I can't make custard) or yule log.
I reckon we out did ourselves and can't imagine many ate better.
We did eat later than normal which left us an evening in front of the various Christmas specials on TV before crashing at no later than 9.30!
Overall a good day but I was glad to come home to my cats.
Next stop - New Year!
This year was the first in many that I was able to do that. it didn't matter that I haven't lived there in what feels like forever and it does not matter that I am no longer a child and that the living room was not covered in toys in various stages of being played with but it still felt like a proper real Christmas. It started in a relaxed way and we decided that we would wait for Dad to finish work before there were any presents which meant a calm morning with bacon sandwiches and preparing Christmas dinner. This year Dad chose beef rib for a change and as he was working my sister and I were in charge of the kitchen.
I also should mentioned that 6 weeks ago mum broker her foot so was just out of plaster meaning her role was direction rather than action packed.
Presents were around 1pm and I decided I was pretty blessed - my husband and I had set a Small budget and he gave me a lovely body warmer, a key ring, a new torch and a scarf (which is also a bear). My sister found me a Mickey Mouse lunch bx and my parents granted my wish for a Kindle! There were also some other lovely gifts including 2 really thoughtful secret Santa's and stocking fillers that I love.
I did have one small loss of control - at the 6th mention of my cousin, her daughter and her unborn son I decided it was time to mention that I had didn't want to hear people slagging her off as it was just like being slapped in the face as she didn't struggle to get pregnant and how silly she was to get pregnant with no job, no money etc etc. A few tears and I pulled myself back together.
After that, dinner time:
Selection of pate with toast
Beef rib with roasted potatoes, parsnips, carrots and red onion, Yorkshire puddings and sprouts cooked with bacon and chestnuts along with an onion and red wine gravy
Christmas pudding with custard (mum's contribution as I can't make custard) or yule log.
I reckon we out did ourselves and can't imagine many ate better.
We did eat later than normal which left us an evening in front of the various Christmas specials on TV before crashing at no later than 9.30!
Overall a good day but I was glad to come home to my cats.
Next stop - New Year!
Friday, December 9, 2011
I won something!
It doesn't happen very often but, a few weeks ago, I got a phone to say that I have been lucky - I had won a Venture Photography Session voucher which meant we could have an hour in the studio having photos taken and then either a 7 x 5 framed print or £95 towards something bigger.
Last week we had our studio session booked and we were asked to take a few changes of clothes in bright colours as well as any items personal to us that could be used as part of the pictures. We dutifully did that and from the list of suggested items we were sent we chose a couple of soft toys that have significance to us. The studio originally wanted us to do this shoot in our re-enactment costumes but I declined that as all the pictures we seemed to have are in these - it often feels like we have no lives away from re-enactment but I can assure people that we really do! The next suggestion was that we bring our pets - 2 cats! I have to confess I was horrified at the thought of boxing them up and transporting them on a hour long round trip for some photos. My next thought was me wondering where, if we took them, they would disgrace themselves and leave me with a puddle or pile to clear up.
We eventually decided that we would aim for a fun, casual picture of us. Just us. Us as human beings, as a couple and as people who have remembered how to have fun. In that spirit we arrive, we met and had everything explained to us. We spent the next hour being photographed and switching clothes as well as having a real laugh.
Like I said we did take some props - some of Andrew numerous toys! A monkey, the first stuffed cat he bought for me and a jiggly thing that goes bonkers laughing and jiggling at loud noises. I swear the photographer thought we were crazy but it made everyone laugh.
The next step was to go back 2 weeks later and see the fruits of our labour in the form of a viewing session. We were pleasantly surprised as the viewing was a massive slide show of the imagines taken which had been 'worked on' and we could then mess about with the cropping depending on what products we might want. We decided to be honest with the gentleman who did the viewing - we were happy to settle on just the free one as to buy more would have been incredibly expensive and it is money we don't have as this wasn't something we had planned to do. He was really good about that and there was no 'hard sell' which was fantastic.
The print we went for, which comes in a plain black frame, is a black and white one of us looking at each other in front of a light box - Andrew wearing his England rugby shirt and me in my gorgeous new corset. We are smiling, we look happy and we look like we belong together. I can't wait to finally collect it and get it home and displayed.
Last week we had our studio session booked and we were asked to take a few changes of clothes in bright colours as well as any items personal to us that could be used as part of the pictures. We dutifully did that and from the list of suggested items we were sent we chose a couple of soft toys that have significance to us. The studio originally wanted us to do this shoot in our re-enactment costumes but I declined that as all the pictures we seemed to have are in these - it often feels like we have no lives away from re-enactment but I can assure people that we really do! The next suggestion was that we bring our pets - 2 cats! I have to confess I was horrified at the thought of boxing them up and transporting them on a hour long round trip for some photos. My next thought was me wondering where, if we took them, they would disgrace themselves and leave me with a puddle or pile to clear up.
We eventually decided that we would aim for a fun, casual picture of us. Just us. Us as human beings, as a couple and as people who have remembered how to have fun. In that spirit we arrive, we met and had everything explained to us. We spent the next hour being photographed and switching clothes as well as having a real laugh.
Like I said we did take some props - some of Andrew numerous toys! A monkey, the first stuffed cat he bought for me and a jiggly thing that goes bonkers laughing and jiggling at loud noises. I swear the photographer thought we were crazy but it made everyone laugh.
The next step was to go back 2 weeks later and see the fruits of our labour in the form of a viewing session. We were pleasantly surprised as the viewing was a massive slide show of the imagines taken which had been 'worked on' and we could then mess about with the cropping depending on what products we might want. We decided to be honest with the gentleman who did the viewing - we were happy to settle on just the free one as to buy more would have been incredibly expensive and it is money we don't have as this wasn't something we had planned to do. He was really good about that and there was no 'hard sell' which was fantastic.
The print we went for, which comes in a plain black frame, is a black and white one of us looking at each other in front of a light box - Andrew wearing his England rugby shirt and me in my gorgeous new corset. We are smiling, we look happy and we look like we belong together. I can't wait to finally collect it and get it home and displayed.
Early Christmas
This weekend was out 'early' Christmas - a date set for us to spend with Andrew's family to have dinner and exchange presents leaving us all free to visit other family on Christmas Day. If I am honest with myself I was really not looking forward to it. Our recent battles with inferilty seem have done this to me - usually I would be the first to be there, making a effort and enjoying spending time with family but since we have been forced to watch those around us have their families whilst we are still waiting is hard and never seems to get any easier. I was also not sure how I would feel about spending quality time with our 16 year old pregnant niece.
I guess I was lucky that my sister wanted to visit and my mother in law was hay for her to be included in the festivities so I had her there for my support. We spent the day shopping, talking and relaxing. It was nice to have a day with shopping bags although the crowds doing their Christmas shopping always stress me out a bit.
