Christmas Time (let the countdown begin)

Mistletoe and wine . . .

Maybe not. But it has been a nice one, seeing family, eating and drinking far too much and presents as well. The best present for us this year came in the form of email.

The first was an email from our social worker to confirm that the ratification letter from the agency decision maker had confirmed our matching approval.

The second was a pile of photos. Photos of our children that I can keep.

It has to be the best Christmas present I have ever had.

Just 13 days left until we meet them.

Matching Panel – The Aftermath

After the excitement that was yesterday I thought a calmer head might be a good idea before I collected my thoughts and got something down for prosperity.

We arrived in plenty of time – 20 minutes early but as we waiting with our social working we were advised of a fire alarm and evacuation to take place as we were supposed to start so the plan was to complete the drill and then get started. The nerves were something – it is very rare that I am so nervous that I fear a repeat of my breakfast. By the time we went in, I have to confess, I was sweating buckets. The panel was a slightly different make up to the last time and the atmosphere was so different – so much friendlier and less intimidating and the questioning was so much better as well.

We were asked about our re-enactment hobby and our finances but only very briefly. The focus remained on why these children, what had attracted us to them, how we planned to parent them, to manage their medical needs, to manage contact arrangements in the future and to promote secure attachments and a positive and stress free transition from the foster carers. It was such a positive experience in comparison to our approval panel. Looking back all this felt like it took only minutes but in true is lasted about an hour before we were asked to leave and our social worker and the children’s social worker were asked to remain behind for a few more questions. Whereas last time that had lasted nearly another hour this time is was only 20 minutes and they all came out with beaming smiles to tell us that the decision to support our match had been unanimous.

My heart soared and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. The feedback was all positive, there were no concerns but rather lots of advice with reference to seeking support and a wish for us to keep them updated in the future. I had said to Andrew before we went in that I never wanted to go back but for an experience like that I would go back tomorrow (well, maybe not tomorrow but sometime in the future). They also offered some lovely comments about the family booked we prepared and handed over so the foster carers can introduce us to our children (saying that still makes me shiver – they are going to be our children!) after the stress and hype of Christmas is past.

The rest of the day was a blur – lunch at the golden arches, a few shops and an afternoon relaxing followed by a lovely meal at a local Chinese restaurant with Andrew’s parents. As this involved driving we saved our celebratory bottle of champagne for Tuesday evening at home – it was a wedding gift and we had been waiting for an occasion special enough to drink it and we decided this was it.

The next step is to wait. We have to plan the 2weeks of introductions carefully but in 3 weeks time we will meet our children for the first time and 5 weeks time we will be a family of 4.

Matching Panel - The Result

They said yes!

This was such a positive experience when compare to the last time we were in front of them. The questioning was relevant, there was no fixation of our hobby and they all decided that they wanted to support our match.

To say that I am stunned is an understatement.

Roll on the New Year. 2013 will be our year.

Christmas Cards

This year I made a choice not to send Christmas cards for 2 reasons.

1)      Have you seen the price of stamps?

2)      Time – with all the paperwork we have had time was at a premium

I am still doing cards for family, mostly hand delivered by us or by someone doing the visiting thing. Instead, for everyone else, I will wish everyone a Merry Christmas in person firstly using t his blog, Facebook and in person and I will make my stamp money a donation to a charity who I am starting to work more and more with – Adoption UK.

Christmas this year feels like a strange one, we are planning for it to be our last one as a family of 2, we sorted out presents in October knowing that the plan was for placement in January which meant that December was our month to buy the things we need like car seats, bed linen, decorative bedroom bits and all the necessaries children need for eating, drinking, sleeping and generally being safe in the house. We have done this – our spare bedrooms are spare no longer but rather filled with child friendly furniture, rugs and the bits and pieces of toys and books we are collected on the way.

Last year after Christmas I made the effort to hand make cards for this year – enough cards so as I didn’t have to worry about them in case we were too busy as I like the idea of hand made cards and the effort and thought that goes into them. The nice thing is that I will have them for next year.

In other news my job is no longer at risk of redundancy which has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. With only 3 sleeps before matching panel I couldn't have got that news at a better time.

So, wishing you a very Merry Christmas and the happiest and most prosperous of New Years.

Training Course - Part 3

The last training course was last Friday– behaviour management for the under 12s and the course I thought I would get most of on the basis of us having to manage 2 children from some time in mid January. It is a scary thought as it is not that far into the future despite me still saying it is ‘next year’. (I am glossing over the fact that is is next month!)

Before the course I recalled the talk we were given during our preparation course about behaviour management and remarks about some of the ‘super nanny’ techniques like the naughty step and time out. As a school age child I do remember being told to sit at the bottom of the stairs to think about my behaviour when I had done something naughty which is essentially a time out and the bottom of the stairs was my naughty step. The difference between me and the children I will be managing is attachment.

I had very secure attachments to my parents, I knew they were never going to leave me. I knew that they would come back for me when my time was done. When they first come to us our children will not have an attachment to us but will have to learn one and that has to take time. It is the same attachment that means a child automatically goes to a parent for comfort if there is a skinned knee or a banged head and the same attachment that allows children to find comfort from the right people and not from all with no discretion. It means that traditional methods aren't going to be the ones for us so we have be a bit more inventive.

A lot of the course centred around attachment, the different styles and what they mean is going on in a child's head and from that understanding behaviour and so being able to manage in a positive way. I came away feeling that it would be great to be able to understand our children but with an acceptable that we, like them, have a lot to learn about each other and giving time we will be ok.

So, let the countdown commence. 7 sleeps and couting. . . .

Matching Panel – Preparation

We have a confirmed date for when we go to our matching panel, for a while but until all the paperwork was updated and submitted it was not confirmed and quite frankly I was terrified it would not be in before the deadline and now it is submitted I am still terrified. This will be the same group of people whom we went in front of for our approval panel however so much more is riding on this one appointment.

The last panel were so focused on 2 elements of our lives that we have spent a great deal of time trying to answer their concerns. The first, our –re-enactment hobby was relatively easy to answer. We detailed the safety precautions in place and re-enforced as strongly as we could that our children would come first, before our hobby and we would never knowingly expose them to something that could cause them harm or distress. We offered them more references which were not taken up so hopefully we will satisfy their concerns.  

The second, our finances, was not so easy. At the end of the day they are no much different to where they were when we first saw panel in September. We earn the same, we pay out much the same although we have tried to streamline and add to savings. The other scare to add to the mix is the redundancies at work for me – I had the option to take a voluntary package (which I choose not to) and then their is a risk of compulsory redundancy and I it is horrible trying to second guess what might happen. At the end of the day I can’t, I am hoping for the best in the weeks to come.

