Normality. Or something that looks like it.

Now that Christmas is complete and we have started to de-Christmas the house as well as the 'ready for the new year' deep clean I am reminded on the next big event that is looming ever closer to me.

I have to go back to work.

I know how lucky I have been to be able to take a full 12 months off work to be at home with my children and I have done everything I can to enjoy every single moment but now that it is days away rather than weeks or months I am overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt at leaving them. But, no matter how I feel, working full time is normality for us. We have accepted that it will take the children time to get used to it and will plan accordingly.

We decided very carefully how to manage child care and what would work best not only for us but for the children as well - we have been keen to keep them in the pre school where they are happy as much as possible whilst taking into account what hours we need to cover because of the hours that we both have to work.

Honestly, I wish that I didn't have to go back to work or that I could afford to do 3 or even 4 days a week instead of 5 but I can't. Neither my job nor our bank balance can accept it and so I need to make the best of the situation. Which means that the time I do have it spent as wisely as possible.

On the second day of Christmas . . . . .

This month has flown past and now I am sat on the lounge floor on the eve of Christmas Day wondering what the hell happened?

The last week or so has been manic. It started with a visit to visit Grandparents set 1. We made the decision that the children would be able to open presents whilst they were there to allow our families to share in some of the joy. We also had tickets to see a version of 'The Night before Christmas' which was magically. We got to see Santa again and the children were fixated on the actual show loving every single second. The next day and masses of presents later along with a fantastic early Christmas dinner left us with 2 very tired small people but 2 small people who were spoilt rotten. Both children quickly decided on their favourite gift - oldest a sword from his favourite cartoon and smallest a camera just like her brother's on which she has taken hundreds of pictures.

We came home the day before Christmas Eve and made that a quiet, calm down day as well as a chance to get plenty done including making jam tarts, cookies, meringues, a monster fish pie and preparing as much as possible for Christmas Eve and round 2 of grandparents. Both smalls helped where they could which was lovely and I am looking forward to years to come where they can do much more to enjoy the preparations.

Round 2 was slightly shorter in duration but still included many presents all of which the children fell to playing with straight away - we got to play farmyard bingo and do plenty of drawing plus oldest was over the moon to unwrap a Bob the Builder work bench on which he has fixed just about everything he owns.

Amazingly, after all the excitement the new pyjamas and slippers before bed time were gratefully received and they went to bed really well. I had been expecting much more fuss. We also presented them with hot water bottles in fluffy covers to warm their beds. At this point Andrew and I snuck about the house laying out presents under the tree, finishing the preparations for food ad as much as possible to try and make sure that we had plenty of time to just play. I have to confess that in all the fuss I forgot one vital thing - to leave Santa a drink and mince pie out along with some carrots. I must remember next year!

 

Christmas Morning dawned and I am pretty sure oldest was awake some time around 6am but he stayed in bed until smallest got up around 7.20 - much later than anticipated! From there the fun started and the joy in their faces when they realised that 'he had been' was fabulous. Opending everything seemed to take forever - our families and friend have been so generous, many in the style that my husband can take credit for as we know have many more musical instruments. The chaos when we finally sat down to breakfast was amazing.

 

The rest of the morning, after finding and donning clothes, was spent in play - colouring books, jigsaws (Spiderman being the most complicated that we achieved), cars, dressing up, mopping the floor, fixing things, stories and all sorts, too many to remember! We sat down to a full Christmas dinner and enjoyed every mouthful as a family. The afternoon was more TV focused - both were getting tired and on the grumpy side and surprisingly not 4 hours after dinner they were ready for tea!

 

Looking back over today it has been crazy, we never made it out of the house for the walk and fresh air we planned but it doesn't matter, the children have gone to bed happy, contented and I am about ready to have a rummage in the kitchen for my own supper. Right now I am once again amazed by how my life has changed in 12 months time, this Christmas has been worlds apart from last year and with visiting to do tomorrow it is not over yet.

 

Wishing all the happiest of Christmas times and peaceful and prosperous New Year. May 2014 bring you all the blessings you wish for. 

Direct Contact, Round 2, the Realilty

After all my concerns I was, once again, reminded how amazing children are as I can say that our second attempt at direct contact went so much better than the first one. Experience has to pay and it has hammered home that last time we rushed it too soon in to the children's placement with us.

We did what we said. A not-so-local golden arches, a happy meal and a meeting around a table which last just over an hour. The children's behaviour was excellent (all 3 of them!) and so far, a few days later, we have yet to experience any negative after effects which leads me to feel much more positively about this direct content in this future.

What is has reminded me of is my own limitations.

The foster carer and I were able to have a good chat about the children and I was keen to hear how family finding was working. Sadly there has been very little success and it feels like if a final push in the new year fails then another child will be destined for long term foster care. Don't get me wrong, there are some amazing foster carers out there but I am pretty sure it is not the same as having some one to call Mummy or Daddy. What really sadden me was my inability to be able to keep this child with his siblings.

My thoughts and prayers this Christmas are with all the children waiting for their own forever Mummy and Daddy. I pray that 2014 brings many new families together.

Direct Contact, Round 2

I can so hear the bell dinging when I think about the next round of direct contact. After last time we requested a completely different format. Instead of allowing the children to have the freedom of a soft play centre where we occasionally lost sight of the children and were concerned about what they might be talking about we requested a shorter meeting over a meal. This was agreed and should have taken place during October half term but due to differences in half terms holidays across county borders and issues with in social services it didn't happen.

The children's old social worker remains the social worker for their older sibling and she has taken control and sorted it out for next weekend and I am nervous. We have not told the children we are meeting him yet and we will not until we get in the car to go but I am worried about the after effects especially being so close to Christmas as I really do not want anything to spoil their current run of decent behaviour. Don't get me wrong, they are not angels. We have tantrums, they don't listen, they push boundaries and this we have time outs plus other consequences but all normal for children of their age. But, we have identified that most of the bad behaviour happens with the children are either tired or frustrated with something which is making it easier to manage as well as prevent from getting blown out of proportion.

But, I am still nervous and I am hoping that this contact with be a positive one, especially after the positive indirect contact that we have recently had so I plan to go open minded and try to make it as positive as possible.

A Relief

Today a large envelope arrived in the post, an envelope I was not sure would arrive nor, if it did, whether I would be happy with the contents. It was the contact letters from some of the children's birth family.

I sat to read them and was terrified but it as completely unnecessary as they letters are excellent. They are written to my husband and I and they have responded to our letter as well as included Christmas wishes. I was so relieved I could have cried.

I know that we had already decided not to read the letter to the children, they never speak of their birth families and neither can remember attending the contact centre to see any of them but I will be keeping them safe in case the children ask and want to read them in the future.

The next round are not until well into the new year so I have time to draft, re-write and then write again before they need to be sent off but I am feeling a lot better about getting responses.

On the first day of Christmas . . . . . . .

There is no way I am going to get all 12 days of Christmas done but with the start of December it feels like everything has started to get very exciting. We started the month with a trip to see Father Christmas at a local garden centre. From previous experiences and reputation we knew that the queues could get really awful so we planned to be there for when it opened which we achieved. We even had a little time to see the reindeer and look at all the lights and decorations.

To say it was magical would be a little over the top. The children loved it and the magic was their faces going through the wonderland and looking at all the displays and then going on the short train ride. The actual seeing of Father Christmas was nice and we did treat ourselves to the photograph so we can remember the children's first Christmas with us. They also came home with a lovely gift each and they have both become the current favourite.

The next event for us to attend was a Christmas party organised by social services for families with adopted children and we had a lovely time. It included another visit from Santa as well as Peppa Pig - which neither of them liked! There was also a disco and games plus food and lots of other children for them to play with. I also enjoyed having the chance to catch up with other parents whom I have met through the whole adoption process.

I am sure these were the first of many little things that we will do over the next month however we have noticed that the children, oldest especially, has become more unsettled and has gone back to talking more about his foster carers. I think this has something to do with his memories of Christmas - where he was and who he was with. I think next Christmas might be the one where every thing clicks into place.

Planning Ahead

I am a great one for planning ahead, I like to know what is going to happen, when and all the details surrounding, I do get overly nervous when I don't know so today I have 'bitten the bullet' so to speak and completed the application form for a school place for our oldest today.