So, the plan the evening was arrive, dinner and then presents. Dinner was lovely, prawn cocktail, the traditional turkey with all the trimmings and then (my contribution) mars bar cheesecake or fruit salad for dessert. I always like to take some thing with me, going empty handed feels rude. Afterwards the tradition of handing the presents out commenced and I was really grateful that everyone had included Hayley with a few little tokens to recognise that she was sharing the day with us. My materialistic side wants to list the things I was gifted - all of which showed thought - a lovely pair of earnings, vouchers for my favorite clothes shop, vouchers for me to have my nails done, cookery books (brownies and chocolate) and a beautiful pen but my heart and soul will be forever grateful that there were no 'bad taste' gifts this year. Not once did I want to hide from the world and it was a joy to see our nephew playing with his toys and getting excited about the whole affair.
I also was pleased that being around my niece was not too stressful. Everyone seems to try and shield me from her but I have to get used to it. I am not angry with her, I think she has been very silly but I do wish her all the very best with her pregnancy, birth and I want her to be a wonderful mum but this doesn't take away the sadness and jealousy I feel when I look at her and wish it was me. My brain tells me that it will never be me and I have come to terms with that but I wish it would remind my heart that there is no point wishing for something that will never be.
I have started to follow a blog that a friend has started: http://clarice-swimouttomeetit.blogspot.com/2011/12/couple-of-days-ago-i-mentioned-that-my.html?spref=fb
and her challenge yesterday was to be kind to yourself and do one thing to make yourself smile. Today I plan to do just that. I plan to remind myself that I have battled things that no one should have to, that I have survived (with my marriage intact) where many have fallen and that I am still fighting for a better future.
I guess I was lucky that my sister wanted to visit and my mother in law was hay for her to be included in the festivities so I had her there for my support. We spent the day shopping, talking and relaxing. It was nice to have a day with shopping bags although the crowds doing their Christmas shopping always stress me out a bit.
So, the plan the evening was arrive, dinner and then presents. Dinner was lovely, prawn cocktail, the traditional turkey with all the trimmings and then (my contribution) mars bar cheesecake or fruit salad for dessert. I always like to take some thing with me, going empty handed feels rude. Afterwards the tradition of handing the presents out commenced and I was really grateful that everyone had included Hayley with a few little tokens to recognise that she was sharing the day with us. My materialistic side wants to list the things I was gifted - all of which showed thought - a lovely pair of earnings, vouchers for my favorite clothes shop, vouchers for me to have my nails done, cookery books (brownies and chocolate) and a beautiful pen but my heart and soul will be forever grateful that there were no 'bad taste' gifts this year. Not once did I want to hide from the world and it was a joy to see our nephew playing with his toys and getting excited about the whole affair.
I also was pleased that being around my niece was not too stressful. Everyone seems to try and shield me from her but I have to get used to it. I am not angry with her, I think she has been very silly but I do wish her all the very best with her pregnancy, birth and I want her to be a wonderful mum but this doesn't take away the sadness and jealousy I feel when I look at her and wish it was me. My brain tells me that it will never be me and I have come to terms with that but I wish it would remind my heart that there is no point wishing for something that will never be.
I have started to follow a blog that a friend has started: http://clarice-swimouttomeetit.blogspot.com/2011/12/couple-of-days-ago-i-mentioned-that-my.html?spref=fb
and her challenge yesterday was to be kind to yourself and do one thing to make yourself smile. Today I plan to do just that. I plan to remind myself that I have battled things that no one should have to, that I have survived (with my marriage intact) where many have fallen and that I am still fighting for a better future.
A different Christmas
This week I have been reflected on last Christmas and the differences between how I was feeling a year ago and today.
Last Christmas I was the epitome of miserable bah humbug-ness. I was not 3 months post miscarriage and the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate or be happy. I refused to decorate, gifts were minimal and all cards, wrapping and necessities were done with no joy and as quickly as I could have got away with. It just felt wrong to be happy when all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. I could barely stand to be around anyone and having to watch my nephews first Christmas and all the excitement that went with was soul destroying. We were also unlucky enough that one of the 'joke' gifts we received was children's book which floored me when I unwrapped it. At the time to prevent an emotion outpouring of my grief all I could do was shove it under the sofa where it stayed until seconds before we left and Andrew 'rescued' it.
This Christmas I promised myself it would be different. I don't want to dwell on the fact that we should be celebrating our first as a family, our baby should have been 6 months old, I want to be able to look forwards, to the future and the process we are starting in the new year that might hopefully mean that next Christmas will be different. As such the tree it up - Bruce the Spruce moved in last weekend and it comfortable in his corner after we rescued him from the reject section of the garden centre. I have written all my cards and posted them. I have also tried to put some thought and effort into gifts and spent time making boxes, wrapping and adding ribbon to them in the hope that all will be appreciated.
Does this mean I will not spare a thought to the baby that should have be with me this year, of course not. I will take a moment on Christmas Day to light a candle, have a tear and remember but it will not take over the day. I am lucky in that, due to work schedules, we are able to spend Christmas Eve evening and Christmas Day with my parents at the home I grew up in, something I have not done since 2003 and this means that I will be surrounded by the people I love the most, the people that care the most and the people that have offered me all the support I could have asked for.
Last Christmas I was the epitome of miserable bah humbug-ness. I was not 3 months post miscarriage and the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate or be happy. I refused to decorate, gifts were minimal and all cards, wrapping and necessities were done with no joy and as quickly as I could have got away with. It just felt wrong to be happy when all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. I could barely stand to be around anyone and having to watch my nephews first Christmas and all the excitement that went with was soul destroying. We were also unlucky enough that one of the 'joke' gifts we received was children's book which floored me when I unwrapped it. At the time to prevent an emotion outpouring of my grief all I could do was shove it under the sofa where it stayed until seconds before we left and Andrew 'rescued' it.
This Christmas I promised myself it would be different. I don't want to dwell on the fact that we should be celebrating our first as a family, our baby should have been 6 months old, I want to be able to look forwards, to the future and the process we are starting in the new year that might hopefully mean that next Christmas will be different. As such the tree it up - Bruce the Spruce moved in last weekend and it comfortable in his corner after we rescued him from the reject section of the garden centre. I have written all my cards and posted them. I have also tried to put some thought and effort into gifts and spent time making boxes, wrapping and adding ribbon to them in the hope that all will be appreciated.
Does this mean I will not spare a thought to the baby that should have be with me this year, of course not. I will take a moment on Christmas Day to light a candle, have a tear and remember but it will not take over the day. I am lucky in that, due to work schedules, we are able to spend Christmas Eve evening and Christmas Day with my parents at the home I grew up in, something I have not done since 2003 and this means that I will be surrounded by the people I love the most, the people that care the most and the people that have offered me all the support I could have asked for.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Lets Start Again
After the excitement of last week I have finally calmed down and really taken note of all the advice offered to me. It is moments like this where I am reminded of the people around me, both in the real world and online, who are incredibly supportive and knowledgeable.
Which leads to my knew plan. An increase in my calories allowance to 1500-1600 a day as the most common thing that is being said to me is that I am being too harsh on myself. Whilst I don't agree with the nurse that I can still loose weight with an intake of 2100 calories a day I am hoping that the extra with my new limit will be more realistic for me. I am also planning a change to my exercise habits - instead of 20 mins 5 times a week I am going to do a minimum of 30 mins but only 4 times a week. It might mean that some mornings I get up a little bit earlier to make the time for it but I am hoping it will be a little extra 'kick' for me.