The last thing we really have to prepare is our answers to any questions we might be asked once we get to panel and from talking to our social worker they seem straightforward enough. The one that has us stumped is:

Why these children?

I am not sure the answer 'because these are the only ones you put in front of us' works so we have to really think about it. They were the children put to us based on their matching exercises which has to say that the adoption team feel they are suitable but for me I need a better answer to give and I have less than 2 weeks to realise what it is.  

Roll on the 17^th and fingers crossed.

Planning for every eventuality.

As we feel like we have planned for every possible option for the children we are linked to we decided, in a light hearted moment, to make the following plan – just in case.

The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan

In the event of a zombie apocalypse we have prepared the following survival plan for the intended survival of us and our adopted children.

Our immediate safe space will be the loft in our house. It is accessed via a ladder which can be pulled back into the loft to deny access to the attacking hordes. We also plan to fix a piece of rope to the outside of the hatch in order to close this and prevent a line of sight to the children and us.

This plan makes the following presumptions:

-         Zombies are infectious if they bite or share bodily fluids with the healthy

-         Zombies are not intelligent and have limited capacity to learn

-         Zombies can only be killed if beheaded, punctured through the brain or set on fire

-         As we live in a rural area the we will have a short amount of advance notice as the Zombies will go through more populated areas first. We are also presuming that our elderly neighbours will not survive.

-         Electricity and water supply will last for a finite amount of time once the crisis begins

In the first instance our priorities will be 2 fold. One adult will ensure the children are relocated to the loft along with quiet toys (to prevent zombies locating us using noise), duvets and pillows plus a basic first aid kit and a small number of clothes. The second adult will focus on the kitchen. Supplies of food and water along with all available knives can be relocated to provide subsistence and protection for the short term and until such time as the garage can be accessed and further supplies obtained.

Our loft has 2 windows which can be used as look outs to watch for zombies moving towards us using the road and the surrounding fields. Using the windows we can access the roof in case of emergency rescue situations. They can be locked to prevent access by zombies on the roof.

We have available in the garage at all times the following survival equipment:

-         4 sleeping bags and mats/ airbeds with blankets and pillows

-         Camping gas cooking system with spare gas bottle and suitable tools

-         Swords, pole arms and other suitable ‘weapons’

-         Tools and supplies to barricade the windows and doors if necessary

Each car will be stocked with a basic survival kit which would allow for immediate survival should the house need to be evacuated. These kits will include suitable car seats for each child based on their age, height and weight. 

Supplies can be located from the following in order of distance (nearest to the house first). We will have taken the opportunity to raid empty houses within the locality first.

-         3 miles Co-op and Jet garages for food and fuel

-         Tesco and One stop 5 m miles away. There are also a number of ‘Pound Stretcher’ type shops that sell food that could be utilised 

-         Between 5 and 15 miles they are a wealth of shops of various sizes from which we can restock supplies once the more local sources have run dry

During these trips we have planned that one adult will remain with the children whilst the other under takes the gathering of supplies unless a third person comes into our refuge when this person will be the second on the gathering of supplies.

Once the infestation is cleared and the world begins anew we plan to make sure of the surrounding gardens and farms to become self sustaining whilst looking to become part of a community which supports itself without turning into a fanatically religious dictatorship or military operation. We plan to remain in our home as we have a solar powered hot water supply, bottled gas on which to cook and a multi fuel stove to heat our home and so we can survive once the electricity supply stops. We are also close enough to a natural running water supply from which we can retrieve water which can be boiled and treated before use.

This survival plan can also be adapted for us during an outbreak of an infectious disease (however an ‘all clear’ will be required before inclusion in a community is considered) and alien invasion however in the event of extreme weather the following amendments can be made:

- For a period of extreme cold the relocation space will be the lounge with the multi fuel fire. Mattresses will be used against the windows and external walls to insulate the room. All clothing will be brought from the wardrobes for use along will as much wooden furniture as possible in piece form for fuel.

Training Course Take 2

Yesterday we attended the second of the 3 training courses we were invited to attend, this one on Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and Neo-Natal Abstintance.

I always surprises me the number of children in the care system suspected of having some form of after effect from alcohol exposure during pregnancy as well as how far reaching the spectrum is. I thought I would be angrier with the women who drank during pregnancy but I just feel sorry for them. I find it very sad that they know no better, that they don’t have the necessary information and support to stop their drinking and more importantly that there is something more important that their unborn children. 

The most interesting element of the course was listening to a gentleman from FASD talking about his girls – 2 with Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and 1 without. I had hoped to get a lot more about how to cope with children on this spectrum but what I did come away with was a reminder that all children are different and what works for one might not work for another and whilst I will make mistakes as a parent I will also learn what is best of my children.

I would recommend anyone wanting to learn more visit this website - http://www.fasdtrust.co.uk/

In other news we meet some more very interesting foster carers and I ready admire the work they do to support children and young people when they come into the care system plus we also make an expedition to investigate car seats and we have made a decision after lot of help from Mr Halfords and mr Kiddicare. 

10 things adoptive parents wish their friends and family understood

Today I am shameless borrowing a post from here:

http://m.parentdish.co.uk/mum/10-things-adoptive-parents-wish-their-friends-and-family-understood/

Mainly because I think it is brilliant and because I don't think it could be said better.

These are 10 of the things I wish friends understood about what it's like to adopt children.

1. The right vocabulary to use

Just to get this straight from the start. I am my children's real mum. The people whose genes they share are their birth family. Clear? Good. Because making up bedtime stories, mending grazed knees and remembering which one hates tomatoes make me just as much a real parent as anyone else.

Oh, and please drop the 'adopted' when introducing us to others. They're our children. Full stop.

2. Our parenting style will almost certainly be different
Yes, I know you'd put yours in a time out on the naughty step and withhold a sticker from her chart. But if my daughter has misbehaved as a consequence of believing she's had so many sets of parent figures in her short life because she's inherently unlovable, making her feel bad isn't going to help me change her mind. If you disagree, either keep quiet or ask me to lend you a book on it.

3. We often feel like outsiders when other mums talk about pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding
I'm well aware that for you, your NCT coffee morning or church toddler group is a chance for you to share everything with people who've been there. Marvellous. But our children are all over two now. Get over the birth and the boobs and move on!