We have taken a great deal of time and care looking at local schools - we have looked at websites, visited the sites and talked to lots of other parents with children who have attended, are attending or want to attend the various schools around us. Mainly we have listened to our eldest whom we have tried to involve as much as possible and he has clearly stated a preference for one school. It is one of the smaller schools (although not the smallest). It has lovely outdoor facilities which suit his interests and his love of being outside running about perfectly. It also has a swimming pool which has blown my mind! I have never come across a school that wasn't private with a swimming pool and I have never attended one. When I went swimming with school it was in secondary school (so age 11 plus) and we walked to a local pool.

All of it means that once the applications opened we were ready and prepared so it was a piece of cake to get the forms filled in and sent off. What we have to do now is wait.

Two Children, One Mummy

After reading this post on a blog I like to keep up with: Ruby + Lottie I made the choice to write this post as is resounded with me.

On a practical level taking on 2 children at once has been difficult. I have to tailor activities to suit the difference in ages and preferences plus I have to make sure that my time is shared as equally as possible between the children especially as they both have issues surrounding jealousy if they think the other is getting more attention. Going out is harder with 2 than with 1 and I have only 2 hands when I am trying to do anything! The silly thing that never occurred to me was that they walk at different speeds which means I feel like I am forever asking one to slow down and the other to keep up!

I feel like I have talked a lot about attachment previously and most of that has been focused around the children's attachment to us however this evening I am thinking more about how I attached to the children. When we first met the children they were strangers to us - it didn't matter that we knew about their histories and had been given so much information about them, they were still strangers to us and we had to take time to get to know them. It is hard to say that I attached to one faster than the other, I love them both dearly but there were times when I struggled to 'like' one but it feels like it was linked to how hard I found it to deal with the behaviours that they presented.

The reaction most people have to me when they realise that we took on 2 children at once is 'you're brave'. Were we brave? Probably. But we knew it would hard work, it has been harder than we expected but then it has been more rewarded as we see the progress both children have made since they came to us so at the end of the day I do believe that we made the right choice and I would make the same decision again.

I never expected to fall in love with them straight away, I knew it would take time but it was quicker than I anticipated but I never expected that I never expected that I would react to the children differently which is daft really as they are very different characters. What matters is that there is room in my heart for them both, there always was and there always will be.

Give a Hug.

World Prematurity Day
17 November 

Bliss

An online friend asked for volunteers to support this campaign, something she has worked so hard for since her son was born early. The campaign is 'Give a hug'. Something that it seems that the parents of premature babies don't get to do that much during the early days and sometimes for such a long time. It feels very sad to have a child and not be able to hold them. The idea of the campaign is to raise awareness and that was good enough for me to volunteer.

My own journey to having children has been, as documented, different from many and so I do feel in some ways that I have missed out on some of the hugs that I would have liked. But, having the children home now means that every time they want a hug, they ask for a cuddle or even just to hold my hand I do my best to drop everything and enjoy those precious seconds where they want the physical contact and the affection.

Something that not many people know is that both my children were born early. They were not born to me, I wasn't there and I have only limited information about their births and very early days. I don't know if they were hugged and the chances are I never will. I can't change that, I can't make it up to them but I can fill their future with hugs.

Another story I would share is one from foster carers that I met recently. They were aware of a child due to be born who would be going straight into their care and that baby girl was born with many health problems and those foster carers became aware that she was in SCBU all alone with no visitors. They took it upon themselves to visit, to spend time talking to her and, when they were allowed, holding her to help her to form attachments. They since went on to not only foster that little girl but also adopt her so it feels nice that they were able to be there for her and that those early hugs have lead to something wonderful for them all.

Many looked after children are often very careful about hugs. It is not unusual for children to wait a long time to build a trusting relationship before they will ask for hug and for some it is hard for them to even accept one and our children were not an exception. Youngest small was very accepting of us when we first met, she gladly offered a hug goodbye the first time we met. It took oldest a lot longer and the upheaval of their actual move to us meant that we started afresh. Youngest is a child who loves to be held, she is always cuddling her soft toys and asking to be cuddled or to be sat on your knee and they are moments that I love, moments that I treasure. Oldest is different. He rarely asks for a hug, he doesn't mind an arm around him when he is tired but hugs are not the same. He will happily give you a hug if you ask him but he rarely asks. A few days ago he marched up me, wearing a sheep mask, plonked himself on my knee and just said 'cuddle me mummy'. My heart melted and I held him tight for as long as he wanted. It was a moment that will remain with me forever, I loved every single second.

To end this post I will set a challenge to those that have taken the time to read this - go and hug the people that are dear to you, not just the children in your life but everyone who is special to you.

Christmas - The run up

It feels early to be talking about Christmas but it feels like the shops have been full of decorations and gift ideas for weeks already. This week youngest small has declared that 'Father Christmas has whiskers, just like the cat' and they have both started their wish lists which include watches, cameras and spiderman suits. I have found the address to send the letters off so my next job is to get them sorted and posted off.

Our plans for this year remain unchanged from he decision we made in January. Christmas day is going to be for the 4 of us. No visiting, no visitors and we plan to remain as low-key as possible. We are not going overboard buying presents and we plan to be careful so as not to over face the children. There will be a visit to a local Father Christmas. At the same time we will also choose our tree together (I do love a real tree) and at the same time the children will be allowed to choose a new decoration each for the tree.

I plan to get the children to make Christmas cards for those nearest and dearest to us and I am hoping that we can find some other crafty Christmas based things that the children can enjoy making and then giving as gifts.

We are very aware that whilst this year will be a quiet one we do want to start some traditions based on those of our families. I want to hammer home that Christmas should not be all about the children (as has been said to me so many times in recent years) but rather Christmas is all about family. Being with our family and treasuring that time.

My battle.

Eczema.

It is something I have battled since I was little but, until recently, I had it beaten. It was under control and I was on top of it. Something slipped. I am not sure whether it was my raised stress less, increased tiredness or I simply lacked the time to keep using moisturising creams morning and night.

So, what it is. This place explains it better than I could;
http://www.eczema.org/
All I would say for myself is that it is a nightmare. I was waking in the night clawing at my arms because they were itching so much. My skin was red raw, broken and bleeding in places and I had to wear long sleeves to hide them whilst I was desperate to leave them open to the air to try and help them to heal.

It all came to a head when my mum came for the day and stayed to help with bath time, a time I love for the fun but dread because it was so painful, my eczema being concentrating on my hands, wrists and forearms. I also have patches at the back of my knees and my inner thighs. At its very worst I eve had it on my eye lids. My mum saw my arms and was horrified. That night I did something I had not needed to do since childhood. I slept, coated in cream and wearing gloves plus bandaged to my armpits to stop me scratching and doing any more damage.

It also meant that at the weekend I had to watch the smalls go swimming with Daddy and Grandad. They love swimming, they are so confident in the water, they will jump in and swimming about playing sharks and trying to swim without their armbands and much as it was lovely to watch I would much rather have been in the pool with them.

I have spent the last 4 nights sleeping exactly the same and my arms are miles better but still healing. It was a harsh reminder that I need to take the time to look after myself otherwise I am of no use to anyone, least of all my children.

A sleepover

During half term my husband and I had a chance for another first. Leaving the children with grandparents overnight. We talked about it, worried that it was too soon and worried that if we left it too long we would never do it and decided to take the plunge.

We booked tickets for Sing-a-long Rocky Horror Picture Show and a hotel room for the night, all less than 30 minutes away from my parents where the children would be staying. We then worried a lot more. We knew the children like sleeping at Grandma's house, we have done so a few times and they have always enjoyed it. Plus they love their Grandparents so in the end we decided we had nothing to worry about.

Our evening was fabulous. We went out for a nice meal, a meal where we got to eat our meals whilst they were still hot and we didn't have to share. The show was amazing. Not exactly child friendly which made a nice change and then we got to wake up when we were ready and not by a small voice declaring 'Mummy I want a wee wee'. But. A nice but. I missed them. I missed tucking them into bed, I missed kissing them goodnight and I missed them climbing into bed with us in the morning and bouncing about until one of us decided to get up and make breakfast.

But we did need the time on our own. I think looking after the children, rewarding as it is, is exceptionally hard work and having that break made me realise it even more. We needed the time for us, so we could remember why we are together and what makes us so strong.