I have also realised that, whilst the scales are not kind, my clothes are. My trousers are getting too big - my clothes are fitting better and, according to my friends, I am looking better which has be to be a good start. I have to confess that I have enjoyed my 'days off' but not as much as I expected. I was still watching what I was eating and how much of it, I was still making choices to try and not go too crazy. I do have to confess that although the take away and the alcohol was a lovely treat but those few Quality Street that I allowed myself to have were absolutely divine.
Which leads to my knew plan. An increase in my calories allowance to 1500-1600 a day as the most common thing that is being said to me is that I am being too harsh on myself. Whilst I don't agree with the nurse that I can still loose weight with an intake of 2100 calories a day I am hoping that the extra with my new limit will be more realistic for me. I am also planning a change to my exercise habits - instead of 20 mins 5 times a week I am going to do a minimum of 30 mins but only 4 times a week. It might mean that some mornings I get up a little bit earlier to make the time for it but I am hoping it will be a little extra 'kick' for me.
I have also realised that, whilst the scales are not kind, my clothes are. My trousers are getting too big - my clothes are fitting better and, according to my friends, I am looking better which has be to be a good start. I have to confess that I have enjoyed my 'days off' but not as much as I expected. I was still watching what I was eating and how much of it, I was still making choices to try and not go too crazy. I do have to confess that although the take away and the alcohol was a lovely treat but those few Quality Street that I allowed myself to have were absolutely divine.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
What am I doing wrong?
Last night was my weigh in at the doctors.
What a nightmare. When I went 6 weeks ago I was really disappointed that in my first 3 weeks I had managed to loss only 2lb but last night I was crushed to be told that in 6 weeks I had managed a loss of only 4lb. That is 6lb in 9 weeks and I am devastated with myself. All I can ask if how on earth, with all the effort I have put in, is that all I can manage.
I figured, calories counting to around 1200 - 1300 a day, weighing all my food portions plus more regular exercise (Monday to Friday I was doing 20 mins Zumba every morning plus walking and using my Wii fit at the weekend) as well as cutting down so a lot less alcohol, very few 'treats' and always trying to find a balance and still I feel like I have failed. My husband tried desperately to tell me that it was working because I can fit back into a size 18 trouser but that really doesn't matter when the medical will be looking at my BMI and 6lb doesn't even make a dent in it.
I have no motivation to carry on, it feels like I am punishing myself using food for absolutely nothing. I even asked the nurse for help - her answer was try slimming world! It has been a while since I have tried that hard to escape a medical appointment. A good cry later and the only answer I can come up with is to try something along the lines of Slim Fast or Lighter Life but the though doesn't appeal. These plans are expensive and high in lactose which doesn't sound pleasant for some one with a lactose intolerance but I can't help wondering if a few weeks of feeling not too good might be worth it if I can get a chunk of weight off me in time for the medical.
What a nightmare. When I went 6 weeks ago I was really disappointed that in my first 3 weeks I had managed to loss only 2lb but last night I was crushed to be told that in 6 weeks I had managed a loss of only 4lb. That is 6lb in 9 weeks and I am devastated with myself. All I can ask if how on earth, with all the effort I have put in, is that all I can manage.
I figured, calories counting to around 1200 - 1300 a day, weighing all my food portions plus more regular exercise (Monday to Friday I was doing 20 mins Zumba every morning plus walking and using my Wii fit at the weekend) as well as cutting down so a lot less alcohol, very few 'treats' and always trying to find a balance and still I feel like I have failed. My husband tried desperately to tell me that it was working because I can fit back into a size 18 trouser but that really doesn't matter when the medical will be looking at my BMI and 6lb doesn't even make a dent in it.
I have no motivation to carry on, it feels like I am punishing myself using food for absolutely nothing. I even asked the nurse for help - her answer was try slimming world! It has been a while since I have tried that hard to escape a medical appointment. A good cry later and the only answer I can come up with is to try something along the lines of Slim Fast or Lighter Life but the though doesn't appeal. These plans are expensive and high in lactose which doesn't sound pleasant for some one with a lactose intolerance but I can't help wondering if a few weeks of feeling not too good might be worth it if I can get a chunk of weight off me in time for the medical.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Adoption UK
My job this weekend was to sort my membership to this organisation and subscribe to their magazine. According to their website:
Adoption UK is a national charity run by and for adopters, providing self-help information, advice, support and training on all aspects of adoption and adoptive parenting.
We work with parents and practitioners to make adoptions succeed, promoting loving and supportive family relationships within adoptive families.
http://www.adoptionuk.co.uk/
This was recommended by the social worker we saw as well as other people we have met that have followed the adoption route and we have been very lucky that my mum offered to make this as post of our Christmas present. My hope is that I will be able to, with our membership, access their discussion boards and talk to people in the same situation as me, people who really understand and can offer guidance, advice and support. In time I hope that I will be able to return this as I proceed through the process and, hopefully, come out the other side.
Adoption UK is a national charity run by and for adopters, providing self-help information, advice, support and training on all aspects of adoption and adoptive parenting.
We work with parents and practitioners to make adoptions succeed, promoting loving and supportive family relationships within adoptive families.
http://www.adoptionuk.co.uk/
This was recommended by the social worker we saw as well as other people we have met that have followed the adoption route and we have been very lucky that my mum offered to make this as post of our Christmas present. My hope is that I will be able to, with our membership, access their discussion boards and talk to people in the same situation as me, people who really understand and can offer guidance, advice and support. In time I hope that I will be able to return this as I proceed through the process and, hopefully, come out the other side.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Another Step Forward
Friday 18 November was Andrew's birthday.
It was also a wonderful day as this was the day the letter which invited us to the 'Prepare to Adopt' Course was typed. We received on Wednesday and today, Friday, I have returned the completed forms by email and by post. It might seem like the smallest thing but I was so very excited and for people, including Andrew, who are concerned by the lack of time I have taken to fill in these forms it has been a copy and paste exercise from the information I put together for our initial assessment appointment. I remember both Andrew and the social worker being very surprised by the amount I had collated but I pleased that I did as it has made this bit of the process so much easier.
My problem now is that there is nothing more I can do except wait for the 9th January when we can get started and try and get Andrew to read some of the books and literature I have collection in the hope that it will help us along this exciting new road.
It was also a wonderful day as this was the day the letter which invited us to the 'Prepare to Adopt' Course was typed. We received on Wednesday and today, Friday, I have returned the completed forms by email and by post. It might seem like the smallest thing but I was so very excited and for people, including Andrew, who are concerned by the lack of time I have taken to fill in these forms it has been a copy and paste exercise from the information I put together for our initial assessment appointment. I remember both Andrew and the social worker being very surprised by the amount I had collated but I pleased that I did as it has made this bit of the process so much easier.
My problem now is that there is nothing more I can do except wait for the 9th January when we can get started and try and get Andrew to read some of the books and literature I have collection in the hope that it will help us along this exciting new road.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Infertilty Etiquette
This article was posted to a forum I use and thought it was a good insight for people who haven't had to deal with infertility. I know there are a lot of people who have had at least one of the situations apply, maybe if those people read this they might think twice before speaking, I know I certainly have been on the end of a number of these situations.