I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation about epidurals or breast pumps, and would much rather find out about how to get blackcurrant stains out of the sofa.

4. We will disappear sometimes, and it's not personal
Especially for the first few months after the children move in. It's mainly about

'funnelling' (making sure the adoptive parents are the only ones to meet the child's needs, to promote healthy attachment).

It may also be sheer exhaustion as we cope with these hurting little people who have moved house again and are trying to understand it all. Later, it may still be that our children get overwhelmed with a situation (parties or visits to friends in particular) and we have to make a swift exit for the sake of everyone's sanity. Please don't be offended.

5. Our children can't always cope with playing with your children
Sometimes, things your family takes for granted are all a bit new and overwhelming for adopted children. Large groups of people can be scary. Lots of choices or several things happening at once can be hard to process. And a child who's had a traumatic start in life will respond in ways that worked for them before ? this might mean screaming, running away, becoming aggressive. They're not just 'being naughty', so your help in trying to keep things low-key and not too exciting would be great.

6. Sorry, it's just not appropriate for you to cuddle our children
First they lived with their birth family. Then in many cases they moved through several foster placements before moving in with their adoptive family. So they need to work out that their parents are the right people to go to for cuddles and reassurance, and that we can and will meet all their needs.

I am very well aware that my fabulous children are gorgeous little cherubs and they might well be very willing to jump on your knee or accept your sweets, but please point them back to us until we let you know it's OK.

7. Yes, all children do X, but not all the time.
Toddler tantrums. Biting. Kicking. Screaming that they hate you. Yes, I know your children have done this too. But many adopted children do this simultaneously and unceasingly for months on end. Yep, at the age of nine. Welcome to Planet Adoption.

So please listen sympathetically while I tell you how extreme it is. And feel free to provide tea and cake with the shoulder to cry on...

8. There are very good reasons why we can't let you take pictures of our children in the school play
Yes, we know it's a pain. We'd love to show off our little shepherd/angel/wise man on Facebook too. But there's a chance that a friend of a friend sees our child online or in a photo on your mantelpiece and puts two and two together, and suddenly dangerous birth family members know where my children go to school and they are put at risk.

9. It's complicated and there are some things we can't explain to you
Some things we do as the adoptive parents of previously abused or neglected children will be, well, idiosyncratic. Weird, if you prefer. Because it's not appropriate to tell you details of why they were removed from their birth family, we can't always explain why things have to be a certain way.

10. We really appreciate your support. Pass the chocolates...
Not all our friends stick around when we adopt. Then there are those who do stick around and say and do things that aren't helpful.

But if you want to be an adoptive parent's best friend, I have two more pieces of advice: bring chocolates round once the kids are in bed, and read all the books on adoption you can find. That would be wonderful.

Safety First

Our next purchase and possible one of the more expensive is car seats. I have been trying to do some research –asking for recommendations, looking for online guides and in the shops and quite honestly I am confused (again).

There is so much choice, so many options and such a difference in price between the different brands which got me asking myself if I was paying for a brand name or if the more expensive seats really are the safest for my children. At the end of the day it is their safety that is of the utmost importance and I will not risk their safety to save money but also I would rather not pay over the odds if I don’t need to.

We do travel in the car a fair bit and I can’t see that changing once the children are with us and settled – to visit family and friends, for days out, and for general every day purposes. We live in a quiet rural village that does not benefit from public transport so I can’t see me every leaving the house to catch a bus or a train without using the car first.

So, back to car seats. Do I want 2 stage 1-2-3 seats or a stage 1 seat and a stage 1-2-3 seat with a plan to move about in the future and to get a booster seat? Removable and washable covers are a must but I can’t see the purpose of cup holders. 5-point harness look best but having it removable for when the seat moves up to using the actual seat belt. Colour is not to be worried about but I do want them to comfortable as well as safe.

It is hard talking to ‘normal’ parents as they all have a different starting point – a stage 0 baby seat and I really don’t need that. There also seems to be a massive difference in recommendations based on the cars, the children and the use that parents put their car seats to. It is so confusing my brain is fizzled.

Anyway, next stop, a shop where I can try seats in our car to see which fits best.

Confessions

This weekend we were booked to visit my parents, which we were really looking forward to, as we have been so busy we have not had a lot of time to see them. So, Saturday morning we packed up, drove the 80 or so miles and arrived. During the drive we had made a choice, a choice to tell our parents the names of our children as we decided it was time to share a little bit more and because I wanted to share in person rather than over the phone and the time I see them will be 22 December.

However, on arrival we were greeted by my parents with a confession. One of a shopping nature. They introduced us to Mr Giraffe with a note that said:

Hello, my name Mr Giraffe, I have run away from the zoo and I thought it would be nice to come and live with you.

He is the most amazing thing I have ever come across.

This confession continued with a pair of gorgeous teddy bears, a pair of rug tugs, a pull along grasshopper, some mega blocks and a fabulous circus play tent. Bringing everything home and placing it in the bedrooms was such a special moment as these things are ready to be played with.

After all that I was pleased to have made the choice to share a little bit more as our excitement really is shared by those closest to us as well.

We then took ourselves to visit Andrew’s parents to share this with them as well. It was lovely to be able to do so and we can’t wait until December comes and we can start to share more with other family and friends.

In other news a round robin from the 3 other couples came yesterday and all 3 will have their children placed in the next 4 weeks – it is such wonderful news and an amazing Christmas present for each of those families. I hope that everything goes well and this is the best Christmas ever for them.  

Meeting the Foster Carers

Yesterday was a crazy day as in one swoop we met not only the paediatrician who has assessed the children and prepared their medical reports but we also met the foster carers who they are currently living with.

I have always had a great deal of respect for foster carers – especially since my parents fostered when I was younger as they are expected to perform miracles from taking children at a moments notice, though dealing with whatever needs they come with, to handing them onwards whether that be back to birth families, to more suitable care arrangements or to adoptive parents. I can only imagine how difficult it is to hand over a child you have become attached to even though you know that one day it will happen.

I was really nervous, I desperately wanted this couple to like us, to find us suitable to be parents to the children in their care. The problem was waiting until the end of the day as it dragged. Once we had met them I couldn't believe how silly I had been as they were truly lovely and I cam imagine they will be very supportive when the time comes..

Anyway we went with a list of questions to rival the Spanish Inquisition, pages of them, which went into every single detail we could think of in the hope that we could learn as much as possible about the children and what we might expect. It was really hard to know what to expect. Luckily they answered most questions before we had chance to ask them and they even brought more photos and video clips to show us.