We were back at my parents house in the morning much earlier than any one expected. It was lovely that they greeted us at the door with lots of cuddles like they had really missed us no matter how much fun they had with Grandma and Grandad. Oldest small had not had the best night sadly, he had not slept well and we think he has been worried about us coming back so we are really hoping that this has set us up for next time so he has the confidence to know that we will always come back for him.

Halloween

Half term is over and we are back into the swing of school and, much as I love having the children home, the routine of school is comforting and it also means I have a little bit of me time again as well as time to regain a little bit of order in the chaos that I call home. We have also enjoyed our first Halloween.

The smalls got to dress up for pre school  - one chose to be a ladybird and the other a skeleton pirate and after school I took them to nanny and grandad's to do the only trick or treating I had planned. As I never went as a child it is not something I am overly comfortable with. But we went, they were admired and sweets were eaten. I think that they may be eating those sweets until Christmas but it was nice to be able to get dressed up and make the effort.

Our big task for the season was the pumpkins. I got 4, grown by a friend and we dutifully set to with knives (me and my husband), spoons and hands! We had great fun chopping the tops off and scooping out their insides before carving out the faces that the smalls drew for us. After bath time, in the dark they were loaded with tea lights and we all marvelled at them, another something we had done as a family, another first.

In other news, oldest small had his first party initiation from a friend at school this week and he is really excited about going. After the problems with behaviour at the end of last term it has been nice that he has returned to his lovely 'good' self with his key workers even complimenting his helping sat tidy up time. He still has blips but he is 4 years old and no is perfect all the time.

We are also trying to quell our excitement as we see the shops starting to go in to Christmas mode, more about in the weeks to come.

Boisterous

I am dedicating today's post to oldest small as it is his behaviour that is worrying us. The word that his pre-school room leader uses is 'boisterous'. I am so scared that he is being labelled as the 'naughty boy' as he really isn't. At pre-school they have removed him a couple of times for behaviours such as pushing other children but mainly for not listening and for not being quiet at times when quiet is required.

I have spent the week racking my brain as to that what the root cause of his issues might be as he is not a naughty child, he is not an unkind child and I refuse to believe that he would ever knowingly hurt someone else. The things that I have been through -is he hungry? His behaviour seems to take a turn for the worse in the afternoons. His lunch box is always full to bursting, I would rather he bring food home that be hungry so he takes:
sandwich (2 slices with ham, cheese, dairylea, jam etc)
cheese (a cheese string or a babybel)
2 pieces of fresh fruit
a dried fruit something (raisins, fruit winder etc) or a cereal type bar (nutragrain or harvest bar)
yoghurt or pot of custard or rice pudding
drink
and he rarely brings anything home and when he does it is usually a piece of fresh fruit so I am pretty sure that he can't be hungry (bearing in mind his preschool give him a snack of bread sticks and fruit plus either milk or water mid morning).

So, my next though was what is different for him and my first answer - his friend goes home. Since he started preschool he has developed a close friendship with one boy and they seem inseparable however he only does mornings where as K is there for 3 afternoons. Is he angry because his friend is not there? I am pretty sure that he is, especially when I look at his reaction to this friend's mum when she collects him.

So, how do I help him? I don't know, I know that his friend will be start doing 2 afternoons a week in January but at that time we will also be increasing K's hours to full time as I am returning to work and also to get him used to the hours before he starts school so I am not sure. I just want the world to see what a lovely little boy he is.

Everything.

This weekend is a another milestone moment for us as a family. It was also the first chance to really celebrate the children's perminant placement with us with our closest family and friends. It as our children's Christening.

We made the decision early on that once everything was legal and sorted we would have the children Christened and that we would make it the day of celebration that we would share with our family and close friends. The invites went out some time ago and we booked and bought all the necessaries. Saturday night I was a mess, I barely slept worrying about what I had forgotten, what might go wrong, would people get there ok and whether the children would enjoy their day. After all, the day was theirs firstly and ours as a family as well. In that vein we had themed the day around the Gruffalo as both children love both the books and the films.

We managed a quiet morning, we tried to keep excitement to a minimum knowing that over giddy small people never really ends well for us but once we started getting ready it was hard - both children looked so beautiful in their special outfits and I have to say that my concerns of behaviour were unfounded as the behaved so well all day, despite the excitement.

The church service itself was lovely, the church was full of familiar faces, all of whom the children know and have built relationships with. We were also incredibly lucky with the Reverend who officiated the service, a very child friendly lady who made sure the service included the children. Youngest small did really well and oldest only had one moment as he didn't really want water pouring over his head, he knocked the Reverend's hand away so she went to plan B and drew a cross on his forehead instead. He did so well carrying his own candle though.

After church we moved on to a local pub for the next bit, as well as the children's favourite bit: presents - I never excepted such presents as the children received and the kindness and generosity of the people surrounding us never fails to amaze me. Their bedrooms are now filled with some beautiful keepsakes as well as very personal gifts that they can treasure. There was the normal buffet and then I did a short speech, something I had thought about but not really practised, afterwards I had to go round and apologies to everyone who I had made cry. We had so many people we wanted to thank and it seemed like the right and proper place to say them.

I will carry with me a few very special memories:
- holding my daughter at the font as she was baptised
- seeing my husband hold our son at the font as he was baptised
- watching my son carry his candle down the church
- seeing the children play with their last set of foster parents
They were so confident and so different from the children who moved in with us nearly 9 months ago and I was proud to tell the closest to me that they were worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every moment of desperation, every second of every appointment and every piece of paperwork that I have been through since the day we decided we wanted a family.

By the time we got home we were all exhausted. But happy. The day was everything we could have dreamed it to be and I hope the children will carry their memories forever.

Past, present, future.

3 years ago I lost something very precious to me.

It feels like such a long time ago, I look back at the blog post I wrote directly after:
http://vicfish-thelongandwindingroad.blogspot.co.uk/2010/10/highs-and-lows.html
and it feels like it was written by a robot. The posts after this one were so full of pain, anger and hopelessness. I feel like a completely different person sat here today: my life certainly it completely different to what it was and anything I could have imagined back then.

I made a conscious choice to look back at those posts and remind myself of how my life have changed since I wrote those words and I have to remind myself that although it felt like my life was over: it wasn't and I have moved on from those awful days. My world is a better place.

But, would my future look like this if I had not had the experiences of my past? Of course not. I am a stronger person for my past, I appreciate my present and I look forward to the future that lays before me.

Today I remember the past, not with the over whelming sadness that I used to but with a calm acceptance that without my past I would not have my present and my present is a wonderful place to be.

Celebrations

Today was our Celebrations Hearing at court. We got all dressed up and headed off in plenty of time and we were delighted to meet the 2 social workers who had worked with us through the process at the doors and they had brought the children a balloon each - Monsters for oldest and Princesses for smallest. The love them. After a short wait we were shown into a proper court room and the greeted a 'real judge' with a wig and everything.

The children were presented with certificates and invited to sit in the big chair as well as trying the wig on. They loved it and so did we. We have some nice photos to remember the day which we will always treasure.

The rest of the day included he arrival of one set of grandparents, a special lunch out at a local Chinese restaurant, the children ate so much I have no idea where they put it all! After that it was home to enjoy the sunshine and the garden before ending the day well with lots of cuddles all round. We also received an early christening gift of some amazing Hunter wellington boots and socks from some good friends - I am almost ready for terrible weather so they can wear them.

It does feel like a fitting end to the adoption process. I know that legally they have been adopted for a little while now but that felt like normal day and today felt a lot more special as it was actually about them and included them. I know that life continues as normal but today was special and always will be.

Fostering to Adopt

This is a new concept that the government seem to be really keen on at the moment and until attending the focus group last week it wasn't really something I had given much thought.
I had originally thought it referred to existing foster carers and a way to make adopting a children already in their care easier (something that I feel would have great merit and be of great benefit to the children and the carers) and it turns out I am sot of wrong. It is a lot more than that and I am still struggling to get my head around how it can be implemented. At the end of it all it looks good for the children but not for always the 'parents' which can't be a good thing.

I was asked the question: would I foster a child on the off chance that I might be able to adopt that child? My response was no. I would not take the risk that the child was removed from me and placed elsewhere which is the biggest risk of the fostering to adopt scheme.