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someones life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someones life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again
Monday, November 21, 2011
Weight Loss Update
I have just spent a fabulous long weekend with my wonderful husband visiting Edinburgh as well as some friends who live there. We were able to see some amazing things, beautiful places and interesting exhibits but we were also free to eat as we pleased. My favourite meal was a special treat for Andrew's birthday - lunch at The Witchery in their Garden Room. The food was absolutely fantastic and better haggis with neeps and tatties will never be found elsewhere.
Moving back to today my diet had been going so very well with only a few minor blibs but I made the choice to allow myself some freedom with the intention of starting again this morning with a new week and with a renewed vigour looking forward to my next weigh in on the 30 November. What I did allow was a Wii weigh in (something I am not allowing myself to do very often) on Thursday before we left - 6lbs lost, making my total 10lbs. I was over the moon as it showed me that my efforts were making a difference.
My plan this week is to do 2 weeks on the cereal plan - so that is cereals for breakfast and lunch and then a proper dinner. I am not expecting this to be a hardship as I do really like cereals and I have some really nice 'good for me' cereals to choose from. Once these 2 weeks are finished I will go back to my cereals for breakfast and a healthy lunch followed by a healthy dinner.
The tool I have found invaluable is myfitnessplan.com which has allowed me to track what I eat and the exercise I do as well as to make choices about what I eat - it has given me the chance to see in direct comparison the things I like and how much I can realistically eat. My conclusion from this tool is that I was eating too much - my diet wasn't awful but there was just too much of it.
My other big change has to be increase the amount of exercise I do. I am into the habit of getting up 20 minutes earlier each morning and doing a Zumba routine which means the minimum weekly exercise is 1 hour and 40 minutes and then when I have chance I do what I can in the evenings. My respite is the weekend when I allow myself at least one full day off although I don't include of of my household chores like cleaning into this.
At the moment I am still feeling very positive I might not make 2 stone for Christmas but I will still have made a dam good start at it. I am starting to feel better and my clothes have already started to feel 'too big' plus I have not lost sight on my end goal . . .
Moving back to today my diet had been going so very well with only a few minor blibs but I made the choice to allow myself some freedom with the intention of starting again this morning with a new week and with a renewed vigour looking forward to my next weigh in on the 30 November. What I did allow was a Wii weigh in (something I am not allowing myself to do very often) on Thursday before we left - 6lbs lost, making my total 10lbs. I was over the moon as it showed me that my efforts were making a difference.
My plan this week is to do 2 weeks on the cereal plan - so that is cereals for breakfast and lunch and then a proper dinner. I am not expecting this to be a hardship as I do really like cereals and I have some really nice 'good for me' cereals to choose from. Once these 2 weeks are finished I will go back to my cereals for breakfast and a healthy lunch followed by a healthy dinner.
The tool I have found invaluable is myfitnessplan.com which has allowed me to track what I eat and the exercise I do as well as to make choices about what I eat - it has given me the chance to see in direct comparison the things I like and how much I can realistically eat. My conclusion from this tool is that I was eating too much - my diet wasn't awful but there was just too much of it.
My other big change has to be increase the amount of exercise I do. I am into the habit of getting up 20 minutes earlier each morning and doing a Zumba routine which means the minimum weekly exercise is 1 hour and 40 minutes and then when I have chance I do what I can in the evenings. My respite is the weekend when I allow myself at least one full day off although I don't include of of my household chores like cleaning into this.
At the moment I am still feeling very positive I might not make 2 stone for Christmas but I will still have made a dam good start at it. I am starting to feel better and my clothes have already started to feel 'too big' plus I have not lost sight on my end goal . . .
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Foetal Alcohol Syndrome
Foetal Alcohol Syndrome or FAS is something that the social worker advised me to spend some time researching and considering when she left us a reading list. Prior to this I had not come accross this or had any understanding. I would say that I am not a medical professional so this is my interpretation of the research I have done, I would always advocate seeking professional advice if necessary.
Anyway, as I understand it FAS is caused by the mother consuming alcohol during the early stages of pregnacy - early enough stages to cause distribution to the formation of facial features but this condition also has other psychological effects including:
behavioural problems
learning disabilities
Attention deficit disorders
And it seems to affect a large number of babies born - 1 in 1000 seems to be the most common figure quoted. What also really bothers me the more I read about this condition is the constant reminder that it is 100% avoidable - all it would have taken would have been better choices made by the mother during her pregnancy. But there are also a large number of children who don't have the full blown syndrome but do suffer from the after effects of alcohol during pregnancy with lesser, but till very serious, problems.
This paragraph, taken from http://www.fasaware.co.uk/ speaks volumes to me about the basics of this condition and how it can be overcome.
Children with FASD have permanent
There is a lot of material out there to be found, digested and understood before we can decide finally whether we could offer a loving, supportive and safe enviroment for a child with this condition of any degree but I would like to say that we could offer a wonderful life to any child that is deemed as suitable to be placed with us and if that includes a child with any level of FAS then so be it.
Anyway, as I understand it FAS is caused by the mother consuming alcohol during the early stages of pregnacy - early enough stages to cause distribution to the formation of facial features but this condition also has other psychological effects including:
behavioural problems
learning disabilities
Attention deficit disorders
And it seems to affect a large number of babies born - 1 in 1000 seems to be the most common figure quoted. What also really bothers me the more I read about this condition is the constant reminder that it is 100% avoidable - all it would have taken would have been better choices made by the mother during her pregnancy. But there are also a large number of children who don't have the full blown syndrome but do suffer from the after effects of alcohol during pregnancy with lesser, but till very serious, problems.
This paragraph, taken from http://www.fasaware.co.uk/ speaks volumes to me about the basics of this condition and how it can be overcome.
Children with FASD have permanent
brain damage, which can cause them to
have a hard time learning and remembering
new things, understanding that
actions have consequences, or making
the switch from one activity to another.
The key to helping your child overcome
these challenges is to reduce the likelihood
that they will occur by maintaining
a well-structured, consistent home
environment.There is a lot of material out there to be found, digested and understood before we can decide finally whether we could offer a loving, supportive and safe enviroment for a child with this condition of any degree but I would like to say that we could offer a wonderful life to any child that is deemed as suitable to be placed with us and if that includes a child with any level of FAS then so be it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
World Prematurity Day 17 November
I do follow a couple of blogs written by ladies I have met in an online forum. One of those ladies, Kylie, writes the following blog - Not Even a Bag of Sugar http://notevena.blogspot.com/ about the birth and growth of her son. She has made the request that fellow bloggers write a post to raise awareness of premature births as well to understand better the issues that being born early comes with. I realise that this is a day early but I am off for a relaxing weekend tomorrow and will be nowhere near a computer to post this.
If I am honest I am finding starting this very difficult. Premature birth, like so many other things which come with being pregnant and giving birth is not something I ever thought I would have to worry about after we accepted that we would never have a birth child of our own but this does not mean that any child that we are lucky enough to welcome into our lives through the adoption route may not be affected by long term issues surrounding being born early. As such this brings into to focus how I can't be short sighted in the things I might need to know as I have no idea what eventuality I will end up making a reality.