I ought to add that meeting the paediatrician was very interesting as she has completed medicals on both the children since they  have been in the care system. She did go through worst case scenarios for both but her honest opinions were positive.

So, things are looking good.

Horses for Courses

Our social worker has been good enough to invite us to attend 3 different courses that are run by a child psychologist and cover a number of different topics. We were really pleased to be invited to attend these as we figured it would arm us with useful information about things we might expect in the future.

We attended the first course yesterday; the topic was Grief, Loss and Separation for Children.  It feels like most people presume grief and loss come from a bereavement but for looked after children that is not always the case. These children move from placement to placement and often before that have experienced chaotic lives with birth families and so each time this happens the child experiences a loss and the grief that this separation causes. They also loose their possessions along the way along with their surroundings from nursery and school to the familiar set of swings at the nearest park and family pets.

It really amazed me but the number of things children loose naturally as they progress into adulthood but for looked after children is seems to magnify and because many suffer from poor attachments it is made even harder. Sadly some of these loses we can’t prevent, change or make any easier but for a few there is.

We know that our children will come with their things and we have been strongly advised to, wherever possible, replicate what they are used to in order to make the transition a little bit smoother. The more I understand about attachment the more I understand why, I am bit sad that I lack choice (although that is tempered with relief after I saw just how much choice their was) I want to make sure they have the smoothest transition we can possibly give them.

Whilst the course was very interested what I found the most enlightening was listening to the foster carers also attending talk about their experiences of children that have come into their care and then moved on. It reminded me that our children are in such a placement and that their foster carers will have to prepare them to move as well as dealing with their own loss as the children have been a part of their lives for a long time. 

Our next course is in three and half weeks time and covers Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and Neo-Natal Abstinence and is the one course I am not really looking forward to. In the mean time we have 2 other appointments to attend this week and I can’t wait.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and I'll be joining the international Wave of Light in memory of my angel and all the other little ones across the world who've been lost during pregnancy, birth and infancy. To take part in the Wave of Light, just light a candle for an hour between 7-8pm.

 

2 years ago I suffered my only loss - somewhere between 6 and 7 weeks after infertility treatments and at the time it felt like my world had ended. I can look back today and realise that although my world didn't end it was the worst period of my life as I had to come to terms with the end of the pregnancy just as I was getting excited about it and my inability to have children at all. Then, as now, I had the most amazing support from the people around me - from those family and friends who are closest to me as well as people from the outskirts of life who added the support and love and helped me to come to terms with my loss and to heal.

 

Yesterday, with a number of friends, I completed the Great Eastern Run in Peterbough. Of the group of 7, 2 completed the half marathon in less than 2 hours and 15 minutes and the rest of us completed the fun run in 65 minutes. Not bad for a lady on crutches (not me, our inspirational team leader!) Together we have raised over £1000 in sponsorship and done our very best to achieve as much publicity for the Miscarriage Association as possible so to support them in support others who have suffered such a loss. I was incredibly proud to stand as part of such a great team.

 

Today I want to say thank you. And to lit my candle and remember.

 

Tomorrow I continue on my journey a better person for the experiences I have had.

Photographs

Yesterday we met the social worker of the children we are being linked to and she very kindly showed us some photographs of the children. They are absolutely beautiful! Nothing like I imagined from the descriptions on the profiles but still beautiful.

But it got me to thinking about when it might be best to show a prospective adoptive parent a photograph of a child. When we were first told about them we were given copies of their CPRs (their Child Permanence Reports). These documents told us everything about the children from significant dates, histories, physical appearance, preferences and relationships. But they did not include photographs – these had been specifically removed and many people around me were surprised by this.

I wasn’t.

I was pleased that we were able to form an attachment to these children because of what we knew about them and not what they looked like. One of my concerns from early in the process was that I would not be able to say to children once I had seen a photograph of them no matter what the issues surrounding them and I can see how dangerous this might be. The last thing that anyone wants is for children to go into the wrong adoptive placement as this causes nothing but pain and heartbreak for all involved. For many prospective adoptive parents, myself included, I have wanted a family so desperately for such a long time that I can see how easy it would be to accept a child or children that I knew might not be the best match.

I suppose that in this respect I am lucky as the children we being linked do look, sound and feel like the right match for us, last night’s appointment cemented that as we found a lot more about their personalities, their likes and dislikes and their relationships with the people around them.

The next steps is to wait for some more appointments - with the foster carer and the paediatrician for a start.

An Expedition

As I said earlier in the week I have made a start on some of my shopping as we may not have a huge amount of time to collect everything we are going to need for our children before the move in. When a couple realises they are going to be parents they have the entire pregnancy to prepare – anything up to 8 whole months. For us we have at the most possibly 3 months which is less than half and although it sounds like a long time it really doesn’t feel like it especially when we need to prepare ourselves for 2 children at different ages and with very different requirements.

So, how did I get started? Looking online is one thing but you can’t tell relative size or practicalities so I took myself to the shops. The massive Kiddicare in Peterborough and a nearby Toys’r’us as well as a huge Asda and what did I conclude? That the world of retail and baby/ children’s products is not geared up for families accepting into their lives 2 children who are not newborn. So much we came across was ‘from birth’ or ‘from 9 months’. Looking round it was presumed that we would already have so much from our children being newborns and that just isn’t the case.

I know that adoption is not a route chosen by the majority and I know that the retail world caters for the majority but it was so hard looking round these places and to so much saying ‘ we don’t need, our children will be too old’. And most of it to things I always wanted – Moses baskets, activity mats and gyms, cot mobiles, high chairs, prams: a whole world of things we will never need. The whole experience, whilst being so very exciting was also upsetting as it was a huge reminder of what I will not have. As much as I can’t wait for the ‘firsts’ that will be ours to share I wish I could have had them all.   

What is in a name?

A few months ago there was a, quite frankly, awful article about adopted children and their names which went into the issues surrounding some of the more unusal names and whether it is right for adoptive parents to change names. I don't like the idea of changing a child's name - after all they are not animals to rename when they are rehomed although I can see the sense when there is significant risk for the child or when the name makes then easy to identify and locate.

One of my biggest fears around being matched with children, after waiting forever to be matched, was what if I hated their names. How was I going to use those names every day knowing that I didn't like them and that I hadn't chosen them?

I guess I am lucky.

Today I know the names of the children we are being linked to and much as I desperatly want to share then with the entire world I also want to be able to annouce them to family and friends as any new parent would and because of that I will wait until I know that they are definatly for us and when they will come to live with us and then I will share them with the world.