I should add, foster carers have my utmost respect. They have to bond with the children in their care at all times knowing that they will be moved onwards and that saying goodbye is one of the main reasons fostering was not an option for me. Saying goodbye to a child I loved, to a child that I was attached to and emotionally involved with would be too much for me.

Strangers in the Night

Or on a train. Or anywhere.

How do you approach them?

This week I have been making an effort to sort the necessary contact bits for the children. Mainly putting into place another direct with their older brother but also starting a relationship with oldest's paternal half sister's adoptive parents. Wow, that is confusing to me and I know the relationship. So oldest's birth father has a little girl who was adopted earlier this year and we need to establish indirect contact with her parents.

How? I am struggling. The contact is via email. It doesn't need to be monitored by social services so we are have been passed an email address and told to get on with it. I have no idea if they are expecting my email or how they feel about indirect contact with us. In my mind I am not sure what oldest will gain. He has never met this little girl nor will he know her as his sister but he might want to in the future which suggests to me that a 'pen pal' type relationship built over years might be the way forward.

But it leaves me with a dilemma, how much information should I share? How much do I want to share and how much do I want to know about them? I have kept my email devoid of specifics to a certain extend as it seemed like the best way to write it. I have also kept it pretty short. We have not been given any advice as to how frequently we should email each other- the agreement we signed states ad hoc.

My last question of my first email to them was to ask them what they wanted from contact. It might be that they don't want contact at all, I don't know them or their little girl.

I will now await a response.

Future Improvements

I have been privileged to have been invited to sit on a panel of adopters and those preparing to adopt through the same adoption agency as part of their focus group which will then feed into their audit. I was really surprised to get the invitation especially as it is just a very small group of people.

Today I attended, it was a small group with very different people who have all adopted children at different ages and with different needs but we shared one thing - the system we went through to get to where we are today. It was refreshing to be able to be positive about the good points, constructively critical of the parts that we not so good and to realise that some of the negative parts were shared by other people and with any luck this audit will mean improvements for others going through the process.

My over riding memory of today will be the auditor. An external contractor but one who shared her story with us. It was so similar to my own until one point. She decided not to go ahead with the adoption assessment half way through. At the of the session she commended us for our dedication to the children and, more privately, she advised me that our story (which she has seem from our files) had really touched her as it started so similar to her own.


I can't end at that as we have had a great return to school, potty training for smallest has been a great success and she has decided that she can manage at night without nappies and so far, so good. Today we have also returned to the hairdressers - the first time I have taken them both at the same time, on my own and they were amazingly behaved. It makes me wonder what else I am putting off because I think I can't cope when actually I can. It reminds me that I need to have more faith in them and myself.

Back to School.

I have missed school.

The summer holidays have been 6 weeks long. We have done so fun things, been some lovely places and I have tried to enjoy every second but I am glad that school has re-started. It gives the children so much from stimulation to socialisation to their independence but it also gives me something. Time.

They went back at the end of last week and both children have slightly increased hours. We decided we wanted to increase them gradually in preparation for my return to work as well as in preparation for school - oldest goes in exactly 12 months time and I don't want it be to a massive shock to his system and my theory is that my increasing his hours over the next 3 terms with pre school will help. Today was the day I got a proper look around at the differences between this term and last. Oldest is in a class with the older children and it is much more structured which has to be good preparation for school.

The biggest difference has been for smallest. She is no longer the tiny child in a class full of those older than her. She is one of the biggest and, because she was there last term and all the other children are new to pre school, she is one of the most confident. It is lovely to see and based on how well she is doing I am hopeful that in the new year she might be happy to do a full day in school instead of just mornings as she does at the moment.

In other news we went on our final camping expedition last weekend. It was another re-enactment event but a slightly different one for us as all year we have been lucky with support from my mum who as helped us look after them and allowed us a little freedom to take part. This weekend she was busy so we had a plan that involved me taking time out to spend time with them and see how it all went. All I can say is that I was reminded that I am blessed with my friends, all of whom have been so supportive and watching the children interact with them brought me so much joy. It reminded me of the differences in them since they came to live with us - mainly in confidence but also in their ability to communicate and play.

But back to my point, my time, I have had 2 mornings to myself and whilst I have loved every second I have been able to collect the children having missed their company and in a better mood to really concentrate on playing with them and not the multitude of jobs that always seem to need doing.

Birthdays - Round 2

Finally, after much waiting it was oldest small's birthday. He has been waiting since he moved in with us to have his birthday and I think it is, in his mind, a test to see how we perform against his previous experiences. We have tried our best.

His actual birthday was during a camping weekend and a big fuss was made as one set of grandparents were there as was one aunt and that meant he got some cards and presents plus we had cake, singing and the bumps. As we were a long way from home we decided to wait until we got home before having a proper birthday for him - presents, another cake and a friend round to play with a picnic tea.

It brought me such joy to see his face light up when he saw his bike and even more so when we got it outside for a ride (despite being still in pyjamas!) The one downside of the day was a wasp sting - right on the end of a finger whilst using his bike but after a lot of TLC and some magic cream he was brave enough to get back in the saddle.

I am looking forward to more birthdays, especially the setting of traditions and one day I would love to do another first, a proper birthday party with kids running riot all over the place but I might wait a couple of years before I am brave enough to try that.

Out of ideas

With a little over a week until the children go back to school we have been trying to enjoy every single second whilst also battling that 'frazzled' feeling which comes of being tired and about out of ideas! It has been fun but I have to confess that I am starting to run out idea because I feel like I have gone through everything.

We seem to have gone everywhere as well - 4 mornings at holiday club, a dance class, toddler group plus local woods, gardens, nature reserves, the zoo, the beach and swimming - at our local pool as a leisure pool complete with pirate ship near my parents. The sad thought in the back of my mind is that next summer I will be back in work and will not have that much time to do so much with them but I do plan to treasure what time I will have.

Anyway, I have been working with our creative side - recent works of art we spent some time hunting round the garden for leaves, twigs, feather and flowers and then even longer sticking them onto a huge sheet of paper. We have also written letters, made cards, painted and coloured.

Our other big project was to finish some pots - a few old, washed plant pots covered in paper machie and then painted and covered in PVA. One will be used as a basket for a hot air balloon we are constructing and the others as general pots for stuff. We have already had hours of fun making them so I am pleased. I am just hoping that oldest small enjoys taking it to pre school to show his new class.

We do have another camping expedition before we return to school which I am really looking forward to although we have told the children that we are going we have not told them well in the hope that they get enough sleep to be in good moods for the journey. So far, so good . . . .

Adoption on the TV

Today on facebook I noticed the following post:

Tonight at 7.55pm, and every night this week, 4thought.tv (Channel 4's faith, morality, and ethics series) will be showing a short film asking: What matters most when it comes to adoption?

 

Having watched it this evening I am planning to watch the res of the week to see what other people think but my thought this evening is how would answer that question?

 

What matters most when it comes to adoption?

 

For me the matching process has to be key.

 

On one hand you have the adopters. They have to be honest about what they can and can not cope with, their expectations as well as their lifestyle as although life has to change when children come into your world I do think it helps to have some things in common. Plus considerations such as ethnicity, background and religious preferences. We spent some much time with our social worker working on this and, at the time, I did wonder at its importance but know I appreciate it a lot more. it had to be done and it was critical.

 

On the other hand you have the children who have their own requirements in a family as well as their needs whether they are medical, emotional or educational. I remember reading on our children's profile that they wanted a family with animals and oldest loves the out of doors. I think is also helps that some times we can share experiences in common - our oldest is profoundly deaf in one ear, I suffered from hearing problems as a child that were sorted with grommets.

 

I also believe that as part of this process physical appearance may have been considered. It certainly feels like that when I look at our children and their similarities to us in colouring.

 

Looking at our children and at us as well as all the information we have written down from the matching process I continue to be amazed at how well we fit together as a family.

 

There are a lot of other key ingredients like patience and support but I believe that had the matching process failed then we would not have fitted together as well as we have done.   

Potty Training Round 2

With the summer holidays, the lovely weather and the days we are spending in the garden we decided to see if youngest small was ready for potty training. She already used the potty and the toilet at set times during the day - before meals, bath time and bed time, the same as oldest small as we figured it would get her used to it without any pressure to actually perform. For the last few weeks she has been asking for big girl pants and we had been letting her wear them after tea time until bath time, with accidents so she could get used to them, again, with no real pressure.