As I often find that reading blogs, forums and other information about being pregnant, having and caring for babies and young children painful reminders of what I can't have I have often avoided them but never so with Kylie's blog. I find it very easy to read and the empathy with which she writes is very touching and she reminds me to look on the brighter side of life, no matter what the circumstances. I also admire the way in which she campaigns for greater awareness of the issues surround premature birth and I do wish her all the best with her efforts.
So, with my knowledge base on this issue being very limited and our future being so uncertain I think I might need to add this to the ever growing list of things that I should research.
I would like to finish this post with a thought and prayer for all babies born early and their families with the hope that they have the very best of care and will lead happy and healthy lives.
If I am honest I am finding starting this very difficult. Premature birth, like so many other things which come with being pregnant and giving birth is not something I ever thought I would have to worry about after we accepted that we would never have a birth child of our own but this does not mean that any child that we are lucky enough to welcome into our lives through the adoption route may not be affected by long term issues surrounding being born early. As such this brings into to focus how I can't be short sighted in the things I might need to know as I have no idea what eventuality I will end up making a reality.
As I often find that reading blogs, forums and other information about being pregnant, having and caring for babies and young children painful reminders of what I can't have I have often avoided them but never so with Kylie's blog. I find it very easy to read and the empathy with which she writes is very touching and she reminds me to look on the brighter side of life, no matter what the circumstances. I also admire the way in which she campaigns for greater awareness of the issues surround premature birth and I do wish her all the best with her efforts.
So, with my knowledge base on this issue being very limited and our future being so uncertain I think I might need to add this to the ever growing list of things that I should research.
I would like to finish this post with a thought and prayer for all babies born early and their families with the hope that they have the very best of care and will lead happy and healthy lives.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Reflections
This morning I am in a reflective mood as I have just spent 48 hours travelling with 3 work colleagues, one is a grandfather, the other a new father and the third who seems to have no interest in children at the present. They spent a fair bit of time sharing stories and photographs and over all it made me feel very sad. It is wonderful that people find so much joy in the children in their lives but it doesn't take away the sadness that I feel because I don't have that.
I had also made the choice to take on of the books from the reading list social services provided for me as preparation for the preparation course - a book called 'Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the adopted child'. It was a difficult read, more of a text book which made it difficult going at times but it did leave me feeling very positive. I had accepted that an child we adopted might come with problems and issues that we will need to work through but reading this book showed me that these problems are experienced by all parents whether adoptive or birth and the difference is the triggers. There are still a few issues that are specifically attributed to adopted children but this book provided tools to manage these issues as well as thoughts and reasoning behind them. I would recommend anyone looking for reading material on adoption persevere with this book as it is worth it.
Today I also re-start on a reading buddy scheme that I participate in with a local school. I take an hour away from work, in my lunch break, to attend a local school and read with 3 children each for 20 minutes. This will be the third school year that I have participated and I am really looking forward to finding out which class I will be sent to - so far I have been with 4-5 year olds and 8-9 year olds. It does highlight for me, working with lots of children from the class, the difference from those who are read to and with at home and those that are not. It makes me sad that parents can't find the time or energy to spend that time with their children as it can make such a massive difference to the child's abilities.
I have to confess though, a business trip abroad lasting less than 48 hours is incredibly tiring and the one thing I am looking forward to more than anything else is going home and getting some sleep.
I had also made the choice to take on of the books from the reading list social services provided for me as preparation for the preparation course - a book called 'Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the adopted child'. It was a difficult read, more of a text book which made it difficult going at times but it did leave me feeling very positive. I had accepted that an child we adopted might come with problems and issues that we will need to work through but reading this book showed me that these problems are experienced by all parents whether adoptive or birth and the difference is the triggers. There are still a few issues that are specifically attributed to adopted children but this book provided tools to manage these issues as well as thoughts and reasoning behind them. I would recommend anyone looking for reading material on adoption persevere with this book as it is worth it.
Today I also re-start on a reading buddy scheme that I participate in with a local school. I take an hour away from work, in my lunch break, to attend a local school and read with 3 children each for 20 minutes. This will be the third school year that I have participated and I am really looking forward to finding out which class I will be sent to - so far I have been with 4-5 year olds and 8-9 year olds. It does highlight for me, working with lots of children from the class, the difference from those who are read to and with at home and those that are not. It makes me sad that parents can't find the time or energy to spend that time with their children as it can make such a massive difference to the child's abilities.
I have to confess though, a business trip abroad lasting less than 48 hours is incredibly tiring and the one thing I am looking forward to more than anything else is going home and getting some sleep.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Our Anniversary
I have many anniversaries in my life from birthdays to weddings, Christmas, Easter and most are happy occasions.
Today is a sad day. Today is the anniversary of confirmation that our baby was not to be. It is the day that, one year ago, I was told over the telephone by the hospital that my baby was not viable. It is the anniversary of the destruction of all my hopes and dreams. It is also the anniversary of the start of one of the darkest times of my life.
Last week was the national Wave of Light in remembrance of baby loss and on that evening I, like many hundreds of other, lit a candle and remembered. Today I will do the same thing. Today I will allow myself the tears of grief and I will also remember how happy I was to think that I could been a mum, that I could make my husband a dad and that we could have been good parents. Today I will reflect on the changes that this has brought - the acceptance that children will not be ours by birth but by adoption and that this does not mean we will be any less as parents. It just means that we might have a harder road to walk than most to get there.
As I look back at the days that followed that dreadful phone call I remember the family members and friends that were there for me and those who have remained there since. I mourn the loss of those that were, for whatever reason, not able to be there for us but have to conclude that I am blessed with the friends that I consider close.
Today is a sad day. Today is the anniversary of confirmation that our baby was not to be. It is the day that, one year ago, I was told over the telephone by the hospital that my baby was not viable. It is the anniversary of the destruction of all my hopes and dreams. It is also the anniversary of the start of one of the darkest times of my life.
Last week was the national Wave of Light in remembrance of baby loss and on that evening I, like many hundreds of other, lit a candle and remembered. Today I will do the same thing. Today I will allow myself the tears of grief and I will also remember how happy I was to think that I could been a mum, that I could make my husband a dad and that we could have been good parents. Today I will reflect on the changes that this has brought - the acceptance that children will not be ours by birth but by adoption and that this does not mean we will be any less as parents. It just means that we might have a harder road to walk than most to get there.
As I look back at the days that followed that dreadful phone call I remember the family members and friends that were there for me and those who have remained there since. I mourn the loss of those that were, for whatever reason, not able to be there for us but have to conclude that I am blessed with the friends that I consider close.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Confusion and family
Family, who would have 'em? you can't choose them and you can't change them no matter what you might want to do.
The last 36 hours have been pretty fraught so here is a basic outline:
10.30 my mother in law calls me a work to tell me that our 16 year old niece is pregnant. I was at work and I could barely speak, the tears came and the shaking started and a colleague had to calm me down. I know that she is a troubled young lady and I have no facts around any choices she has made or what choices she plans to make for the future but my first thought, screaming from inside me, was "HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?" It served as a reminder that this world is not fair and life can, on occasion, suck bit style.