And the best bit - I like their names. One I would have chosen for my own child and the other is just as nice and I can't wait until I can use them every single day.

An Update

It has been a while since I have found something to blog about however life has been really busy and time since to have flown past since we went to our approval panel over a month ago. On one hand if feels like yesterday but on the other hand it feels like forever ago. Last week we saw our social worker to talk over the profiles we were given for 2 children and this week we are meeting with their social worker to pursue whether they could be a suitable match for us.

It is so very exciting and so far everything is looking very promising. So promising that I have allowed myself to start collecting a few little bits and pieces that could be suitable for any child that we adopt and not specifically these 2. So far I have a few books and  toys, a wooden height chart, a pair of monitors, a booster seat (to fit a dining chair so our child can sit to the table with us), a bath thermometer and some anti slip fish to go in the bath - it doesn't sound like much but if feels like so much to me. I have also found a wonderful second hand pushchair that will be perfect for what we need and hopefully if will suit the child.

I know that it is bad luck to have these things in the house this early but I think I have had my quota of bad luck for one life time so I am prepared to risk it. I refuse to by anything child specific at the moment but it is such a lovely feeling to think that every day we could be closer to bringing our children home.

After our appointment later this week my next event is the Great Eastern Fun Run next weekend and my Miscarriage Association t-shirt with bright blue tutu and leg warmers are ready to do - wish me luck!

Am I crazy?

It certainly feels like it.

On top of everything else that seems to be going on in my life at moment I am taking part in the Perkins Great Eastern Run with my friends from Ladies Circle, my husband and a few other friends to raise money for the Miscarriage Association - a charity whose services I  have had cause to use.

The sane part of me has agreed to complete the fun run, only 5km, instead of the half marathon (the thought of which fills me with dread).

So, why the MA? Not only is it the charity chosen by the National Chairwoman for Ladies Circle but it is also a charity I choose to support as I feel strongly that the service the offer to people at such a devastating time is crucial. When I found myself in the devastating situation of grieving for my lost baby the MA was the place I turned to and found so much support: it was a place to remember with people to talk about how I was feeling openly and honestly and I was understood. It was also much more available that accessing services from my GP.

So, all that leaves me to do is to ask for sponsorship:

http://www.justgiving.com/Holbeach-Ladies-Circle
I know it is cheeky but as they say, 'don't ask, don't get' and I figured every little helps. I have already had so many friends give so very generously, it reminds me that miscarriage touches so many lives and has such a devastating impact that the services the MA offer remains invaluable.

5 Years!

I know that it is a little late - 5 days to be exact but in all the excitement of visiting friends and our approval panel posting this fell by the wayside however I didn't want it to as I don't often have a good enough excuse to gush.

So, 5 years ago on the 1 September (2007) at exactly 2pm I married the man of my dreams.

On Saturday we spent a lovely day flying kites, walking on the front at New Brighton on the Wirral (which included fish and chips) and a fabulous Greek meal in even better company. I am not sure we could have had a better day. It was a very different day to our wedding day - much cooler weather, different locations and we are now 2 different people - made so by our experiences. One thing has not changed. We still love each and, sadly, we have had chance to prove that 'for better or for worse' we are together for the long haul.

Today I dedicate this post, along with what remains of my sanity to him and hope for many more '5 years' in the future.

Approval Panel

So, today was the day - Approval panel day. It seems to have come round so quickly in the last couple of weeks but we were really prepared for it. After agonising over the little details (what to wear, how early to be etc) we arrived in plenty of time and feeling nervous but ready.

The actual panel was 10 people sat in a horse shoe formation with us sat with our social worker facing them all. I can't remember every being that nervous of that intimidated by a group of people. They did introduce themselves and luckily they have kindly provided name tags in front of themselves to help. Then the questions started. We reckon that is lasted about 25 minutes before we were asked to wait in another room whilst they discussed our references and other confidential information. Our questions were as we expected - our finances, our re-enactment hobby and my experiences from when my parents fostered and I think, based on nerves we answered ok.

It felt like we were waiting for ages - in hindsight only about 20 minutes when our social worker came back with the panel chair and the decision makers advisor (or at least that is who I thought he was) to tell us that the panel was making a positive recommendation.

My heart skipped a beat as it does come with a but. Not a big but however one big enough to have deflated me a little bit. One comment was regarding our re-enactment, more to do with how costumes and mainly weapons are stored and kept safe and away from children so I reckon more detail in our report will cover that without problems. The other set me thinking. It was commented on that the panel thought our finances would be tight if we were to adopt a sibling group so have asked us to reconsider and just take on one at a time. At the end of the day we have we have and we thought we had enough. As did our social worker. I guess we have some more work to.

The next step is to wait for the confirmation of the approval from the adoption agency decision maker in the next 7 - 10 days. Whilst we know it is just a formality it is still another nervous wait.

Report Complete

Our PAR (Prospective Adopters Report) is complete.

Submitted yesterday it is absolutely huge, a complete epic. Over 100 pages of information about us, our relationships, our histories, our lives and our potential future. It also includes our family trees, support maps, financial assessments, preparation course report, second opinion visit report and our comments. The only bit we don't get to see if the references people have written and the report of the reference visits that were undertaken.

The best bits are how accurate a reflection it is of us both as individuals and as a couple as well as how much of our homework assignments have been included as direct quotes. I am really hoping it makes us more than just a report for the panel who must see lots of them. Plus moving forwards this is the report that the social workers for prospective children will see.

It feels so very strange to write that as it feels like we have been waiting forever for it. I know that is an over reaction as really it has only been 12 weeks since our last visit - the 24 May. Wow, that is longer than I thought. This wait has been frustrating especially knowing that other couples are ahead of us and that is just down to how organised their social worker is. Regardless we are here now, our social worker's manager is happy with the report and it has been submitted. Now the wait is for the panel.

2 weeks and 3 days . . . . .

Weddings: part 2

Last weekend saw the second of the wedding we have been invited to this year and it was a real family affair, children all over the place, enjoying themselves and generally adding to the day. It reminded me that I want to be able to take my children to events like this.

The bride and groom were stunning, it was wonderful to seem them so happy and for the day to have been everything they every wanted. It was also a day that they managed to keep very personal to them which made it even better. 