So, last week we decided to take the plunge. We had a few days where we had nothing serious planned so we bit the bullet, gave her the pants and hoped for the best. I have to say that we have been amazed and I think all the work preparing her has really helped as I can sit her on day 6 and I think we may have cracked it as we have had 3 days with no accidents (except a dress getting in the way!) and today we have been out and about to do the shoe thing as well as the food shopping all accident free. Proud, me? Very.

I have fingers crossed that this success will continue, she is so independent and her smile when she tells me she has achieved something on the loo melts me plus, on a more practical note, it is saving me a fortune on pull-ups. We still need them for night time but that is one a day and not 4-6 that we were used to.

Sadly there is a slight downside. Oldest small has struggled. Mainly with his view of a lack of attention as so much has been focused elsewhere and it has lead to some of his more challenging behaviour but I am hoping this will turn around and he will realise that he has to share his parents with his sibling and it doesn't mean we love him any less or that we are any less proud of his achievements but rather than they are able to take it in turns.

In other news we have received confirmation of our celebration hearing date at the end of next month, our day to go to court with the children and meet the judge who granted their adoption order and then to have a day dedicated to them, to us and to our family.

The Planning Stages - Guest Lists

Today I managed to get the first round of invitations sent out - the few that I think have to post. I have tried to keep posting to a minimum based on the stupid price of stamps! It was lovely to walk them to the post box with the children and get them to post them: after all it is their occasion.

Their Christening.

I always wanted to have our children Christened and so, know that everything is legal we were able to start getting things booked. I started with the church and then a local pub for a buffet afterwards and then it was time to decide on a guest list and make the invitations. The guest list was where we had to decide. How big an occasion this was going to be? In the end we wanted it to be small and completed focused on them so we have tried to keep the invites down to the people who are going to play the biggest parts in their lives so our closest family and friends.

I am worried about the people that we can't invite, I would hate to offend any one but we don't want the children to be over faced by having too many people there and, practically, in keeping the guest list small we also limit the cost. My main fear for the day is how the children will behave in church but as it will be their day I am hoping the service can be aimed at them in a way that will keep their attention - at least for a little while and then I will have plenty of books and toys for the remainder of the time.

I am really looking forward to having a day that is all about them and that our family and friends can share as we decided early on that the celebration hearing at court was just for us and no one else.

Lots of fun

These last week has been great fun as we have started our summer holidays plan and we are staying busy and having a fabulous time at the same time. We have done hand and feet painting, spent hours in the garden and the paddling pool and kept to the usual routine of swimming. We have been to the seaside for a day out and we have also attended a dance class, a workshop at the pre school and the children attended one of their holiday sessions - all of which they have enjoyed.

However earlier in the week was our first planned 'special activity'. Burleigh Film Festival. I tried to choose the session with the films that the children would enjoy most so we got to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and then Finding Nemo. Neither kid usually has the attention to sit and watch a whole film unless they are tired and using it as a chance to re-charge but oldest sat and watch the first film from start to finish and laughed at me and his Grandma singing along.

We had a lovely picnic - nothing special or over the top as I wasn't that organised with the shopping but oldest small thought it was a real treat to eat his lunch whilst watching the TV - something we have never done at home!

I can't wait to go again next year!

But later this week it will be round 2 with a trip to the zoo - can't wait.

Reflection

Yesterday was a crazy day.

And today has been even more so.

But I have had time to reflect and that is always a good thing. We knew that our application to adopt would go to court yesterday. We weren't to attend as that was the chance that their birth family had to contest plus social services have not approved a meeting between us and the children's birth mum despite her requesting one and us agreeing to it. It was torture waiting for our social worker to call but we were busy - more on that in a separate post. It was lunch time before the phone went and my heart almost stopped for a second.

It turns out that their birth mum didn't even turn up at court despite saying that she would even though she had decided not to contest the adoption. On one hand I am pleased as it makes things a lot simpler but on the other hand I wanted her to care. I wanted her to care enough to make the effort to fight for them even though it was a lot cause - why? Because it is what I would have done and because they are worth it.

My emotions were something else, it doesn't feel real that we no longer have to answer to social services and our lives will not included scheduled medicals and check ups above and beyond those of normal children. Our children also legally share our surname. We have to wait for the paperwork to change things like bank accounts and other official documents but it doesn't matter at the moment. We also no longer need permission to take the children places, we can get on with life and be a normal family. Almost.

We still have to be careful. Trips to their city of birth are still not a good idea and photos on Facebook are still not advisable, at least until they are unrecognisable.

But it doesn't matter. We are still happy. We have a family - each other as well as 2 amazing children whom we love more than anything and life is so much richer for having them as a part of it.

Today was one of my keeping in touch days at work so I have been out of the house and the children have had a rare 'Daddy day'. I do miss work but today has reminded me how much but also how much I miss seeing the children - it was too tempting to be texting my husband all day to find out whether all was well, what they were doing and if they were having a good day. Walking back in to their smiling faces reminded me again of why we have done what we have done and that it was all worth while.

Legal Tidings

Today was our day in court. Not our day to appear in court but the day our adoption application was presented to a judge for ruling.

The short answer - the adoption order was granted. The children are legally ours.

I can't wait to have our day in court, the day we can take the children and have a special ceremony to show them that they are legally our children for today and for all the days of the future.

But for the moment, time to reflect.

Out of the mouths of babes

Some time the children say the strangest of things and some times they say the funniest of things.

Lets go, lets go. Rock and Roll.
Both children now declare this when anyone says anything resembling lets go. Very useful as it usually comes before activity.

Inbound
Youngest small yells this when she is sent upstairs or downstairs to tell anyone and every one that she in on her way.

Mummy on potty
Youngest small is loving parking herself on the toilet, she sometimes achieves and we are hoping it is a good sign but she has a fixation with me sitting on the potty. Despite the fact that I doubt my left bum check would fit on it.

Mummy trumped
We come across a bad smell and that seems to be the cause. Either that or someone has poo'ed. I have no idea what the fascination is but it does make me chuckle.

There are loads more and I need to start writing them down, maybe for an amusing second instalment.

But, when they came to us, oldest small came with a referral for speech and language therapy for which his initial appointment was today. We were told his appointment was due to his speech being poor prior to him being fitting with a hearing aid, oldest is profoundly deaf in one ear due to have meningitis. We had also been told that one of his problems was his speech being poor for his age.

What a difference 6 months has made as the improvement is beyond anything expected.

Today could not have gone any better. He managed to concentrate through the activities and the therapist was really impressed with his speech, the way he comprehends and can follow instructions as well as his use of descriptive language. She literally assessed him and discharged him as excellent for his age.

It all goes to show that deafness does not always have to be detrimental to speech and using the appropriate hearing aid has, for us, meant that he is not left behind his peers nor does he have to struggle to communicate with the world around him.

Not cost effective.

This new story has really bothered me today:
BBC News - UK rejects meningitis B vaccine

I don't normally blog about items in the news unless they affect me and although I hope that it doesn't I am living with the after effects of my child suffering from meningitis.

Oldest small contracted this and, as a result, is profoundly deaf in one ear for which he wears a hearing aid. It is not a problem. We put it in when he gets dressed and it comes out at bath time. He is a pro at wearing it and even helps taking it out and putting it in. Plus it helps, more about this hopefully tomorrow after we have seen the speech and language therapist but we have seen a huge improvement in the 6 months that he has lived with us.

Anyway, back on track. Why has this vaccine been reject? Because it is not cost effective. I know there are complicated mathematics behind this but I am asking myself what is the price of a life? Of limbs? Of hearing? Of any of the life long consequences of contracting this disease.

I accept the need for trails but this vaccine has been licensed. Surely that means something?

I really hope that this is discussed further, I really hope that this decision changes. If something can be done to save lives and the quality of life then surely it is worth it.

A Bittersweet Symphony

After the events of the last few days I am left with bitter sweet feelings.

Does the fact that I did not give birth to my children make me any less of a parent? Any less of a mother?