The background to this young lady is one of running away, violent outbursts and assaults. Her boyfriend sounds like a troubled young man who has been an incredibly bad influence based on her change in behaviour from a kind, well manner and pleasant person. There are bad relationships in the family based on her choice of boyfriend and her recent actions but these are all things I have refused to get involved with.
The next question asked, in the same breath as my mother in law telling me that our niece is being investigating by social services and her fears that she will not be allowed to keep this baby, was to ask me if we would consider taking this child on. At this point words completely failed me. How could she ask me something like this? Without anything to support it except her own belief of what might happen and what she thinks would be for the best? I spent the afternoon running questions over and over - what would it mean, how would it work, what choice does our niece have and added to those any facts about the circumstances - does she want the baby, was it planned?
Later in the day I managed to explain to Andrew what I knew and his reaction was the same as mine. Luckily I managed to speak to my sister in law, the mother of the niece involved who was able to fill in the details - 9.5 weeks pregnant and not thinking about other than to go through the process of the pre-birth assessment that social services have started. Oh, and to enjoy her holiday to Portugal next week. It seems like 2 days in hospital with severe sickness and dehydration have not stopped her from going on holiday.
At the moment I have no idea what to think:
I am angry that the world is unfair
I am angry that my mother in law asked me whether we would take that baby
I am angry that my intelligent niece has been so stupid as to get pregnant in the first place
I am conflicted as to what we would do if, God forbid, social services removed the baby and turned to us
I have no answers and I don't know what to think but the time being I am staying out of it. I have refused to get involved and I have told people that I don't want updated every 5 minutes.
The last 36 hours have been pretty fraught so here is a basic outline:
10.30 my mother in law calls me a work to tell me that our 16 year old niece is pregnant. I was at work and I could barely speak, the tears came and the shaking started and a colleague had to calm me down. I know that she is a troubled young lady and I have no facts around any choices she has made or what choices she plans to make for the future but my first thought, screaming from inside me, was "HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?" It served as a reminder that this world is not fair and life can, on occasion, suck bit style.
The background to this young lady is one of running away, violent outbursts and assaults. Her boyfriend sounds like a troubled young man who has been an incredibly bad influence based on her change in behaviour from a kind, well manner and pleasant person. There are bad relationships in the family based on her choice of boyfriend and her recent actions but these are all things I have refused to get involved with.
The next question asked, in the same breath as my mother in law telling me that our niece is being investigating by social services and her fears that she will not be allowed to keep this baby, was to ask me if we would consider taking this child on. At this point words completely failed me. How could she ask me something like this? Without anything to support it except her own belief of what might happen and what she thinks would be for the best? I spent the afternoon running questions over and over - what would it mean, how would it work, what choice does our niece have and added to those any facts about the circumstances - does she want the baby, was it planned?
Later in the day I managed to explain to Andrew what I knew and his reaction was the same as mine. Luckily I managed to speak to my sister in law, the mother of the niece involved who was able to fill in the details - 9.5 weeks pregnant and not thinking about other than to go through the process of the pre-birth assessment that social services have started. Oh, and to enjoy her holiday to Portugal next week. It seems like 2 days in hospital with severe sickness and dehydration have not stopped her from going on holiday.
At the moment I have no idea what to think:
I am angry that the world is unfair
I am angry that my mother in law asked me whether we would take that baby
I am angry that my intelligent niece has been so stupid as to get pregnant in the first place
I am conflicted as to what we would do if, God forbid, social services removed the baby and turned to us
I have no answers and I don't know what to think but the time being I am staying out of it. I have refused to get involved and I have told people that I don't want updated every 5 minutes.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Baby Loss Awareness Week
This week is Baby Loss Awareness week and it the aim is to increase the awareness of the loss of all babies from those miscarried early in pregnancy to those born sleeping and those that are taken to Heaven soon after birth. 
My experience of baby loss is a miscarriage at 7 weeks. To me, it doesn't matter that I never saw my baby or held my baby or listen to a heart beat - it was still my baby and when I lost it I grieved. And I was allowed to.
At the time I felt a great deal of guilt for my grief. All around me the message was it was 'only a few cells' and it was 'not a real baby' and my grief was not always recognised as valid but I am lucky in the family and friends that recognised my grief and allowed me to grieve in the way that I needed to find acceptance of what had happened and to move forwards with my life.
All this being said I would like to share the story of my miscarriage here but as it is already on my other blog - vicfish-thelongandwindingroad.blogspot.com I have decided not to. With the anniversary of my loss less than 2 weeks away I do feel it would be too painful at the moment as I will do this properly for that anniversary.
I think, in my opinion, the most important thing is to remember that the loss of babies affects so many people that it needs to be remembered and those who have to go through this are not left feeling alone and isolated in their grief but supported in what can only be described as a life shattering, devastating event.
My experience of baby loss is a miscarriage at 7 weeks. To me, it doesn't matter that I never saw my baby or held my baby or listen to a heart beat - it was still my baby and when I lost it I grieved. And I was allowed to.
At the time I felt a great deal of guilt for my grief. All around me the message was it was 'only a few cells' and it was 'not a real baby' and my grief was not always recognised as valid but I am lucky in the family and friends that recognised my grief and allowed me to grieve in the way that I needed to find acceptance of what had happened and to move forwards with my life.
All this being said I would like to share the story of my miscarriage here but as it is already on my other blog - vicfish-thelongandwindingroad.blogspot.com I have decided not to. With the anniversary of my loss less than 2 weeks away I do feel it would be too painful at the moment as I will do this properly for that anniversary.
I think, in my opinion, the most important thing is to remember that the loss of babies affects so many people that it needs to be remembered and those who have to go through this are not left feeling alone and isolated in their grief but supported in what can only be described as a life shattering, devastating event.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A telling off.
I started my diet 6 days ago with the very best of intentions - no more eating crap, no more eating too much, more exercise and getting my 5 a day. So, when a friend offered to help and support me I was touched by her kindness. She asked me to show her my first few days food diary which I was proud of as they were heavy on the fruit and veg, not a chocolate or biscuit in sight.
How shocked was I when she called me and gave me a proper telling off? Why? Because my calorie count was, in her words, 'dangerously low'. It turns out that there is a minimum calorie intake which I need to eat in a day (1200 plus any extra for any exercise I do) and I had been so very proud of a diet that added up to less than 900 a day. Starvation mode was the thing that I was told I was doing to myself and I had no idea. Turns out that maybe I needed more from the nurse than I realised.
After I calmed down and reasessed everything another supportive friend suggested I use Myfitnesspal.com so I can track what I am eating and what exercise I am doing and it gives me my calorie intake and breaks down the food groups I need to (carbs, proteins and fats) and this has given me some more control but it does feel weird to look at my food and see that I am not eating enough although it is making me plan ahead as I need to have a rough idea of what I am doing though the day so that I am spreading food through the day and not leaving everything to my evening meal.
I am hoping that moving forwards I have the tools and support I will need to choose wisely and in support of my goals with complete control.