I also spent the remainder of the weekend with my parents, my aunt and uncle and their 4 year old Granddaughter. This included making cake (and decorating not only it but also my Mum’s kitchen and myself with it) and a trip to the zoo. If I enjoyed spending the day in Ikea with her then I really enjoyed the weekend as it reminds me of not only the joy that children can bring but also how much energy I am going to need in order to keep up.

We are still waiting for our approval panel – still another 3 weeks but I keep telling myself that we are still a lot nearer that we ever have been and with any luck these next 3 weeks will fly past. It helps that we have plenty planned including  a camping trip and a Christening.

In other news the first couple from our preparation course have been to their approval panel and are approved and waiting to be matched which is fabulous news and I wish them all the very best. The next couple is due before panel today and I have every crossed for them and then it will be our turn. The last couple will go a few weeks after us. Sadly of the 7 couples we are the only ones that remain.

2nd Opinion Visit

Today was the next visit, it seems such a long time since we have seen a social worker but the nerves were back and the hoover was out in plenty of time. Today’s visit was a different social worker. Her task was to take the report already written by our social worker and make sure it was an accurate reflection of us.

For me it was an exciting visit as it should have confirmed that the report was finished (with the exception of her comments). Sadly the report, although an epic already in excess of 100 pages is still under construction with bits and pieces that need to be completed and included before the deadline of 20 August.

We got our copy of this first draft yesterday and it was a mammoth task to read it and make sure the details were correct. Happily, with the exception of a couple of little errors it was all correct and it really was an accurate reflection of us and our lives. It was also lovely to see paragraphs taken from the home work assignments we completed over the home study assessment as they were our thoughts and feelings in our own words.

One paragraph that we wrote was this one:

“Adoption means a lot to us – firstly because it gives us the chance to be parents, to provide for children and in turn watch them grow and achieve their full potential, whatever that might be. We are also a little in awe of the fact that we will have been through a rigorous assessment process and from that, deemed suitable to be parents. It is so very different from deciding to have a baby ‘naturally’ in that any one can do that. We have made the active choice to be parents, to be parents to special children and have made the effort to go through a gruelling process to do so. We entered into adoption in a very selfish way, we wanted children, we wanted to complete our family and we saw all the good things we could give to a child in the terms of basic needs, a good lifestyle and a better future. This process has shown us that our focus needs to be on the children, regardless of what we want or need: they have to come first in all things”.

I feel like this says it all.
Back to this visit - 2 and a half hours later, a lot of questions and another tour of the house and garden and this social worker left happy with the report, happy with our answers and happy to support us moving forwards.

What it does mean is that we are still on for the approval panel in September as our completed report had to be submitted 2 weeks prior - the next deadline being the 20 August.

Difficult Questions

Our report is almost written and later this week we have our second opinion visit but today I received an email from our social worker asking questions that I never thought I would have to answer.

What provision will be made for the children in the event that my husband and I separate or if we were to die?

I never thought we would have to decide these things before children were even a part of our lives but I guess we need to prove to social services that not only we are serious but that we have the children at the heart or every choice we make - that and the provision for their care should the very worst happen.

Answering these questions today has reminded me how unsure the future is. We have no plans to separate. We have no plans not to live to a ripe old age. But no one knows what is around the next corner. It does make me wonder how many people who have birth children ask and answer these questions first.


In other news I spent Sunday in Ikea with my mum, my aunt and my cousin's 3 year old daughter. It was a lovely reminder of the rewards that children come with, one day I hope to take my children to Ikea to play on the toys and to tell them off for putting random items in the trolleys of anyone and everyone passing by.

What not to say.

I have had a fabulous weekend which included a coffee (well, a coke for me) with one of the ladies I met on our adoption preparation course. It was nice to be able to talk to some one who is walking the same pathway and to realise that we are going through the same range of emotions, fears, worries and excitements.

It also got me thinking about all the things that have been said or could be said to people adopting. Some of these are silly, some from ignorance and many are meant in the nicest of ways however some can be downright hurtful.

So, some of the things that have been said to us which you might want to consider as 'not to say':

• You are very brave. Why? What is so brave about having a family? Do you tell pregnant ladies that they are brave? I made a choice. I want a family. There is nothing brave about that.
• I couldn’t do what you are doing. How do you know? Ever been in my shoes? No, so how do you know what you could or couldn’t do. This one always seems to hurt more when it is said by people with birth children as they often have no real appreciation of the struggle most potential adoptive parents have faced.  
• I couldn’t raise some one else’s children. They will not be someone else’s children. They will be my children.
• By Christmas (or any given point in the future) you will have your family/ be buying children’s presents etc. That is one amazing crystal ball you have, is it always accurate?
• What will you do if they have awful names? Deal with it. They are children, not dogs, and we can't just change their names because we don't like them.
• Have you considered IVF/surrogacy? Why is that any of your business? We are educated adults who have looked into all the options and this is the one we have chosen, we don't need you telling us about options we have already discussed and possibly even tried.
• Will they look like you? We will not be biologically related. Why would they look like us?

And finally

• You’ll be pregnant 6 months after they move in. REALLY! Because if I could have gotten pregnant I wouldn’t have done it before I applied to adopt. Because I have not had to go onto a form on contraception as part of the application process. Because this is such a common occurrence – that couple in the paper are just the tip of the iceberg. It is not a common occurrence and quite frankly this has come from a couple of people very close to me and it infuriates me. I know there are some people who choose adoption as a first choice but for many adoption is the answer after years of fertility treatment. Adopting does not cure infertility.

 I am sure that there are plenty more but you have to remember like all prospective parents those waiting to adopt, no matter at what stage or assessment or approval, are excited that there dreams might one day come true.

I have said it before and I will say it again, it is great that you care enough to ask about it, to talk to me about it and to want to share in my journey but just have a thought before you speak that what you are saying is actually positive and helpful. There is already enough negativity surrounding adoption and it doesn't need those closest to add add to it.

A weekend away.

This last week has seen a very grumpy me. A very tired, very grumpy and easily irritated me. I don’t even know why. And I don’t like than me. I decided to help a friend out but also to take some me time but attending the English Heritage Festival of History at Kelmarsh Hall and I decided to go on my own. It was all a little bit different as I was not attending with my usual group, instead I was helping out another group which meant slightly different costume and the removal of all responsibility.

During last week in the run up I felt guilty about going on my own and leaving my husband behind but then I reminded myself that one the great strengths of our relationship is our ability to spend time separately and still to come home to each other at the end of the day and enjoy being together. I want to think that I will not the chance again for a long time but I think I might. He helped me to pack, he helped me to load the car, he wished me well and he promised to do some work around the house and garden which did alleviate my guilt as usually I spent half a day at the weekend cleaning.