I have been set off on my rant by the media storm and my interpretation of the comment made by Catherine as she and Prince William left the hospital for the first time with their baby son in their arms. Whilst I wish them every happiness it does hammer home to me that not everyone has their happy pregnancy, a labour, a birth. Some parents have to fight through mountains of paperwork, social workers and children with difficult and often distressing pasts, usually after nightmares like infertility.

It has been hard over the last 48 hours and maybe that is the infertile, barren old hag that I some time turn into, less frequently that I used to but she is still there, buried inside me waiting for opportunities to rear her ugly head and turn me into some one that I am not sure that I like. Every time I have turned on the TV I have been bombarded with news concerning the royal couple, my only escape seemed to be the children's channels. It has been hard to escape the reminder that it was never my path to have my children the 'normal' way. I guess it hasn't helped that I have seen some challenging behaviour over the past few days so my patience is already in short supply.

The bright spark then puts 2 and 2 together, makes 4 and says that maybe it has been my mood that has caused some of the behaviours and been the cause of my own problems. Highly likely.

The other bright spark would say that I am overly sensitive to this issue and I have misinterpreted a tired and overly emotional young women who has just had a baby. Maybe but I have never been there. I am neither daft, stupid nor overly naïve so I accept that some times people are unintentionally offended when none was meant and, like I already said, I am happy that they have been lucky and they have a healthy baby. My bitterness is my own. For me. It is the same when friends and family are lucky enough to go through the same, the difference is those I can usually hide from whilst still living my life and keeping up to date with the happens in the world around me.

Tomorrow is another day.

A day I need to be grateful that I have been strong enough to fight for the children that have been given into my care and that they are amazing children whom I love dearly and with less than a week before our adoption application goes before the judge I am going forget everything but them and I am not going to turn the TV on.

The Summer Holidays

This week the pre school breaks up. The summer holidays start and that means the children do not have pre school until September. 6 weeks where I need to make sure that we do not go insane and that we have plenty to do.

My list of things to do goes as follows:
* Swimming. We already go once a week, I can increase that to twice if I need to
* I have booked 4 mornings of child care at the pre school for them to give them (as well as me) a break and some contact with other friends
* Library - once again we already go once a week but I can keep that going
* The beach. Maybe not every week but we are lucky that we have a chose of a couple of different beaches within an hours drive so we have that as a day trip option and if we take a picnic it will be at no extra cost.
* Local woods and nature reserves. We are again lucky to have a couple of options within an hours drive.
* Zoo, only a once but still great for a day out
* Visits and Visitors, we can do both as it feels like different people and locations means that even when the activities are the same they are still shiny and new and as much fun as ever. I am also hoping to arrange some play dates for the children with their friends from pre school.

If all else fails we still have a massive amount we can do at home. The garden is open providing the weather remains kind. I also have paints, play dough, card making and other crafty activities lined up with out even starting on 'normal' toys. I am also lucky that the children like to help so whilst housework might take longer they will help sort the washing, dust and polish, clean their toys and the bath plus they have toy hoovers while I use the big one.

Come back in 6 weeks to see if I succeed.

Going home

We have had a fabulous weekend, my Mum has been visiting and it was a surprise when the children got up on Saturday morning and she was there to greet them. We has decided, as the weather had been glorious, that we would go to the sea-side. Sadly, the weather did not remain glorious but it didn't spoil our fun.

We bought buckets and spades, we paddled in the sea, had a picnic and ate ice cream. And we ignored the weather and wore (well, bought and wore) jumpers over our sundresses. Oldest small even fell into the sea but luckily a towel and dry clothes sorted that one out. Once again when it was time to come home oldest small got upset as he wanted to stay but a train ride back to the car and he slept most of the way home.

Sunday dawned another over cast day but we carried on as planned - swimming and then Sleaford Carnival. Another fabulous day with balloons, bouncy castles, stickers and lots of laughing but it did end with 2 very tired smalls which made the last events of the day harder to cope with.

Mainly, Grandma going home. Oldest small really hates it when people leave. Hates it to a screaming, crying, miserable mess. We think that he fears that the person will not come back, that he will never see them again which is really sad and despite constant reassurance he still does it every time some one leaves. I am not sure how else to reassure him except to carry on - the repetition being the reassurance over time.

Sadly, the pattern is not just people leaving when they have visited us but also when we visit other places and I wonder if this is to do with him not returning to places that were important to him when he lived with his previous foster carers. We do know some places that he used to enjoying visiting and some will be options for visits in the future but we don't know them all and some we can't visit due to restraints such as geography.

Our plan is repetition again. Visit, come home and promise repeat visits which we have to follow up on. We have to. For no other reason than to settle his anxiety but also because we have a wonderful time.

Messy Meals

My experiences over the last few months has armed me with the knowledge of the messiest meals, here are a few of mine in the hope that it can raise a smile and to remind myself to smile when I have to clear up the mess left behind.

1) Rice
doesn't seem to matter what sort of rice, whether it has sauce or not it always ends up coating the floor, the table and the children.

2) Spaghetti
that is the long stuff! I used to chop it up but it made no difference so I leave it long and let it whip about as they eat it - a tomato based sauce has to be used for maximum effect.

3) Strawberries and cream
the messiest bit of this item is actually the cream. The children moved in with the knowledge that they can drink the milk from the bowl once they have finished their breakfast cereal so the cream was just the next step up however it is a lot thicker and equates to a lot more mess.

4) Ribs
my absolute favourite messy meal. When they are covered in a sticky sauce and eating with the hands - not fingers, the whole of both hands, they end up everywhere but never fails to make me laugh

5) Corn on the cob
the children love this and it another 'eat with both hands' experience - a good reason not to add extra butter!

So, what are your messy meals?

Life Story Books

Children placed for adoption are often accompanied by a Life Story Book, a book which covers their lives prior to their forever family. It is their own personal history and is supposed to be there for the children in their future so they can understand who they are, where they came from and all the people who played a key part in their early lives.

Ours were delivered by our social worker today and I am gutted. They are awful. The photos are small and fuzzy and there is information incorrect as well as missing such as we have no birth weight for oldest small and the hospital recorded as his place of birth is wrong. There are people who are important in their lives missing such as my parents and sister but the main issue for me is the photograph of their birth mum.

Regardless of my feelings this is the lady who gave birth to my children after being pregnant with them and as such I feel that the children should have more than a single fuzzy, dark, small (less than 2 inches square) photograph of her that she has taken of herself using a mobile phone camera and a mirror. I know it might be years before the children see these books and there is always a chance that they will never be interested but if they are I want them to be of the highest quality. I want them to be able to see the people shown in the photographs and see them in a good way. I also want the information to be available to them and I want the facts to be right.

I feel terrible as some one has put them together and it must have taken some time but I have every intention of sending them back with a request that either they are put right or that I am given what I need to put them right for my children so they can, if they choose, see their pasts and the people from their pasts and have faith that the information contained is correct.

Whispers

Today has been one of those days . . . .

Not a bad day at all but one of those days where you sit back, raise your eyes to the sky and ask whatever is out there is anyone is listening to a single word you are saying.

I do find myself getting very frustrated on those days and it is sometimes a struggle to remember that shouting does not help. They will not respond any more if I am louder. My advice to myself is always:
- their level
- eye contact
- simple and clear
- gain confirmation of understanding

So, the question is does it work? Sometimes. But sometimes they seem to get out of bed with the decision not to listen for the day and nothing I can do seems to affect that. On those days I challenge myself to keep them safe and busy. I do find busy gives them less chance to get into mischief but I do avoid obvious dangerous situations where I can. I have to confess that, at times, I have shouted at the children, I am not proud of myself and I hate myself for doing it but today I have managed to avoid it.

It has been hard, I have lost count of the number of times that I have counted to ten but it has worked. They are in bed, in one piece and they have had a great day.

What I have learnt since the children came to our family is that that often whispers are louder than shouts and they tend to get a better response.

Sometimes the over looked thing is the answer you need.

A few weeks ago, for the 4th time since placement we ended up taking youngest small to the doctors with a hacking cough, chesty wheezing and suspected chest infection. Luckily I finally got to see the 'good' doctor at the surgery and no longer was I being fobbed off with the line 'she was a prem baby so she will be susceptible to chest complaints' and then being given steroid tablets and antibiotics.