How shocked was I when she called me and gave me a proper telling off? Why? Because my calorie count was, in her words, 'dangerously low'. It turns out that there is a minimum calorie intake which I need to eat in a day (1200 plus any extra for any exercise I do) and I had been so very proud of a diet that added up to less than 900 a day. Starvation mode was the thing that I was told I was doing to myself and I had no idea. Turns out that maybe I needed more from the nurse than I realised.
After I calmed down and reasessed everything another supportive friend suggested I use Myfitnesspal.com so I can track what I am eating and what exercise I am doing and it gives me my calorie intake and breaks down the food groups I need to (carbs, proteins and fats) and this has given me some more control but it does feel weird to look at my food and see that I am not eating enough although it is making me plan ahead as I need to have a rough idea of what I am doing though the day so that I am spreading food through the day and not leaving everything to my evening meal.
I am hoping that moving forwards I have the tools and support I will need to choose wisely and in support of my goals with complete control.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Weight Loss
Whilst we are waiting for our preparation course I have been granted some time to take control of my weight to get a handle on it again.
I hate making these confessions as they make me feel awful but they have to be done:
current weight: 16stone 8lbs (ish)
current BMI: 37 and a bit
dress size: 20
This can not continue.
The last time I set out to loose weight I managed about 2 stone but what with the nightmares of the infertility treatments and then the added nightmare surround my miscarriage is all crept back on and brought with it some friends. I know that my BMI needs to be down under 30 for the medical world to not consider me massively overweight but that means a loss of 3 and half stone. I have been saying to myself 4 stone for so long that is seems to be the bet target to set myself. It would still put me in the over weight category but it has to be better than where I am at the moment. So, target 4 stone . . . .
And that takes time, effort and patience. It also takes motivation and support. I have asked for the latter 2 and received it is spades, something I am really grateful for. The first three are all sat on my own shoulders.
I have made the right steps - been the doctors and see the 'diet nurse' who weighed me and gave me advice. I get to keep going back to her for weigh ins every couple of weeks which means I have to do something. She has also asked me to keep a food diary which I have been doing for a few days and hope to continue it moving forwards as it shows me what I am eating and what exercise I am doing. At the moment I don't want to right the bad stuff in there so I am not eating - I never thought being made to write it down would be that much of an incentive.
My plan, in line with eating better, is also to increase my exercise which means more time and effort. So far I have decided to take advantage of my Wii and the fit board and the zumba workouts as both are things I can do in the privacy of my own home. I have also started making the effort to walk more - my husband kindly supporting me with 20 - 30 minutes every evening at a brisk walk around the village. In time my hope is that this might lead to running but that is something I am not planning on just yet.
On the plus side, I did make a start on this some time ago. When I got back on the Wii fit it told me off for not visiting for 54 days but it did then tell me that in those 54 days I had lost 5lbs so it is a good start and one I must continue.
Wish me luck.
I hate making these confessions as they make me feel awful but they have to be done:
current weight: 16stone 8lbs (ish)
current BMI: 37 and a bit
dress size: 20
This can not continue.
The last time I set out to loose weight I managed about 2 stone but what with the nightmares of the infertility treatments and then the added nightmare surround my miscarriage is all crept back on and brought with it some friends. I know that my BMI needs to be down under 30 for the medical world to not consider me massively overweight but that means a loss of 3 and half stone. I have been saying to myself 4 stone for so long that is seems to be the bet target to set myself. It would still put me in the over weight category but it has to be better than where I am at the moment. So, target 4 stone . . . .
And that takes time, effort and patience. It also takes motivation and support. I have asked for the latter 2 and received it is spades, something I am really grateful for. The first three are all sat on my own shoulders.
I have made the right steps - been the doctors and see the 'diet nurse' who weighed me and gave me advice. I get to keep going back to her for weigh ins every couple of weeks which means I have to do something. She has also asked me to keep a food diary which I have been doing for a few days and hope to continue it moving forwards as it shows me what I am eating and what exercise I am doing. At the moment I don't want to right the bad stuff in there so I am not eating - I never thought being made to write it down would be that much of an incentive.
My plan, in line with eating better, is also to increase my exercise which means more time and effort. So far I have decided to take advantage of my Wii and the fit board and the zumba workouts as both are things I can do in the privacy of my own home. I have also started making the effort to walk more - my husband kindly supporting me with 20 - 30 minutes every evening at a brisk walk around the village. In time my hope is that this might lead to running but that is something I am not planning on just yet.
On the plus side, I did make a start on this some time ago. When I got back on the Wii fit it told me off for not visiting for 54 days but it did then tell me that in those 54 days I had lost 5lbs so it is a good start and one I must continue.
Wish me luck.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Favourable Report Recieved.
After what seemed like forever to wait we did receive the report from social services and I was really pleased that it was favourable and including the next step as being that an invitation for the next preparation course would be sent when possible. I am was excited to see the envelope and it took me a while to stop shaking enough to actually open it and read what was there.
I have to commend the social worker as she took so many notes and wrote them up exactly - she was able to interpret us as we had hoped and she said some very complimentary things about us, our home and our circumstances. There were, as expected, a couple of points to be worked on but luckily all are relatively easy:
1) contraception - use some, not a problem! and completely understandable
2) for me to loose some weight, again I can understand where she was coming from and so I am hoping to make an appointment with the relevant nurse to prove my intent.
3) start more research on the challenges of parenting difficult children (and not of the adoption process which is where I have been focusing). Again, not a problem and something we can work on together when we get chance. it has allowed me to start looking for some of the books on the reading list she provided and hopefully I will be able to pick some up and get started.
I was so excited to read the conclusions and next steps and to realise that we could finally move forward. All I have to do next is find the patience needed to wait for confirmation of the course dates and then wait to actually take part in the course.
I have to commend the social worker as she took so many notes and wrote them up exactly - she was able to interpret us as we had hoped and she said some very complimentary things about us, our home and our circumstances. There were, as expected, a couple of points to be worked on but luckily all are relatively easy:
1) contraception - use some, not a problem! and completely understandable
2) for me to loose some weight, again I can understand where she was coming from and so I am hoping to make an appointment with the relevant nurse to prove my intent.
3) start more research on the challenges of parenting difficult children (and not of the adoption process which is where I have been focusing). Again, not a problem and something we can work on together when we get chance. it has allowed me to start looking for some of the books on the reading list she provided and hopefully I will be able to pick some up and get started.
I was so excited to read the conclusions and next steps and to realise that we could finally move forward. All I have to do next is find the patience needed to wait for confirmation of the course dates and then wait to actually take part in the course.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Patience
This week I am learning a new lesson in patience. We were hopeful that the report from our initial assessment would have arrived before the social worker we met went on holiday last week but unfortunately she didn't have chance and so we are back to hoping it will arrive this week - preferably before we go away for 5 days on Friday (today being Wednesday).
I have found this wait to be a strange one. The first few weeks were very much 'what will be will be' as we are good people and there is no reason for us not to be invited to take the next steps but the longer I wait the more I wonder if there was something the social worker saw that she didn't like or didn't think was right - I am pretty sure I am being paranoid but it is still a worry.