I decided not to pack any sewing or anything that ‘needs’ to be done. Instead I made sure my kindle was fully charged and I had a puzzle book and a working pen. I also made sure I had a blanket that I could spread on the grass if all I wanted to do was sleep in the sunshine. Well that was my dream. The torrential rain ended that as by Saturday morning the campsite was a swamp in the nice bits, a standing pudding is the not so nice bits and there was effectively a small river running though the middle. No fun for those who tents were in the way, which mine luckily, was not. The event was cancelled and people started going home. I was home by lunchtime on Saturday and my weekend was turned on its head.

It gave me more time to think. I challenged myself to decide what was making me so grumpy and irritable. It was hard to come to a conclusion and to lay it at the feet of one single thing. I think a lot of it surrounds the number of people around me expecting babies and although I am happy for them I don’t seem to be able to quell that jealousy that wishes it could have been me. I see people having families and I want that. I see time moving forwards and life changing dramatically and I am sat still, nothing has changed and I have no idea if or when it might. We have had confirmation that we will not be able to go before the approval panel in August however the next one is just 3 weeks later. It sounds like a long time and I can imagine it might be when we get there but I have to get on with being busy and hopefully it will be with me before I realise it.

Feeding the ducks

Not too long past I spent the weekend camping next the edge of a beautiful river and as part of the fun some friends and I went to feed the ducks. It was great fun to stand on the river bank throwing bread for them and it got me thinking of the little things that I want to do when our family comes home. I decided to make myself a list to look at for hard days when my patience is wearing thin - days like today when I found out that 2 reference letters were missing, that our adoption agency has not paid for our medical reports so they are still at the doctors (after they told me they were missing) and that out approval panel might be put back by 3 weeks.

So my little things:
- bed time stories. I want to read my children 'The Tiger that Came for Tea', 'The Hungry Caterpillar' and all the other books I loved as a child
- hand print painting, I want pictures stuck on the fridge, hopefully so many the magnets can barely manage and it is a struggle to open the fridge door
- bath time with more bubbles than can fit in the bath, making 'spikey normans' out of hair and stopping only when there is more water on the bathroom floor than in the bath
- I want to stand on Lego/play mobile/barbies and complain my foot hurts
- bake cakes and get the mixture everywhere except in the oven

But more than anything else right now I want to take our children to feed those ducks.

Count Your Blessings

Last week I had the very sad news that a friend had passed away, aged only 52, very suddenly. His widow is a truly inspirational person who I am privileged to call a friend and she has started to count her blessings and remind others to do the same. I really hope that it helps to remember the good times even whilst she is grieiving. They had such am amazing relationship and were so incredibly happy together that it is heartbreaking not being able to do anything to comfort her.

Anyway, her example has set an example to me and today I want to count my blessings.

1) My wonderful husband – a pillar of strength, support and love no matter what He always has a smile and I am lucky to have met him

2) Our family – parents, siblings, in-laws – all of them. 

3) My cats – Yang and Marmite have a sixth sense that tells them when they are needed to offer comfort or to make me laugh.

4) My health. I have nothing wrong with me that effects my daily life.

5) My friends. All of them.

I challenge you to do the same today.

A reflection

I wrote these words a few days ago, before a good friend lost her soul mate tragically and unexpectedly far too early. It does bring things into perspective a little bit as although I lost and my loss was of a different kind I should be grateful for what I have.

Anyway, I thought to leave my original workds as this was how I was feeling when I wrote them.

Do you still wish a ‘Happy Birthday’ to someone no longer with you? Do you wish a ‘Happy Birthday’ to someone who never ‘legally’ existed?

The way I feel right now I don’t really care.

Today my baby should have been a year old. Today I should be celebrating with a cake, with balloons, with presents and with love.

Today I am not.

Today I am remembering what might have been. Not with the all encompassing grief that the my miscarriage caused but with a quiet sadness that reminds me that although I still have a future, albeit very different, it does not mean that I have forgotten the past nor do I no longer think about what might have been.

So Happy First Birthday to my angel in Heaven, may you always be safe and may you know that you are loved. 

Counting my blessings:
my husband
my health
my family and my friends

I am grateful.

Another period of waiting

It seems to me like my life is separated out by periods of waiting. So far our journey towards adoption has included waiting for the initial visit, waiting for that report, waiting for the prep course, waiting for home study and then the appointments of it and now waiting for the report to be written ready for us to wait to go before the approval panel. Some of these waits have been longer than others and there were the waits before this process so in all I feel like I have been waiting for 4 years.

Waiting does seem to have gotten easier to manage. The ability to remain busy seems to be the 'armour' I protect myself with. The busier I am the quicker time flies past me and it also allows me a sense of achievement. In all my waiting I have achieve many things but my true goal, the light at the end of my tunnel, still seems as far away now as it was 4 years ago. I know we have have taken many steps towards it but having no time line for these things makes the tunnel seem endless.

This period of waiting was broken with my birthday - a occasion that I will remember forever. I have also been busy with projects of a crafting nature. I have made Christmas stockings, I have finished cross stitch projects (some of which have been outstanding for years!) and I have tried a couple of new things and enjoyed every single one of them. This is one of my proudest achievements - started in 2001 (I think) and now framed and displayed.

Today a friend also posted to her blog:
http://clarice-swimouttomeetit.blogspot.com/2012/06/solution-refocussed.html?spref=fb
about remaining solution focused. She asked the following:

So, what positive change do you need to make? What would you like to fix and make better? Start by identifying the place you want to be, and then work out a plan, a route of how to get there. I know it is scary, but if you don't take that step you will never know how bright it is at your destination. Think about what you are doing and why you are doing it. Make that decision to change.

 

Which got me thinking. What positive changes do I need to make? Usually I would have said I need to learn patience. Today I have realised that I have actually learnt it. I know what I want. I know the path I need to follow and I walking it. I am walking it with every step being made carefully, with support and with a good idea of how bright my destination could be.

 

I have plenty of other things that need fixing, that need improving and that could be better so maybe it is time I started working on those and accepting that waiting is one I have mastered.