He gave me an answer. A really simple answer. One had no thought of as it was so simple that I expected previous doctors to have already considered it and discounted it.

Asthma.

I came away with the expected steroid tablets and antibiotics but also a preventative inhaler and a referral to the asthma clinic and I am hoping that it helps as listening to her being poorly is heart breaking.

Today we visited that clinic and saw a lovely nurse who was so helpful. She was able to discuss asthma and relate it to her as well as offer me specific advice to help manage this without letting it affect her day to day living.

Instinct

I have no idea what a 'Mother's Instinct' means or what it is supposed to feel like. Other mums that I encounter in my travels at pre school, toddler group, the children's centre and those family and friends talk about it from time to time but I remain confused as to the concept. Which leads me to today.

This morning smallest refused her breakfast. She struggled yesterday with breakfast and dinner but ate her lunch fine and she seemed ok in herself although she did have a long afternoon sleep so I figured she was tired and a good nights sleep would see her right. However this morning was a nightmare. Her complete refusal of breakfast turned into the same at lunch time for the pre school staff and they told me she was falling asleep on her feet. Since getting her home I checked her temperature, a little high so calpol and she took herself to bed and went straight to sleep. One of the other mums asked me if she was ok as she was grouchy and grumpy - very unusual for her and when I mentioned she asked me if she was poorly. I had no idea and I said so. Her response was 'go with your instinct'. And that scared me as I don't feel like I have any.

I tend to assess what my children present to me in appearance (oldest gets the worst bags under his eyes when tired), energy level, appetite and behaviour. I then run down what the answer might be using common sense and logic. So, after a busy weekend a grumpy small refusing to play nicely is, in my mind, a tired small who needs a sleep. But today, smallest has surprised me as I thought she was tired and she obviously isn't feeling too good but can't tell me what the matter is. I hope that a sleep and the calpol will help her feel better as I am not sure what else to do.

So, coming full circle, is this instinct thing something I will learn in time? I hope so as anything that helps me to understand my children more and be more responsive to their more complex needs has to be useful to them as well as to me.

A self indulgent moment

My focus on the positive has really helped me to take each day as it comes and to focus on the all the wonderful things that life is bringing me but today is an anniversary that I want to remember.

2 years ago, on this date, I should have been celebrating the birth of my first child. Sadly I lost that child early in my pregnancy and so my life is very different to what I imagined when I first found out that I was pregnant.

I refused to take time away from my children, my husband and the joy of attending the Christening of the daughter of good friends to be so self indulgent so I have waited until the day is nearly over, the sun is going down and they are all sleeping after a fabulous day.

The future is out there, it is mine for the taking and I fully intend it to grasp it with both hands and enjoy every second but for one moment I want to remember the life that nearly was, to feel sadness that it never came to be and remind myself that it is ok. Tomorrow is a new day and one to treasure.

Father's Day

I know it is a little bit late but I feel I need to dedicate a post to my long suffering husband. This year was the first year that we were able to celebrate Father's Day for him.

The run up was great fun - the children love making cards and as this is a hobby of mine I have boxes of supplies (added to all the crafty bits that they have been bought as gifts) so we cracked them out and spent some time making. What was great fun was that we could make cards for Grandads as well. There was PVA and stickers and crayons everywhere by the time we were finished but the end results were fabulous.

On the actual Sunday we were camping (again) and the weather was glorious. Our oldest small had great fun delivering cards to his Daddy and his Grandad and was proud to say that he had made them! All of them, even the ones that I had made. I had also managed to get the children to choose a small gift each. Youngest chose a 'world's best dad' mug: mainly as she has just learnt to use a proper cup without missing her mouth with every 3rd mouthful. Oldest following his superheros and chose a toiletries set covered in various superheros. Daddy loved them both.

I can't wait to do it all again next year.

What a difference a year makes.

During a 'tidy up with a duster' yesterday I found an old journal that I last wrote in over 18 months ago: it was started long before I decided to keep my thoughts and experiences online. I shocked myself reading back over the pages to see how desperately unhappy I was, how angry I was with the entire world and how bitter my experiences had made me. It really hammered home how different my life is today and how much has changed.

In a nutshell I have:
- had 2 birthdays, both very different occasions
- been to 2 wedding and 2 christenings
- seen at least 5 friends fall pregnant and have their babies (I have lot count)
- said goodbye to 2 family members and a friend
- gone through the adoption assessment process and approval
- welcomed 2 children into my world

The last has been the biggest thing but today I took a snapshot of me and compared myself to the me of 18 months ago. I feel like a different human being. I am certainly happier but after the recent announcements of pregnancy around me I wonder if I am any less bitter? I hope so. I have finally been able to hear the news and feel true joy first, not the angry jealously that used to over come me. Am I still sad that I can't experience pregnancy and child birth? A little bit. Will that ever go away? I don't know. Do I want it to? I am not sure. I think we are defined not only by our successes and our strengths but also our weaknesses, disappointments and our hardest times. And those years of infertility and miscarriage were the hardest of my life so they have served a purpose to make me the person I am today.

And that person is grateful for the children that I have. No, they did not come to me by the normal way. No, they were not teeny tiny babies when they entered my world. They were older and came with their own baggage which will take time and effort to work through but they are my children. I love them and I hope that they love me. And that is enough.

Some Amazing news

Not mine but news that not only made me smile but brought tears to my eyes.

Friends had the adoption order for their son completed today so he is legally theirs. I am over joyed for them and wish them the happiest of lives together.

Potty Training

Something we knew we would have to tackle when the children were placed with us was potty training, the oldest was already showing signs of being ready so we knew that once he was settled it was something we were going to help him with.

We did have a false start. He asked for pants. We followed his lead but after a week of constant accidents and distress we gently moved him back to pull ups and continued to encourage the use of the potty at set times - first thing in the morning, after breakfast, after meals and around bath time, Slowly he got better and better but in his own time. Looking back it feels like he rushed himself into pants too soon to prove something to us and in hindsight he has learnt that he didn't have anything to prove - we loved him no matter what he wore.

Anyway, some weeks later and with him being a lot more settled he asked for his pants again. We followed his lead and he has done so well. We had our share of accidents but I was amazed at how few. I was expected accidents on a daily basis and in our first 2 weeks we have a total of 3 accidents. I was amazed and so very proud of him. He did have a short period at school when his sister started of wetting himself to achieve some attention but that soon stopped when the pre school staff realised what he was doing and why - sharing something that has been his for a long time was hard for him.

I have called the process potty training but he very soon progressed to the toilet on his own special seat as he was too big for the potty and so were his 'desposits'. Plus, on a very selfish note, flushing the loo was a lot more pleasant for me than emptying the potty.

As an aside I am pretty sure the youngest is nowhere near ready but we are starting to lay some ground work down. She is getting familiar with the potty and the toilet as well as the routine of hand washing after using them plus we have moved her from nappies into pull ups so she can get used to pulling them up and down herself. She is getting better along with her ability to dress herself plus we are hoping this will help her with her anxiety over being changed at pre school. So far we are taking teeny tiny steps and with any luck she will tell us when she is ready but we have big girl pants at the ready.

Playing Catch

At the moment our oldest is not a child who wants to learn how to write his name. We have a 'Learn to write' book with pencil exercises but he is not interested so we are trying hard to develop his other skills. He can scribble - he is happy to scribble for hours but nothing more.

His motor skills are excellent and he loves doing jigsaws. We are also amazed by how proficient he is with a knife and fork as well as a spoon at mealtimes. He is more that happy to draw and paint but only what he wants and the exception to scribbles are his smiley faces. This was his effort of a family portrait, the largest face being that of Lightening McQueen.

 

We have started to get him doing more where we can and where he is interested - tools with play dough and forming things instead of just a ball, his spade and bucket so he can help with the gardening and cooking.  

 

So, the point of my ramble, was that in order to develop his finer hand eye coordination we have started playing catch. It is something he can do with one of us and have our undivided attention. We started with a football and have moved down to a tennis ball as well as a Frisbee type disc and he is getting so much better at not only catching but also throwing the ball back accurately. I have no idea how good he should be for his age but for us, playing catch serves a duel purpose. Not only his development but some quality time as well. 