The time has been used profitably. I have been able to, in this time, spend time talking to ladies who have been in this place. They have all offered me positive and informative accounts of their experiences but above all they have been honest. Honest about the difficulties they came accross and the hurdles they had to over come and that has been very refreshing. No longer is anyone hiding the 'real and full' story from me as occured so often during my infertility investigations. No longer is there any false positivity but instead sensible reaslim.
The other use of time has been that we have been able to concentrate on us for a little while - on our relationship, what we want to do and the things that make us good as both individuals and together. It has also allowed us to take some time out from life in general which has done us the world of good.
I have found this wait to be a strange one. The first few weeks were very much 'what will be will be' as we are good people and there is no reason for us not to be invited to take the next steps but the longer I wait the more I wonder if there was something the social worker saw that she didn't like or didn't think was right - I am pretty sure I am being paranoid but it is still a worry.
The time has been used profitably. I have been able to, in this time, spend time talking to ladies who have been in this place. They have all offered me positive and informative accounts of their experiences but above all they have been honest. Honest about the difficulties they came accross and the hurdles they had to over come and that has been very refreshing. No longer is anyone hiding the 'real and full' story from me as occured so often during my infertility investigations. No longer is there any false positivity but instead sensible reaslim.
The other use of time has been that we have been able to concentrate on us for a little while - on our relationship, what we want to do and the things that make us good as both individuals and together. It has also allowed us to take some time out from life in general which has done us the world of good.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Another Step forwards
On Friday we had our initial assesment appointment and we were lucky to meet a lovely social worker who we spend over 2 hours talking to. We covered so many topics including our lives, backgrounds, families, friends, hobbies, finances, the cats and our home - she even took a full tour and looked over every room. It did feel very strange to talk in that much detail about so many personal things but it was also nice to reflect on just how lucky we are.
Alright we can't have biologcal children of our own but when we looked we have wonderful families and friends who are always there for us plus we have a lovely home, stable jobs and, most importantly, we have each other. There are so many people in this world that don't have these things that I feel it is worth taking a moment to remember what I do have and to be thankful for it.
Back to tha appointment - the only thing that the social worker could see as a concern was my weight. OK, my BMI is higer than it 'should' be according to those who profess that BMI is the be all and end of of weight and being over weight but never minding that I do have some to shift and so that is my new plan whilst we are waiting for the report and then, hopefully, to move forwards.
So, the next steps are to wait for the report to come back from the social worker along with a letter detailing what next. Our hope is that this letter will also be an invitation to the 'Preparing to Adopt' course which we need to do and hopefully it will be the next one which they think will be in about 6 months time.
Fingers crossed.
Alright we can't have biologcal children of our own but when we looked we have wonderful families and friends who are always there for us plus we have a lovely home, stable jobs and, most importantly, we have each other. There are so many people in this world that don't have these things that I feel it is worth taking a moment to remember what I do have and to be thankful for it.
Back to tha appointment - the only thing that the social worker could see as a concern was my weight. OK, my BMI is higer than it 'should' be according to those who profess that BMI is the be all and end of of weight and being over weight but never minding that I do have some to shift and so that is my new plan whilst we are waiting for the report and then, hopefully, to move forwards.
So, the next steps are to wait for the report to come back from the social worker along with a letter detailing what next. Our hope is that this letter will also be an invitation to the 'Preparing to Adopt' course which we need to do and hopefully it will be the next one which they think will be in about 6 months time.
Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Discharge
It has been a while since I have posted to here and this is because I have been waiting for one final thing - my discharge from all fertility treatment. I managed to get this last week and the feeling of relief was immense. I could have skipped out of the clinic, out of the hospital and away from the last 3 years of my life. I did feel a bit sorry for my consultant, it was almost like he didn't want me to go but he was out of options that I was prepared to consider and that means there was no other path for him to follow. It was a comfort to me that I had accepted the necessity and could smile about it.
We managed to celebrate that evening - a home cooked meal and a glass of wine might not seem like the best celebration but it was like turning back time to before. I know that nothing will erase the memory of the journey we have undertaken but my hope is that, given time, it can become fuzzy and the pain of it all will lessen. I am also hopeful that the 'old me' will be back to stay - the me that can enjoy life and see the positives. The me that wants to get out of bed in the morning and wants to see what excitment the day brings.
So, our next step is us waiting to receive an initial appointment with the Local Authority Adoption Service Social Worker - we are waiting for a call back as I type and I can't wait to get the ball rolling and moving onwards towards the future.
We managed to celebrate that evening - a home cooked meal and a glass of wine might not seem like the best celebration but it was like turning back time to before. I know that nothing will erase the memory of the journey we have undertaken but my hope is that, given time, it can become fuzzy and the pain of it all will lessen. I am also hopeful that the 'old me' will be back to stay - the me that can enjoy life and see the positives. The me that wants to get out of bed in the morning and wants to see what excitment the day brings.
So, our next step is us waiting to receive an initial appointment with the Local Authority Adoption Service Social Worker - we are waiting for a call back as I type and I can't wait to get the ball rolling and moving onwards towards the future.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Step 1 - Information Evening
So, last week we decided to go to the information evening. We knew that we would have time to wait before we could process any application but we wanted to get the information to give us plenty of time to digest it and to really understand the process and what it entails.
It was a very interesting evening and the meeting was much larger than I expected it to be. The adoption team were very clear about what the process would be, what steps would be required and we both found it incredibly interesting. We were able to come away have talked to a social worker with things to think about as well as a time scale as to when we could start the process properly. The very short answer to that question was after June and my last hospital appointment with the fertility clinic.
I was surprised by how many choices this process opens up for example:
How many children would you choose to adopt?
At what ages?
What gender?
Would we adopt children with learning difficulties or some form of disability?
I have thought we would have to choose these things only thought the the social workers would make matches based on what ever criteria they work with.
What we did conclude after much discussion is that this is an exciting time for us and we am really looking forward to moving along this road.
It was a very interesting evening and the meeting was much larger than I expected it to be. The adoption team were very clear about what the process would be, what steps would be required and we both found it incredibly interesting. We were able to come away have talked to a social worker with things to think about as well as a time scale as to when we could start the process properly. The very short answer to that question was after June and my last hospital appointment with the fertility clinic.
I was surprised by how many choices this process opens up for example:
How many children would you choose to adopt?
At what ages?
What gender?
Would we adopt children with learning difficulties or some form of disability?
I have thought we would have to choose these things only thought the the social workers would make matches based on what ever criteria they work with.
What we did conclude after much discussion is that this is an exciting time for us and we am really looking forward to moving along this road.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
A New Road
Today I made the choice to start a new road, to tread new paths and to fulfil our dreams of a family but taking us by taking a different road. Making to choice to adopt was one that we made with ease, we could give so much to a child why does it have to be one we have conceived and given birth to? The short answer for us what that it didn't. I fully expect this to be a long road and one fraught with ups and downs but one that I hope will have a happy outcome. Today I have requested the information pack, got details of the information evening and am feeling very positive about furthering investigations. I know we have to wait until we are permitted to make a formal application but I want to be ready for that deadline, I was to have everything prepared.
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