My Birthday - The Party

This party has been planned for what seems like forever. The day dawned clear with a bit of sunshine (and luckily no rain)  and my day was planned to the very minute including a hair appointment so I could look and feel my very best. My nails and feet were done the night before on my way home from work and my hair was dyed to remove all trace of blonde roots earlier in the week. My dress was already hung in view - it has been sat in the wardrobe for so long and I was desperate to wear it. I already had a house full of guests and they were troopers helping out with everything,

Once we got into the hall it was 'manyhands making light work' as the see up was done in what felt like record time. There was bunting, balloons and more more food than I planned for thanks to a number of kind gifts in that direction. The entertainment - a group called Memphis Belle arrived and did their thing. The plan was for a 1940s night. I had been a little nervous over the last couple of days as a number of friends and family had been forced to cry off (here's hoping my nephew is feeling a lot better very soon and that a knee heals as well) and there were missed but in the end there were plenty and the hall seemed really busy. It was also really amazing how many people made the effort to give the theme a go and do the dressing up thing. The music started, the dancing started, food got eaten and time just flew by. There have been some great parties for all occasions but from where I am sitting that ranks amongst the best.

This week has been a blur to be honest - dinner with my husband on Wednesday, spending Thursday evening with my friends from Holbeach Ladies Circle (who treat me to a fantastic night and an amazing meal plus an incredibly thoughtful gift of scrapbooking goodies), then Friday with family and a couple of extra special extras and Saturday surrounded  by many more. Sadly we also had to say a goodbye on Friday. My Grandfather passes away in the early hours. He was 97, sick and very tired and hopefully he is now resting in peace.

So, here I am at 7.28 sat in bed with hair like a crows nest (far too much hairspray) listening to the snores of the houseful of people and thanking my lucky stars that I have family and friends of the quality of mine. I am, indeed, one lucky girl.

I can't wait to see the photos.

My birthday - The Big 3-0

Sadly my actual birthday fell on a weekday which meant a very normal day of getting up and going to work. The difference today was cake! I spent most of yesterday morning making a collection of edible treats to take in to the office to brighten the day. My version of Angel cake (not with pink and cream coloured slices but with green and red and topped off with blue butter cream icing) certainly did the trick.

So how do I feel now that I have progressed into the next decade of my life? Surprisingly optimistic. This is the first birthday in about 3 years where I can see forward progress, a roadway leading to a future and a future I am exited by. I am not longer bemoaning the loss of years to a fruitless quest but looking forward to this being the year where we are approved as adopters and a suitable match is found and that this is my last birthday before I can be a mum (I know it might take longer but I am living with hope that there is a suitable family out there for us).

Tomorrow I am looking forward to an evening organised by my friends from Holbeach and District Ladies Circle (www.ladies-circle.org.uk). These ladies have been fabulous friends since I joined then and I would recommend Circle to any one looking for a way to become more involved in their local community as well as making friends and having a lovely time. 

Anyway wait for Sunday and part 2 - My birthday - The Party. The bit I am really excited about.

Number 8 - The Final Countdown

Appointment 8 and the last one! Our homestudy is over and we are now waiting for August and hopefully our panel date.

This week our appointment covered so much material it was a bit of a whirlwind -contact, diversity and clarification on a number of things already previously covered. We also finally got to see the report from the Prep course which we were less than impressed with. Not only has it taken over 4 months to be produced but it was not dated, the signitures could have been anyone and the English was poor. Plus some of the points made were questionable and indicated that the social workers did not interpret points made in the way they were meant. Luckily we clarified everything and our social worker was more than happy.

We do have plenty let to do including a reference list, some more text for our report plus our reference visits need to be done and then we are going to need a second opinion visit from another social worker. I know that our panel date is only provisional but I am really hopeful that everything can be done on time.

Also in the news this week we said a sad farewell to Andrew’s aunt on Monday after she passed away unexpectedly. My thoughts remain with her family and friends.

Lucky Number Seven

For this appointment we didn't have a 2 week break as usual but 3 weeks as our social worker was off on holiday and another prep course. As we have had no homework is has been a long few weeks but I am really glad to be back into it.
This appointment was also about the children and what children we would consider as suitable matches for us. It was really exciting to think that we were making real decisions that could affect our future in such a massive way. The discussions were long and in depth and I am really glad that Andrew and I spent so much time talking and reading about the different things we might face when considering matches. We were really well prepared as well as open about what we want, don't want and are happy to discuss which meant a really interesting, in depth and insightful conversation and our social worker was very complimentary.

The good news from this appointment is that our social worker expects we should be ready for the August panel which is incredibly exiting. We has heard from other couples from our prep course that they were looking to the July panel and I am really pleased we are not that far behind them as it that is the next massive step to complete. She plans to get our reference appointment completed and our PAR (Prospective Adopters Report) completed and then we will have a second opinion visit from another social worker but she expects no problems based on our assessment so far.

Our next session is the middle of next week and is planned to be out last one of this homestudy which is very exciting although there will be plenty of other appointments moving forwards.

What is in a name?

Further to my last post I have spent some more time thinking about what is in a name?

My name was given to be by my parents. I guess it was chosen with great care. But does it define me? Adopted children today tend to keep their names when they are adopted as their name is a link to their past, their roots and their identities. I keep wondering if it is really the best thing for adopted children. Social workers seems to believe so but looking back it used to be normal to change a child's name on adoption. I guess it all depends and I know that in some situations and circumstances names have to be changed but as far as I am aware these are in the rarest of cases and so not something I expect to have direct involvement of. I am disappointed that I will be unable to choose my children's names but I have come to terms with this.

Some people have made the comparison between this and the adopting of a pet - a dog or a cat and how many families will change their names when they come home. I have always tried to keep animals names although only one has ever come to me already named properly (Marmite, one of my current cats). I figured that he already knew his name so it would confuse him to change it. I know you can make parallels between animals and children but changing a child's name would confuse it terribly and probably without due cause.

The article that I linked to in my last post went into names being an indicator of class and how middle class parents don't want to adopt children with names that are not considered 'middle class'. I really do hope this is a pile of rubbish. If a child comes to us with the name Chelsea, Chardonnay or Crystal (with whatever spelling) I would never dream of rejecting them as this name does not define them, it is not the person they are or the person they will be it is just a label (that the child may one day choose to change).
The thing that seems to be repeated time and time again in that the name is a link to identity. I have never really had the need to question my identity but I feel that I need to try as my children will have this to face. My identity is the sum of my experiences - the people and events that have touched my life as well as influence me. So where does my name fit? It is the label that is stamped on me and when some one asks 'who is Victoria' the answer is the given in the terms of experiences?

No matter what occurs, I am Victoria and that is who I am. It is not what I am. As long as my children are proud to stand up, state their name and their pride in the person that they are I will be happy.