Attachment

Attachment is a huge thing when you talk about adopted children and social workers really hammer it home at every stage of assessment so when our children came home we were very aware of building a healthy and strong bond with them. We were lucky in that their foster carers did so much ground work so that when we went to introductions we were not complete strangers - they recognised us and what were going to be to them, as much as a small child can. One thing we have to remember is that children in care, such as ours. do struggle with attachment because of the numerous moves that they have lived.

Now, I am not an expert. I will never pretend to be one and although I have read the materials suggested to me, studied the books on the suggested reading list and lived with my children for nearly 6 months (my goodness has it been that long already!) I am sure that I have bared touched on the subject.

But, the question I am putting to myself today is: Is there a good, healthy secure attachment between our children and us? Or rather between the children and myself?

Now, it is good to be questioned, it makes you step back and think, really think and the comments I receive on this blog are no different to comments made in the real world, they make me think. I have looked long and hard at the children and how they are with us as well as how this has changed since they moved in. I can clearly see an improvement in their relationship my husband - both children are happier and more comfortable with him, they will now go to him for comfort which has changed as it used to be just me and I look at all these things as being signs of a healthy attachment. I then looked back at the difference in the way the children are with me. Both will happily ask for cuddles, accept cuddles when offered and find comfort with me when distressed. Both will happily accept physical contact as well as actively looking for it which is something I thought might take longer to achieve.

The main thing that I have looked at is their reactions and relationships with other people in our lives. What reassures me that they are obviously more confident and comfortable when we are. Our last camping trip showed us that but the children were always aware of where we were which I took for a reassuring sign. They have started to build trusting relationships with their grandparents and they are perfectly capable of playing us off against their grandparents but I am assured all children do that so I am hoping this is just a case of them doing something very normal.

I keep reassuring myself - we have a good routine and the children have more good days than bad ones. They eat well, sleep well and they are developing at what feels like an amazing speed especially motor skills and personal care skills.

Does all this prove a healthy attachment? I have no idea but I really hope so.

Another step

This weekend saw us take another huge step forward into welcome our children into every aspect of our lives. We took them to a re-enactment event. Re-enacting is something my husband and I have done for a long time, we even met at an event and it is something we never saw ourselves not doing.

When we first welcomed the children we expected it would not be appropriate to take the children to one of our events this summer, we had planned to take the summer as it came, missing what we needed to to make sure that they were fully settled and comfortable before we entered into such a busy and stimulating environment. Discussing with our social workers they advised us to try it and if it turned out that it was too much we could come home.

Anyway we gained our social workers approval, packed for every eventuality including enough to let the children decide whether they wanted to dress up or not, plenty of toys for all weathers and with a plan to let the children decide what they wanted to happen. They travelled well - excited was an understatement as they do love camping. We arrived and the site was busy but we found a spot away from the main 'busy' spot and got set up. We made sure that we were set up in a way that the children had somewhere private to play if they found it all a bit too much as well as safe space to eat with their own chairs and no one else watching.

Like I said, we gave the children the choice whether to dress up - they wanted to as they do love fancy dress and this was an excuse to wear it and to wear it all day with lots of other people also dressing up. They looked fantastic! They really did surprise us with how well they coped. Our friends respected them and their needs and did not overwhelm them but allowed the children to take the lead and it worked for them. They still stayed close - always with one of us in sight and always looked for reassurance from us which we are hoping it further evidence of their attachment to us but they had the confidence to explore and to play. We are lucky in that my parents and sibling also take part so they were there which seemed to add to the children's confidence as it gave them more familiar faces.

Coming home was lovely as they both asked to go again but to a different field! I can't wait to take then again.

Guilty

After Easter we were lucky enough to be granted funding for a pre school place for our youngest small so we dutifully requested some morning sessions (deciding that afternoons would not be a good idea as we figured she would be too tired) and prepared with a new school bag, lunch bag and we did our best to prepare her for her new adventure.

The first week went ok - she was very unsure but the screaming did not start until week 2 when she refused to go into the classroom and screamed blue murder when I tried to leave, she also tried to chase me out of the door which left me with nothing but guilt. Why was I distressing my little girl in this way? Was it really doing her any good? What was she going to learn?

I had to be reassured by another mum that her behaviour was normal for any child and her fear was that I wasn't coming back for her. When I did collect her she was all smiles, she had calmed down within 5 minutes of me leaving and had been playing happily and had eaten all her lunch as well. The morning drop offs started getting easier and I was feeling a lot better about her being in an environment where she could play with other children in a safe and stimulating environment. All that changed with the 'incident'.

I hate to call it that but I have no idea what else to call it. I collected her one lunch time and found her screaming. "She has been bitten" the key worker told me. I immediately looked to her hands and was horrified when I saw that the bite was on her face, next to her eye and that it had drawn blood. All I wanted to do was get her out of there, I was devastated that I had left her there and she had been hurt. Pre school was supposed to be a safe environment. It took me getting her home and plenty of cuddles before I could calm her down and then I called the pre school to discuss it, apologies for the rudeness of my taking her out and to request the incident forms that I knew the social worker would need.

It turns out that no one had seen what happened although my oldest small said he did but we were told that this was the second incident for the biter and that he would be shadowed closely moving forwards to prevent a recurrence. I had very firm words with the deputy head and made it clear that another incident would mean me pushing for the child's removal from school as well as me considering the removal of my children to a different setting. I also had to stress that my children have already had huge upheavals in their lives and incidents like this are major setbacks in their developing of trusting relationships with the people around them. The staff had seen this when she refused to let them console her, or put anything near her face and they had been surprised by her refusal.

I have to say that I accept that accidents happen. Oldest small is a mass of bruises on his legs from playing, falling and banging into things. I also accept that some children bite. It is their way of communicating especially when they don't have the language to say what they want. What I don't accept is the severity of the bite and its location.

My next challenge was to persuade her to go back to school, that she was safe there and the tantrums got worse again. Luckily they have improved but it has taken a while for her to regain her trust of the pre school and during this time my feelings of guilt returned along with a acceptance that she had to return or I was teaching her that she didn't have to go back to a place when something unpleasant happened - not something that we could accept when we move to big school. I am hoping that time will make it easier for her and as it gets easier for her I will feel less guilty for leaving her.  

Camping

We decided to have a go at a weekend camping so we dutifully booked 2 nights at a nice looking, reasonably local site, packed up the car and went. We purposefully didn't go too far from home just in case and when we arrived we were pleasantly surprised as the site was well kept, quiet and we were shown to a lovely pitch in the middle, close enough to the shower block for comfort and with fencing on 3 sides which was perfect for the children.

The first thing we learnt very quickly was that we need to be able to get pitched and sorted a lot quicker or we need a better way to entertain the smalls whilst we are getting on with it! Our new tent did go up easily and it looked like it was going to be big enough, it always amazes me that tents have a 'suggested occupancy' that is never realistic - this one is a 8 man tent and we were happy and comfortable with 4 of us with a nice area for all our stuff plus playing in case the weather is wet. We also got to have a go with the tiny chairs we were bought for them.

 

We were not lucky in the weather on the first day as it rained and it rained and it rained some more but we were are prepared as we could be. We managed meals outside and in the tent as well as my parents caravan awning. We managed showers in the disabled shower (much more space than the normal ones so I make no apology) and we had 2 lovely days out.

Bedtime was where we came unstuck a little bit (again). The first night we waiting until the children were really tired - over an hour later than normal bed time and put them to bed but the noise was strange to them and it took a while for them to go to sleep but they did lie down quietly in their airbeds and sleeping bags. The night was not as much fun for youngest as she struggled to settled and in the end we brought her into our bed to save us getting up to settle her repeatedly. The second night was much more entertaining as the evening was clear and dry. Once again we waited until they were really tired before we put them to bed but then the excitement started and the next hour was all giggles as they realised they could communicate with each other despite being in separate bedroom bits. Luckily once they settled they slept well and quietly but they were still awake with the dawn which meant tired smalls come Monday!

 

I also learnt that we need to take a lot more toys with us for when we are on site - I forgot that in all the excitment we still need something different every 10 minutes to prevent boredom but I will take more in future.

 

My personal highlight for the weekend was on our first day out. We got to feed the lambs which the smalls did and enjoyed, we played on a huge range of indoor and outdoor toys, we feed the cows, had a tractor ride and then we got to take a goat for a walk. I made friends with Mildred and we had a lovely little walk.